Well since most of you who read this are either part of my email
or myspace group you already know what's going on here.
It's so strange to be in this place finally. I have discussed and
prayed and dreamed of how it would be and I, of course, never
imagined it like this.
There are still so many unanswered questions, but unlike my
past experiences I am not finding it hard to rest in the lack of
control I am feeling. It's such a place of dependence that I really
don't have much of a choice and I feel that, for me, I couldn't do
it any other way.
I couldn't get to complete surrender if I still made my own plans
for each day.
I couldn't get to complete dependence if I had a job that
provides security and safety.
I couldn't get to complete trust if I had health insurance and a
401k.
So for as strange as it feels this is it for me. My flesh is getting
used to all the changes, my spirit is miles ahead.
Something interesting I realized today is that I have been hung up
on, among other things, having to do this by myself. I mean
traveling to distant lands or even here in the states is not something
I felt as a woman I could do alone.
To add to the issue I have met someone who's own path with God
is so similar to mine that I considered whether or not he was
the one to keep me from going alone. Today I realized I don't
care either way.
I mean I am a little afraid to go alone. I am also a little afraid that
if I don't I will miss something. Like the ability to be alone in a
strange land. Or the freedom to hear His voice for myself and to
respond to it. The strength and courage of this season comes
from just that I think. And the opportunity to write my own story
instead of somebodyelse's.
It makes me nervous to think this way but again it also brings me
peace.
This space I am in has also brought me something I have been
desiring for many years now. The ability to be present fully
in every moment and to appreciate everything in it. If you have
your whole day planned down to each minute, when that gets
interrupted it is irritating. When you are struggling to control
your environment and things happen that you did not plan for, it
pulls the rug out from underneath you. When you are trying to
figure out tomorrow, you miss today.
I was beginning to wonder if I just had unreal expectations for
'being in the moment.'
Today I realize if your are dependent on someone other than
yourself for each moment, to define and order, and fill each
moment, you are very in it.
When you don't know how long you will be in a place you find
yourself enjoying everything more. When you don't know
when you will see a person again you find yourself, instead of
getting irritated, loving even the things that get on your nerves.
When you don't know how you will stay warm or get fed, you
are so thankful to find those needs met.
I know it's a lot. It is for me too.
So tonight I go to sleep with all of these feeling and I wait
for the sun to rise tomorrow and bring new things.
I have no idea what they will be. And it surprises me to say
that I am ok with that.
I love you all.

well i'm not sure how to start this one. after all i have shared
i feel a need to keep some things very close to my heart
and between God and myself.
i will say that as of today i am not coming home on the 8th.
it may be later in jan. or in late feb. i'm still not sure, and
honestly i'm not promising i will come back at all. it's day by
day from here on out. i can see some things in the future that
i know i want to do, but i have no idea how they will come
about.
this is, and always has been, the only way i find peace. to
truly leave it up to God, which usually takes me some time
to get to, and the only place i feel like i belong.
there are so many amazing things going on out here as
far as spiritual growth, my own and that of others in my life,
and it's just not time to leave yet. i get to see these things
through.
so i'm gonna.
i love all of you and will be so blessed to see you again at
some point.
as this journey is really just beginning, keep reading.
things are gonna get real interesting and i'll be sharing
them with you and hoping that they bless you and you will
continue to support me with your prayers. i feel it when you
do.

what on earth?

What on earth is going on here? I have felt since
becoming a Christ follower I had a different path.
Different than my family and most of the people I
know. Everyone around me has agreed this is true,
and it put me in a place to make decisions that
don't usually make sense to the world.
I've been ok, eventually, with each of those choices
and felt God's presence very strongly in them.
Today I am in a place to make another one that
doesn't make sense, and again I feel unsure.
Not in my spirit, I have complete peace there, but
in my heart and head I want something else.
I say I want something else, but the something else
is safe and comfortable, and I think that has a lot to
do with why I want it.
My imagination has been running wild since I met
Demitri. It was only a few days before I met him
that I asked God to not ask me to go out alone. So
of course when I met him I was excited by all of his
stories, but it goes deeper than that now.
After I got past my Midwestern, American judgement
of him I began to love him. I felt from day one that
he was fascinating and so loving, and I started dating
him in my head without any provocation from him.
I was going on and on one night and Jen said I
should stop that and just be friends. I was like, "oh
yeah, duh."
So I considered him as an amazing addition to my
community and left it at that. It hasn't stayed there.
He came to a Christmas party we invited him to at
Tasha and Tom's and I couldn't help but love that he
was there with me, all others being paired up. His
actions toward me gave others reason to question his
feelings for me. They wondered if he was in love with
me and even went as far as to ask if we were getting
married.
I feel sad today because I haven't seen him in a few
days, and have gotten used to having him around.
I have no idea what I feel, nor do I have a clue to his
feelings. All I know is that I may not be coming home
in Jan. and feel like I should go forward not back and
this makes me sad because I love my home and all of you,
and weird because I have no idea where to go.
I know most of this sounds lame, but it's how I'm
feeling and if I don't get it out it will pull me from
enjoying these last precious days here with Jen and
Stella.
So endure my girlish fantasies, and if you have any
word for me pray diligently about it, and then
give it to me.

inspired and in question

As I move through the last phases of fear
and start to see beyond its limitations,
I feel the passions burn inside of me
and I feel my soul and let it yearn for creation.

