Today I did what many families do-
I went to see a movie.
Lacey, Amy and I went to see Brad Pitt's
new film The Curious Case of Benjamin
Button. I suggest you go see it.
I think I started crying about 5 minutes
in and stopped by the time we got back
to the car.
I have traditionally held in my tears.
Sometimes for prideful reasons, sometimes
for fear that I couldn't handle feeling so
deeply.
Today I just let it all out. It turns out I am
quite the cry baby. And I loved it.
It feels good to feel. It feels good to know
that it is only going to hurt for a minute.
It feels good to be sucked in to something
and let yourself get lost in the moment and
go where ever the actor/writer/scene takes
you.
In response to that I write this-
Dear Mr. Pitt.
I realize that you do this thing we call acting
for a living. That you consider it your job.
I realize that you wake up every day and
look in the mirror at those beautiful blue eyes
and only see your own face looking back at you.
I realize that people look to you for distraction
and escape- and some seem fascinated by
your daily goings on.
I just thought that you should know that there
are some of us who love movies for more
that what they bring to us. To us who consider
theater art, we also see your contribution on a
grander scale.
There are films that take you to places you
might never see otherwise. Ones that take
us out of our everyday and give us rest from
our own worries. Ones that excite and thrill
us. Ones that make us laugh until we cry.
And then there are ones like your latest work
that cause us to think. Not about earth issues
or world problems, but about our own existence.
Indeed this movie is a love story, and a wonderful
version of one, but it is also a chance to see
someone doing what he was created to do.
And by your doing this it inspires us to consider
our own purpose of creation.
Not only did the move cause me to think about
love and choices and life, your performance in
it made me feel more in love with the thing
that I do. It made me want to reach the level
of interaction with my craft that compels
people to let go and dive in and experience
what I do. What I love.
The story is heart breaking and joy filled. It
takes you and gently brings you back down.
Your part in it as an actor makes it bearable.
You cause us to trust you by your innate sense
of your art, and after we do you are allowed
to make us feel.
It was sheer joy watching you do this in such
a well written role.
Mr Pitt I do not care to whom you are married.
Nor do I care what your political, economical,
or world views are. Those are your personal
items.
I am just glad that at some point in your life
you realized you had a gift and you chose to
share it with me.
Thanks Brad.
Julia

I had an 'acceptance of truth' the other day. This is the moment
when, after knowing something in my head, that it finally reaches
my heart.
Most of my life I have been traveling back and forth between
Washington and Oklahoma.
All of my life my weight has been what I considered 'an issue.'
Before I would go from one place to the next, like to Ok for the
summer or back to Wa after the summer, I dreamed that I
would be thinner.
That during my stay in that place I would lose weight and everyone
would be wowed by the new, thinner me.
As I am writing this I actually do remember this happening a couple
of times in my life. Once after I had moved to Ok to go to college, I
flew to Wa for a visit and I had lost so much weight that my own mother
and best friend (who were at the airport waiting for me) didn't even
recognize me. I was smiling and smiling and the were looking
right through me. When I was inches from their faces I said their
names... and that was one of those moments.
I should have learned then, because of the fact that it didn't make
me feel better or even good.
So a few weeks before coming to Ok for Christmas I started having
my traditional thoughts, "If I stop eating now I can lose 10 or 15 lbs.
before I get there." And to continue with the tradition it did not happen.
As I was sitting on my bed the other day in the middle of a conversation
that had nothing to do with this I realized that no one cared about my
weight gain but me. I figured that most people wouldn't even notice.
I mean all of my weight obsessed friends, and myself, keep track of
every one's gains and losses, but that most people did not care
and really only wanted to see me. Because they love me. They love
my humor and my laugh and my wisdom and encouragement and
they love the way I love them.
This morning I realized that even if they did notice that it would not
affect the way they feel about me. You would all still love me all the
same, size 18 or size 8.
This may seem obvious, and like I said in the beginning, I have had
these thoughts in my head. I know this is true.
This year I let it sink into my heart because I am seeing myself
through the eyes of a heavenly father who also does not care
as long as I am healthy and happy and spending time with Him.
This year I am loved my a Papa that cares more about my joy than
my wieght.

There are a lot of things I want to talk about. Today
I'll start with what God told me on Sunday.
My pastor at Frontline was giving this great teaching
about Christmas and how none of the people that were
alerted to Jesus' birth would have been impressed with
a cute baby being born.

He talked about the fact that for the

kings and the shepherds to even care what was happening

that night it was something big. Something that they

knew in some way changed everything. And that

knowledge should be why we take back our hijacked

Christmas. Pointing out our insatiable desire for

more and more money and stuff. And the truth that

it will never be enough.

