After choosing to believe that God was real I dug in deep. I went to church 3 times a week, I sold all of my ‘secular’ CDs (which I still regret to this day), and I started my own bible study searching out the character of God. It is that last one I’m thinking about today. Well I am always thinking about my forever lost trance CD I got in Amsterdam, but that never nagged at my soul the way the character study of God did.
I fell head over heels in love with this Guy. I had been heart broken by my divorce, addicted to many things including the approval of people, and didn’t even have kids or a college degree at 30! When I read how loving and caring and forgiving God was, well at first I just wanted to know Him better.
A funny thing happened though. As I read more and more about how great and powerful He was I began to feel resentful and neglected. I could not understand why He, who claimed to love me so much that He sent His Son to die, could let all of these awful things happen to me. I knew that all of the things that happened as adult I was partially responsible for. But the abuse I suffered as a child, I was blameless in that, and He let it happen.
Why would He do that? How could He allow that? If He is who the bible says He is then He could have protected me by stopping those things before they happened! And it would have spared me, possibly, most of the hurt I caused for myself! They kept telling me at church that He loved me and that when I loved Him in return I was forgiven, a new creation. I did not feel like a new creation. I felt like the same old beat up mess, only now I had someone to blame.
That new creation bit for those of us with painful pasts is hard to wrap our minds around, and we often feel undeserving of any good in our lives. Those of you who met Jesus as children sometimes do not have trouble with this idea. You all seem to get into trouble with the idea that because you have ‘been good’ then life should be pretty good to you, taking a tone of entitlement in a way. Whatever your past choices, suffering comes to us all, and if we are finding ourselves unworthy because of our past or confused because we thought we deserve better because of our past, we often find hopelessness. We all need to be reminded, especially in the hard times, that He indeed does love us, and that we are totally unworthy of that love. And yet we get it anyway. Everyday. Forever. The fact is that whenever you go to ‘why me?’ you are claiming that you somehow deserve better. And you do. But not because you have done anything that merits it. Simply because He created us in His image. That is all. We are His creation and His greatest love. We can do nothing to increase or decrease that love. Love offered unconditionally regardless of your wrong choices, and your right choices.
Usually after you surrender to hopelessness you find the victim mentality waiting for you at every turn; lurking around in the dark corners of your mind playing old tapes of regret and blame. The truth is God will not protect us from all of the sin in the world. He was removed from that authority the moment Adam and Eve chose to question who they were as image bearers of God. The truth is that God could have changed your circumstances and He didn't, but He is not to blame. The sin of the human heart is responsible for all it. And that means that whatever the details of your specific hurt, as a part of the human race you are not a victim, but are responsible for it. Thankfully as a child of God you are given the tools to overcome it. Any road out of hurt is a hard one. And most often, a long one, but there is an inherent tie to the gracious God of all creation that if given the chance will move you forward step by healing step into a greater freedom than you ever dreamed possible. All you have to do is chose to let Him lead you every single day. With the pain of healing comes freedom for the soul.
But don’t take my word for it. Read any story in the bible and ask God to show you His redemptive theme. He is all about redeeming what was lost, even the times when we were not protected, and especially our hope.
Press in and press on. Long suffering is not easily learned and is a place that satan is perched and waiting to kill you. he wants nothing more than to lock you in the prison of living like a helpless victim, and leave you hopeless and doubting who you are as the image bearer of God. It is his original lie and it still kills God's children all of the time.
I pray for strength in Him and supernatural healing for you. May you see Him for who He is, your Daddy.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment