As the anger subsides and I learn to incorporate new
information into an old life, I find there is extra space.
Like somehow the new stuff takes us less room than
the old.
It might sound nice, but it feels strange. It feels like
something is missing and I'm not quite sure what to do
with all of this extra room.
I believe it will allow me to do new things, more things,
that I had previously found kind of out of my realm of
ability. I feel the energy to take these things on, for
example putting real effort into writing a book, and I
almost feel capable of doing it.
I had a conversation with a close friend yesterday and
she has just gotten to the point of staring down her own
darkness and hearing what God has to say and she said
very seriously that she didn't want to go any further.
I shared my experience with those moments from my
own path and assured her that it is possible to quit, but
that nothing in her was probably going to allow her to do
that.
Once the spirit gets a glimpse of freedom it takes an
absolute abandonment of faith to cease moving forward.
I know what if feels like to quit. I've done it all of my
life every time something got too hard or scary (much to
the chagrin of my risk taking father who so desperately
wanted us to be water sports, snow skiing, motorcycle riding,
kids.)
The first time a boy laughed as I ran the mile, my mom got
me out of ever having to run the mile again. The day that
I was trying out for dance team and saw people watching
me, I left and never went back. Every time I get close to
a healthier weight I get scared of the attention and I
sabotage my exercise efforts...
It's actually an endless list.
But really if I hadn't at some point been in touch with the
Spirit of God that lives in me this would have never changed.
At some point when it came time to quit again, and this time
the stakes were much higher, it being my freedom, there was
a knowing-ness in me that even as the words, "I want to quit,"
were coming out of my mouth, even in that very same moment,
I knew that what was in me would not let me quit.
It wasn't something I did, or found, or learned, or preformed,
or read, or heard. It just was. Just this thing inside of my
own spirit that had gained strength from another source and
was able to slowly and gently move me into and through each
new, scary season.
Today the darkest and scariest of all secrets is out and in full
view of God and the trusted people I have chosen to tell are
being loving and caring as they always have been and the
relationship with that unknown source has a clear and defined
name and purpose, today I am free.
I try to tell everyone God sends me to encourage that their
path is their own. Perfectly outfitted to their life and
exactly specific to who they are. I hope that they find
peace in this as looking at what my path has been I can very
clearly see why people would not want to go further.
It will not look like mine or anyone else's. It will be your own.
And even though I am still dealing with the consequences of
some things, and it is hard to see what comes next since I
have never been here before, even though, it is absolute
freedom I am after and nothing inside of me is going to
allow me to fall one bit short or the prefect life He has for me.