I had an 'acceptance of truth' the other day. This is the moment
when, after knowing something in my head, that it finally reaches
my heart.
Most of my life I have been traveling back and forth between
Washington and Oklahoma.
All of my life my weight has been what I considered 'an issue.'
Before I would go from one place to the next, like to Ok for the
summer or back to Wa after the summer, I dreamed that I
would be thinner.
That during my stay in that place I would lose weight and everyone
would be wowed by the new, thinner me.
As I am writing this I actually do remember this happening a couple
of times in my life. Once after I had moved to Ok to go to college, I
flew to Wa for a visit and I had lost so much weight that my own mother
and best friend (who were at the airport waiting for me) didn't even
recognize me. I was smiling and smiling and the were looking
right through me. When I was inches from their faces I said their
names... and that was one of those moments.
I should have learned then, because of the fact that it didn't make
me feel better or even good.
So a few weeks before coming to Ok for Christmas I started having
my traditional thoughts, "If I stop eating now I can lose 10 or 15 lbs.
before I get there." And to continue with the tradition it did not happen.
As I was sitting on my bed the other day in the middle of a conversation
that had nothing to do with this I realized that no one cared about my
weight gain but me. I figured that most people wouldn't even notice.
I mean all of my weight obsessed friends, and myself, keep track of
every one's gains and losses, but that most people did not care
and really only wanted to see me. Because they love me. They love
my humor and my laugh and my wisdom and encouragement and
they love the way I love them.
This morning I realized that even if they did notice that it would not
affect the way they feel about me. You would all still love me all the
same, size 18 or size 8.
This may seem obvious, and like I said in the beginning, I have had
these thoughts in my head. I know this is true.
This year I let it sink into my heart because I am seeing myself
through the eyes of a heavenly father who also does not care
as long as I am healthy and happy and spending time with Him.
This year I am loved my a Papa that cares more about my joy than
my wieght.