Today I said so many things and several times I
thought, "Oh my. That's what I should write about
in my blog today." Needless to say I sat down to do
it and all I can think is, "Oh my what were those
wonderful nuggets?"
What is coming to my mind is what someone said
to me. I have begun to meet with 2 great girls, well
Annie is a woman, and Chelsea is in her early twenties
I think, although after hearing her talk you might guess
she was older. We do a thing that we call DNA, it's small
group accountability.
Anyway- I was explaining to Chelsea the idea of having
things come up in your life, specific things, that you deal
with even after you are free from them. Debunking the misinformation
that you get easily free from things and they never come up again,
and if they do, that some how you are in the same place along
in the journey that you were the last time you dealt with that
issue. Instead pointing out that if you look closely you will find many
ways in which you are probably dealing better with this issue and
bringing attention to the fact that some issues we will always deal
with but this does not mean we are slaves to them anymore.
(this is one of those nuggets i was talking about.)
So I was sharing this and Anne told me this thing. She said
she had a vision while I was talking of me standing in front
of a mass of people teaching. She said she could so clearly
see me doing that. Discussing the things that we have been
sharing as a group and in my blog. She said the word masses.
It's not the first time, actually it's the 4th time, that someone
has used a word like that. National assembly and multitude
are my two favorites.
Before today those words seemed distant and dreamy. The
idea that God might use me in a big way and that people would
benefit from things I had suffered and been healed from.
Today, I owned that word. Masses.
I don't remember if it was Melissa or Dani who once told me
that a teacher told them once that you never teach something
until you have the resolution. At the time I thought it was
lame because I wanted to teach right then and had no answers
to anything. Part of owning it today is the fact that now I do.
And people keep telling me that.
I am choosing to trust God to complete His good work in me.
I am choosing to control the things I can i.e. my mind, will, and
emotions.
I am choosing to receive the prophetic words spoken into my life
by loving, gifted friends.
There has always been an undertone of doubt and fear before.
Even in the best of times.
This my friends, is freedom.
May you be surrounded by His messengers with words of
exhortation and encouragement that continue you on your
journey to more than you ever hoped, dreamed, or imagined.

It's something that I noticed while I was in Czech and
now something I have read in this great book Eat, Pray,
Love. The book tells of the author's life experience and
it is very much like my own so just fill it in like that, only
after her divorce, she goes to Italy and then to India to an
ashram. (i went back to college).
Anyway- the part that stood out to me this morning, and
brought me to tears, is the conversation she has with a
17 year old Indian girl about what she wants for her life.
She is almost 18 and the pressure to get married is very
real and they still do it the old school matchmaker way. She
is not only not wanting to do that she also has been brought
to the point of questioning how she came to be born into
a family she resembles so little. She and the author are
sitting and talking about this when the girl jumps up and
runs in circles saying at a volume too loud for an ashram
apparently, "I want to live in Hawaii!"
Now mind you I have taken a rather terrific fall just this
morning, leaving me bleeding and hobbling, so my
emotions are very close to the surface, but this made me cry.
I cried for all of the women who have told me over the years,
and most recently 6 of them Czechs, that they wanted to do
or be something that they just could not. Either being told
by society or family or both that their dream was impossible
or impractical.
I felt that young Indian girl's spirit in that moment just soar
over her head as she dared with her voice to express her
desire and dared the fates or God or her family to try and
stop her.
I identified with her desire and the passion to shout out
for something that you want so badly, and for me, knowing
what I do at 37, feeling the distant fear that it can never come
true.
In reality there is no comparison between me at 37, who
comes from a middle class family in the richest country in
the world, and this teenage girl from India, as far as who has
the resources to make their dreams come true. I realize
this.
I also realize that she and I both love and serve a God who
gave us those dreams and my advantages and her
disadvantages add up to nil in His eyes.
He has gently healed me and groomed me to be able to have
all that my heart desires. He has honed my skill and sharpened
my vision so I can see and, then do, the things my heart leaps
toward. He has taught me brokenness and how to rely on His
strength so I can crawl over this glass in between me and my
unimaginable hopes.
I cannot see how it all ties together and I cannot control when
things happen, but taking a cue the girl in India I am running to Him
with my arms open and yelling, "LET ME LOVE THEM!"
And all else being equal, she and I will both have our dreams.

