Ok everyone. The long awaited new-ness is here! Can't tell? That's because I have created a wole new blog with a new name and a new look!
It is much more detailed and puts on display many more of the things I want to be able to share. It was quite a daunting task to a still rather computer illiterate girl. But I am now a fully computer illiterate computer geek. It has taken me many hours to learn the new ways of the professional grade hosting site, and just a few hours to find what a hex value was.
I am putting final touches on it now and will send you the new link next Wednesday. Thanks to all of you for following along on this journey that God has had me on specifically during these last two years. It has been an amazing season and I look forward to letting you in on some of the more mature versions of myself.
Love you all-
for that last time as juliaslife-julia
Friday, October 2, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Well for the first time since I started writing this blog almost two years ago, I find myself nervous about it. I had some suggestions as to improvements that could be made, and I asked for them, and they are great ideas, but I have never tried to make this anything but the beginning of my sharing my learning through writing. So I really didn't have any idea how to take the advice and apply it. As I shared in a recent blog, I thought about making it more of a chronological account of my life with the intention to help others with similar experiences, but this is not going to work for me.
I have always loved the idea of sharing in the moment. Not sharing a slick, perfected idea or issue. But to share in the moment the struggles and successes of daily life. So I am going to stick with that because changing that made me not even want to write it.
Another thing I love is the way Carrie's character in Sex in the City writes. My style is the same idea, asking questions and then working through the answers as they come. Obviously I will not be as overtly sexual, but it may come up. Just a warning. :)
But I have made some changes in my approach to the way I think about this venue for my writing and I have come up with what I think will be a lot of fun, and work, for me, and at the same time make this a more widely read blog. Because if you don't know, all writers want to be read or why else write. Writers will say all day long that they write because they have this insatiable compulsion to do so, and they have to do it. This is not true of me. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but my truest pleasure is in teaching to faces the things that God does and is. But again, I want to reach as many people as possible, so as this grows and becomes more of what God has for it to be, I hope you will feel inspired to share it with others who need truth and grace and a word inspired from the source of all love, our grace-filled Creator.
I love you all. Keep the comments coming.
Look forward next week to many new topics and pictures.
I have always loved the idea of sharing in the moment. Not sharing a slick, perfected idea or issue. But to share in the moment the struggles and successes of daily life. So I am going to stick with that because changing that made me not even want to write it.
Another thing I love is the way Carrie's character in Sex in the City writes. My style is the same idea, asking questions and then working through the answers as they come. Obviously I will not be as overtly sexual, but it may come up. Just a warning. :)
But I have made some changes in my approach to the way I think about this venue for my writing and I have come up with what I think will be a lot of fun, and work, for me, and at the same time make this a more widely read blog. Because if you don't know, all writers want to be read or why else write. Writers will say all day long that they write because they have this insatiable compulsion to do so, and they have to do it. This is not true of me. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but my truest pleasure is in teaching to faces the things that God does and is. But again, I want to reach as many people as possible, so as this grows and becomes more of what God has for it to be, I hope you will feel inspired to share it with others who need truth and grace and a word inspired from the source of all love, our grace-filled Creator.
I love you all. Keep the comments coming.
Look forward next week to many new topics and pictures.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Having learned that stories are the best way to communicate because our Creator created us as story formed people, I see the need to not only share stories, but to have these stories include a common thread. Being story formed means that we use stories to teach and share and interact. It is the most ancient form of communication becasue before we could write we could speak. Having a common thread means that in a series of stories there is an overarching theme that ties them all together, and for me makes it easier to understand.
Take for example; well let’s say… the bible. It is full of stories. And if you chose a theme, it could be redemption, relationship, forgiveness etc.; you can draw that out specifically from each story and get a clear view on God’s idea of and purpose for it. I am teaching in this style a small group of ladies at my house. We are stringing together the redemptive theme, which will climax with Jesus, and have been seeing so many stories of redemption which are building a theme of God's characteristics. Like how kind and caring and responsive He is no matter your sin. Examples here… Adam and Eve, Jacob, Moses, just to name a few, all of whom sinned greatly and were redeemed for purposes of great responsibility.
So, to start this series of writings I thought it would be helpful to know that we are on a redemptive arc with a freedom theme. My hope is that the stories I share will all be tied together with my steps toward freedom, pointing to the bigger picture of restoration and sanctification as part of redemption. The result of which, again I hope, is peace that passes understanding no matter the circumstances, a path to ease and light no matter the emotional digging going on, and the keys to self awareness which unlocks the prison of shame or fear or bitterness, and leaves you free to fully experience love and joy and truth.
But before you can be free you have to be able to see the walls of your prison. So next week I will show you the long ago places of darkness and just like any good bible story I hope you will not only see the intended theme, but also see it pointing to the ways I have been loved and protected and guided even when it does not seem that way. Because it’s those things that tell you of God’s character, and it is by knowing who He really is that will set you free.
Take for example; well let’s say… the bible. It is full of stories. And if you chose a theme, it could be redemption, relationship, forgiveness etc.; you can draw that out specifically from each story and get a clear view on God’s idea of and purpose for it. I am teaching in this style a small group of ladies at my house. We are stringing together the redemptive theme, which will climax with Jesus, and have been seeing so many stories of redemption which are building a theme of God's characteristics. Like how kind and caring and responsive He is no matter your sin. Examples here… Adam and Eve, Jacob, Moses, just to name a few, all of whom sinned greatly and were redeemed for purposes of great responsibility.
So, to start this series of writings I thought it would be helpful to know that we are on a redemptive arc with a freedom theme. My hope is that the stories I share will all be tied together with my steps toward freedom, pointing to the bigger picture of restoration and sanctification as part of redemption. The result of which, again I hope, is peace that passes understanding no matter the circumstances, a path to ease and light no matter the emotional digging going on, and the keys to self awareness which unlocks the prison of shame or fear or bitterness, and leaves you free to fully experience love and joy and truth.
But before you can be free you have to be able to see the walls of your prison. So next week I will show you the long ago places of darkness and just like any good bible story I hope you will not only see the intended theme, but also see it pointing to the ways I have been loved and protected and guided even when it does not seem that way. Because it’s those things that tell you of God’s character, and it is by knowing who He really is that will set you free.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I had no idea that when I baited you with the olfactory sensation of freedom that I would be smack dab in the thick of fighting for my own just a few days later.
I really have had such a great experience being set free. It seems like from the get I knew that there was something I had not seen but I knew was available. Yes I had heard it preached, but I also just had the sense that even though it was obviously elusive to the other followers I know, that there was more to be had. I do not speak of this in a way that means others are less than or even missing something. I am only speaking from my experience and when I look at the lives of others in comparison with mine, which you are never supposed to do, I felt like God was calling me to more.
I had no idea more what. My examples of what it means to be and looks like to be a Christian are normal people. Full of life and experiencing joy and pain just like everyone on the planet. I don’t know if I felt like I had more to deal with or felt called to a deeper relationship with God, but when I looked around me I didn’t see anyone who seemed to be doing the emotional digging I was.
My daily life was a moment by moment existence driven by my need of instruction and support. I felt very comfortable, so I thought, trusting God with all of me. It seemed natural and almost easy to just let go and let Him lead. I realize now that the past 9 years have apparently been a process of me letting go every day the parts of me that were being restored because they had been stolen from me.
So it turns out that until today I have not been in possession of enough of me to surrender fully to God in order to receive the freedom I have for so long been working. And the bugger of it is; the working part was my choice. It didn’t have to be such a burden. Again today in the midst of compiling my list of things to do to be set free I was reminded that there is nothing for me to do.
So how do we begin this journey? How do I share with you where I came from and how I got here in a way that helps you begin, or continue to move through, your own journey? And not only that but allows you to benefit from what God has taught me because that is the only reason I will ever write one more word. I used to write to say things I would never say out loud. Then I wrote because God had given me something to say and I thought that meant I was a worthwhile person. Then I tried to organize my writing so that I could find a reason to write which became the need to be published and have my voice heard, and pay the bills. And now, after all of this unnecessary work, I will write with you in mind. With the intent to benefit someone other than myself and, it will be easy. Because Jesus said so.
Again… how? Well my past is filled with stories of pain and abuse and insecurity, very much like most of the people in the world. So I’ll start there. Next week.
I really have had such a great experience being set free. It seems like from the get I knew that there was something I had not seen but I knew was available. Yes I had heard it preached, but I also just had the sense that even though it was obviously elusive to the other followers I know, that there was more to be had. I do not speak of this in a way that means others are less than or even missing something. I am only speaking from my experience and when I look at the lives of others in comparison with mine, which you are never supposed to do, I felt like God was calling me to more.
I had no idea more what. My examples of what it means to be and looks like to be a Christian are normal people. Full of life and experiencing joy and pain just like everyone on the planet. I don’t know if I felt like I had more to deal with or felt called to a deeper relationship with God, but when I looked around me I didn’t see anyone who seemed to be doing the emotional digging I was.
My daily life was a moment by moment existence driven by my need of instruction and support. I felt very comfortable, so I thought, trusting God with all of me. It seemed natural and almost easy to just let go and let Him lead. I realize now that the past 9 years have apparently been a process of me letting go every day the parts of me that were being restored because they had been stolen from me.
So it turns out that until today I have not been in possession of enough of me to surrender fully to God in order to receive the freedom I have for so long been working. And the bugger of it is; the working part was my choice. It didn’t have to be such a burden. Again today in the midst of compiling my list of things to do to be set free I was reminded that there is nothing for me to do.
So how do we begin this journey? How do I share with you where I came from and how I got here in a way that helps you begin, or continue to move through, your own journey? And not only that but allows you to benefit from what God has taught me because that is the only reason I will ever write one more word. I used to write to say things I would never say out loud. Then I wrote because God had given me something to say and I thought that meant I was a worthwhile person. Then I tried to organize my writing so that I could find a reason to write which became the need to be published and have my voice heard, and pay the bills. And now, after all of this unnecessary work, I will write with you in mind. With the intent to benefit someone other than myself and, it will be easy. Because Jesus said so.
Again… how? Well my past is filled with stories of pain and abuse and insecurity, very much like most of the people in the world. So I’ll start there. Next week.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
So the suspense is over! As you can see by the pictures I decided to go to the reunion. I took along a friend from church as an anchor in case I went blank and forgot who I was, and to keep me from reverting naturally back to that loud, insecure, silly girl.
The moment I walked in the door I realized I did not need a reminder of who I am. I have now been this person longer than I was that high school girl, and weight issue aside, I felt very comfortable as me.
We all talked an hugged and caught up on life. What I had not realized is that in a restaurant bar, with 75 people you are trying to talk to, the conversation does not get deep. So my answer to the question was... drum roll please... "My sister and I have our own wedding photography business." End of story. It was great. I did feel like I wanted to share more with a few people, but as happens with 80's teenagers we were drawn on to the dance floor with the baiting sounds of Guns and Roses and Prince.
Still though the idea of how I got here and what I am doing has grown much bigger than just trying to find an answer to a question or a justifiable list of reasons for my existence.
It has caused me to consider with perspective all that I have been through, all that God has seen me through, and what that means for you. You whom God has given me to. You who are the fulfillment of a promise He made to me saying that, "None of your pain will be wasted." This being said during my struggle to decide if life was worth living or not.
So, since my pain is not wasted and it has made me who I am, a teacher of the word and work of God, I am going to use this place to share how He and I got here.
And by the way, here is a place so very near absolute and total freedom that I can smell it. You want to know what freedom smells like???
Check back next week!
The moment I walked in the door I realized I did not need a reminder of who I am. I have now been this person longer than I was that high school girl, and weight issue aside, I felt very comfortable as me.
We all talked an hugged and caught up on life. What I had not realized is that in a restaurant bar, with 75 people you are trying to talk to, the conversation does not get deep. So my answer to the question was... drum roll please... "My sister and I have our own wedding photography business." End of story. It was great. I did feel like I wanted to share more with a few people, but as happens with 80's teenagers we were drawn on to the dance floor with the baiting sounds of Guns and Roses and Prince.
Still though the idea of how I got here and what I am doing has grown much bigger than just trying to find an answer to a question or a justifiable list of reasons for my existence.
It has caused me to consider with perspective all that I have been through, all that God has seen me through, and what that means for you. You whom God has given me to. You who are the fulfillment of a promise He made to me saying that, "None of your pain will be wasted." This being said during my struggle to decide if life was worth living or not.
So, since my pain is not wasted and it has made me who I am, a teacher of the word and work of God, I am going to use this place to share how He and I got here.
And by the way, here is a place so very near absolute and total freedom that I can smell it. You want to know what freedom smells like???