God said, "You were not meant to carry this burden.
You are supposed to flit around weightless pouring
out the joy and love I have given you." I felt lighter.
My burden, as with many, many other people right
now is financial. I have always had very negative
emotional responses to money.
My parents, rightly or wrongly, are on opposite ends
of the money handling scale. It left me with confusion
and fear about it. I realized this year that when I have
money I worry.
When I don't have money I worry.
When satan wants to get me- he whispers about money.
The being a good steward thing is something
I beat myself up about- a lot. Believing I am a failure,
and the lie that God is a withholding father come into
play here.
In God's words to me He reminded me that He is who
I hope He is. He is every bit as powerful as I need Him
to be. And He will carry my burdens. All of them.
Including the financial one.
He has often told me when I am going through hard things
that He is much more interested in my character than my comfort.
Sunday He told me that He is much more interested in my
joy than He is in my finances.
That clicking sound you just heard was your paradigm
shifting.

I would be hard pressed to find anything more
sad than eating my entire birthday cake
unless it was sitting in the cold, by myself,
watching Bridget Jones' Diary, eating my entire
birthday cake.
Well here it is again. The season all singletons
dread. The season when the weather conditions
of the earth itself call for coupling. And here I
find myself again alone and the only human prospects
for keeping warm are so obviously inappropriate for
me there is no room for confusion on that point.
While I do not miss the old days of having no
morals to stand in my way of finding a manly
chest to cuddle I must say I look back on them
now rather fondly.
Ah do I go through the list of names? Maybe
just their faces. Each of the lovely in their own
way. Some of them just plain sexy.
Years ago I was at an event at my church and we
had guys who were doing motorcycle tricks in the
parking lot. Well there was this one guy...
I posed as a church photographer and took many
pictures of him. Tall, blond, dangerous. All I can
ask for. I never did talk to him. I remember having
a moment where he was riding over to me and I
smiled and failed to wave him over so he drove away.
I am sure that I might have been able to procure a
date and maybe even some attachment free sex, but
I was glad I was past that. Oh so mature me. Oh so
lonely me.
Well I took one of those pictures and put it in a place
that I keep my hopes and dreams. There is also a
wedding ring. A clean bill of health. And a paid off
credit card.
I hadn't seen those things for over a year. Funny how
so many things change and so many things don't. I'd
still love to meet him. At this point I might step down
from my steed of morality for just one evening of
warm hands on my face. On my waist. On my...
Or maybe I wouldn't. Either way- Merry Christmas to
all and to all who are alone - a good night.

I'm not pro fat. I'm not pro thin either.
I'm pro people.
I'm for everyone, no matter where they find
themselves at this exact moment, feeling
comfortable in their own skin. Today. Right
now. Everyone being ok with how they are.
Fat people want to be thinner. No matter what
is said it is not a healthy condition, nor a natural
one. Neither is skeletal thin obviously.
Everyone is unique to some degree and has a
place where they naturally fit. Maybe a size
4. Maybe a size 14. It needs to be ok just to be.
If I'm ok at my size 16, but feel like I want or
need to lose weight because of reasons based on
how I feel. How I feel about my body and my
health and my clothes and my future...
Not about how boys will like me better or...
Well I'm not sure what other reason people get
thin. Says a lot about me.
But you know what I am getting at.
It should be ok just to be.
Not to have to prove that where you are
right now is justifiable and worthy of respect
as a this or a that weight or job or relationship
status.
You are loved today. And today you are on your
way to change. Just because that is part of life.

There have been many times in my life when I
cried out to God saying, "How much more can
I be broken?!" Feeling, and rightly so, in that
moment that I had endured brokenness many,
many times. I guess believing that there was
a bottom, or an end, to which one can be
broken.
This scenario played out again recently only
this time I did not question God. I simply
agreed, "Again."
In that moment He told me something.
"There is a difference between brokenness
and vulnerability."
As I unpacked that over the next week I had
to agree and not only look on this new experience
with fresh eyes, but also look again at some
past moments.
You see, brokenness is easy. Especially in
the Christian community. Christians love a
good redemptive story. I don't literally mean
it is easy to share your deepest failures with
people, but in the safety of a group of believers
those stories are well received.
vulnerability on the other hand is something all
together different. It requires you to open
yourself up to be hurt. Your defenses have to
be off and you have to be ready to feel anything.
It is as scary as hell. For me anyway.
That point I was looking for, waiting on, praying
about is here. I have been as broken as I could
ever be. I have rooted out the evil in me and
shared it with faithful people. I have taken time
to address and readdress all the hurts and wrongs
done to me. I have gone down the long road of
forgiving others; and the even longer road to
forgiving myself. I have cried an ocean full of
tears for the loss and regrets of my past.
That is what brokenness looks like. And I have
been there and back.
Now as to vulnerability...
you all have still been at arms length.
And to those of you who never held me from
your heart I apologize. My inability to trust has
made me gossipy and mean and closed off.
Today I feel like going naked in front of all of you.
I want so badly to feel trust-ing and trust-ed.

