I started doing this very responsible thing in honor of being committed and faithful with this blog idea. I was even encouraged by a friend of mine to focus on this avenue of writing which confirmed for me what I had been feeling about it. So with new intention in mind I started to keep notes on things I wanted to write about and then instead of going with whatever was on my mind at the moment I have been going back and digging deeper into things that had been percolating for a while. This seemed not only an easier way, but a better way to make sure my thoughts were fully processed, and it has kept me writing each week because I don't have to try and come up with something on the spot.
But... today I have to share something I learned yesterday. It is such an overwhelming truth that I hope every single person in the world reads it.
I was meeting with Abe, my pastor/mentor/teacher/small group leader. And yes, his life reflects that he wears all of those hats in that he is super busy. We talked about a lot of things that concern our small group and our church. We also talked about how I am feeling about being a woman, and a single one at that, who is called to teach and pastor.
In my life, being a woman has been something that I have been ashamed of. First as a part of a world where "you throw like a girl" is an insult. Second by being raised in a religious environment that does not know that women are God's most beautiful creation with all of the gifts and inheritance afforded to men. And third because we have accepted the absurd notion that all women are supposed to look similar in shape to be considered valued and desired.
These things have caused in me not only a war against who I was created to be, but also a shame based way of thinking about myself.
Abe told me he believes, and I agree, that there are 3 voices that can contribute to the negative tapes of self hate. The voice of the flesh, the voice of the devil, and the voice of the world.
Here is the part that knocked the wind out of me yesterday.
He said that he read in a John Eldridge book the idea that as we hear each of those voices reminding us of lies we believe about ourselves like, you are stupid, or fat, or boring, and the corresponding feeling begins to surface of shame, or fear, or guilt, that as the tape plays, others hear it and respond to it. The idea is that while I am hearing those things and believing them, another person who I am interacting with can hear those things also and start to believe them about me and react as if they are true. For example I feel like I am being overlooked because I am a woman. During a conversation with Abe he begins to think that he can't give me a certain responsibility because I am a woman. In essence agreeing with me about my own negative self talk. In the world it is called self fulfilling prophecy or manifestation of negative self talk, but that makes it all about, and all up to, us. This idea, like all of Jesus' ideas, makes us responsible for and to each other. If while I am talking with a friend of mine and I find myself thinking, "Man you really are not smart," then I get the opportunity to stop and realize they already feel that way about themselves and I am hearing their inner evil voice tear them apart from the inside out.
OH MY GOD! The weight and responsibility of that set heavily on me as the awareness of whom I had done that exact thing with came to mind. I had agreed with their hate filled inner voice and thought and acted on it! OH MY GOD! Heartbreaking! And encouraging to know that I can stop that from effecting others; and that when I leave those voices of mine behind for good, well it will be different I am sure.
My friend Dani reminded me, after I shared this with her, that we are told to pray for more gifts of the spirit. Those of you that have a mercy gift may not find yourself being judgmental or critical as often, but those of us who don't share in that naturally, need more grace and kindness. I have prayed for that, and now have another thread woven ever so precisely into the fabric I call my life. All of the sudden it is a carpet of flowers in soft, pastel colors and thick, deep pile that makes for a safe place to land. For me, and for you.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
For all intents and purposes.
Morning talk shows for women are awful! I was watching during my breakfast this morning. Flipping back and forth between The View and the Today show with Kathy Lee and Hobua. It felt like chaos with all of those voices going on and on at the same time, and there seemed to be this kind of frantic energy that made me want to turn it off. I fear that that energy is comforting to so many women, and why they watch that stuff, because it is the state most of us find ourselves living in. A sort of controlled chaos.
That in itself confirmed in me the things God is teaching me about being a woman, and the need for it to be taught to others, but before I turned the madness off they said something else that literally shouted, because they all seem to be talking at top volume, confirmation about something I realized at Soma school.
It was the Today show and they were talking about a study done over the last 20+ years in which women were asked questions that gaged their happiness. The findings from the most recent test showed that women are less happy today than they were before the women's liberation movement of the 1970s.
Now I have personally felt this was true for many years having lived through it as a child. A child who was given a green ERA button to wear by her mother and who's father promptly removed it from my shirt and threw it away. I think it started out with good intentions because, of course if a man and a woman are equally qualified and doing the same job, then they get the same pay. Duh. But at some point it went beyond trying to make us equal to men and has in many ways turned us into men. Teaching us that we have to 'have it all' implying that we don't have it all no matter what we have chosen or been given.
It is no longer adequate to raise you kids and provide a home, you have to fill all of your moments with either a job or endless activities or both. And God forbid that you are still single, you have to create such a circus of activity to not only prove that you are at least making something of your life, but you also have to prove your worth as a woman having entered obvious spinsterhood by the ancient age of 27.
It has led to a disconnect as to how to be a woman, even sometimes the desire to be one. It has emasculated men by confusing their roles as provider and protector, even to the point of it being a distasteful idea to need either of those things.
It has left women exhausted and empty and confused and desperate.
During my last visit to OKC I was blessed to hear several teachings by my pastor Josh Kouri. On Easter Sunday, after he had commissioned and confirmed my mission in Tacoma, he spoke about intentionality. Doing all things with intent, or on purpose. It gave me great clarity and joy to see so
clearly how that applied to this next season of my life.
Part of that intentionality led me to attend Soma school. Several days into it I found myself so captivated by the vision, that it was truly overwhelming to then have God begin to piece together my purpose there, and to actually show me how I was going to get to be involved. He pulled pieces from all parts of my past began to weave big sections of the tapestry of my life together for the first time.
While I was soaking in this joy of getting to do not only what God has created me to do, but what after years of seeking and listening and growing, I now knew I wanted to do, I realized...
that I would not only be ok if I never got married, but I might even choose, with intent, God over marriage.
I know saying it out loud frightens some of you. But my thinking is that if I really get to do this, if I really do get to teach and to write about who He is and what that means for us as His kids, then I would be so fulfilled and excited that I would want to be able to devote all of myself and my time to Him.
Like I might actually refuse to partake in the great gift of the marriage relationship, knowing that it would be wonderful, but it would never meet all of my needs and desires the way a life sold out to God would. (Now watch, I will have dudes knocking down my door tomorrow. :))
And not that you can't do both, but to avoid becoming overwhelmed and exhausted, I might consider choosing God only.
What was amazing to me was that I actually meant this. After years of hoping to be married again someday I could see that with intention I could choose. God has given us each the power that makes us like Him, and that is the power of our will. For every person, married, single, kids, no kids, stay at home, out of the home, whatever label we have chosen, it only becomes overwhelming if we let it limit us by making us feel like we have to do it all. If instead we are simply, and grandly, children of the King, then we can freely choose to do, and not to do, things that are set before us. And most of those things are good things.
It's not hard to chose not to eat mud pies. It is hard to find a place to leave your child/children so you can take an hour to have coffee with your girlfriend. It's not hard to chose not to stick your hand in an open flame (this only applies to women as men seem to have trouble with this around campfires). It is hard to say no to heading up the children's ministry at church. It's not hard to keep from poking your eye out with a pencil (again possibly for women only). It is hard to chose fruit instead of cake.
This idea applies to all the areas of our lives that when added together equal overwhelmed and exhausted. And there are many reasons we chose wrongly, and many layers to those reasons.
So for today let's just confess that we are confused by the noise and overwhelmed by the pressure and call on the name of God the creator of all things.
Let's ask Him to not only make us aware of the ways in which we can clear the clutter with intention and choice, but to supernaturally provide clarity and time to act.
May you find joy in your relationship with The Father and purpose in your mundane duties and peace in knowing that you are His most beautiful creation.
That in itself confirmed in me the things God is teaching me about being a woman, and the need for it to be taught to others, but before I turned the madness off they said something else that literally shouted, because they all seem to be talking at top volume, confirmation about something I realized at Soma school.
It was the Today show and they were talking about a study done over the last 20+ years in which women were asked questions that gaged their happiness. The findings from the most recent test showed that women are less happy today than they were before the women's liberation movement of the 1970s.
Now I have personally felt this was true for many years having lived through it as a child. A child who was given a green ERA button to wear by her mother and who's father promptly removed it from my shirt and threw it away. I think it started out with good intentions because, of course if a man and a woman are equally qualified and doing the same job, then they get the same pay. Duh. But at some point it went beyond trying to make us equal to men and has in many ways turned us into men. Teaching us that we have to 'have it all' implying that we don't have it all no matter what we have chosen or been given.
It is no longer adequate to raise you kids and provide a home, you have to fill all of your moments with either a job or endless activities or both. And God forbid that you are still single, you have to create such a circus of activity to not only prove that you are at least making something of your life, but you also have to prove your worth as a woman having entered obvious spinsterhood by the ancient age of 27.
It has led to a disconnect as to how to be a woman, even sometimes the desire to be one. It has emasculated men by confusing their roles as provider and protector, even to the point of it being a distasteful idea to need either of those things.
It has left women exhausted and empty and confused and desperate.
During my last visit to OKC I was blessed to hear several teachings by my pastor Josh Kouri. On Easter Sunday, after he had commissioned and confirmed my mission in Tacoma, he spoke about intentionality. Doing all things with intent, or on purpose. It gave me great clarity and joy to see so
clearly how that applied to this next season of my life.
Part of that intentionality led me to attend Soma school. Several days into it I found myself so captivated by the vision, that it was truly overwhelming to then have God begin to piece together my purpose there, and to actually show me how I was going to get to be involved. He pulled pieces from all parts of my past began to weave big sections of the tapestry of my life together for the first time.
While I was soaking in this joy of getting to do not only what God has created me to do, but what after years of seeking and listening and growing, I now knew I wanted to do, I realized...
that I would not only be ok if I never got married, but I might even choose, with intent, God over marriage.
I know saying it out loud frightens some of you. But my thinking is that if I really get to do this, if I really do get to teach and to write about who He is and what that means for us as His kids, then I would be so fulfilled and excited that I would want to be able to devote all of myself and my time to Him.
Like I might actually refuse to partake in the great gift of the marriage relationship, knowing that it would be wonderful, but it would never meet all of my needs and desires the way a life sold out to God would. (Now watch, I will have dudes knocking down my door tomorrow. :))
And not that you can't do both, but to avoid becoming overwhelmed and exhausted, I might consider choosing God only.
What was amazing to me was that I actually meant this. After years of hoping to be married again someday I could see that with intention I could choose. God has given us each the power that makes us like Him, and that is the power of our will. For every person, married, single, kids, no kids, stay at home, out of the home, whatever label we have chosen, it only becomes overwhelming if we let it limit us by making us feel like we have to do it all. If instead we are simply, and grandly, children of the King, then we can freely choose to do, and not to do, things that are set before us. And most of those things are good things.
It's not hard to chose not to eat mud pies. It is hard to find a place to leave your child/children so you can take an hour to have coffee with your girlfriend. It's not hard to chose not to stick your hand in an open flame (this only applies to women as men seem to have trouble with this around campfires). It is hard to say no to heading up the children's ministry at church. It's not hard to keep from poking your eye out with a pencil (again possibly for women only). It is hard to chose fruit instead of cake.
This idea applies to all the areas of our lives that when added together equal overwhelmed and exhausted. And there are many reasons we chose wrongly, and many layers to those reasons.
So for today let's just confess that we are confused by the noise and overwhelmed by the pressure and call on the name of God the creator of all things.
Let's ask Him to not only make us aware of the ways in which we can clear the clutter with intention and choice, but to supernaturally provide clarity and time to act.
May you find joy in your relationship with The Father and purpose in your mundane duties and peace in knowing that you are His most beautiful creation.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
I've been watching Stranger Than Fiction again.