Check back next week!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
My 20th high school reunion was 2 weeks ago. I talked to many people who each had an opinion on either thier own experience or whether or not I should attend mine. I had decided at one point not to go because I had gotten caught up in trying to figure out what I would say to people when they asked me what I was doing now. Every time I imagined the scene, "So Julia, what do you do?" asks someone I am struggling to recognize through all of the self-tanner and sagging skin - "I am a Christian!" is the answer I blurt. Here I imagine they judge me and write me off as a feeble minded idiot who is at any moment going to tell them what a miserable sinner they are and try to save their soul.
The other option, same question- this time I go into detail... "Well I live with my sister and she has a daughter, Stella, and we have two other single girls who live with us and it is part of our ministry. I also teach, and right now am leading a group of ladies through the story of God. And I have traveled all over the world on mission trips, most recently to the Czech Republic, and..." I trail off as I see their eyes glaze over and they start to search the room for another recognizable face to use as an excuse to escape.
It's not whether or not I have a big house or a fancy car or kids or even a husband that I feel like I needed to justify my existence, but at least I need to have an good answer as to just what it is that I spend my days doing. Not too much to ask I don't think. Of myself, and of God.
My life since deciding to follow Jesus has been an extraordinary case of of strange requests. I have often been in a season that required some real thought as to how to explain what I 'do.' Having inherited my dads predisposition for pride I have not felt very concerned about what others thought about that answer, when I have been able to come up with one, until the reunion began looming in the near future.
The other option, same question- this time I go into detail... "Well I live with my sister and she has a daughter, Stella, and we have two other single girls who live with us and it is part of our ministry. I also teach, and right now am leading a group of ladies through the story of God. And I have traveled all over the world on mission trips, most recently to the Czech Republic, and..." I trail off as I see their eyes glaze over and they start to search the room for another recognizable face to use as an excuse to escape.
It's not whether or not I have a big house or a fancy car or kids or even a husband that I feel like I needed to justify my existence, but at least I need to have an good answer as to just what it is that I spend my days doing. Not too much to ask I don't think. Of myself, and of God.
My life since deciding to follow Jesus has been an extraordinary case of of strange requests. I have often been in a season that required some real thought as to how to explain what I 'do.' Having inherited my dads predisposition for pride I have not felt very concerned about what others thought about that answer, when I have been able to come up with one, until the reunion began looming in the near future.
Honestly the only thing I was bummed about is the fact that over the last year or so I have gained back some weight I lost and that would have been really nice to walk into that bar looking smokin', 38 year old, hot. So with that to accept and the explanation of my existence to figure out, I leaned heavily toward the 'no I will not attend' box.
How do you sum up 20 years without those pretty normal things to show for it? And even though most of the time I do not feel like my life is less full because I do not have those things, considering the explanation of what I have been doing caused me to spend some time thinking about what I have been through and how I got here.
Come back next week and I'll tell you what I discovered and what I decided.
Friday, August 14, 2009
In the story of Abraham and God, after God promises to make Abraham the father of many nations through his own, as yet un-conceived son, God comes for a visit on His way to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.
I had read this story many times and each time the idea of the conversation between God and Abraham was the outstanding thing for me. How Abe had talked to God is suggesting and seemingly getting God to change His mind. I don’t think God does that so I see it as God setting up this scenario to teach Abraham how to talk to Him and to give him confidence as to how to approach Him. He lets Abe talk Him down in an almost harassing way. Abe says over and over again, “What about this many…” And each time God goes, “OK.”
I loved this. I was a major piece in my learning how to see God in my life as active participant and loving Father.
But this last time I stopped on the part in which God is sitting outside of Abraham’s tent and He asks where Sarah is and Abe says that she is in the tent. He had just asked her to prepare some things for their guests. God promises again; for what I think is the third time, that they will have a child. This time though He gives a time frame. A year from now, He says. And Sarah in the kitchen hears this and laughs. When she comes out with things to serve them I assume, God asks her why she laughed. And her response is ridiculous. She denies that she laughed. And God says, “Yes you did.”
It is such a strange little piece to put in there. They don’t get into a fight and God does not call her a liar. There is no further mention of it at all.
I am learning that in bible study, when something sticks out like that for you, it is not just a strange thing God put in there for some strange reason; it is the Spirit calling you deeper exploration. And it was sticking out for me; because this is my ridiculous response too.
In all of the healing going on for me… I am having trouble letting God see me. And for some ridiculous reason, I think He can’t. In my shame, I am hiding something from Him? Well, I am trying to. I am afraid that if He sees it all He will take away the things I love and I will be rejected and worthless.
So when God confronts Sarah with her disbelief, in fear, she denies it. As if she is able to hide this from God! And God responds by stating clearly and plainly and without judgment that He knows.
To my surprise, this is a great relief to me! I am not afraid because He knows, I am set free from hiding! I am set free not only from trying to keep part of myself hidden from God which is impossible, and tiring, I am relieved because if He does already know… and He hasn’t cast me out as useless and ugly, then… then what? Then He must actually approve of me and love me. If He really sees me, even the things I think He can’t see because I am keeping them inside the tent, if He sees even those things too… then I am free from shame.
Sarah had an honest response of disbelief in that moment. God had made this promise years before also. I would have giggled a little too. But when He asked her why she laughed, meaning to have her answer for her lack of trust and or faith, she was afraid, and I think, ashamed. So she denied it like she believed she could hide something from God. And He told her straight out, you cannot. “Yes you did.” This was not meant to shame her, but to free her. I don’t know if it did or not. But it freed me. 2000 years later, that moment God knew would be recorded and I would see and be freed to let Him see me. Thank you God.
I had read this story many times and each time the idea of the conversation between God and Abraham was the outstanding thing for me. How Abe had talked to God is suggesting and seemingly getting God to change His mind. I don’t think God does that so I see it as God setting up this scenario to teach Abraham how to talk to Him and to give him confidence as to how to approach Him. He lets Abe talk Him down in an almost harassing way. Abe says over and over again, “What about this many…” And each time God goes, “OK.”
I loved this. I was a major piece in my learning how to see God in my life as active participant and loving Father.
But this last time I stopped on the part in which God is sitting outside of Abraham’s tent and He asks where Sarah is and Abe says that she is in the tent. He had just asked her to prepare some things for their guests. God promises again; for what I think is the third time, that they will have a child. This time though He gives a time frame. A year from now, He says. And Sarah in the kitchen hears this and laughs. When she comes out with things to serve them I assume, God asks her why she laughed. And her response is ridiculous. She denies that she laughed. And God says, “Yes you did.”
It is such a strange little piece to put in there. They don’t get into a fight and God does not call her a liar. There is no further mention of it at all.
I am learning that in bible study, when something sticks out like that for you, it is not just a strange thing God put in there for some strange reason; it is the Spirit calling you deeper exploration. And it was sticking out for me; because this is my ridiculous response too.
In all of the healing going on for me… I am having trouble letting God see me. And for some ridiculous reason, I think He can’t. In my shame, I am hiding something from Him? Well, I am trying to. I am afraid that if He sees it all He will take away the things I love and I will be rejected and worthless.
So when God confronts Sarah with her disbelief, in fear, she denies it. As if she is able to hide this from God! And God responds by stating clearly and plainly and without judgment that He knows.
To my surprise, this is a great relief to me! I am not afraid because He knows, I am set free from hiding! I am set free not only from trying to keep part of myself hidden from God which is impossible, and tiring, I am relieved because if He does already know… and He hasn’t cast me out as useless and ugly, then… then what? Then He must actually approve of me and love me. If He really sees me, even the things I think He can’t see because I am keeping them inside the tent, if He sees even those things too… then I am free from shame.
Sarah had an honest response of disbelief in that moment. God had made this promise years before also. I would have giggled a little too. But when He asked her why she laughed, meaning to have her answer for her lack of trust and or faith, she was afraid, and I think, ashamed. So she denied it like she believed she could hide something from God. And He told her straight out, you cannot. “Yes you did.” This was not meant to shame her, but to free her. I don’t know if it did or not. But it freed me. 2000 years later, that moment God knew would be recorded and I would see and be freed to let Him see me. Thank you God.
My Filing Cabinet is in God's Throne Room
So many things are running through my head again.
How I loved the movie Julie/Julia and am wondering if I need a 'hook' as it were, to get more people to read this.
I am going to my high school reunion tonight, my 20 year, and I'm wondering if I will remember all of the people I am supposed to, and if facebook is any indicator, I will not.
I am thinking about Erin and Amy and Roberta and Brandt and Pavel and Ales and Alca.
Thoughts of yesterday's story of God group and how Emily asked me what the biggest blessing for me was about teaching it and in the middle of my people pleasing answer she interjected that it is the fact that I am getting to have my calling confirmed and fulfilled and isn't that the best, and I swear I wanted to cry.
(As organized as I feel sometimes I wish life came with a schedule and a filing system.)
I live in what is, without biased opinion, one of the most beautiful places on the earth and I don't feel like I could ever soak in enough of it.
I am wondering how much longer this road toward healing with my mom is.
I am realizing that one of the things that God has given me to tell people has to do with responsibility of owning your own junk and then teaching them to walk through that with Him.
(Btw- the basis for the freedom is the work in the area of bitter root issues.)
I am enjoying being free of anger and constantly surprised at how people are again responding to this increased softness in me. (Thank you Jennifer, Matt, Brandon, Erika, and Erin for being part of that.)
I am overwhelmed with all of the things I could pray about today.
Maybe my filing cabinet is in God's throne room. I think I'll go in there and have Him help me go over some of these things.
May each of you recognize that today you are right where you are supposed to be and that, all by itself, is the greatest experience of love by our Daddy. Take time today to look around and soak in your life. It's happening right in front of you.
Now, rest.
P.S.
Thank all of you who made comments and had ideas about the last blog. Keep those coming. It is what keeps me going. And this time- tell me what you think about this thing. Is it too long? Do I need a cute tag line or a more structured purpose? How often should I update the writing? The pictures? Any ideas.
How I loved the movie Julie/Julia and am wondering if I need a 'hook' as it were, to get more people to read this.
I am going to my high school reunion tonight, my 20 year, and I'm wondering if I will remember all of the people I am supposed to, and if facebook is any indicator, I will not.
I am thinking about Erin and Amy and Roberta and Brandt and Pavel and Ales and Alca.
Thoughts of yesterday's story of God group and how Emily asked me what the biggest blessing for me was about teaching it and in the middle of my people pleasing answer she interjected that it is the fact that I am getting to have my calling confirmed and fulfilled and isn't that the best, and I swear I wanted to cry.
(As organized as I feel sometimes I wish life came with a schedule and a filing system.)
I live in what is, without biased opinion, one of the most beautiful places on the earth and I don't feel like I could ever soak in enough of it.
I am wondering how much longer this road toward healing with my mom is.
I am realizing that one of the things that God has given me to tell people has to do with responsibility of owning your own junk and then teaching them to walk through that with Him.
(Btw- the basis for the freedom is the work in the area of bitter root issues.)
I am enjoying being free of anger and constantly surprised at how people are again responding to this increased softness in me. (Thank you Jennifer, Matt, Brandon, Erika, and Erin for being part of that.)
I am overwhelmed with all of the things I could pray about today.
Maybe my filing cabinet is in God's throne room. I think I'll go in there and have Him help me go over some of these things.
May each of you recognize that today you are right where you are supposed to be and that, all by itself, is the greatest experience of love by our Daddy. Take time today to look around and soak in your life. It's happening right in front of you.
Now, rest.
P.S.
Thank all of you who made comments and had ideas about the last blog. Keep those coming. It is what keeps me going. And this time- tell me what you think about this thing. Is it too long? Do I need a cute tag line or a more structured purpose? How often should I update the writing? The pictures? Any ideas.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Egads! What does it feel like to feel gifted and compelled and worthy of a voice?!
I tell you it feels like freedom and a little fear.
There are just too many things going on to explain it all, so I will just pick one thing and go with that. What should it be??? How about how I was a prisoner to anger and bitterness all of my life feeling like what I had to say didn't matter, and this stemming from being raped when I was eight years old and used my voice to tell them to stop, and they did it anyway leaving me feeling rage, and being unable to express it began a pattern of negative, hate filled dialogue in my head that continued on for 30 years stealing my ability to feel my life and any joy.
Yeah, like I said, Egads!
Now try this on for size.
Over the past 10 years, with the loving hand of God as my guide, I have been peeling back layer after layer of fear, addiction, and anxiety only to find anger underneath causing all kinds of mayhem in my mind and heart and after peeling back the layer of abuse begins the process of dealing with the actual events in which God has kindly and Kingly rewritten in my memory, mind, and heart freeing me to come out from under victim-hood and and feel the anger just before He defused it and gave me back my voice.
Hope, hope and more hope dear friends. But it does not come without the work. God is a God of if/then and you can claim promises all day until you are blue in the face and all you will get is a part in an episode of the Smurfs.
