Argh!! I swear I hate computers sometimes!!

I was just about finished writing this great blog, if I do say so myself, and I hit some evil key from hell and the whole thing went away!!

So now you get the condensed version...

I had wanted to write every Sunday as to be more faithful to you my reader, but promptly blew it so to make up for it I put this beautiful picture, which by the way I had to upload twice now, of Chihuy's cherubim for you to enjoy.

Then I shared how I was praying this morning and was brought to tears by the images of the faces of the people I love and miss. I was thinking of Jenny Kouri and how there is a hole in my life that she filled for a while and I thought about Amber and Joy and Cetta and Lindsey! and Lindsey's having a baby (or 2!) and then I thought of Meliss and I have hoped for so long for her to have that experience and now I haven't gotten to even see her! (she did post a picture on myspace upon my request which I was so pleased about) but it's not the same as being there. And then I thought of all of the fun things and hard times and prayer and encouragement shared with Tara and Dani and Amy and Roberta. And I miss my dudes... Nathan and Erics and and Adam and Sean, and my pastors Josh and David.

The time I have spent here has strengthend and grown my relationship with my sister and my niece and I wanted that desperately and it has been more important to me than I even knew. And I so miss you all, even the people I am with now, when I consider moving away for years and I know God is using this time to break my dependence on you and focus it on Him and it is working, it has just caused me to remember and be blessed that I've gotten to share my heart and life with so many of His loveliest people.

So today you think too, about the the people in your life. Remember events and moments and vacations and prayers and laughter and tears. Dwell on support and encouragement and hope and correction.

Be thankful for your conscience - Corey, your cheerleader - Amy, your mirror - Jennifer, your teacher - Jenny, your cross bearer - Joy, your sidekick - Lacey, your sister in arms - Amber, your counsel - David, Josh, Paul, Derrick, Nathan, your support - Mom, Dad, Tasha, Tom, Jennifer again, your anchor - Chad and Kelly, your balance - Dimitri, your ...

you get the idea.

i'm starting to think that if i was more faithful with the writing
of this more people would read it. i know that i get tired of
checking my email when nothing new comes in so i imagine
the same holds true for this blog.
i really like to write when i feel like it and have something
to say, but honestly i could find things to say everyday if
i slowed down enough to do it.
so i will. i will write a new blog entry at least every sunday.
to be responsible to my readers and continue something i have
started.
umm... today however, the things i need to talk about are
between me and God so let my just say to you-
go spend some time with God.

you know i'm beginning to think about what i could be
doing right now if i'd made different decisions.
this kind of thinking always has a hint of regret.
the what if's always have a hint of sadness.
i wonder if i'd been more brave and moved to say
new york after high school would i be making films
and working with people i admire today?
i wonder if i'd been less afraid and continued to
participate in the music and acting i thrived in would
i be doing that today in some capacity?
i wonder if i hadn't gotten divorced if we would now
have a family and i'd be content in my middle class
part of the american dream?
i wonder if no matter the choices i'd made if i was
always going to end up here.
looking out from 37 i guess the only option is to
make the best of what's left.
to be more brave, less afraid, and make better choices.
"i'm just trying to know so i can figure out my plans."
jack whitman

i so appreciate any words

you have for me.

(thanks amber)

i also really want to know how

you feel about you,

your life,

your adventure.

(now see entry below)

ok let me just start by saying that i enjoy writing this thing
and i am surprised that anyone ever reads it.
that being said... how am i to know that you read it if you
never give me any feedback?
maybe you are used to reading these things by famous
people and you know your comments don't matter or
maybe some of the sites don't even let you comment,
but this is for my friends and i'm putting stuff out there
and want to know how it sits with you.
so do that.
consider that people who read what i wrote will also read
your comments so it's like a circle of words not only belonging
to me.
anyway-
i am 95% done with the application to the peace corps.
i am 97% sure that i am supposed to finish it.
my car sold. i asked God to use that as confirmation that
i am on the right path. that my car would sell for the amount
of my debt thus freeing me to move. and it did.
i have peace about it and have looked at it as realistically as
i can while sitting here in my cozy bed.
i have dealt with the emotions of leaving as well as i can
while i am still here.
i have cired for the loss of my stuff and let go as much as i
can while i still have most of my stuff.
i have felt selfish.
i have felt free.
i have no excitment. yet.
enough about me.
how are you guys feeling?

