I started doing this very responsible thing in honor of being committed and faithful with this blog idea. I was even encouraged by a friend of mine to focus on this avenue of writing which confirmed for me what I had been feeling about it. So with new intention in mind I started to keep notes on things I wanted to write about and then instead of going with whatever was on my mind at the moment I have been going back and digging deeper into things that had been percolating for a while. This seemed not only an easier way, but a better way to make sure my thoughts were fully processed, and it has kept me writing each week because I don't have to try and come up with something on the spot.
But... today I have to share something I learned yesterday. It is such an overwhelming truth that I hope every single person in the world reads it.
I was meeting with Abe, my pastor/mentor/teacher/small group leader. And yes, his life reflects that he wears all of those hats in that he is super busy. We talked about a lot of things that concern our small group and our church. We also talked about how I am feeling about being a woman, and a single one at that, who is called to teach and pastor.
In my life, being a woman has been something that I have been ashamed of. First as a part of a world where "you throw like a girl" is an insult. Second by being raised in a religious environment that does not know that women are God's most beautiful creation with all of the gifts and inheritance afforded to men. And third because we have accepted the absurd notion that all women are supposed to look similar in shape to be considered valued and desired.
These things have caused in me not only a war against who I was created to be, but also a shame based way of thinking about myself.
Abe told me he believes, and I agree, that there are 3 voices that can contribute to the negative tapes of self hate. The voice of the flesh, the voice of the devil, and the voice of the world.
Here is the part that knocked the wind out of me yesterday.
He said that he read in a John Eldridge book the idea that as we hear each of those voices reminding us of lies we believe about ourselves like, you are stupid, or fat, or boring, and the corresponding feeling begins to surface of shame, or fear, or guilt, that as the tape plays, others hear it and respond to it. The idea is that while I am hearing those things and believing them, another person who I am interacting with can hear those things also and start to believe them about me and react as if they are true. For example I feel like I am being overlooked because I am a woman. During a conversation with Abe he begins to think that he can't give me a certain responsibility because I am a woman. In essence agreeing with me about my own negative self talk. In the world it is called self fulfilling prophecy or manifestation of negative self talk, but that makes it all about, and all up to, us. This idea, like all of Jesus' ideas, makes us responsible for and to each other. If while I am talking with a friend of mine and I find myself thinking, "Man you really are not smart," then I get the opportunity to stop and realize they already feel that way about themselves and I am hearing their inner evil voice tear them apart from the inside out.
OH MY GOD! The weight and responsibility of that set heavily on me as the awareness of whom I had done that exact thing with came to mind. I had agreed with their hate filled inner voice and thought and acted on it! OH MY GOD! Heartbreaking! And encouraging to know that I can stop that from effecting others; and that when I leave those voices of mine behind for good, well it will be different I am sure.
My friend Dani reminded me, after I shared this with her, that we are told to pray for more gifts of the spirit. Those of you that have a mercy gift may not find yourself being judgmental or critical as often, but those of us who don't share in that naturally, need more grace and kindness. I have prayed for that, and now have another thread woven ever so precisely into the fabric I call my life. All of the sudden it is a carpet of flowers in soft, pastel colors and thick, deep pile that makes for a safe place to land. For me, and for you.

I spent last week at school. I love school. I love learning new things and challenging old ideas. This school was put on by my church, SOMA. It's called SOMA school, go figure, and it started because the elders of the church, after having moved here for the Midwest (sounds familiar) were finding that their friends from around the world were interested in the way they had begun to do things here in Tacoma. It got to the point that so many people wanted to learn, and they couldn't keep doing it one on one, so they created SOMA school.
I cannot tell you how much it has changed me and challenged me and made me feel almost embarrassed that God loves me so much that I get to live here and live out this mission with a front row seat and individual face time with the elders and leaders, and their wives, which I must say are some of the most amazing women I have met here.
This SOMA school had about 40 people from all over the world. Many people from Romania, one from Ireland, and a couple from Japan. The Japanese couple were so sweet. She did not speak very much English and he sat the whole week and translated what was being said by typing it on his computer; and during conversation times he just talked to her about what we were talking about. It was such a great picture of love.
In the Romanian group there were 3 single girls in their early twenties. I was so excited to see single girls there! Most of the time it is made up of married couples or the husband or wife part of a couple. I so often feel like the gift of singleness is wasted by 'the body' and all we ever talk about is how to get prepared to not be single anymore.
I got to go to lunch with those girls and they asked me all kinds of questions and I got to ask them some. It was wonderful. They are such bright and loving ladies, and they blessed me more than they know by desiring my time and wisdom.
There were several others I got to spend time with discussing our lives and our individual parts in our communities. It is great to see this vision I am now so out to being spread all over the place. It is such an important understanding and set of teachings. All of the people there seemed rocked by what they had learned and I imagine they left with as many questions as they had when they came, just different ones.
In the next few blogs I am going to share with you the things I learned at SOMA school and try and give you just a glimpse of what is going on out here. So stay tuned. Next week I'll discuss my "Where's mine?!" mentality and the new revelation on that, since the prodigal son story came up for the THIRD time lately. Then I'll share with you how we are sinful and blameless at the same time, which for me has been a real stumbling point to forgiveness of myself. Noah is my teacher in that lesson.
After that maybe some more on the vision here and what it looks like to intentionally be living it out.
Love you guys.

What a freaking week!
What a disaster the last 2 months have been!
I was thinking tonight that I don't think I ever felt
like Jesus ever really needed to die for my sins.
I believe that He did and that His blood has
covered my past in forgiveness, but I don't think in
the shallow layers of my consciousness that I ever
felt like I had done anything that was necessary for
Him to die for.
I think deep down. Down farther than I have ever
cared to let myself see, let alone anyone else,
down there I have secretly felt I was and still am
such a cheating, lying, thieving, hateful, worthless,
looser that His death couldn't possibly cover it all.
Believing this lie has tainted every aspect of my life.
May God renew my mind tonight as I sleep, a deep,
peaceful sleep, about exactly what He has done for
me and just who it is that I am to Him.
May He do the same for you.