Let's see how this works...
I was sitting at church and we had broken into small groups to pray together and my group being made up of people who all know each other very well was discussing some things. I was sharing that having tapped into my root of anger had me a little worried that if it were to come out it would destroy the entire north end of Tacoma. I had enough anger to kill everyone and smash all of their stuff and burn all of their houses down so I could hurt them the way I had been hurt. My friend who is a fireman took a mental note I think.
Someone asked about dealing with anger and I said, and my sister agreed, that I would never encourage anyone to take on the process of healing if they did not first claim at least the faith of a mustard seed.
Another person in our circle was my friend Annie's 13 year old daughter Makenzie. When she heard this she said excitedly, "I have a scripture!" She picked up a bible and began looking for the verse. When she got to it she read it to herself and then closed her bible. I asked her what it had said and she said that it had been the wrong one. She said, "I was looking for one that said something about a mustard seed but I was wrong, all it said was something about prayer and fasting of food." I said for her to took it up and read it. She read us Matthew 17:21, "However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting of food." My fireman friend suggested that we rip that page our and throw it away. I laughed and agreed, but I knew God was using her to tell me that this was how I needed to deal with my anger. To pray and to fast from food. It is always food with me!
Annie, being practically a bible scholar, told Makenzie to read the rest of the scripture around this verse, but she said no and we all went back to our seats and continued with worship. But I knew what had happened, and I knew that God had given me an answer and saved the north end of Tacoma.
When I got home I looked up the verse and read the entire chapter. It's about Jesus curing a boy who suffered from seizures. The disciples had tried to help the boy but could not and when they asked Jesus why He said, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "Move from here to there," and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting."
Ha! She was right on top of the verse! But I needed the other part and God knew that. And if Makenzie had listened to the Spirit in her mother she would have seen that she was not wrong and found the verse she was looking for.
All things work together for God's glory my friends. The big and the small things. I got an answer I wasn't even really aware that I was looking for, Makenzie got to be used by God to help me, and my fireman friend got to sleep easier.
So fast from food, and pray I did and two days ago I spent my first anger free day in 30 years. I didn't wake up to bugles or fireworks. It was very subtle, yet very obvious. There was just something missing and it was something that I didn't miss. I'm not sure yet all of the ways this will effect me, but I know there will be many.
One way that has been so exciting already is the fact that I know what I have to say matters. And as a writer and a teacher that is an extraordinary thing.
Oh but a buyer beware tale... The day after I was done fasting and praying is the day that I lead a small group. Several things conspired that morning to get me angry and to make me feel like no one cared about what I had to say. Instead of racing through several angry speeches in my head I just sat down and asked God what was going on. I realized that I was being tested which made a lot of sense after what I had been going through. I just sat back and let the understanding wash over me and God revealed several things to me. One that the overflowing well of anger was dried up and there wasn't even enough for one angry speech. Two that it does matter what I have to say, but that awareness comes from my trust in Him and not from what and when I say anything. And third that without a test to prove these other two things, I might never have seen so clearly the freedom I had just newly walked into.
I love you Guys, and you guys too.
I tell you it feels like freedom and a little fear.
There are just too many things going on to explain it all, so I will just pick one thing and go with that. What should it be??? How about how I was a prisoner to anger and bitterness all of my life feeling like what I had to say didn't matter, and this stemming from being raped when I was eight years old and used my voice to tell them to stop, and they did it anyway leaving me feeling rage, and being unable to express it began a pattern of negative, hate filled dialogue in my head that continued on for 30 years stealing my ability to feel my life and any joy.
Yeah, like I said, Egads!
Now try this on for size.
Over the past 10 years, with the loving hand of God as my guide, I have been peeling back layer after layer of fear, addiction, and anxiety only to find anger underneath causing all kinds of mayhem in my mind and heart and after peeling back the layer of abuse begins the process of dealing with the actual events in which God has kindly and Kingly rewritten in my memory, mind, and heart freeing me to come out from under victim-hood and and feel the anger just before He defused it and gave me back my voice.
Hope, hope and more hope dear friends. But it does not come without the work. God is a God of if/then and you can claim promises all day until you are blue in the face and all you will get is a part in an episode of the Smurfs.
Let's see how this works...
I was sitting at church and we had broken into small groups to pray together and my group being made up of people who all know each other very well was discussing some things. I was sharing that having tapped into my root of anger had me a little worried that if it were to come out it would destroy the entire north end of Tacoma. I had enough anger to kill everyone and smash all of their stuff and burn all of their houses down so I could hurt them the way I had been hurt. My friend who is a fireman took a mental note I think.
Someone asked about dealing with anger and I said, and my sister agreed, that I would never encourage anyone to take on the process of healing if they did not first claim at least the faith of a mustard seed.
Another person in our circle was my friend Annie's 13 year old daughter Makenzie. When she heard this she said excitedly, "I have a scripture!" She picked up a bible and began looking for the verse. When she got to it she read it to herself and then closed her bible. I asked her what it had said and she said that it had been the wrong one. She said, "I was looking for one that said something about a mustard seed but I was wrong, all it said was something about prayer and fasting of food." I said for her to took it up and read it. She read us Matthew 17:21, "However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting of food." My fireman friend suggested that we rip that page our and throw it away. I laughed and agreed, but I knew God was using her to tell me that this was how I needed to deal with my anger. To pray and to fast from food. It is always food with me!
Annie, being practically a bible scholar, told Makenzie to read the rest of the scripture around this verse, but she said no and we all went back to our seats and continued with worship. But I knew what had happened, and I knew that God had given me an answer and saved the north end of Tacoma.
When I got home I looked up the verse and read the entire chapter. It's about Jesus curing a boy who suffered from seizures. The disciples had tried to help the boy but could not and when they asked Jesus why He said, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "Move from here to there," and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting."
Ha! She was right on top of the verse! But I needed the other part and God knew that. And if Makenzie had listened to the Spirit in her mother she would have seen that she was not wrong and found the verse she was looking for.
All things work together for God's glory my friends. The big and the small things. I got an answer I wasn't even really aware that I was looking for, Makenzie got to be used by God to help me, and my fireman friend got to sleep easier.
So fast from food, and pray I did and two days ago I spent my first anger free day in 30 years. I didn't wake up to bugles or fireworks. It was very subtle, yet very obvious. There was just something missing and it was something that I didn't miss. I'm not sure yet all of the ways this will effect me, but I know there will be many.
One way that has been so exciting already is the fact that I know what I have to say matters. And as a writer and a teacher that is an extraordinary thing.
Oh but a buyer beware tale... The day after I was done fasting and praying is the day that I lead a small group. Several things conspired that morning to get me angry and to make me feel like no one cared about what I had to say. Instead of racing through several angry speeches in my head I just sat down and asked God what was going on. I realized that I was being tested which made a lot of sense after what I had been going through. I just sat back and let the understanding wash over me and God revealed several things to me. One that the overflowing well of anger was dried up and there wasn't even enough for one angry speech. Two that it does matter what I have to say, but that awareness comes from my trust in Him and not from what and when I say anything. And third that without a test to prove these other two things, I might never have seen so clearly the freedom I had just newly walked into.
I love you Guys, and you guys too.
Friday, July 17, 2009
As I have started to add some structure to my string of seemingly endless, God-centered days I have been given some tools to categorize things. I work better when things have a place and a label. (I realize this is not helping my case of not being obsessive compulsive.) Some of the labels are 'physical tasks,' 'relational tasks,' and the one I love most, 'ministry tasks.' Physical tasks are my stretching time in the morning and any other exercise I get in. Relational tasks are time I invest in the people God has put in my life to know and love and pastor. In the ministry task category falls reading and writing and teaching, all things that I find the least complicated. And the categories often overlap because sometimes I will go for a walk with someone I love and we get time to talk; then the physical and relational are both in play.
Two of my favorite ministry tasks right now are writing this blog and teaching what we call at Soma, the story of God. It is a condensed version of the bible taught with the intention of causing dialogue creating a familiar relationship with the people and stories and person of God for each person in the group. That sounds official doesn't it? I just made it up. But, it is the purpose and the way in which my pastor is growing me and mentoring me into whatever God has next is by having me lead it. I am passionate about it because I am only now after ten years of loving Jesus, living in the truth and fullness that this book, this ancient text, is an operators manual and a love letter to me from The Creator of everything.
Next week I am going to share with you the powerful way in which God has used the Song of Songs as a love letter to me, but today I have to share with you an idea that came up yesterday during our story of God discussion.
We are on week three and that is the story of Cain and Abel. The first week is of the creation and the second is of the disruption, or the fall, and if you get too far into the story without going back over each of them they can easily become disjointed, individual stories instead of the history of one family, and of us. For me that has been a big reason that it's hard to read the bible. I have not understood the flow of stories and their places in time. The usual Sunday school fare are stories taken out of context and asked to stand on their own which leaves out understanding of the cause and effect throughout history and of the layer upon layer of care, provision, and redemption God has offered us from day one.
The conversation in our group has been interesting and deep and many questions have been asked and some answers have been uncovered. It is so exciting for me to lead people though discovery of of His love and adoration for us. It's a totally new way of leading for me, and it is totally based on the way God and Jesus both teach. They ask questions so that you have to think and as a result you own and can claim the answer. There is power in that like no other. Power enough to change your life. They have all gone away from the discussion asking more questions than we had time to discuss, and that has lead them to do some digging on their own. We have talked about the big questions, the ones that seemingly have no answers. Like, why did God put us here with Satan on the prowl? And why did He tempt us with the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? And why didn't Adam and Eve trust God and not eat the fruit? I have gone though this story before and heard some of the smartest teachers I know leave those questions unanswered. So I was shocked for my little group to put together something of an answer, and a satisfactory one at that.
We were discussing why they, meaning Cain, Adam, and Eve, didn't trust Him and applying that to our own lives. The comment then was the fact that Adam and Even had no reason not to trust God. Their lives had been perfect and in perfect union with their Creator. They had known no abuse or pain or doubt and still they didn't heed His warning. We all shared some of our areas that have caused us pain and that keep us from trusting God. Areas like not being modeled trust or being betrayed and finding it hard to trust again. But in the garden these things were not present. We have reasons not to trust, they had none. And still they didn't. Usually that is as far as that discussion gets. It's sometimes interesting, but a waste of time to speculate too much. But in that moment for me God began to draw connecting lines that explained more.
From even just the first little bit of the bible, the creation, the disruption, and Cain and Abel, we see that God is a relational God. That is one of things that is always discussed during these stories. He walks with Adam and Eve. He desires their company and comes looking for them in the cool of the day. He has a heartfelt conversation with Cain about his offering. So, if the angels were only created to praise and we were created in His image, He must have been desiring a more balanced connection, and that is reflected in His interactions with us.
At first He sets us up in the prefect environment. Everything provided and His attention included. But there is the deal of the tree... Why would He even tempt us to chose wrongly and ruin everything? My new thought was what if the garden was not the perfect scenario? What if it was just the perfect beginning, and knowing that if He gave us free will the pain of us choosing wrongly would be devastating, but having the option to chose and choosing rightly would bring even greater joy and satisfaction than even the pain of death could destroy.
God created us as His image bearers and in that we were given the power to choose. It seems that they chose wrong when they ate the fruit because it brought about so much pain and suffering to come. But what if the garden was not ideal for a relationship with God? It was beautiful and everything needed was there, but there was no need for choice. There was nothing that compelled us to chose Him. Nothing that caused us to desire and pursue a relationship with Him. That would never have been His reason for creating us. To live this perfect, clean, easy life with all of the power of free will just sitting idle. What if what we have now is the perfect set up? The garden of Eden was a womb experience and never intended to last forever, and this grand adventure of struggle and toil and victory and defeat was waiting to be lived once we were moved outside the protection of the Father in the garden.
His desire to have a real and chosen relationship from us is His driving motivation or else why would He have given us the power to love and understand and discuss beyond the capabilities of the animals and even the angels? Because being chosen is the reward for giving us the option to choose. This means that we are not suffering terrible consequences from our broken moment in the garden. We are living out the God intended purpose of glory in relationship with Him and it is only our inability to see that that keeps us from enjoying fully a healing and restorative relationship with our Creator and Father.
I don't know about you but having this new thought makes the light in my room seem brighter and the fears of my day unsubstantial. And it makes smile because I know He told this to me so that would happen. So my joy would be increased. And I know He is pleased by my desire to know Him and by my choice to love Him. This is the perfect scenario.
Two of my favorite ministry tasks right now are writing this blog and teaching what we call at Soma, the story of God. It is a condensed version of the bible taught with the intention of causing dialogue creating a familiar relationship with the people and stories and person of God for each person in the group. That sounds official doesn't it? I just made it up. But, it is the purpose and the way in which my pastor is growing me and mentoring me into whatever God has next is by having me lead it. I am passionate about it because I am only now after ten years of loving Jesus, living in the truth and fullness that this book, this ancient text, is an operators manual and a love letter to me from The Creator of everything.