Almost 2 years ago i had this overwhelming
feeling and understanding that things were
going to change between God and i. I had no
idea what it would look like, i only knew that
it had been prayed over me by my pastor that
i have a deeper intimacy with Him. I felt deep
in my spirit that was going to change the way i
heard for Him, the way i felt about Him, my level
of obedience, my feelings about many things
including people and finances and dreams and
desires and even to the core of how i felt about
myself. It was kind of scary feeling, kind of empty.
I was very comfortable and confident in my relationship
with Them. I read my bible more than most, i can
pray like nobodies business, i have gifts and talents,
i do missions, i trust and have faith and it is
evident by the decisions i make...
Knowing now that i felt like that, i am so glad He
moved me from there.
From there to where you ask?
From pride to humility (again) only this time i had the
relational resources and the inner healing that allowed
me to leave humiliation and guilt out of it.
From fear to trust (this is new). Even though there
are things that cause that sore in my side to twitch,
i know what they are and i can see them coming which
keeps them from pulling the rug out from under me.
From doubt to belief (also new). I have chosen
intellectually to believe the things of God, but it all
has always seemed distant and too good to be true,
and you know what 'they' say about that.
This deeper level of intimacy has made my relationship
with Them real. There are legs on my faith that move
my feet in ways i could not have seen coming.
Because of the true belief i am experiencing i can hear
what He says sooner and even if it's not what i wanted
to hear i only mourn my idea for a moment, truly believing
that what He has for me must be so much greater if He
has closed the door in this. And this lesson my friends,
has been learned over years of feeling the exact opposite
and Him proving to me the truth. That His is true love
and His love for me never ends nor does it have
conditions. It is protective and honoring and pure and just
and very, very, very real.
May you all allow Him to move you deeper into love with
Him and may that reveal His true desire for your life and
may that blow your socks off with how perfectly it suits
everything about you.
Be blessed oh glorious God!
Your Child has seen your face!
Through faith i am yours.
Through pursuit You have me.
Never let go.

Ok so i'm addicted to this show Entourage. And by addicted

i mean in the least harmful way possible i love to watch this

show. i don't ignore the things and people in my life to satisfy

this addiction, but i will sit and watch many episodes On Demand.

It's about this actor in Hollywood who rolls with his crew of 3 dudes,

one of them is his brother. They live the life that every person who

thinks they want to be famous wants to live. They have lots of money

and expensive cars and a big house and a lot of sex.

So i was wondering what it was that attracted me to this show. i

mean Adrian Grenier (he's the star) is beautiful, but there is

something else that draws me in.

i admit that i love the idea of not worrying about money, and the idea

that you can do a job you love and get paid handsomely for it. And i

love the idea of having my peeps around me and them being involved

in my work. The fellowship these guys share and their all access pass

into the land of 'do whatever you want' is what i think attracts me.

i was thinking this morning that maybe i have an all access pass to life

because of my relationship with God.

i mean there is no higher power or more influential entity in

existence, so if my name is on this list at His door, what is there i

cannot do? where is there i cannot go? if i know the most powerful

and most creative 'person' in the world, i have access to any writing

opportunity i want, any travel experience i want, any amount of

worry free days i can imagine, the opportunity to be on top of

finances because the the worst thing that can happen is that you

lose it all and start over, the understanding that i am special and

people know it and they benefit from and enjoy my gifts, my art,

my work.

And He has surrounded me with my own entourage, or several of

them, depending on where i am. Here in T-town i have my jen and

stella and tom and tasha and my mom. i have jess X2 and tina and

ceasar and brandon and matt and emili and kenny and erik and j

and easton and tara and annie and scott and chelsea...

In MWC i have dad and lacey and brandt and amber and nate and

amy and melissa and dani and tara and adam, and david and hanna

and eric, and josh and nancey and kelly and ronnie and shawn and

shelly and tyler and kyle and gloria and kody and grandma and

grandpa and aunt jan and uncle dick and corey and brandon...

In CZ i have alca and martin x4 and klara and ondra x2 and kechup

and mili and martina x2 and kuba and lukas and vitek and ales and

sarka and renny and radka x2 and petra x2 and lucy x3 and pavel x2...

In Honduras i have...

In Africa i have...

In NY i have...

God's entourage hu?

i think there's a t-shirt in there.

here we go again!

it's been a long time.
i have to admit that i really haven't been anxious to get
back to this. it seems a futile effort at writing. i wonder if
my motive for writing is to have people read it... if that's
an impure motive?
as i stare at the basket full of laundry on my floor and the
suit case still containing things i've yet to unpack i consider
motive in all things.
what is going to motivate me to wash those clothes?
what is the motive behind not fully unpacking?
why some days am i not even motivated to brush my teeth?
i'm starting to realize that we can almost always come up with
reasons we do things. we can usually muster the imagination
to share our dreams. most of the people i know have ideas
a plenty. sitting here with options in front of me and my
imagination running wild with ideas... i wonder what motives
are behind the desire? the dreams? the choices?
and what factors will i use to determine my path?
i have to admit that for most of my life the thing that motivated
me was the knowledge that there was something in it for me.
not necessarily the foremost motivation, or in a nasty manipulative
way, but looking back it was always in there somewhere i think.
the choices before me now are about me so there is something in
it for me. and, i hope, others will get something from what i
choose as well.
and as i grapple with which thing to choose i go back to motive.
someone once asked me what it was that i would crawl over
broken glass to get. i've never found anything that i could
specifically say i wanted that badly. until now.
now all i guess i have to do is find the pile of broken glass to
crawl over to get it.