When I got here a year ago I watched it every
night as I fell asleep.
There is a love story and a writer and Will Ferrell.
All the parts of everything I need included.
Today as I watched I wondered about my own
story. I wondered if all of the details that I
consider to be embarrassing or hurtful or unique
or interesting were parts of what makes my
character me.
Like the fact that I can not eat all day and then
like to have food in the evening. According to
doctors that is a prescription for weight gain.
And what about the weight? What if it is instead
of a source of anger and frustration for me it was
just a part of what made my character different?
Made me unique and even more of an amazing
person because despite her size she was able
to find and create a serious sense of style.
And as for my fears and opinions and gifts and
talents, all of these are details that deepen my
character and propel us through the story
and keep us interested...
So my double chin is character in the story.
My funny way of walking while I am still hurt is
a character in the story.
An interesting fact - I love sugar!
My past comes in flashbacks that fill us in on why
the things that are happening now are so amazing.
All of the things in my life, all of the things about
me, all of the people around me are pieces of a
story. A story that matters. A story of real
interest. A story in which I write the pages and
I decide to love or hate, to go or stay, to live or
to die. For some reason this makes me happier.
This makes me feel more accepting of myself.
The idea that I am a character in a story that ties
my life to the lives of every person who lived a
life; a story that ties me to my own life and
for some reason encourages me to live my life.
Keeping in mind that I am who I am because my
character was written this way and all of the things,
good and bad that make me me and cause me
joy and pain, all of these things are mine.
And yours.
And His.
And they belong to history. Time before mine
and for the rest of time to come.
My life is a movie, a novel, a character driven
story. In it I am uneasy and I am excited.
Right now.
What happens next?
Turn the page.
When I got here a year ago I watched it every
night as I fell asleep.
There is a love story and a writer and Will Ferrell.
All the parts of everything I need included.
Today as I watched I wondered about my own
story. I wondered if all of the details that I
consider to be embarrassing or hurtful or unique
or interesting were parts of what makes my
character me.
Like the fact that I can not eat all day and then
like to have food in the evening. According to
doctors that is a prescription for weight gain.
And what about the weight? What if it is instead
of a source of anger and frustration for me it was
just a part of what made my character different?
Made me unique and even more of an amazing
person because despite her size she was able
to find and create a serious sense of style.
And as for my fears and opinions and gifts and
talents, all of these are details that deepen my
character and propel us through the story
and keep us interested...
So my double chin is character in the story.
My funny way of walking while I am still hurt is
a character in the story.
An interesting fact - I love sugar!
My past comes in flashbacks that fill us in on why
the things that are happening now are so amazing.
All of the things in my life, all of the things about
me, all of the people around me are pieces of a
story. A story that matters. A story of real
interest. A story in which I write the pages and
I decide to love or hate, to go or stay, to live or
to die. For some reason this makes me happier.
This makes me feel more accepting of myself.
The idea that I am a character in a story that ties
my life to the lives of every person who lived a
life; a story that ties me to my own life and
for some reason encourages me to live my life.
Keeping in mind that I am who I am because my
character was written this way and all of the things,
good and bad that make me me and cause me
joy and pain, all of these things are mine.
And yours.
And His.
And they belong to history. Time before mine
and for the rest of time to come.
My life is a movie, a novel, a character driven
story. In it I am uneasy and I am excited.
Right now.
What happens next?
Turn the page.
As I cried and cried and neared the end of The Red Tent; I
felt somehow tied to this story. Tied to the women and
to the history. It made me feel like my own story is just
a small part in a story that had begun the first moment
Eve drew her first breath. It continued in my life as in
hers as I was the assertive one who hastened the end of my
marriage. (Her actions of course created the end of life.)
I read in this book about women who were mothers and
daughters and sisters and wives. I saw myself in their
feelings and experiences.
This comparison was made wonderful by the fact that
this story takes place in biblical times. The times before
Jesus. In Jacob's day. It made these characters real
and gave me a woman's perspective on life, love, and
faith during that time.