Next week I am going to share with you the powerful way in which God has used the Song of Songs as a love letter to me, but today I have to share with you an idea that came up yesterday during our story of God discussion.
We are on week three and that is the story of Cain and Abel. The first week is of the creation and the second is of the disruption, or the fall, and if you get too far into the story without going back over each of them they can easily become disjointed, individual stories instead of the history of one family, and of us. For me that has been a big reason that it's hard to read the bible. I have not understood the flow of stories and their places in time. The usual Sunday school fare are stories taken out of context and asked to stand on their own which leaves out understanding of the cause and effect throughout history and of the layer upon layer of care, provision, and redemption God has offered us from day one.
The conversation in our group has been interesting and deep and many questions have been asked and some answers have been uncovered. It is so exciting for me to lead people though discovery of of His love and adoration for us. It's a totally new way of leading for me, and it is totally based on the way God and Jesus both teach. They ask questions so that you have to think and as a result you own and can claim the answer. There is power in that like no other. Power enough to change your life. They have all gone away from the discussion asking more questions than we had time to discuss, and that has lead them to do some digging on their own. We have talked about the big questions, the ones that seemingly have no answers. Like, why did God put us here with Satan on the prowl? And why did He tempt us with the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? And why didn't Adam and Eve trust God and not eat the fruit? I have gone though this story before and heard some of the smartest teachers I know leave those questions unanswered. So I was shocked for my little group to put together something of an answer, and a satisfactory one at that.
We were discussing why they, meaning Cain, Adam, and Eve, didn't trust Him and applying that to our own lives. The comment then was the fact that Adam and Even had no reason not to trust God. Their lives had been perfect and in perfect union with their Creator. They had known no abuse or pain or doubt and still they didn't heed His warning. We all shared some of our areas that have caused us pain and that keep us from trusting God. Areas like not being modeled trust or being betrayed and finding it hard to trust again. But in the garden these things were not present. We have reasons not to trust, they had none. And still they didn't. Usually that is as far as that discussion gets. It's sometimes interesting, but a waste of time to speculate too much. But in that moment for me God began to draw connecting lines that explained more.
From even just the first little bit of the bible, the creation, the disruption, and Cain and Abel, we see that God is a relational God. That is one of things that is always discussed during these stories. He walks with Adam and Eve. He desires their company and comes looking for them in the cool of the day. He has a heartfelt conversation with Cain about his offering. So, if the angels were only created to praise and we were created in His image, He must have been desiring a more balanced connection, and that is reflected in His interactions with us.
At first He sets us up in the prefect environment. Everything provided and His attention included. But there is the deal of the tree... Why would He even tempt us to chose wrongly and ruin everything? My new thought was what if the garden was not the perfect scenario? What if it was just the perfect beginning, and knowing that if He gave us free will the pain of us choosing wrongly would be devastating, but having the option to chose and choosing rightly would bring even greater joy and satisfaction than even the pain of death could destroy.
God created us as His image bearers and in that we were given the power to choose. It seems that they chose wrong when they ate the fruit because it brought about so much pain and suffering to come. But what if the garden was not ideal for a relationship with God? It was beautiful and everything needed was there, but there was no need for choice. There was nothing that compelled us to chose Him. Nothing that caused us to desire and pursue a relationship with Him. That would never have been His reason for creating us. To live this perfect, clean, easy life with all of the power of free will just sitting idle. What if what we have now is the perfect set up? The garden of Eden was a womb experience and never intended to last forever, and this grand adventure of struggle and toil and victory and defeat was waiting to be lived once we were moved outside the protection of the Father in the garden.
His desire to have a real and chosen relationship from us is His driving motivation or else why would He have given us the power to love and understand and discuss beyond the capabilities of the animals and even the angels? Because being chosen is the reward for giving us the option to choose. This means that we are not suffering terrible consequences from our broken moment in the garden. We are living out the God intended purpose of glory in relationship with Him and it is only our inability to see that that keeps us from enjoying fully a healing and restorative relationship with our Creator and Father.
I don't know about you but having this new thought makes the light in my room seem brighter and the fears of my day unsubstantial. And it makes smile because I know He told this to me so that would happen. So my joy would be increased. And I know He is pleased by my desire to know Him and by my choice to love Him. This is the perfect scenario.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I am so tired! I feel like I have been going nonstop for weeks. I guess I have gotten used to having a lot of down time. I think I like it that way better and am pretty sure I am willing to give up the extra perks that I could afford if I gave it up.
I found out that my dear friend and accountability partner is having another baby. That is exciting. She and her husband already have the cutest baby boy. It's nice of them to keep adding beauty to the world.
My sweet Amy is keeping her lovely foster daughter for a few more months, and that is good news. We talked for a while the other day about how broken the system is and the ways we would like to change it. It seems to be more geared toward protecting the parents rights than the rights of child. I told her about my wanting to have a huge house where I adopt all of the kids between the ages of 13 and 18 and give them a family and find people to pay for them to got to college. Or maybe after I finish a book, I will pay for it. :)
We spent time in California with our family there. It was 100 degrees. Not my favorite. We don't see them very often so it was good to catch up. It seems that at a certain point in life situations don't change much. A job change here. A new husband there...
I have been working on the stuff my friends will use to teach at the Czech camp this year. I am not going, but still wanted to be as involved as possible. It's my first time doing work and not going. Not my favorite either. I love those people and hope I get to see them at some point this year. I just needed to be here and intentional with this summer.
My Stella Grace is growing like a weed. Or more like a flower really, she is so pretty. She is funny and smart and so easy to get along with. I am impressed with her every day. I was thinking the other day about how much she has changed and grown and that it would have been so sad to miss seeing it. To have been here for only small parts, and to be shocked at how much she had changed each time I saw her, would never have been ok with me. I am so blessed to know her the way I do. And so blessed that my sister is willing to share her with me.
Jen is a full time artist now. She has us booked through the fall shooting weddings. I am being her second shooter, another reason for no Czech trip this year. I really want to help her get this thing off of the ground, and besides it is so fun working with her, and the money ain't bad either. :)
I am teaching a small group once a week here at the house. It is the best thing I know how to do and the one thing that makes me fully alive. Last week we not only got to have really great discussion about the bible, but we got to spend over an hour praying Frontline hot seat style. It was so powerful it made me realize that I have to learn how to prepare for that kind of thing better and how to recharge after.
I spent the 4th at my friend's house eating steak and corn on the cob. Then I watched the big fireworks show from my bathroom window. I giggled thinking how those things must look from heaven. I felt grateful for this amazing place we call home and the history of how it got to be here. When the show was over I could hear the several thousand people cheering from down the hill. I thought you gotta love that God. We are so creative and happy right now. It was beautiful.
I have not been writing my stuff for a few weeks being busy with travel and Czech stuff. I really miss it. I'm almost done with a children's story so I think I'll try and finish that this week. I was thinking about C.S. Lewis and how most people only read his fantasy stuff. His Christian teachings are some of the most wonderful things ever written on the subject. In my opinion. Makes me wonder.
I am reading several books given to me by my pastor. They are interesting and such a blessing. So many people are sewing into my life right now. It's impossible to believe. I am feeling more free and enjoying the day to day journey like I never have before. That my friends... is what is at the end of the rainbow.
Love you all.
j-
I found out that my dear friend and accountability partner is having another baby. That is exciting. She and her husband already have the cutest baby boy. It's nice of them to keep adding beauty to the world.
My sweet Amy is keeping her lovely foster daughter for a few more months, and that is good news. We talked for a while the other day about how broken the system is and the ways we would like to change it. It seems to be more geared toward protecting the parents rights than the rights of child. I told her about my wanting to have a huge house where I adopt all of the kids between the ages of 13 and 18 and give them a family and find people to pay for them to got to college. Or maybe after I finish a book, I will pay for it. :)
We spent time in California with our family there. It was 100 degrees. Not my favorite. We don't see them very often so it was good to catch up. It seems that at a certain point in life situations don't change much. A job change here. A new husband there...
I have been working on the stuff my friends will use to teach at the Czech camp this year. I am not going, but still wanted to be as involved as possible. It's my first time doing work and not going. Not my favorite either. I love those people and hope I get to see them at some point this year. I just needed to be here and intentional with this summer.
My Stella Grace is growing like a weed. Or more like a flower really, she is so pretty. She is funny and smart and so easy to get along with. I am impressed with her every day. I was thinking the other day about how much she has changed and grown and that it would have been so sad to miss seeing it. To have been here for only small parts, and to be shocked at how much she had changed each time I saw her, would never have been ok with me. I am so blessed to know her the way I do. And so blessed that my sister is willing to share her with me.
Jen is a full time artist now. She has us booked through the fall shooting weddings. I am being her second shooter, another reason for no Czech trip this year. I really want to help her get this thing off of the ground, and besides it is so fun working with her, and the money ain't bad either. :)
I am teaching a small group once a week here at the house. It is the best thing I know how to do and the one thing that makes me fully alive. Last week we not only got to have really great discussion about the bible, but we got to spend over an hour praying Frontline hot seat style. It was so powerful it made me realize that I have to learn how to prepare for that kind of thing better and how to recharge after.
I spent the 4th at my friend's house eating steak and corn on the cob. Then I watched the big fireworks show from my bathroom window. I giggled thinking how those things must look from heaven. I felt grateful for this amazing place we call home and the history of how it got to be here. When the show was over I could hear the several thousand people cheering from down the hill. I thought you gotta love that God. We are so creative and happy right now. It was beautiful.
I have not been writing my stuff for a few weeks being busy with travel and Czech stuff. I really miss it. I'm almost done with a children's story so I think I'll try and finish that this week. I was thinking about C.S. Lewis and how most people only read his fantasy stuff. His Christian teachings are some of the most wonderful things ever written on the subject. In my opinion. Makes me wonder.
I am reading several books given to me by my pastor. They are interesting and such a blessing. So many people are sewing into my life right now. It's impossible to believe. I am feeling more free and enjoying the day to day journey like I never have before. That my friends... is what is at the end of the rainbow.
Love you all.
j-
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
So many things going on in my life creating so many things to think and pray about, but today I am just wondering what it is that we want to hear?
I have come to see that there are only a certain number of possible options for the human experience. We each have our own specific details, sometimes, but the themes of experiences and reactions are limited.
This is reflected most obviously in the fact that a document with pieces written 2000 years ago can still have very applicable lessons in our lives today.
So why then when someone says, "I know how you feel." Or, "I understand what you are going through." Why is that so hard to believe?
Maybe if we didn't feel so separate and individual... Society has built us, for several decades, to come to rely on ways of communicating that don't involve face time. We are taught to look out for number one. And this part of the country I am in is totally dedicated to the desires and ideas of the individual. There are men who are not gay and do not live with their mom and are over 35 and have never been married. They are married to their bike or their climbing gear or their passion for music. Not that having things you love isn't important to making life rich, but when things have not only replaced God as idols in our lives, but have also taken precedent over relationships with people, well maybe that is why we find it so hard to ask for and receive help and love. We have dismantled the fiber of community and we can no longer let ourselves ,or get ourselves, to believe that our experience is in now way unique to us.
I have a friend who is going though something that I walked through about 6 years ago. She is reacting the same way I did. I can feel the anxious energy and see the desired, hopeful outcome. And I know when I say to her that I know where she is and how it feels, it means nothing. She does not believe that we are alike, or I used to be like that, and therefore feels very alone and doesn't even realize it.
Now many things can stand in the way of offering this kind of advice. If your heart and motives are not pure you sound judgmental or condescending. But in this instance I just really want her to know how it works out in the end. If she would let me I could give her a glimpse of the future and it would relieve some of the stress and panic, I think.
I know I never allowed people to speak like that into my life. Another way she and I are alike.
So that is my question. What do we want to hear if it's not something that can let us know that we are not alone, and do not have to figure this out because it has already been done. And been done MANY times.
And if we can't hear it from each other, maybe that is a reason why so many people who claim to trust God don't have lives that prove that. By living in strife and confusion and shame and guilt, having the divinely inspired word right in their face, says that this Christianity thing just doesn't work. And that is a lie.
If we learn to see ourselves as part of something so much bigger our ego does take a hit, but our relationship with the one who created everything can then move from head knowledge to heart knowledge and out lives start to reflect the truth that God is real and mighty to save.
Feeling very much a part of my community on Sunday morning I was able to hear God speak through a song that made my freedom even more real than the day before. It said, "All her sins were cast on Me, so she must and shall go free." As I took that personally, I closed my eyes and my ears seemed to filter all others singing out but one man. I know this man and his heart for God and his respect for women and his love for his wife, and in that moment he was Jesus for me confirming that it's not only possible or an option, but that because of what He did, I MUST and SHALL go FREE!
