Egads! What does it feel like to feel gifted and compelled and worthy of a voice?!
I tell you it feels like freedom and a little fear.
There are just too many things going on to explain it all, so I will just pick one thing and go with that. What should it be??? How about how I was a prisoner to anger and bitterness all of my life feeling like what I had to say didn't matter, and this stemming from being raped when I was eight years old and used my voice to tell them to stop, and they did it anyway leaving me feeling rage, and being unable to express it began a pattern of negative, hate filled dialogue in my head that continued on for 30 years stealing my ability to feel my life and any joy.
Yeah, like I said, Egads!
Now try this on for size.
Over the past 10 years, with the loving hand of God as my guide, I have been peeling back layer after layer of fear, addiction, and anxiety only to find anger underneath causing all kinds of mayhem in my mind and heart and after peeling back the layer of abuse begins the process of dealing with the actual events in which God has kindly and Kingly rewritten in my memory, mind, and heart freeing me to come out from under victim-hood and and feel the anger just before He defused it and gave me back my voice.
Hope, hope and more hope dear friends. But it does not come without the work. God is a God of if/then and you can claim promises all day until you are blue in the face and all you will get is a part in an episode of the Smurfs.
Let's see how this works...
I was sitting at church and we had broken into small groups to pray together and my group being made up of people who all know each other very well was discussing some things. I was sharing that having tapped into my root of anger had me a little worried that if it were to come out it would destroy the entire north end of Tacoma. I had enough anger to kill everyone and smash all of their stuff and burn all of their houses down so I could hurt them the way I had been hurt. My friend who is a fireman took a mental note I think.
Someone asked about dealing with anger and I said, and my sister agreed, that I would never encourage anyone to take on the process of healing if they did not first claim at least the faith of a mustard seed.
Another person in our circle was my friend Annie's 13 year old daughter Makenzie. When she heard this she said excitedly, "I have a scripture!" She picked up a bible and began looking for the verse. When she got to it she read it to herself and then closed her bible. I asked her what it had said and she said that it had been the wrong one. She said, "I was looking for one that said something about a mustard seed but I was wrong, all it said was something about prayer and fasting of food." I said for her to took it up and read it. She read us Matthew 17:21, "However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting of food." My fireman friend suggested that we rip that page our and throw it away. I laughed and agreed, but I knew God was using her to tell me that this was how I needed to deal with my anger. To pray and to fast from food. It is always food with me!
Annie, being practically a bible scholar, told Makenzie to read the rest of the scripture around this verse, but she said no and we all went back to our seats and continued with worship. But I knew what had happened, and I knew that God had given me an answer and saved the north end of Tacoma.
When I got home I looked up the verse and read the entire chapter. It's about Jesus curing a boy who suffered from seizures. The disciples had tried to help the boy but could not and when they asked Jesus why He said, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "Move from here to there," and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting."
Ha! She was right on top of the verse! But I needed the other part and God knew that. And if Makenzie had listened to the Spirit in her mother she would have seen that she was not wrong and found the verse she was looking for.
All things work together for God's glory my friends. The big and the small things. I got an answer I wasn't even really aware that I was looking for, Makenzie got to be used by God to help me, and my fireman friend got to sleep easier.
So fast from food, and pray I did and two days ago I spent my first anger free day in 30 years. I didn't wake up to bugles or fireworks. It was very subtle, yet very obvious. There was just something missing and it was something that I didn't miss. I'm not sure yet all of the ways this will effect me, but I know there will be many.
One way that has been so exciting already is the fact that I know what I have to say matters. And as a writer and a teacher that is an extraordinary thing.
Oh but a buyer beware tale... The day after I was done fasting and praying is the day that I lead a small group. Several things conspired that morning to get me angry and to make me feel like no one cared about what I had to say. Instead of racing through several angry speeches in my head I just sat down and asked God what was going on. I realized that I was being tested which made a lot of sense after what I had been going through. I just sat back and let the understanding wash over me and God revealed several things to me. One that the overflowing well of anger was dried up and there wasn't even enough for one angry speech. Two that it does matter what I have to say, but that awareness comes from my trust in Him and not from what and when I say anything. And third that without a test to prove these other two things, I might never have seen so clearly the freedom I had just newly walked into.
I love you Guys, and you guys too.