In the story of Abraham and God, after God promises to make Abraham the father of many nations through his own, as yet un-conceived son, God comes for a visit on His way to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.
I had read this story many times and each time the idea of the conversation between God and Abraham was the outstanding thing for me. How Abe had talked to God is suggesting and seemingly getting God to change His mind. I don’t think God does that so I see it as God setting up this scenario to teach Abraham how to talk to Him and to give him confidence as to how to approach Him. He lets Abe talk Him down in an almost harassing way. Abe says over and over again, “What about this many…” And each time God goes, “OK.”
I loved this. I was a major piece in my learning how to see God in my life as active participant and loving Father.
But this last time I stopped on the part in which God is sitting outside of Abraham’s tent and He asks where Sarah is and Abe says that she is in the tent. He had just asked her to prepare some things for their guests. God promises again; for what I think is the third time, that they will have a child. This time though He gives a time frame. A year from now, He says. And Sarah in the kitchen hears this and laughs. When she comes out with things to serve them I assume, God asks her why she laughed. And her response is ridiculous. She denies that she laughed. And God says, “Yes you did.”
It is such a strange little piece to put in there. They don’t get into a fight and God does not call her a liar. There is no further mention of it at all.
I am learning that in bible study, when something sticks out like that for you, it is not just a strange thing God put in there for some strange reason; it is the Spirit calling you deeper exploration. And it was sticking out for me; because this is my ridiculous response too.
In all of the healing going on for me… I am having trouble letting God see me. And for some ridiculous reason, I think He can’t. In my shame, I am hiding something from Him? Well, I am trying to. I am afraid that if He sees it all He will take away the things I love and I will be rejected and worthless.
So when God confronts Sarah with her disbelief, in fear, she denies it. As if she is able to hide this from God! And God responds by stating clearly and plainly and without judgment that He knows.
To my surprise, this is a great relief to me! I am not afraid because He knows, I am set free from hiding! I am set free not only from trying to keep part of myself hidden from God which is impossible, and tiring, I am relieved because if He does already know… and He hasn’t cast me out as useless and ugly, then… then what? Then He must actually approve of me and love me. If He really sees me, even the things I think He can’t see because I am keeping them inside the tent, if He sees even those things too… then I am free from shame.
Sarah had an honest response of disbelief in that moment. God had made this promise years before also. I would have giggled a little too. But when He asked her why she laughed, meaning to have her answer for her lack of trust and or faith, she was afraid, and I think, ashamed. So she denied it like she believed she could hide something from God. And He told her straight out, you cannot. “Yes you did.” This was not meant to shame her, but to free her. I don’t know if it did or not. But it freed me. 2000 years later, that moment God knew would be recorded and I would see and be freed to let Him see me. Thank you God.