That is what I needed to hear. That Jesus had been there, my brother had been there, my savior had been there, and by what He chose to do I am going to be completely free.
Maybe that's the answer. To not compare my life with hers, but to just remind her of His love for her. And as God showed me on Sunday, we do that by being Jesus for one another. Just like that moment during the song. As part of a community that man allowed himself to be Jesus for me by singing out loudly, and feeling safe and a part of the community I received that.
Now I am going to close this laptop where I can spend all day doing very productive things and go be Jesus for my friend who needs some help around her house. Who can you be Jesus for today?
I have come to see that there are only a certain number of possible options for the human experience. We each have our own specific details, sometimes, but the themes of experiences and reactions are limited.
This is reflected most obviously in the fact that a document with pieces written 2000 years ago can still have very applicable lessons in our lives today.
So why then when someone says, "I know how you feel." Or, "I understand what you are going through." Why is that so hard to believe?
Maybe if we didn't feel so separate and individual... Society has built us, for several decades, to come to rely on ways of communicating that don't involve face time. We are taught to look out for number one. And this part of the country I am in is totally dedicated to the desires and ideas of the individual. There are men who are not gay and do not live with their mom and are over 35 and have never been married. They are married to their bike or their climbing gear or their passion for music. Not that having things you love isn't important to making life rich, but when things have not only replaced God as idols in our lives, but have also taken precedent over relationships with people, well maybe that is why we find it so hard to ask for and receive help and love. We have dismantled the fiber of community and we can no longer let ourselves ,or get ourselves, to believe that our experience is in now way unique to us.
I have a friend who is going though something that I walked through about 6 years ago. She is reacting the same way I did. I can feel the anxious energy and see the desired, hopeful outcome. And I know when I say to her that I know where she is and how it feels, it means nothing. She does not believe that we are alike, or I used to be like that, and therefore feels very alone and doesn't even realize it.
Now many things can stand in the way of offering this kind of advice. If your heart and motives are not pure you sound judgmental or condescending. But in this instance I just really want her to know how it works out in the end. If she would let me I could give her a glimpse of the future and it would relieve some of the stress and panic, I think.
I know I never allowed people to speak like that into my life. Another way she and I are alike.
So that is my question. What do we want to hear if it's not something that can let us know that we are not alone, and do not have to figure this out because it has already been done. And been done MANY times.
And if we can't hear it from each other, maybe that is a reason why so many people who claim to trust God don't have lives that prove that. By living in strife and confusion and shame and guilt, having the divinely inspired word right in their face, says that this Christianity thing just doesn't work. And that is a lie.
If we learn to see ourselves as part of something so much bigger our ego does take a hit, but our relationship with the one who created everything can then move from head knowledge to heart knowledge and out lives start to reflect the truth that God is real and mighty to save.
Feeling very much a part of my community on Sunday morning I was able to hear God speak through a song that made my freedom even more real than the day before. It said, "All her sins were cast on Me, so she must and shall go free." As I took that personally, I closed my eyes and my ears seemed to filter all others singing out but one man. I know this man and his heart for God and his respect for women and his love for his wife, and in that moment he was Jesus for me confirming that it's not only possible or an option, but that because of what He did, I MUST and SHALL go FREE!
That is what I needed to hear. That Jesus had been there, my brother had been there, my savior had been there, and by what He chose to do I am going to be completely free.
Maybe that's the answer. To not compare my life with hers, but to just remind her of His love for her. And as God showed me on Sunday, we do that by being Jesus for one another. Just like that moment during the song. As part of a community that man allowed himself to be Jesus for me by singing out loudly, and feeling safe and a part of the community I received that.
Now I am going to close this laptop where I can spend all day doing very productive things and go be Jesus for my friend who needs some help around her house. Who can you be Jesus for today?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I started doing this very responsible thing in honor of being committed and faithful with this blog idea. I was even encouraged by a friend of mine to focus on this avenue of writing which confirmed for me what I had been feeling about it. So with new intention in mind I started to keep notes on things I wanted to write about and then instead of going with whatever was on my mind at the moment I have been going back and digging deeper into things that had been percolating for a while. This seemed not only an easier way, but a better way to make sure my thoughts were fully processed, and it has kept me writing each week because I don't have to try and come up with something on the spot.
But... today I have to share something I learned yesterday. It is such an overwhelming truth that I hope every single person in the world reads it.
I was meeting with Abe, my pastor/mentor/teacher/small group leader. And yes, his life reflects that he wears all of those hats in that he is super busy. We talked about a lot of things that concern our small group and our church. We also talked about how I am feeling about being a woman, and a single one at that, who is called to teach and pastor.
In my life, being a woman has been something that I have been ashamed of. First as a part of a world where "you throw like a girl" is an insult. Second by being raised in a religious environment that does not know that women are God's most beautiful creation with all of the gifts and inheritance afforded to men. And third because we have accepted the absurd notion that all women are supposed to look similar in shape to be considered valued and desired.
These things have caused in me not only a war against who I was created to be, but also a shame based way of thinking about myself.
Abe told me he believes, and I agree, that there are 3 voices that can contribute to the negative tapes of self hate. The voice of the flesh, the voice of the devil, and the voice of the world.
Here is the part that knocked the wind out of me yesterday.
He said that he read in a John Eldridge book the idea that as we hear each of those voices reminding us of lies we believe about ourselves like, you are stupid, or fat, or boring, and the corresponding feeling begins to surface of shame, or fear, or guilt, that as the tape plays, others hear it and respond to it. The idea is that while I am hearing those things and believing them, another person who I am interacting with can hear those things also and start to believe them about me and react as if they are true. For example I feel like I am being overlooked because I am a woman. During a conversation with Abe he begins to think that he can't give me a certain responsibility because I am a woman. In essence agreeing with me about my own negative self talk. In the world it is called self fulfilling prophecy or manifestation of negative self talk, but that makes it all about, and all up to, us. This idea, like all of Jesus' ideas, makes us responsible for and to each other. If while I am talking with a friend of mine and I find myself thinking, "Man you really are not smart," then I get the opportunity to stop and realize they already feel that way about themselves and I am hearing their inner evil voice tear them apart from the inside out.
OH MY GOD! The weight and responsibility of that set heavily on me as the awareness of whom I had done that exact thing with came to mind. I had agreed with their hate filled inner voice and thought and acted on it! OH MY GOD! Heartbreaking! And encouraging to know that I can stop that from effecting others; and that when I leave those voices of mine behind for good, well it will be different I am sure.
My friend Dani reminded me, after I shared this with her, that we are told to pray for more gifts of the spirit. Those of you that have a mercy gift may not find yourself being judgmental or critical as often, but those of us who don't share in that naturally, need more grace and kindness. I have prayed for that, and now have another thread woven ever so precisely into the fabric I call my life. All of the sudden it is a carpet of flowers in soft, pastel colors and thick, deep pile that makes for a safe place to land. For me, and for you.
But... today I have to share something I learned yesterday. It is such an overwhelming truth that I hope every single person in the world reads it.
I was meeting with Abe, my pastor/mentor/teacher/small group leader. And yes, his life reflects that he wears all of those hats in that he is super busy. We talked about a lot of things that concern our small group and our church. We also talked about how I am feeling about being a woman, and a single one at that, who is called to teach and pastor.
In my life, being a woman has been something that I have been ashamed of. First as a part of a world where "you throw like a girl" is an insult. Second by being raised in a religious environment that does not know that women are God's most beautiful creation with all of the gifts and inheritance afforded to men. And third because we have accepted the absurd notion that all women are supposed to look similar in shape to be considered valued and desired.
These things have caused in me not only a war against who I was created to be, but also a shame based way of thinking about myself.
Abe told me he believes, and I agree, that there are 3 voices that can contribute to the negative tapes of self hate. The voice of the flesh, the voice of the devil, and the voice of the world.
Here is the part that knocked the wind out of me yesterday.
He said that he read in a John Eldridge book the idea that as we hear each of those voices reminding us of lies we believe about ourselves like, you are stupid, or fat, or boring, and the corresponding feeling begins to surface of shame, or fear, or guilt, that as the tape plays, others hear it and respond to it. The idea is that while I am hearing those things and believing them, another person who I am interacting with can hear those things also and start to believe them about me and react as if they are true. For example I feel like I am being overlooked because I am a woman. During a conversation with Abe he begins to think that he can't give me a certain responsibility because I am a woman. In essence agreeing with me about my own negative self talk. In the world it is called self fulfilling prophecy or manifestation of negative self talk, but that makes it all about, and all up to, us. This idea, like all of Jesus' ideas, makes us responsible for and to each other. If while I am talking with a friend of mine and I find myself thinking, "Man you really are not smart," then I get the opportunity to stop and realize they already feel that way about themselves and I am hearing their inner evil voice tear them apart from the inside out.
OH MY GOD! The weight and responsibility of that set heavily on me as the awareness of whom I had done that exact thing with came to mind. I had agreed with their hate filled inner voice and thought and acted on it! OH MY GOD! Heartbreaking! And encouraging to know that I can stop that from effecting others; and that when I leave those voices of mine behind for good, well it will be different I am sure.
My friend Dani reminded me, after I shared this with her, that we are told to pray for more gifts of the spirit. Those of you that have a mercy gift may not find yourself being judgmental or critical as often, but those of us who don't share in that naturally, need more grace and kindness. I have prayed for that, and now have another thread woven ever so precisely into the fabric I call my life. All of the sudden it is a carpet of flowers in soft, pastel colors and thick, deep pile that makes for a safe place to land. For me, and for you.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Something interesting came up during Soma school while we were discussing the story of Noah. The story goes that after Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden, and there were many, many people on the earth, all of the people were out of control and were full of selfishness and violence. It was so bad that it caused God to regret even making us. I wonder how often He has felt that way since then, but has to be reminded of His promise no to kill us all. I can see Jesus and some of the angels getting together for coffee and talking about how they have to go to Him again and remind Him of the promise He made to Noah, maybe Noah is even there. Michael would be like, "Hey Jesus, I know it keeps coming up, but You guys seem especially angry today..." And Gabriel would jump in and say, "And it's true, they are despicable, but did you see that today Amy opened her home to a foster baby, and it's Tula Banks' first day on earth!" Then they would all vote to send Noah into see God, because well, it had worked before.
But the first time it happened, everyone was doing evil, and God saw that only Noah was blameless. Now if everyone was doing what was good in their own eyes, then how is Noah blameless? It doesn't say everyone except Noah. It says everyone was sinful, but one, Noah, was blameless. So somehow Noah, while still being sinful, was also blameless.
I have had trouble, because of my past, accepting this new creation I was supposed to have become after deciding to follow Jesus. It is said that you become that new person immediately, but it is obvious that to actually live as that person there is a time of healing and learning that has to come first. And even as I have learned and healed, I still knew that I was always going to be making wrong choices and doing things that were only good in my eyes. So it never made sense as to how I could be sinful and yet a blameless new creation. Until that day at Soma when someone pointed out that what had made Noah different, even though he was sinful and obviously being included in the 'all of the people were filled with evil day and night,' was the fact that he had a close relationship with God.
The conversation led to the fact that what makes a close relationship with God, and the only thing that made Noah worth saving, was his heart posture. He believed in God and his heart was one of obedience and trust.
I couldn't believe how all of the sudden it seemed so clear to me how we are able to be a new creation in Jesus, and still be our flawed, human selves. With Noah as our example we can see how as Christians, all of the works and deeds of good can not bring us one bit closer to God, and even though our love of Him is not always reflected in our lives through our choices and our voices, that what God wants is for our heart to be listening only to Him, and for us to be obedient to the things we hear.
I wonder if God questioned if Noah would build the ark? I know that He knows all things, but He did give us free will and it was quite a task God asked him to do. I can't even imagine the level of faith and trust Noah had, that pleased God so much that He chose him of all the people to save. And to know and hear God's voice in such a familiar way that when God said I'm going to kill everyone except you and your family, and I need you to build this giant boat so I can do it, Noah's response was to do it.
I love that. I love that they knew each other that way. Intimately. And that even though Noah was sinful, remember even after God saves them from the flood and everyone else is dead, Noah gets drunk and naked, his heart was open to and filled by the Creator. They had a close relationship.
In the next few moments God opened my eyes to what was keeping me from having that kind of relationship with Him, and it didn't have anything to do with what I was or was not doing. I was unable to live as the new creation He had made me to be almost 10 years ago because my heart posture was that of a grumbler. My sad, little wounded heart had grumbled and complained for so long that I was unable to see it clearly as a heart issue. Until that day. And immediately I asked Him to forgive me for allowing anger and bitterness to be my heart posture, and just as immediately did His forgiveness fill me with a sense of ease I didn't have before.