I bought a candle this color yesterday. It smells like fake evergreen.
Not like fake pine which smell like a bathroom from the 1980's, but
like one of those gigantic trees outside my window. Only fake.
I was thinking today about the fact that it's hard for me to reconcile
the loving Father God, and the disciplinarian Father God. I can almost
always see quickly the purpose of the pain in my life whether it be
emotional or spiritual. Having been confronted with 3 full months of
debilitating pain i had to look for a deeper purpose than suffering.
Right from the beginning, well after I started to take it seriously, I
became aware of many things which i have already written about.
Then I started to see it effect other people. Drawing them closer to
God and causing us to all be more vulnerable with one another.
(which I resisted all the way.)
It seems inevitable that at some point we ask, "Why did You let this
happen to me?" I know You are more interested in my character than
my comfort, but that knowledge increases my discomfort. If I struggle
with trust allowing that to continually taint my everyday life, and by this
I mean trying to take care of things that are better left to God and
worrying and making sure I get mine... how am I ever going to
get past that if when I need you most I find more pain?
I mean do You love and protect me or not?
We all know the answer to that. I am just really feeling tried and
pressed and left out to dangle in the wind. I want the protective Daddy
to rally when things go wrong and to honor my faith when I ask Him
to heal me. I want my ability to trust Him to be more important than
my learning lessons and bringing others closer to Him. I want to be
His most precious daughter and for nothing to get past His ever
watchful eye.
That's what I want.

It seems the answers these days are always
found in vulnerability.
Deeper and deeper levels of vulnerability.
I do so hate this.

What a freaking week!
What a disaster the last 2 months have been!
I was thinking tonight that I don't think I ever felt
like Jesus ever really needed to die for my sins.
I believe that He did and that His blood has
covered my past in forgiveness, but I don't think in
the shallow layers of my consciousness that I ever
felt like I had done anything that was necessary for
Him to die for.
I think deep down. Down farther than I have ever
cared to let myself see, let alone anyone else,
down there I have secretly felt I was and still am
such a cheating, lying, thieving, hateful, worthless,
looser that His death couldn't possibly cover it all.
Believing this lie has tainted every aspect of my life.
May God renew my mind tonight as I sleep, a deep,
peaceful sleep, about exactly what He has done for
me and just who it is that I am to Him.
May He do the same for you.

I've been watching Stranger Than Fiction again.
When I got here a year ago I watched it every
night as I fell asleep.
There is a love story and a writer and Will Ferrell.
All the parts of everything I need included.
Today as I watched I wondered about my own
story. I wondered if all of the details that I
consider to be embarrassing or hurtful or unique
or interesting were parts of what makes my
character me.
Like the fact that I can not eat all day and then
like to have food in the evening. According to
doctors that is a prescription for weight gain.
And what about the weight? What if it is instead
of a source of anger and frustration for me it was
just a part of what made my character different?
Made me unique and even more of an amazing
person because despite her size she was able
to find and create a serious sense of style.
And as for my fears and opinions and gifts and
talents, all of these are details that deepen my
character and propel us through the story
and keep us interested...
So my double chin is character in the story.
My funny way of walking while I am still hurt is
a character in the story.
An interesting fact - I love sugar!
My past comes in flashbacks that fill us in on why
the things that are happening now are so amazing.
All of the things in my life, all of the things about
me, all of the people around me are pieces of a
story. A story that matters. A story of real
interest. A story in which I write the pages and
I decide to love or hate, to go or stay, to live or
to die. For some reason this makes me happier.
This makes me feel more accepting of myself.
The idea that I am a character in a story that ties
my life to the lives of every person who lived a
life; a story that ties me to my own life and
for some reason encourages me to live my life.
Keeping in mind that I am who I am because my
character was written this way and all of the things,
good and bad that make me me and cause me
joy and pain, all of these things are mine.
And yours.
And His.
And they belong to history. Time before mine
and for the rest of time to come.
My life is a movie, a novel, a character driven
story. In it I am uneasy and I am excited.
Right now.
What happens next?
Turn the page.

