I had no idea that when I baited you with the olfactory sensation of freedom that I would be smack dab in the thick of fighting for my own just a few days later.
I really have had such a great experience being set free. It seems like from the get I knew that there was something I had not seen but I knew was available. Yes I had heard it preached, but I also just had the sense that even though it was obviously elusive to the other followers I know, that there was more to be had. I do not speak of this in a way that means others are less than or even missing something. I am only speaking from my experience and when I look at the lives of others in comparison with mine, which you are never supposed to do, I felt like God was calling me to more.
I had no idea more what. My examples of what it means to be and looks like to be a Christian are normal people. Full of life and experiencing joy and pain just like everyone on the planet. I don’t know if I felt like I had more to deal with or felt called to a deeper relationship with God, but when I looked around me I didn’t see anyone who seemed to be doing the emotional digging I was.
My daily life was a moment by moment existence driven by my need of instruction and support. I felt very comfortable, so I thought, trusting God with all of me. It seemed natural and almost easy to just let go and let Him lead. I realize now that the past 9 years have apparently been a process of me letting go every day the parts of me that were being restored because they had been stolen from me.
So it turns out that until today I have not been in possession of enough of me to surrender fully to God in order to receive the freedom I have for so long been working. And the bugger of it is; the working part was my choice. It didn’t have to be such a burden. Again today in the midst of compiling my list of things to do to be set free I was reminded that there is nothing for me to do.
So how do we begin this journey? How do I share with you where I came from and how I got here in a way that helps you begin, or continue to move through, your own journey? And not only that but allows you to benefit from what God has taught me because that is the only reason I will ever write one more word. I used to write to say things I would never say out loud. Then I wrote because God had given me something to say and I thought that meant I was a worthwhile person. Then I tried to organize my writing so that I could find a reason to write which became the need to be published and have my voice heard, and pay the bills. And now, after all of this unnecessary work, I will write with you in mind. With the intent to benefit someone other than myself and, it will be easy. Because Jesus said so.
Again… how? Well my past is filled with stories of pain and abuse and insecurity, very much like most of the people in the world. So I’ll start there. Next week.