It has been several weeks since that day and I did not do any striving or working to live more fully as this new creation, God just simply gave me new eyes to see and the trust to let it go.
Many more things have come of this as you could imagine. And when He tells me to, I will share them with you. But next week I am going to share with you a new revelation I had, again at Soma school, when for the third time in a month I heard the story of the prodigal son. As they say, the third time is a charm, and for me it certainly was.
But the first time it happened, everyone was doing evil, and God saw that only Noah was blameless. Now if everyone was doing what was good in their own eyes, then how is Noah blameless? It doesn't say everyone except Noah. It says everyone was sinful, but one, Noah, was blameless. So somehow Noah, while still being sinful, was also blameless.
I have had trouble, because of my past, accepting this new creation I was supposed to have become after deciding to follow Jesus. It is said that you become that new person immediately, but it is obvious that to actually live as that person there is a time of healing and learning that has to come first. And even as I have learned and healed, I still knew that I was always going to be making wrong choices and doing things that were only good in my eyes. So it never made sense as to how I could be sinful and yet a blameless new creation. Until that day at Soma when someone pointed out that what had made Noah different, even though he was sinful and obviously being included in the 'all of the people were filled with evil day and night,' was the fact that he had a close relationship with God.
The conversation led to the fact that what makes a close relationship with God, and the only thing that made Noah worth saving, was his heart posture. He believed in God and his heart was one of obedience and trust.
I couldn't believe how all of the sudden it seemed so clear to me how we are able to be a new creation in Jesus, and still be our flawed, human selves. With Noah as our example we can see how as Christians, all of the works and deeds of good can not bring us one bit closer to God, and even though our love of Him is not always reflected in our lives through our choices and our voices, that what God wants is for our heart to be listening only to Him, and for us to be obedient to the things we hear.
I wonder if God questioned if Noah would build the ark? I know that He knows all things, but He did give us free will and it was quite a task God asked him to do. I can't even imagine the level of faith and trust Noah had, that pleased God so much that He chose him of all the people to save. And to know and hear God's voice in such a familiar way that when God said I'm going to kill everyone except you and your family, and I need you to build this giant boat so I can do it, Noah's response was to do it.
I love that. I love that they knew each other that way. Intimately. And that even though Noah was sinful, remember even after God saves them from the flood and everyone else is dead, Noah gets drunk and naked, his heart was open to and filled by the Creator. They had a close relationship.
In the next few moments God opened my eyes to what was keeping me from having that kind of relationship with Him, and it didn't have anything to do with what I was or was not doing. I was unable to live as the new creation He had made me to be almost 10 years ago because my heart posture was that of a grumbler. My sad, little wounded heart had grumbled and complained for so long that I was unable to see it clearly as a heart issue. Until that day. And immediately I asked Him to forgive me for allowing anger and bitterness to be my heart posture, and just as immediately did His forgiveness fill me with a sense of ease I didn't have before.
It has been several weeks since that day and I did not do any striving or working to live more fully as this new creation, God just simply gave me new eyes to see and the trust to let it go.
Many more things have come of this as you could imagine. And when He tells me to, I will share them with you. But next week I am going to share with you a new revelation I had, again at Soma school, when for the third time in a month I heard the story of the prodigal son. As they say, the third time is a charm, and for me it certainly was.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
For all intents and purposes.
Morning talk shows for women are awful! I was watching during my breakfast this morning. Flipping back and forth between The View and the Today show with Kathy Lee and Hobua. It felt like chaos with all of those voices going on and on at the same time, and there seemed to be this kind of frantic energy that made me want to turn it off. I fear that that energy is comforting to so many women, and why they watch that stuff, because it is the state most of us find ourselves living in. A sort of controlled chaos.
That in itself confirmed in me the things God is teaching me about being a woman, and the need for it to be taught to others, but before I turned the madness off they said something else that literally shouted, because they all seem to be talking at top volume, confirmation about something I realized at Soma school.
It was the Today show and they were talking about a study done over the last 20+ years in which women were asked questions that gaged their happiness. The findings from the most recent test showed that women are less happy today than they were before the women's liberation movement of the 1970s.
Now I have personally felt this was true for many years having lived through it as a child. A child who was given a green ERA button to wear by her mother and who's father promptly removed it from my shirt and threw it away. I think it started out with good intentions because, of course if a man and a woman are equally qualified and doing the same job, then they get the same pay. Duh. But at some point it went beyond trying to make us equal to men and has in many ways turned us into men. Teaching us that we have to 'have it all' implying that we don't have it all no matter what we have chosen or been given.
It is no longer adequate to raise you kids and provide a home, you have to fill all of your moments with either a job or endless activities or both. And God forbid that you are still single, you have to create such a circus of activity to not only prove that you are at least making something of your life, but you also have to prove your worth as a woman having entered obvious spinsterhood by the ancient age of 27.
It has led to a disconnect as to how to be a woman, even sometimes the desire to be one. It has emasculated men by confusing their roles as provider and protector, even to the point of it being a distasteful idea to need either of those things.
It has left women exhausted and empty and confused and desperate.
During my last visit to OKC I was blessed to hear several teachings by my pastor Josh Kouri. On Easter Sunday, after he had commissioned and confirmed my mission in Tacoma, he spoke about intentionality. Doing all things with intent, or on purpose. It gave me great clarity and joy to see so
clearly how that applied to this next season of my life.
Part of that intentionality led me to attend Soma school. Several days into it I found myself so captivated by the vision, that it was truly overwhelming to then have God begin to piece together my purpose there, and to actually show me how I was going to get to be involved. He pulled pieces from all parts of my past began to weave big sections of the tapestry of my life together for the first time.
While I was soaking in this joy of getting to do not only what God has created me to do, but what after years of seeking and listening and growing, I now knew I wanted to do, I realized...
that I would not only be ok if I never got married, but I might even choose, with intent, God over marriage.
I know saying it out loud frightens some of you. But my thinking is that if I really get to do this, if I really do get to teach and to write about who He is and what that means for us as His kids, then I would be so fulfilled and excited that I would want to be able to devote all of myself and my time to Him.
Like I might actually refuse to partake in the great gift of the marriage relationship, knowing that it would be wonderful, but it would never meet all of my needs and desires the way a life sold out to God would. (Now watch, I will have dudes knocking down my door tomorrow. :))
And not that you can't do both, but to avoid becoming overwhelmed and exhausted, I might consider choosing God only.
What was amazing to me was that I actually meant this. After years of hoping to be married again someday I could see that with intention I could choose. God has given us each the power that makes us like Him, and that is the power of our will. For every person, married, single, kids, no kids, stay at home, out of the home, whatever label we have chosen, it only becomes overwhelming if we let it limit us by making us feel like we have to do it all. If instead we are simply, and grandly, children of the King, then we can freely choose to do, and not to do, things that are set before us. And most of those things are good things.
It's not hard to chose not to eat mud pies. It is hard to find a place to leave your child/children so you can take an hour to have coffee with your girlfriend. It's not hard to chose not to stick your hand in an open flame (this only applies to women as men seem to have trouble with this around campfires). It is hard to say no to heading up the children's ministry at church. It's not hard to keep from poking your eye out with a pencil (again possibly for women only). It is hard to chose fruit instead of cake.
This idea applies to all the areas of our lives that when added together equal overwhelmed and exhausted. And there are many reasons we chose wrongly, and many layers to those reasons.
So for today let's just confess that we are confused by the noise and overwhelmed by the pressure and call on the name of God the creator of all things.
Let's ask Him to not only make us aware of the ways in which we can clear the clutter with intention and choice, but to supernaturally provide clarity and time to act.
May you find joy in your relationship with The Father and purpose in your mundane duties and peace in knowing that you are His most beautiful creation.
That in itself confirmed in me the things God is teaching me about being a woman, and the need for it to be taught to others, but before I turned the madness off they said something else that literally shouted, because they all seem to be talking at top volume, confirmation about something I realized at Soma school.
It was the Today show and they were talking about a study done over the last 20+ years in which women were asked questions that gaged their happiness. The findings from the most recent test showed that women are less happy today than they were before the women's liberation movement of the 1970s.
Now I have personally felt this was true for many years having lived through it as a child. A child who was given a green ERA button to wear by her mother and who's father promptly removed it from my shirt and threw it away. I think it started out with good intentions because, of course if a man and a woman are equally qualified and doing the same job, then they get the same pay. Duh. But at some point it went beyond trying to make us equal to men and has in many ways turned us into men. Teaching us that we have to 'have it all' implying that we don't have it all no matter what we have chosen or been given.
It is no longer adequate to raise you kids and provide a home, you have to fill all of your moments with either a job or endless activities or both. And God forbid that you are still single, you have to create such a circus of activity to not only prove that you are at least making something of your life, but you also have to prove your worth as a woman having entered obvious spinsterhood by the ancient age of 27.
It has led to a disconnect as to how to be a woman, even sometimes the desire to be one. It has emasculated men by confusing their roles as provider and protector, even to the point of it being a distasteful idea to need either of those things.
It has left women exhausted and empty and confused and desperate.
During my last visit to OKC I was blessed to hear several teachings by my pastor Josh Kouri. On Easter Sunday, after he had commissioned and confirmed my mission in Tacoma, he spoke about intentionality. Doing all things with intent, or on purpose. It gave me great clarity and joy to see so
clearly how that applied to this next season of my life.
Part of that intentionality led me to attend Soma school. Several days into it I found myself so captivated by the vision, that it was truly overwhelming to then have God begin to piece together my purpose there, and to actually show me how I was going to get to be involved. He pulled pieces from all parts of my past began to weave big sections of the tapestry of my life together for the first time.
While I was soaking in this joy of getting to do not only what God has created me to do, but what after years of seeking and listening and growing, I now knew I wanted to do, I realized...
that I would not only be ok if I never got married, but I might even choose, with intent, God over marriage.
I know saying it out loud frightens some of you. But my thinking is that if I really get to do this, if I really do get to teach and to write about who He is and what that means for us as His kids, then I would be so fulfilled and excited that I would want to be able to devote all of myself and my time to Him.
Like I might actually refuse to partake in the great gift of the marriage relationship, knowing that it would be wonderful, but it would never meet all of my needs and desires the way a life sold out to God would. (Now watch, I will have dudes knocking down my door tomorrow. :))
And not that you can't do both, but to avoid becoming overwhelmed and exhausted, I might consider choosing God only.
What was amazing to me was that I actually meant this. After years of hoping to be married again someday I could see that with intention I could choose. God has given us each the power that makes us like Him, and that is the power of our will. For every person, married, single, kids, no kids, stay at home, out of the home, whatever label we have chosen, it only becomes overwhelming if we let it limit us by making us feel like we have to do it all. If instead we are simply, and grandly, children of the King, then we can freely choose to do, and not to do, things that are set before us. And most of those things are good things.
It's not hard to chose not to eat mud pies. It is hard to find a place to leave your child/children so you can take an hour to have coffee with your girlfriend. It's not hard to chose not to stick your hand in an open flame (this only applies to women as men seem to have trouble with this around campfires). It is hard to say no to heading up the children's ministry at church. It's not hard to keep from poking your eye out with a pencil (again possibly for women only). It is hard to chose fruit instead of cake.
This idea applies to all the areas of our lives that when added together equal overwhelmed and exhausted. And there are many reasons we chose wrongly, and many layers to those reasons.
So for today let's just confess that we are confused by the noise and overwhelmed by the pressure and call on the name of God the creator of all things.
Let's ask Him to not only make us aware of the ways in which we can clear the clutter with intention and choice, but to supernaturally provide clarity and time to act.
May you find joy in your relationship with The Father and purpose in your mundane duties and peace in knowing that you are His most beautiful creation.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Special posting for Leann and all of us who know hurt.
After choosing to believe that God was real I dug in deep. I went to church 3 times a week, I sold all of my ‘secular’ CDs (which I still regret to this day), and I started my own bible study searching out the character of God. It is that last one I’m thinking about today. Well I am always thinking about my forever lost trance CD I got in Amsterdam, but that never nagged at my soul the way the character study of God did.
I fell head over heels in love with this Guy. I had been heart broken by my divorce, addicted to many things including the approval of people, and didn’t even have kids or a college degree at 30! When I read how loving and caring and forgiving God was, well at first I just wanted to know Him better.
A funny thing happened though. As I read more and more about how great and powerful He was I began to feel resentful and neglected. I could not understand why He, who claimed to love me so much that He sent His Son to die, could let all of these awful things happen to me. I knew that all of the things that happened as adult I was partially responsible for. But the abuse I suffered as a child, I was blameless in that, and He let it happen.