As I cried and cried and neared the end of The Red Tent; I
felt somehow tied to this story. Tied to the women and
to the history. It made me feel like my own story is just
a small part in a story that had begun the first moment
Eve drew her first breath. It continued in my life as in
hers as I was the assertive one who hastened the end of my
marriage. (Her actions of course created the end of life.)
I read in this book about women who were mothers and
daughters and sisters and wives. I saw myself in their
feelings and experiences.
This comparison was made wonderful by the fact that
this story takes place in biblical times. The times before
Jesus. In Jacob's day. It made these characters real
and gave me a woman's perspective on life, love, and
faith during that time.
I realize it is a work of fiction based on some real characters
in the Bible. I also realize that the intire Bible was
translated by men and usually for men since in the times
of the translations women were not educated for the
most part. That fact has always made the Bible read
as fiction for me. It has been a struggle to take in all
of the stories as more than tales. As an adult, and a
Christian by choice, I have chosen to believe them as
memories and factual accounts of the life and times of
God's chosen people which now includes me. And now
because of this book... the Bible is mine.

I am not a dancer; I do not need the body of a dancer
beautiful though they are.
I am not a supermodel therefore I do not need
(crazy beautiful though they are)
the body of a freak of nature.
I am not a rock climber and thus do not need
the muscles of a champion wrestler.
I am not marathon runner and though I envy
their high carb diet, this means I do not need
a runner's body.
I am a writer and from what I have seen
real writers lean to the heavy set
(which is where I naturally and most comfortably belong).
Writers sit and write.
We walk slowly and notice everything.
We read, which also involves a sedentary agreement.
I happen to enjoy having my cat in my lap
having a lap requires a seated position.
Am I psyched to be most comfortable in sweat pants?
No.
Do most writers probably wear sweat pants?
Yes.
I will learn to exude a serene confidence in my sweat pants.
The other option is to continue to be at war with my
body and use copious amounts of brain time considering
what was eaten, what is eaten, and what will be eaten.
I hope to land somewhere in between sweat pants in public
and continued pointless torture.

i am afraid of letting it all slip away
and instead of regretting 10 wasted years
during my twenties
i will have wasted a lifetime.

Wow. It has been a while. It turns out that
I am afraid to move forward in this. This
being my idea that I can be a writer and be
published and read by people numbering more
than just the total of my friends and family.
I created in my head a perfect scenario for me
to write a book and it involved being alone with
no interruptions in some dreamy land where no one
would bother me and all I had to do was write
and go to the pub for a beer with the locals
every once in a while. I realized yesterday
that I may not actually be able to write very
well in a vacuum knowing how inspired and
influenced I am by all that goes on around me.
Or maybe it is a dream that comes later with
success. Something I work my way up to.
Either way- I've just stoped writing and that
can't be a good thing considering what my dreams
are currently.
So I stand paralyzed by fear now looking at so
many questions of how to move forward. I want
to be published... how? Do I write during the
day when I have time or at night when I feel most
inspired? How successful am I going to be at
slowing down even further with all of these
questions?
I guess what I really want to know is why I am
so afraid. I can call on many many reasons that
inspired fear in me from issues in the past.
Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of being
no good. Those don't seem to fit.
As I sit here and feel this moment of truth I
plead with God to tell me that it just doesn't
simply boil down to laziness and old habits!
And deep down I know that is a big part of it.
Well.
It's ok. Determination was never something I
understood.
I don't really have an end to this. I will
share one more thing though. Writing on my
laptop has become extremely frustrating since
as I am writing the cursor moves itself into
other parts of the sentence and or disappears
completely leaving me with one thought in the
middle of a previous one or no record of it
ever being typed. Quite a nerve to pinch on
a writer!

i've moved into a new season. it's new in a lot
of ways.
obviously the job is new and amazing, and some
thing i had to get to a point that my experience
and education added up to.
i have begun to let the softer side of me show a
little more. with the support and guidance of many
people who love me. i've felt softer on the inside
for a while, but my mind had to be renewed about
that before it could show on the outside.
and i can see the future. like see things i want that
are absolutely within my grasp and that i have
prepared to do and given some experience in so that
i am absolutely prepared to have them.
you wanna know???
i have to save it for a little while still. sorry.
anyway i guess the point is that random things that
we call our life can seem to add up to nothing, and in
fact if you are trying to run your life by and for yourself...
then it may indeed add up to nothing.
but God knew me. He knows me, and He, even when
i was by and for myself, He managed to put things in
place so that right now i'd be right here.
and right here is on the verge of all that i am passionate
about, have experience in, and am gifted for.
it takes time though. we all too often try and bail on
the preparation and long suffering part. because
admittedly that part sucks. but it's the part that strings
one part to another and then can it add up to...
whatever you want.
so... what do you want?

