Some further thoughts on dating...
(keeping in mind that the end result would
be marriage.)
I used to wake up looking refreshed. Now even
mid morning there are still pillow lines on my
face.
I never had a tight, small body so that is no
loss to me, but it really is not all that fun to
look at in the mirror.
I can be sarcastic and standoffish when I am
nervous and I am definitely going to be
nervous on a date.
I have been this way so long that, afraid of
real intimacy I mean, that I can't see any
other way of being.
I like my space, and I am selfish about it.
I have put out the "I'm not interested," vibe
for so long I don't know if I can turn it off.
And by 'not interested' I mean "I am desperate
for you to notice and want me, but I know
you will not love me, so bitter, bitter, bitter."
Ha- made myself laugh with that one.
I have decided I know what kind of man I want
and let go of what kind of man I think I
want and I am left with wondering if there is
any kind of man who will want me.
I have scars from past abuse. I have scars
from past choices. I have awareness of most
of these things.
I get bloated easily.
I struggle with food (and it usually ends up
all over my clothes.)
I don't always practice what I preach.
I only exercise in spurts.
When I am afraid I close down and go hide
somewhere leaving a very clear message of,
"Leave me alone!"
I don't like to think of others before myself,
though I do, I usually require an animal
sacrifice.
I am terrified of letting someone know all of
these things and letting him judge me.
I am terrified there are more things that I
don't even know that a man sees instantly and
makes him want to run away.
I am most afraid that I will fall in love with
someone and he will fall in love with me and
I will have to let him in.
Or not.
And that is the worst pain of all.