Why would He do that? How could He allow that? If He is who the bible says He is then He could have protected me by stopping those things before they happened! And it would have spared me, possibly, most of the hurt I caused for myself! They kept telling me at church that He loved me and that when I loved Him in return I was forgiven, a new creation. I did not feel like a new creation. I felt like the same old beat up mess, only now I had someone to blame.
That new creation bit for those of us with painful pasts is hard to wrap our minds around, and we often feel undeserving of any good in our lives. Those of you who met Jesus as children sometimes do not have trouble with this idea. You all seem to get into trouble with the idea that because you have ‘been good’ then life should be pretty good to you, taking a tone of entitlement in a way. Whatever your past choices, suffering comes to us all, and if we are finding ourselves unworthy because of our past or confused because we thought we deserve better because of our past, we often find hopelessness. We all need to be reminded, especially in the hard times, that He indeed does love us, and that we are totally unworthy of that love. And yet we get it anyway. Everyday. Forever. The fact is that whenever you go to ‘why me?’ you are claiming that you somehow deserve better. And you do. But not because you have done anything that merits it. Simply because He created us in His image. That is all. We are His creation and His greatest love. We can do nothing to increase or decrease that love. Love offered unconditionally regardless of your wrong choices, and your right choices.
Usually after you surrender to hopelessness you find the victim mentality waiting for you at every turn; lurking around in the dark corners of your mind playing old tapes of regret and blame. The truth is God will not protect us from all of the sin in the world. He was removed from that authority the moment Adam and Eve chose to question who they were as image bearers of God. The truth is that God could have changed your circumstances and He didn't, but He is not to blame. The sin of the human heart is responsible for all it. And that means that whatever the details of your specific hurt, as a part of the human race you are not a victim, but are responsible for it. Thankfully as a child of God you are given the tools to overcome it. Any road out of hurt is a hard one. And most often, a long one, but there is an inherent tie to the gracious God of all creation that if given the chance will move you forward step by healing step into a greater freedom than you ever dreamed possible. All you have to do is chose to let Him lead you every single day. With the pain of healing comes freedom for the soul.
But don’t take my word for it. Read any story in the bible and ask God to show you His redemptive theme. He is all about redeeming what was lost, even the times when we were not protected, and especially our hope.
Press in and press on. Long suffering is not easily learned and is a place that satan is perched and waiting to kill you. he wants nothing more than to lock you in the prison of living like a helpless victim, and leave you hopeless and doubting who you are as the image bearer of God. It is his original lie and it still kills God's children all of the time.
I pray for strength in Him and supernatural healing for you. May you see Him for who He is, your Daddy.
I fell head over heels in love with this Guy. I had been heart broken by my divorce, addicted to many things including the approval of people, and didn’t even have kids or a college degree at 30! When I read how loving and caring and forgiving God was, well at first I just wanted to know Him better.
A funny thing happened though. As I read more and more about how great and powerful He was I began to feel resentful and neglected. I could not understand why He, who claimed to love me so much that He sent His Son to die, could let all of these awful things happen to me. I knew that all of the things that happened as adult I was partially responsible for. But the abuse I suffered as a child, I was blameless in that, and He let it happen.
Why would He do that? How could He allow that? If He is who the bible says He is then He could have protected me by stopping those things before they happened! And it would have spared me, possibly, most of the hurt I caused for myself! They kept telling me at church that He loved me and that when I loved Him in return I was forgiven, a new creation. I did not feel like a new creation. I felt like the same old beat up mess, only now I had someone to blame.
That new creation bit for those of us with painful pasts is hard to wrap our minds around, and we often feel undeserving of any good in our lives. Those of you who met Jesus as children sometimes do not have trouble with this idea. You all seem to get into trouble with the idea that because you have ‘been good’ then life should be pretty good to you, taking a tone of entitlement in a way. Whatever your past choices, suffering comes to us all, and if we are finding ourselves unworthy because of our past or confused because we thought we deserve better because of our past, we often find hopelessness. We all need to be reminded, especially in the hard times, that He indeed does love us, and that we are totally unworthy of that love. And yet we get it anyway. Everyday. Forever. The fact is that whenever you go to ‘why me?’ you are claiming that you somehow deserve better. And you do. But not because you have done anything that merits it. Simply because He created us in His image. That is all. We are His creation and His greatest love. We can do nothing to increase or decrease that love. Love offered unconditionally regardless of your wrong choices, and your right choices.
Usually after you surrender to hopelessness you find the victim mentality waiting for you at every turn; lurking around in the dark corners of your mind playing old tapes of regret and blame. The truth is God will not protect us from all of the sin in the world. He was removed from that authority the moment Adam and Eve chose to question who they were as image bearers of God. The truth is that God could have changed your circumstances and He didn't, but He is not to blame. The sin of the human heart is responsible for all it. And that means that whatever the details of your specific hurt, as a part of the human race you are not a victim, but are responsible for it. Thankfully as a child of God you are given the tools to overcome it. Any road out of hurt is a hard one. And most often, a long one, but there is an inherent tie to the gracious God of all creation that if given the chance will move you forward step by healing step into a greater freedom than you ever dreamed possible. All you have to do is chose to let Him lead you every single day. With the pain of healing comes freedom for the soul.
But don’t take my word for it. Read any story in the bible and ask God to show you His redemptive theme. He is all about redeeming what was lost, even the times when we were not protected, and especially our hope.
Press in and press on. Long suffering is not easily learned and is a place that satan is perched and waiting to kill you. he wants nothing more than to lock you in the prison of living like a helpless victim, and leave you hopeless and doubting who you are as the image bearer of God. It is his original lie and it still kills God's children all of the time.
I pray for strength in Him and supernatural healing for you. May you see Him for who He is, your Daddy.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I spent last week at school. I love school. I love learning new things and challenging old ideas. This school was put on by my church, SOMA. It's called SOMA school, go figure, and it started because the elders of the church, after having moved here for the Midwest (sounds familiar) were finding that their friends from around the world were interested in the way they had begun to do things here in Tacoma. It got to the point that so many people wanted to learn, and they couldn't keep doing it one on one, so they created SOMA school.
I cannot tell you how much it has changed me and challenged me and made me feel almost embarrassed that God loves me so much that I get to live here and live out this mission with a front row seat and individual face time with the elders and leaders, and their wives, which I must say are some of the most amazing women I have met here.
This SOMA school had about 40 people from all over the world. Many people from Romania, one from Ireland, and a couple from Japan. The Japanese couple were so sweet. She did not speak very much English and he sat the whole week and translated what was being said by typing it on his computer; and during conversation times he just talked to her about what we were talking about. It was such a great picture of love.
In the Romanian group there were 3 single girls in their early twenties. I was so excited to see single girls there! Most of the time it is made up of married couples or the husband or wife part of a couple. I so often feel like the gift of singleness is wasted by 'the body' and all we ever talk about is how to get prepared to not be single anymore.
I got to go to lunch with those girls and they asked me all kinds of questions and I got to ask them some. It was wonderful. They are such bright and loving ladies, and they blessed me more than they know by desiring my time and wisdom.
There were several others I got to spend time with discussing our lives and our individual parts in our communities. It is great to see this vision I am now so out to being spread all over the place. It is such an important understanding and set of teachings. All of the people there seemed rocked by what they had learned and I imagine they left with as many questions as they had when they came, just different ones.
In the next few blogs I am going to share with you the things I learned at SOMA school and try and give you just a glimpse of what is going on out here. So stay tuned. Next week I'll discuss my "Where's mine?!" mentality and the new revelation on that, since the prodigal son story came up for the THIRD time lately. Then I'll share with you how we are sinful and blameless at the same time, which for me has been a real stumbling point to forgiveness of myself. Noah is my teacher in that lesson.
After that maybe some more on the vision here and what it looks like to intentionally be living it out.
Love you guys.
I cannot tell you how much it has changed me and challenged me and made me feel almost embarrassed that God loves me so much that I get to live here and live out this mission with a front row seat and individual face time with the elders and leaders, and their wives, which I must say are some of the most amazing women I have met here.
This SOMA school had about 40 people from all over the world. Many people from Romania, one from Ireland, and a couple from Japan. The Japanese couple were so sweet. She did not speak very much English and he sat the whole week and translated what was being said by typing it on his computer; and during conversation times he just talked to her about what we were talking about. It was such a great picture of love.
In the Romanian group there were 3 single girls in their early twenties. I was so excited to see single girls there! Most of the time it is made up of married couples or the husband or wife part of a couple. I so often feel like the gift of singleness is wasted by 'the body' and all we ever talk about is how to get prepared to not be single anymore.
I got to go to lunch with those girls and they asked me all kinds of questions and I got to ask them some. It was wonderful. They are such bright and loving ladies, and they blessed me more than they know by desiring my time and wisdom.
There were several others I got to spend time with discussing our lives and our individual parts in our communities. It is great to see this vision I am now so out to being spread all over the place. It is such an important understanding and set of teachings. All of the people there seemed rocked by what they had learned and I imagine they left with as many questions as they had when they came, just different ones.
In the next few blogs I am going to share with you the things I learned at SOMA school and try and give you just a glimpse of what is going on out here. So stay tuned. Next week I'll discuss my "Where's mine?!" mentality and the new revelation on that, since the prodigal son story came up for the THIRD time lately. Then I'll share with you how we are sinful and blameless at the same time, which for me has been a real stumbling point to forgiveness of myself. Noah is my teacher in that lesson.
After that maybe some more on the vision here and what it looks like to intentionally be living it out.
Love you guys.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I'm not exactly sure what you do when all of the pieces come together.
I remember watching the A Team when I was a kid. The old guy who
was in charge, Hannibal if my memory for all things useless serves, would
always say, "I love it when a plan comes together." This of course was
said in each show after they miraculously created a monster truck from
some two by fours they found laying around and had used it to defeat the
bad guy in the town. The plan always came together. Because they had a
script. I didn't get my lines for this part of my life. I was not issued the script,
nor was I consulted as to how this would all play out.
I have been feeling at loose ends for a while now knowing that everything
was changing, but again, not having it in writing, I was clueless as to
how to respond.
I decided that what was needed to re-secure the foundation was more
of me. I needed to buckle down and get to work and make some things
happen. These ideas belonged to other people. The anxiety and confusion
they created belonged only to me.
While listening to a teaching this week I was reminded that God is great
so I don't have to be in control. I realized that it was not more of me that
was called for. It was not less faith and more obedient acts.
What I actually need to move forward is less of me and deeper dependence
on God.
To they eyes of man it appears lazy or fearful or unwise. I was also reminded
that God is Gracious so I don't have to prove myself. All I can do is chose to
move deeper in intimacy and surrender than ever before.
This week a lot of things seemed to come together for me about what
the future might hold. I have waited for a long time, in my eyes, to find
these things out. I am blown away by what I know now and as the pieces
of the puzzle of my life come together before my very eyes all I can say
is... I'm glad I found those two by fours laying around.
I remember watching the A Team when I was a kid. The old guy who
was in charge, Hannibal if my memory for all things useless serves, would
always say, "I love it when a plan comes together." This of course was
said in each show after they miraculously created a monster truck from
some two by fours they found laying around and had used it to defeat the
bad guy in the town. The plan always came together. Because they had a
script. I didn't get my lines for this part of my life. I was not issued the script,
nor was I consulted as to how this would all play out.
I have been feeling at loose ends for a while now knowing that everything
was changing, but again, not having it in writing, I was clueless as to
how to respond.
I decided that what was needed to re-secure the foundation was more
of me. I needed to buckle down and get to work and make some things
happen. These ideas belonged to other people. The anxiety and confusion
they created belonged only to me.
While listening to a teaching this week I was reminded that God is great
so I don't have to be in control. I realized that it was not more of me that
was called for. It was not less faith and more obedient acts.
What I actually need to move forward is less of me and deeper dependence
on God.
To they eyes of man it appears lazy or fearful or unwise. I was also reminded
that God is Gracious so I don't have to prove myself. All I can do is chose to
move deeper in intimacy and surrender than ever before.
This week a lot of things seemed to come together for me about what
the future might hold. I have waited for a long time, in my eyes, to find
these things out. I am blown away by what I know now and as the pieces
of the puzzle of my life come together before my very eyes all I can say
is... I'm glad I found those two by fours laying around.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
And again when I think I am going through something completely
new, God gives me the original as my example.
I've been aware that the new season I am in is so very different than
anything I have ever been through before, and it has changed all
of the rules. How I live, how I make decisions, how I communicate
with God... everything has changed. Including my location.
And even though I am far away I live in a time of mass communication
and the water for my soul this week was at Lifechurch.
The sermon was about Elijah and it said so many things I needed to
hear including the fact that after God took him through a lot of
pain (ouch been there) and some time of being alone (even though Jen
and Stella have been here, without my roots, I have been very much
alone.) God then dried up his river. The one meager source of life for
Elijah in that ravine, and God takes it away too.