i have just completed my first week of work.
the first week that most people would consider
that i have worked in almost an entire year.
i am a teacher at a college.
the students are trying to get their g.e.d.s having not
gotten a high school diploma for what ever reason,
and one of those reasons at some point landed
them in jail.
i have felt freaked out and inept.
i have felt blessed and excited.
turns out i'm pretty much suited to this.
i wasn't sure i would be able to figure out what
to do, but it's only the first week and i've got
the framework of the class in hand i believe.
and as much as i love it and see all of my gifts and
passions and experiences being used,
i know that this is only temporary.
there is still some adventure that calls me deeper.
some 'thing' that puts the lid on my years of
infancy.
some place that feels more like home.

i'm afraid to lean to that side
i don't trust that it will hold me.
the other side is much stronger
from years of being the only thing
that held me.
i hold myself up with this other side
using my own strength to stand.
i heard very clearly today
do all that i can do
then stand.
even with that side out front
if all of the weight is on the other side
i'm still standing in my own strength.
if i fearfully put pressure on that side
and trust that it will hold
and move the other side to the back a little
and choose for it to let go;
then all i am really doing is acting in line with
the truth.
and i know just enough about You to know
that You will hold.
under the greatest pressure
You will hold.
after immaturity is
doubt.
after doubt is
proof.
proof sometimes hurts.
guide me gently into maturity
as i learn the new way of walking
right foot first.

As the anger subsides and I learn to incorporate new
information into an old life, I find there is extra space.
Like somehow the new stuff takes us less room than
the old.
It might sound nice, but it feels strange. It feels like
something is missing and I'm not quite sure what to do
with all of this extra room.
I believe it will allow me to do new things, more things,
that I had previously found kind of out of my realm of
ability. I feel the energy to take these things on, for
example putting real effort into writing a book, and I
almost feel capable of doing it.
I had a conversation with a close friend yesterday and
she has just gotten to the point of staring down her own
darkness and hearing what God has to say and she said
very seriously that she didn't want to go any further.
I shared my experience with those moments from my
own path and assured her that it is possible to quit, but
that nothing in her was probably going to allow her to do
that.
Once the spirit gets a glimpse of freedom it takes an
absolute abandonment of faith to cease moving forward.
I know what if feels like to quit. I've done it all of my
life every time something got too hard or scary (much to
the chagrin of my risk taking father who so desperately
wanted us to be water sports, snow skiing, motorcycle riding,
kids.)
The first time a boy laughed as I ran the mile, my mom got
me out of ever having to run the mile again. The day that
I was trying out for dance team and saw people watching
me, I left and never went back. Every time I get close to
a healthier weight I get scared of the attention and I
sabotage my exercise efforts...
It's actually an endless list.
But really if I hadn't at some point been in touch with the
Spirit of God that lives in me this would have never changed.
At some point when it came time to quit again, and this time
the stakes were much higher, it being my freedom, there was
a knowing-ness in me that even as the words, "I want to quit,"
were coming out of my mouth, even in that very same moment,
I knew that what was in me would not let me quit.
It wasn't something I did, or found, or learned, or preformed,
or read, or heard. It just was. Just this thing inside of my
own spirit that had gained strength from another source and
was able to slowly and gently move me into and through each
new, scary season.
Today the darkest and scariest of all secrets is out and in full
view of God and the trusted people I have chosen to tell are
being loving and caring as they always have been and the
relationship with that unknown source has a clear and defined
name and purpose, today I am free.
I try to tell everyone God sends me to encourage that their
path is their own. Perfectly outfitted to their life and
exactly specific to who they are. I hope that they find
peace in this as looking at what my path has been I can very
clearly see why people would not want to go further.
It will not look like mine or anyone else's. It will be your own.
And even though I am still dealing with the consequences of
some things, and it is hard to see what comes next since I
have never been here before, even though, it is absolute
freedom I am after and nothing inside of me is going to
allow me to fall one bit short or the prefect life He has for me.

what do you do?
when 30 years of anger rushes to the surface?
i can cry.
i can pray.
i can write.
i can break things.
it does matter.
it does need to be heard.
everyone sucks
and everything sucks
and i am so angry.
an unrefined, all over anger that fills my stomach.
makes me want my hair to stand on end.
it feels twitchy.
what i don't care to say, but know that i can
is that it does not control me any longer.
i know what it is. i know why it is.
now...
i just get to be angry.
that is awesome.
i think i'll go throw some beer bottles off the bridge.