i wonder how seriously we are supposed to take things.
i mean i realize there are serious moments in life and
i think that when they arise our emotions are appropriately
in tune with the situation.
so serious moment = taken seriously.
but i am getting so bogged down in what to do with the
next season i have failed to find any joy or excitement
in it.
i am realizing i do not try things that challenge me or put
myself in situations where i might fail. this has always
been my way and it has left me with too much time in front
of the tv and no attachment to the strength that everyone
else sees in me.
my cat is sick and i wanna come home. i imagine she
thinks i've abandoned here and her little furry heart is broken.
the idea of staying... eh.
the idea of coming home...uh.
talk about no country for old men.
how about no idea for young-ish women.

it's interesting that i've been here several months now
and my life has all but come to a stand still.
i had grand imaginings about what it meant to choose
what i wanted from life. i never considered it would
be so hard or put so deeply in touch with who i am and
how i see myself.
i have decided 2 things i know for sure.
1. even if i have to let go of all of the things i hold dear
and am used to keeping me company, in order to find
for myself deep purpose and strength, i am willing.
2. even if i consider myself too fat to be loved, i will in no
way settle for anything shy of complete adoration in the
spirit of one Jane Austin or William Shakespeare.
for these acceptances i hold my head high as i walk down
the street and i look deeply into the eyes of each person
i love knowing i may not set eyes on them for at least a
little while.

i'm beginning to wonder if i'm cut out
for this lifestyle.
i mean i'm kinda late on the whole what
do you wanna be when you grow up thing,
and i'm wondering if i'm making the right
choices.
i realize i have had designs on a certain
kind of life. one full of adventure and
travel and service.
i think deep down i've had the desire to
be known. thinking that it would make
me special or important. or both.
i guess i'm coming to terms with my
motives for choosing what i am.
i can not survive on my own in some foreign
land if i went there because it wasn't boring.
the idea of being known scares me now.
i was talking with a new friend of mine here
and he had very strong opinions about well
basically what i am writing the book about.
i didn't say outright that i was talking
about that, but we ended up on a subject
close to my whole point and he was 100%
against it. sort of. it was in the context
of sharing the info in a large group versus
my writing it in a book, but it still shook
me.
because i feel like it should be said in
every place and to everyone because by not
saying it we do ourselves a great disservice
and continue the path of least resistance
that has gotten us nowhere and created a bunch
of pew riding, inherited religion, close minded
people claiming God's name.
i guess i feel pretty strongly about that.
and with those opinions i can not just sit
back and espouse them from the comfort of my
living room sofa.
those kind of ideas need substance to support
them.
so i have to go.
right?

Ladies of "The Moon."
(that is what my sis calls 'that time of the month,
being on her moon.)
So my dear ladies lets discuss this issue.
I just read my last entry and boy was the moon
out in full that day! Not at all to discount the
fact that our feelings are real and come from our
hearts, but wow. Some times I can't imagine
having to deal with that on the other side.
So I say thanks to all of the husbands and men
friends who love us.
I wish I could explain to you all the logic that runs
through our heads the moment we yell at you for
leaving the milk on the counter, or stomp out of the
room because I was not convinced that you meant it
when you said you loved me.
In the moment it feels so real and justified and some
times it is, but also some times, it's just the wonderful
way God made us. Leaning toward the dramatic.
So girls, and I have talked to a few of you and it seems
no matter the miles between us we are all synced up,
hang in there. Let it pass. Let it out. It will be over
soon. Keep moving forward, or take a moment to rest.
Whatever you need to do is ok, but make sure you
remember to appreciate those around you who suffer
along with you.
Today I'm back to normal and I have to thank my sister
as she was the only one receiving the full brunt of my
amplified fear and frustration.
So thanks Jen for weathering the high tide brought in by
the 'full moon.'