Wow. It has been a while. It turns out that
I am afraid to move forward in this. This
being my idea that I can be a writer and be
published and read by people numbering more
than just the total of my friends and family.
I created in my head a perfect scenario for me
to write a book and it involved being alone with
no interruptions in some dreamy land where no one
would bother me and all I had to do was write
and go to the pub for a beer with the locals
every once in a while. I realized yesterday
that I may not actually be able to write very
well in a vacuum knowing how inspired and
influenced I am by all that goes on around me.
Or maybe it is a dream that comes later with
success. Something I work my way up to.
Either way- I've just stoped writing and that
can't be a good thing considering what my dreams
are currently.
So I stand paralyzed by fear now looking at so
many questions of how to move forward. I want
to be published... how? Do I write during the
day when I have time or at night when I feel most
inspired? How successful am I going to be at
slowing down even further with all of these
questions?
I guess what I really want to know is why I am
so afraid. I can call on many many reasons that
inspired fear in me from issues in the past.
Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of being
no good. Those don't seem to fit.
As I sit here and feel this moment of truth I
plead with God to tell me that it just doesn't
simply boil down to laziness and old habits!
And deep down I know that is a big part of it.
Well.
It's ok. Determination was never something I
understood.
I don't really have an end to this. I will
share one more thing though. Writing on my
laptop has become extremely frustrating since
as I am writing the cursor moves itself into
other parts of the sentence and or disappears
completely leaving me with one thought in the
middle of a previous one or no record of it
ever being typed. Quite a nerve to pinch on
a writer!