i was lying here this morning and thinking about this new
guy that my roommate is dating. he was in the army and
had been stationed in iraq. some things happened there
that are only his to tell, but they are bizarre things, things
i can not imagine facing.
he is a very nice guy, with good manners, and a kind voice.
he is smart and funny and yet something is missing.
as i lay here it dawned on me. i had described him as 'duh'
the other day. it was not a lack of intelligence duh it was
a lack of soul that i sense.
the war has stolen this mans soul.
and it made me so sad.
it's a strange concept since i feel like you can no more live
without a soul than you can your lungs, but when i see him
in my minds eye there is a dark emptiness where his soulful
energy should be. it's kind of like a vacuum in space. all
dark and quiet like not only is something missing but there
is a void left that absorbs sound and light and air.
it sounds strange. it feels strange for me too.
i am not a very politically minded person. and being a
Christian i know God uses fighting and death to judge and
regulate us. but seriously we should have outgrown this by
now. as a race of beings i mean.
the fact that we still subject our friends and sons and daughters
to the dark place of killing someone.
and being afraid of getting killed.
it is just so far beyond me and my ability to understand.
what i do understand is people and there is this young man
in front of me and he has lost his connection to his spirit and i can
feel it. feel something missing from inside of this rather normal
looking, acting guy. and because he seems normal, the thing i
feel will go unaddressed and i'm not sure where the human
psyche will take him.
as i get closer and closer to understanding God's heart my own
heart is much more easily broken. my head spins when i hear the
story of what this man was subject to at the hands of another and
what he did in return. i cringe when i hear that my favorite steven
has signed up to face the same things as a marine. my stomach
turns when i think about all they see and do and face when at war.
as i get closer to God's heart, my heart also has a greater capacity
to love. the ability to accept and not judge.
the inclination to include instead of exclude.
the hope that each person on earth will hear Him whisper sweetly
their name in their ear and be lovingly drawn deeper into
understanding Him and one another.
i hate war. i hate anything that pits one man against another and
causes him to choose between his humanity and his life.
to all of you who do it... thank you.
and i'm sorry we are in a world that you have to. and my God is
sorry about that too.

Today I said so many things and several times I
thought, "Oh my. That's what I should write about
in my blog today." Needless to say I sat down to do
it and all I can think is, "Oh my what were those
wonderful nuggets?"
What is coming to my mind is what someone said
to me. I have begun to meet with 2 great girls, well
Annie is a woman, and Chelsea is in her early twenties
I think, although after hearing her talk you might guess
she was older. We do a thing that we call DNA, it's small
group accountability.
Anyway- I was explaining to Chelsea the idea of having
things come up in your life, specific things, that you deal
with even after you are free from them. Debunking the misinformation
that you get easily free from things and they never come up again,
and if they do, that some how you are in the same place along
in the journey that you were the last time you dealt with that
issue. Instead pointing out that if you look closely you will find many
ways in which you are probably dealing better with this issue and
bringing attention to the fact that some issues we will always deal
with but this does not mean we are slaves to them anymore.
(this is one of those nuggets i was talking about.)
So I was sharing this and Anne told me this thing. She said
she had a vision while I was talking of me standing in front
of a mass of people teaching. She said she could so clearly
see me doing that. Discussing the things that we have been
sharing as a group and in my blog. She said the word masses.
It's not the first time, actually it's the 4th time, that someone
has used a word like that. National assembly and multitude
are my two favorites.
Before today those words seemed distant and dreamy. The
idea that God might use me in a big way and that people would
benefit from things I had suffered and been healed from.
Today, I owned that word. Masses.
I don't remember if it was Melissa or Dani who once told me
that a teacher told them once that you never teach something
until you have the resolution. At the time I thought it was
lame because I wanted to teach right then and had no answers
to anything. Part of owning it today is the fact that now I do.
And people keep telling me that.
I am choosing to trust God to complete His good work in me.
I am choosing to control the things I can i.e. my mind, will, and
emotions.
I am choosing to receive the prophetic words spoken into my life
by loving, gifted friends.
There has always been an undertone of doubt and fear before.
Even in the best of times.
This my friends, is freedom.
May you be surrounded by His messengers with words of
exhortation and encouragement that continue you on your
journey to more than you ever hoped, dreamed, or imagined.

