There have been many times in my life when I
cried out to God saying, "How much more can
I be broken?!" Feeling, and rightly so, in that
moment that I had endured brokenness many,
many times. I guess believing that there was
a bottom, or an end, to which one can be
broken.
This scenario played out again recently only
this time I did not question God. I simply
agreed, "Again."
In that moment He told me something.
"There is a difference between brokenness
and vulnerability."
As I unpacked that over the next week I had
to agree and not only look on this new experience
with fresh eyes, but also look again at some
past moments.
You see, brokenness is easy. Especially in
the Christian community. Christians love a
good redemptive story. I don't literally mean
it is easy to share your deepest failures with
people, but in the safety of a group of believers
those stories are well received.
vulnerability on the other hand is something all
together different. It requires you to open
yourself up to be hurt. Your defenses have to
be off and you have to be ready to feel anything.
It is as scary as hell. For me anyway.
That point I was looking for, waiting on, praying
about is here. I have been as broken as I could
ever be. I have rooted out the evil in me and
shared it with faithful people. I have taken time
to address and readdress all the hurts and wrongs
done to me. I have gone down the long road of
forgiving others; and the even longer road to
forgiving myself. I have cried an ocean full of
tears for the loss and regrets of my past.
That is what brokenness looks like. And I have
been there and back.
Now as to vulnerability...
you all have still been at arms length.
And to those of you who never held me from
your heart I apologize. My inability to trust has
made me gossipy and mean and closed off.
Today I feel like going naked in front of all of you.
I want so badly to feel trust-ing and trust-ed.