God changed all of the rules and Elijah had to step out, again, into
obedience with even his daily needs now going unmet.
I get easily caught up in the, "Seriously?! What are You doing?!"
attitude with God. I can lose sight of the fact that He and I have spent
years building trust and fall into the pit of self pity wondering,
"why it is so hard?" and "what purpose does any of this have?"
Lately I have been provided with the opportunity, like Elijah, to obey in new
and old ways. And after making right choices about some of them I get to feel
a heart change. I notice something that before would have been met with the
"where is mine?" and instead I think "it does my heart good for this person
to be blessed." It reminds me of who He really is and how much He loves us.
After being obedient Elijah got the opportunity to save the life of a woman
and her son by having their little bit of flour and oil stretch out for months as
God provided for them and Elijah just enough for each day.
There have been many of these opportunities to notice change lately and
just like Elijah, even though in the world's eyes and in comparison to
the way it was before I am getting less and less, God is at work.
He is at work in me so He can do work though me.
Just like Elijah.
And in case you didn't know... he is the first recorded person in the
Bible to raise someone from the dead. That kind of trial and trust
brings a very strong version of our faith.
Bring it on God. The river is dry and I am obedient.
new, God gives me the original as my example.
I've been aware that the new season I am in is so very different than
anything I have ever been through before, and it has changed all
of the rules. How I live, how I make decisions, how I communicate
with God... everything has changed. Including my location.
And even though I am far away I live in a time of mass communication
and the water for my soul this week was at Lifechurch.
The sermon was about Elijah and it said so many things I needed to
hear including the fact that after God took him through a lot of
pain (ouch been there) and some time of being alone (even though Jen
and Stella have been here, without my roots, I have been very much
alone.) God then dried up his river. The one meager source of life for
Elijah in that ravine, and God takes it away too.
God changed all of the rules and Elijah had to step out, again, into
obedience with even his daily needs now going unmet.
I get easily caught up in the, "Seriously?! What are You doing?!"
attitude with God. I can lose sight of the fact that He and I have spent
years building trust and fall into the pit of self pity wondering,
"why it is so hard?" and "what purpose does any of this have?"
Lately I have been provided with the opportunity, like Elijah, to obey in new
and old ways. And after making right choices about some of them I get to feel
a heart change. I notice something that before would have been met with the
"where is mine?" and instead I think "it does my heart good for this person
to be blessed." It reminds me of who He really is and how much He loves us.
After being obedient Elijah got the opportunity to save the life of a woman
and her son by having their little bit of flour and oil stretch out for months as
God provided for them and Elijah just enough for each day.
There have been many of these opportunities to notice change lately and
just like Elijah, even though in the world's eyes and in comparison to
the way it was before I am getting less and less, God is at work.
He is at work in me so He can do work though me.
Just like Elijah.
And in case you didn't know... he is the first recorded person in the
Bible to raise someone from the dead. That kind of trial and trust
brings a very strong version of our faith.
Bring it on God. The river is dry and I am obedient.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
When life gets real you get to make real decisions.
I started to write this blog yesterday, and the day before.
It started with an exclamation of frustration and then came
several lines about how hard it is to make hard decisions.
Well today I am right on top of having a realistic view of
all of the pros and cons to this choice, and it all boils down
to... what do I want?
This is not the selfish kind of want. In fact it is the God ordained
kind. Did you know that existed?
After you are done being baby fed by The Holy Spirit, God will
call you to a deeper level of obedience in your relationship
with Him. The great part is the fact that with greater
obedience comes greater intimacy and connection with The
Creator of ALL things. BTW- that is where true love and
validation are found.
But, for me, and I know a lot of you, obedience sounds
dreadful, heavy, burdensome, and even scary.
It can be, but if you are on the path that God has set before you
and you are allowing God to actively participate in your life
then obedience is FREEDOM.
And it allows you to have discernment about choices you get
to make.
Now no one hates to be told what to do more than me. Unless
of course it is my father, or my sister. But, if you have been
participating with God, He will at some point have earned your
trust and you will believe that He wants greater things for you
than you could ever dream for yourself. He wants you so free
and so healed, and so fulfilled that no matter your circumstances,
your life is still filled with peace and joy.
I mean seriously? We have The God on our side and He is willing
to endure our tantrums and wrong choices until we get to the
point of trust?
Simply put- yes.
And in our obedience we find that our choices line up with our
dreams and that our dreams fill our lives to the fullest of our
potential and that in the end glorifies God.
It's a perfect system and we get to chose to participate,
or not to, and make all of the decisions in between.
The immature relationship has prepared you with all of the
tools you will need to make all of these decisions. The
mature relationship hinges on whether you make the right
ones. Thankfully, the right ones are the ones you actually
really want.
May you be finding what it is that He put in you to desire, and
realize that those are the things your dreams are made of, and
may He give you the discernment and endurance to see them
come true.
I started to write this blog yesterday, and the day before.
It started with an exclamation of frustration and then came
several lines about how hard it is to make hard decisions.
Well today I am right on top of having a realistic view of
all of the pros and cons to this choice, and it all boils down
to... what do I want?
This is not the selfish kind of want. In fact it is the God ordained
kind. Did you know that existed?
After you are done being baby fed by The Holy Spirit, God will
call you to a deeper level of obedience in your relationship
with Him. The great part is the fact that with greater
obedience comes greater intimacy and connection with The
Creator of ALL things. BTW- that is where true love and
validation are found.
But, for me, and I know a lot of you, obedience sounds
dreadful, heavy, burdensome, and even scary.
It can be, but if you are on the path that God has set before you
and you are allowing God to actively participate in your life
then obedience is FREEDOM.
And it allows you to have discernment about choices you get
to make.
Now no one hates to be told what to do more than me. Unless
of course it is my father, or my sister. But, if you have been
participating with God, He will at some point have earned your
trust and you will believe that He wants greater things for you
than you could ever dream for yourself. He wants you so free
and so healed, and so fulfilled that no matter your circumstances,
your life is still filled with peace and joy.
I mean seriously? We have The God on our side and He is willing
to endure our tantrums and wrong choices until we get to the
point of trust?
Simply put- yes.
And in our obedience we find that our choices line up with our
dreams and that our dreams fill our lives to the fullest of our
potential and that in the end glorifies God.
It's a perfect system and we get to chose to participate,
or not to, and make all of the decisions in between.
The immature relationship has prepared you with all of the
tools you will need to make all of these decisions. The
mature relationship hinges on whether you make the right
ones. Thankfully, the right ones are the ones you actually
really want.
May you be finding what it is that He put in you to desire, and
realize that those are the things your dreams are made of, and
may He give you the discernment and endurance to see them
come true.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Further notes on dating me through
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
My Uncle Bob always treated me like
I was special. He would make sure that
in the midst of what was sometimes more
than 50 people, that I felt noticed.
He lit up when I came in the room and
within the time it took for him to make
his way over to hug me, he'd be fully
into the second verse of Julie.
I can't remember now exactly how it went
but I think it was something like, "Truly
Julie I love you," and then something about
how everyone does.
I can still feel him bending over and giving
me the best and most appropriate side hug.
I would smile so big my eyes would disappear.
I felt shy and ecstatic about the attention.
I would tuck my head a little and let it
rest on his shoulder and feel more complete
and more special than any other day of the
year.
He never lingered too long making it too
obvious or uncomfortable. He would go back
to my Aunt Normie and sit and talk, or go
watch the game with the boys, but I would
continue to feel loved even with out his
direct attention.
I have no idea what made my Uncle Bob see
me in a special light. As far as I know
he did not do this to any other kids.
Maybe he saw my great spirit and how it was
afraid. Maybe he could feel the insecurity
of being in a group. Maybe God just told
him I needed special attention.
I don't know, but I wish I could say that
it kept me from treating myself and allowing
others to treat me without respect.
I wish I had understood what he was trying
to tell me, and let it spare me some pain.
I can see him now, as I will see him on that
day, with his big brown afro, and dark brown
skin. He will probably be wearing some double
knit poly pants with a flared leg, also in
brown, and a long sleeved, yellow shirt with
snaps.
I hope he knows that I get it now. That I see
my worth. Through the eyes of God and through
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
I hope that my future husband sees me like that
too.
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
My Uncle Bob always treated me like
I was special. He would make sure that
in the midst of what was sometimes more
than 50 people, that I felt noticed.
He lit up when I came in the room and
within the time it took for him to make
his way over to hug me, he'd be fully
into the second verse of Julie.
I can't remember now exactly how it went
but I think it was something like, "Truly
Julie I love you," and then something about
how everyone does.
I can still feel him bending over and giving
me the best and most appropriate side hug.
I would smile so big my eyes would disappear.
I felt shy and ecstatic about the attention.
I would tuck my head a little and let it
rest on his shoulder and feel more complete
and more special than any other day of the
year.
He never lingered too long making it too
obvious or uncomfortable. He would go back
to my Aunt Normie and sit and talk, or go
watch the game with the boys, but I would
continue to feel loved even with out his
direct attention.
I have no idea what made my Uncle Bob see
me in a special light. As far as I know
he did not do this to any other kids.
Maybe he saw my great spirit and how it was
afraid. Maybe he could feel the insecurity
of being in a group. Maybe God just told
him I needed special attention.
I don't know, but I wish I could say that
it kept me from treating myself and allowing
others to treat me without respect.
I wish I had understood what he was trying
to tell me, and let it spare me some pain.
I can see him now, as I will see him on that
day, with his big brown afro, and dark brown
skin. He will probably be wearing some double
knit poly pants with a flared leg, also in
brown, and a long sleeved, yellow shirt with
snaps.
I hope he knows that I get it now. That I see
my worth. Through the eyes of God and through
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
I hope that my future husband sees me like that
too.
Some further thoughts on dating...
(keeping in mind that the end result would
be marriage.)
I used to wake up looking refreshed. Now even
mid morning there are still pillow lines on my
face.
I never had a tight, small body so that is no
loss to me, but it really is not all that fun to
look at in the mirror.
I can be sarcastic and standoffish when I am
nervous and I am definitely going to be
nervous on a date.
I have been this way so long that, afraid of
real intimacy I mean, that I can't see any
other way of being.
I like my space, and I am selfish about it.
I have put out the "I'm not interested," vibe
for so long I don't know if I can turn it off.
And by 'not interested' I mean "I am desperate
for you to notice and want me, but I know
you will not love me, so bitter, bitter, bitter."
Ha- made myself laugh with that one.
I have decided I know what kind of man I want
and let go of what kind of man I think I
want and I am left with wondering if there is
any kind of man who will want me.
I have scars from past abuse. I have scars
from past choices. I have awareness of most
of these things.
I get bloated easily.
I struggle with food (and it usually ends up
all over my clothes.)
I don't always practice what I preach.
I only exercise in spurts.
When I am afraid I close down and go hide
somewhere leaving a very clear message of,
"Leave me alone!"
I don't like to think of others before myself,
though I do, I usually require an animal
sacrifice.
I am terrified of letting someone know all of
these things and letting him judge me.
I am terrified there are more things that I
don't even know that a man sees instantly and
makes him want to run away.
I am most afraid that I will fall in love with
someone and he will fall in love with me and
I will have to let him in.
Or not.
And that is the worst pain of all.
(keeping in mind that the end result would
be marriage.)
I used to wake up looking refreshed. Now even
mid morning there are still pillow lines on my
face.
I never had a tight, small body so that is no
loss to me, but it really is not all that fun to
look at in the mirror.
I can be sarcastic and standoffish when I am
nervous and I am definitely going to be
nervous on a date.
I have been this way so long that, afraid of
real intimacy I mean, that I can't see any
other way of being.
I like my space, and I am selfish about it.
I have put out the "I'm not interested," vibe
for so long I don't know if I can turn it off.
And by 'not interested' I mean "I am desperate
for you to notice and want me, but I know
you will not love me, so bitter, bitter, bitter."
Ha- made myself laugh with that one.
I have decided I know what kind of man I want
and let go of what kind of man I think I
want and I am left with wondering if there is
any kind of man who will want me.
I have scars from past abuse. I have scars
from past choices. I have awareness of most
of these things.
I get bloated easily.
I struggle with food (and it usually ends up
all over my clothes.)
I don't always practice what I preach.
I only exercise in spurts.
When I am afraid I close down and go hide
somewhere leaving a very clear message of,
"Leave me alone!"
I don't like to think of others before myself,
though I do, I usually require an animal
sacrifice.
I am terrified of letting someone know all of
these things and letting him judge me.
I am terrified there are more things that I
don't even know that a man sees instantly and
makes him want to run away.
I am most afraid that I will fall in love with
someone and he will fall in love with me and
I will have to let him in.
Or not.
And that is the worst pain of all.
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