I realize it is a work of fiction based on some real characters
in the Bible. I also realize that the intire Bible was
translated by men and usually for men since in the times
of the translations women were not educated for the
most part. That fact has always made the Bible read
as fiction for me. It has been a struggle to take in all
of the stories as more than tales. As an adult, and a
Christian by choice, I have chosen to believe them as
memories and factual accounts of the life and times of
God's chosen people which now includes me. And now
because of this book... the Bible is mine.
felt somehow tied to this story. Tied to the women and
to the history. It made me feel like my own story is just
a small part in a story that had begun the first moment
Eve drew her first breath. It continued in my life as in
hers as I was the assertive one who hastened the end of my
marriage. (Her actions of course created the end of life.)
I read in this book about women who were mothers and
daughters and sisters and wives. I saw myself in their
feelings and experiences.
This comparison was made wonderful by the fact that
this story takes place in biblical times. The times before
Jesus. In Jacob's day. It made these characters real
and gave me a woman's perspective on life, love, and
faith during that time.
I realize it is a work of fiction based on some real characters
in the Bible. I also realize that the intire Bible was
translated by men and usually for men since in the times
of the translations women were not educated for the
most part. That fact has always made the Bible read
as fiction for me. It has been a struggle to take in all
of the stories as more than tales. As an adult, and a
Christian by choice, I have chosen to believe them as
memories and factual accounts of the life and times of
God's chosen people which now includes me. And now
because of this book... the Bible is mine.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
i'm beginning to wonder if i'm cut out
for this lifestyle.
i mean i'm kinda late on the whole what
do you wanna be when you grow up thing,
and i'm wondering if i'm making the right
choices.
i realize i have had designs on a certain
kind of life. one full of adventure and
travel and service.
i think deep down i've had the desire to
be known. thinking that it would make
me special or important. or both.
i guess i'm coming to terms with my
motives for choosing what i am.
i can not survive on my own in some foreign
land if i went there because it wasn't boring.
the idea of being known scares me now.
i was talking with a new friend of mine here
and he had very strong opinions about well
basically what i am writing the book about.
i didn't say outright that i was talking
about that, but we ended up on a subject
close to my whole point and he was 100%
against it. sort of. it was in the context
of sharing the info in a large group versus
my writing it in a book, but it still shook
me.
because i feel like it should be said in
every place and to everyone because by not
saying it we do ourselves a great disservice
and continue the path of least resistance
that has gotten us nowhere and created a bunch
of pew riding, inherited religion, close minded
people claiming God's name.
i guess i feel pretty strongly about that.
and with those opinions i can not just sit
back and espouse them from the comfort of my
living room sofa.
those kind of ideas need substance to support
them.
so i have to go.
right?
for this lifestyle.
i mean i'm kinda late on the whole what
do you wanna be when you grow up thing,
and i'm wondering if i'm making the right
choices.
i realize i have had designs on a certain
kind of life. one full of adventure and
travel and service.
i think deep down i've had the desire to
be known. thinking that it would make
me special or important. or both.
i guess i'm coming to terms with my
motives for choosing what i am.
i can not survive on my own in some foreign
land if i went there because it wasn't boring.
the idea of being known scares me now.
i was talking with a new friend of mine here
and he had very strong opinions about well
basically what i am writing the book about.
i didn't say outright that i was talking
about that, but we ended up on a subject
close to my whole point and he was 100%
against it. sort of. it was in the context
of sharing the info in a large group versus
my writing it in a book, but it still shook
me.
because i feel like it should be said in
every place and to everyone because by not
saying it we do ourselves a great disservice
and continue the path of least resistance
that has gotten us nowhere and created a bunch
of pew riding, inherited religion, close minded
people claiming God's name.
i guess i feel pretty strongly about that.
and with those opinions i can not just sit
back and espouse them from the comfort of my
living room sofa.
those kind of ideas need substance to support
them.
so i have to go.
right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