It's something that I noticed while I was in Czech and
now something I have read in this great book Eat, Pray,
Love. The book tells of the author's life experience and
it is very much like my own so just fill it in like that, only
after her divorce, she goes to Italy and then to India to an
ashram. (i went back to college).
Anyway- the part that stood out to me this morning, and
brought me to tears, is the conversation she has with a
17 year old Indian girl about what she wants for her life.
She is almost 18 and the pressure to get married is very
real and they still do it the old school matchmaker way. She
is not only not wanting to do that she also has been brought
to the point of questioning how she came to be born into
a family she resembles so little. She and the author are
sitting and talking about this when the girl jumps up and
runs in circles saying at a volume too loud for an ashram
apparently, "I want to live in Hawaii!"
Now mind you I have taken a rather terrific fall just this
morning, leaving me bleeding and hobbling, so my
emotions are very close to the surface, but this made me cry.
I cried for all of the women who have told me over the years,
and most recently 6 of them Czechs, that they wanted to do
or be something that they just could not. Either being told
by society or family or both that their dream was impossible
or impractical.
I felt that young Indian girl's spirit in that moment just soar
over her head as she dared with her voice to express her
desire and dared the fates or God or her family to try and
stop her.
I identified with her desire and the passion to shout out
for something that you want so badly, and for me, knowing
what I do at 37, feeling the distant fear that it can never come
true.
In reality there is no comparison between me at 37, who
comes from a middle class family in the richest country in
the world, and this teenage girl from India, as far as who has
the resources to make their dreams come true. I realize
this.
I also realize that she and I both love and serve a God who
gave us those dreams and my advantages and her
disadvantages add up to nil in His eyes.
He has gently healed me and groomed me to be able to have
all that my heart desires. He has honed my skill and sharpened
my vision so I can see and, then do, the things my heart leaps
toward. He has taught me brokenness and how to rely on His
strength so I can crawl over this glass in between me and my
unimaginable hopes.
I cannot see how it all ties together and I cannot control when
things happen, but taking a cue the girl in India I am running to Him
with my arms open and yelling, "LET ME LOVE THEM!"
And all else being equal, she and I will both have our dreams.

Almost 2 years ago i had this overwhelming
feeling and understanding that things were
going to change between God and i. I had no
idea what it would look like, i only knew that
it had been prayed over me by my pastor that
i have a deeper intimacy with Him. I felt deep
in my spirit that was going to change the way i
heard for Him, the way i felt about Him, my level
of obedience, my feelings about many things
including people and finances and dreams and
desires and even to the core of how i felt about
myself. It was kind of scary feeling, kind of empty.
I was very comfortable and confident in my relationship
with Them. I read my bible more than most, i can
pray like nobodies business, i have gifts and talents,
i do missions, i trust and have faith and it is
evident by the decisions i make...
Knowing now that i felt like that, i am so glad He
moved me from there.
From there to where you ask?
From pride to humility (again) only this time i had the
relational resources and the inner healing that allowed
me to leave humiliation and guilt out of it.
From fear to trust (this is new). Even though there
are things that cause that sore in my side to twitch,
i know what they are and i can see them coming which
keeps them from pulling the rug out from under me.
From doubt to belief (also new). I have chosen
intellectually to believe the things of God, but it all
has always seemed distant and too good to be true,
and you know what 'they' say about that.
This deeper level of intimacy has made my relationship
with Them real. There are legs on my faith that move
my feet in ways i could not have seen coming.
Because of the true belief i am experiencing i can hear
what He says sooner and even if it's not what i wanted
to hear i only mourn my idea for a moment, truly believing
that what He has for me must be so much greater if He
has closed the door in this. And this lesson my friends,
has been learned over years of feeling the exact opposite
and Him proving to me the truth. That His is true love
and His love for me never ends nor does it have
conditions. It is protective and honoring and pure and just
and very, very, very real.
May you all allow Him to move you deeper into love with
Him and may that reveal His true desire for your life and
may that blow your socks off with how perfectly it suits
everything about you.
Be blessed oh glorious God!
Your Child has seen your face!
Through faith i am yours.
Through pursuit You have me.
Never let go.

Ok so i'm addicted to this show Entourage. And by addicted

i mean in the least harmful way possible i love to watch this

show. i don't ignore the things and people in my life to satisfy

this addiction, but i will sit and watch many episodes On Demand.

It's about this actor in Hollywood who rolls with his crew of 3 dudes,

one of them is his brother. They live the life that every person who

thinks they want to be famous wants to live. They have lots of money

and expensive cars and a big house and a lot of sex.

So i was wondering what it was that attracted me to this show. i

mean Adrian Grenier (he's the star) is beautiful, but there is

something else that draws me in.

i admit that i love the idea of not worrying about money, and the idea

that you can do a job you love and get paid handsomely for it. And i

love the idea of having my peeps around me and them being involved

in my work. The fellowship these guys share and their all access pass

into the land of 'do whatever you want' is what i think attracts me.

i was thinking this morning that maybe i have an all access pass to life

because of my relationship with God.

i mean there is no higher power or more influential entity in

existence, so if my name is on this list at His door, what is there i

cannot do? where is there i cannot go? if i know the most powerful

and most creative 'person' in the world, i have access to any writing

opportunity i want, any travel experience i want, any amount of

worry free days i can imagine, the opportunity to be on top of

finances because the the worst thing that can happen is that you

lose it all and start over, the understanding that i am special and

people know it and they benefit from and enjoy my gifts, my art,

my work.

And He has surrounded me with my own entourage, or several of

them, depending on where i am. Here in T-town i have my jen and

stella and tom and tasha and my mom. i have jess X2 and tina and

ceasar and brandon and matt and emili and kenny and erik and j

and easton and tara and annie and scott and chelsea...

In MWC i have dad and lacey and brandt and amber and nate and

amy and melissa and dani and tara and adam, and david and hanna

and eric, and josh and nancey and kelly and ronnie and shawn and

shelly and tyler and kyle and gloria and kody and grandma and

grandpa and aunt jan and uncle dick and corey and brandon...

In CZ i have alca and martin x4 and klara and ondra x2 and kechup

and mili and martina x2 and kuba and lukas and vitek and ales and

sarka and renny and radka x2 and petra x2 and lucy x3 and pavel x2...

In Honduras i have...

In Africa i have...

In NY i have...

God's entourage hu?

i think there's a t-shirt in there.

here we go again!

it's been a long time.
i have to admit that i really haven't been anxious to get
back to this. it seems a futile effort at writing. i wonder if
my motive for writing is to have people read it... if that's
an impure motive?
as i stare at the basket full of laundry on my floor and the
suit case still containing things i've yet to unpack i consider
motive in all things.
what is going to motivate me to wash those clothes?
what is the motive behind not fully unpacking?
why some days am i not even motivated to brush my teeth?
i'm starting to realize that we can almost always come up with
reasons we do things. we can usually muster the imagination
to share our dreams. most of the people i know have ideas
a plenty. sitting here with options in front of me and my
imagination running wild with ideas... i wonder what motives
are behind the desire? the dreams? the choices?
and what factors will i use to determine my path?
i have to admit that for most of my life the thing that motivated
me was the knowledge that there was something in it for me.
not necessarily the foremost motivation, or in a nasty manipulative
way, but looking back it was always in there somewhere i think.
the choices before me now are about me so there is something in
it for me. and, i hope, others will get something from what i
choose as well.
and as i grapple with which thing to choose i go back to motive.
someone once asked me what it was that i would crawl over
broken glass to get. i've never found anything that i could
specifically say i wanted that badly. until now.
now all i guess i have to do is find the pile of broken glass to
crawl over to get it.

ok so the last thing i told you was that the bird cage/
jail cell has legs.
sorry to have left it hanging i just forgot what came
next until i shared it with someone again today.
ok so when the cage taps you on the shoulder this is
where scripture comes in. the fact is that this is an
advanced and mature spiritual happening.
if you are an immature Christian you can stand in the
mirror every morning and tell yourself you are beautiful,
BUT if you do not allow God to take you through the
healing and exposing and digging you will in no way live
in that place of acceptance of your beauty.
are we tracking here?
i mean that positive self affirmation is just that.
it affirms the self and the self is momentary and is
based on situation and mood and weather and stress.
so it changes.
participating in healing is forever and is freedom of spirit
and acceptance of truth. the truth is that you are beautiful.
because Jesus says so. that's it. it means nothing if your
relationship with Him is shallow and unrefined.
ok- at a certain point in the process though, scripture,
calling out God's word is more powerful than anything
else we can do.
so when the cage of fear, or doubt, or insecurity, or debt,
or food, or hopelessness, or exhaustion or what ever God has
freed you from, when it taps you on the shoulder and you question
all of your progress and feel failure and doubt God's sufficiency-
this is when you read-
ps 139:1-4
prov 3:5-6
prov 21:5
prov 23:7
rom 12:2
2cor 10:5
eph 4:22-24
phil 4:8
2tim 1:7
when you've come so far and you don't know how to be this
new person. the healed, free person you and God have
grown you into, read these.
that's it. it's that easy. now... the process to get here...
well hopefully you have some idea of that by now, if you
are clueless here, ask Him to show you. He wants nothing
more.
may you each know God more intimately tomorrow than
you do today and may you commit not to quit until you
are the person He created you to be.