The inspiration of forein lands
brown faces and skin of varied hue
I desire the company of people,
who believe in things other than I do.

I wanna change the world
I wanna write things that people will heed,
I feel this inspiration and I want to heal them
these people in need.

I don't want to tell you more things
that might make your life easier,
your life is blessed to the point of gluttony
and it's all for the tide of being pleas-ier.

This world is full of adventure and views
that when exposed to their tales,
I fell this hopefulness well up inside me
and the safety of title and tag pales.

Why wait?
what more do I need?
the journey of this late bloomer
is finally taking seed.

So I say to my creator
the one who knows all things,
cut this American puppet loose
use your strength to sever my strings.

Old tapes die hard
and I pause to listen too often,
their old voices saying things like
the ground underneath me will soften.

It will dissolve into something
that holds me in this place,
as soon as I step out
I will be eaten by the unknown space.

Today I press pause on that tape
and I consider what it is I really want
and I realize the travels of the last few years
have created in me something that can not be stopped
and I want to put on my shoes
and grab my toothbrush
and walk out this door
listen the dead quiet hush
of wind rushing through trees
and the oceans lapping waves
and the sound of tongues not understood
and leave this country of slaves
we are slaves to the time and to the dollar
and to what others think
and I can not sit by anymore
and allow my heart to sink
sink into the abyss of unmet dreams
ones that fuel my imagination
the ones I let die
because of my lack of instigation
and my fear of the loss of control
and my inability to trust
and all that really matters
is that I keep moving and just
just open my hand and allow it to happen
and not be afraid to hear
the voice of what comes next
Shhhh!
"You're coming in loud and clear."

it's 5 am!

Often God has to wake me at what normally would be
obscene hours for me in order to get me to listen.
This morning is one of those mornings. It doesn't
get anymore obscene that 5 a.m.
I have been awake since 4. My stomach was hurting.
Not a surprise since the last few bites of Stella's cheese
cake, which I ate after I ate my piece, felt like too much.
But, I also have been feeling very distant from Jesus
this last week so I laid here in bed, and opened my
ears and heart.
The conversation started with my confessing that
I knew He didn't want me to get this tattoo, and that
I did it anyway and I was sorry, but I could not believe
that He was holding it against me and it was separating
me from Him. In the matter of a few moments, in which
my brow was so furrowed I could feel it, I came to
understand that the tattoo was not the issue, it was
the worshipfulness of my body it displayed.
I do not embody the body of what we would normally
consider one who worships their body. I am not ripped
or stacked or built like a 'brick house.'
I am obsessed and always have been with my weight
and how it causes others to treat me. Even while I have
been here it has pervaded my motivation to run in the
woods, and I love that. It taints my passion for that.
That separates me from God, not the tattoo.
Ya know I often have feared the desert places. He
also uses the wilderness for the same analogy, but
I don't fear the wilderness, so I go with that hot,
nasty desert. There are several songs that use that
imagery along with the cry "how long Lord?" How long
will you let me be in this place?
I am more confident tonight than ever that we are
solely responsible for the time in and duration of our
stays on those places removed from Him.
EVERYONE! You don't have a sleep disorder!
You don't have restless leg syndrome!
You are not anxious or depressed.
YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!
You are also not stranded in the desert for "He will
never leave you nor forsake you." Period!
I knew tonight that for Him to be holding holding
a grudge because I got a tattoo, even though I felt
Him give me peace not to get it, would be against His
character. That meant it was something deeper
and even though I hate 5 a.m. I made time to listen.
Discovering, or I guess becoming involved in (because
I already knew there was imbalance here), the
idea of worshiping myself led me to see many things.
I can't be uncomfortable physically like being cold
or hot or in pain without it making me emotionally
unhappy.
I can't love a man with small hands (or whatever)
because I have decided I like the opposite.
I can't find a balance in my food and body image
because what really matters is how people see me.
It is the most selfish thing I have ever heard.
It keeps me from being gentle with myself and others.
It keeps my in a place of judgement of myself
and others.
It keeps me at a distance from God and that keeps
me from feeling truly accepted and loved.
That is what was hurting my stomach tonight.
Not the cheese cake.

P.S.
(For those of you concerned, though none of you
said I felt it too, about my doubt about Him being
the only way... He said it and I believe it (to quote
a horrible summer camp saying). I do not however
presume to be the judge of what is right for anyone
other than myself. I do not cling to the idea that
I am right as to make myself feel superior or
safe. People will come to Jesus through the Father,
not through my insistence they are wrong if
they don't. I will be used by God to reveal His
patience and grace and mercy, just like Jesus
told me to.)

Usually I feel better after this kind of moment.
I don't feel better right now...

abundance?

Jennifer and I have spent a few evenings with Demetri
now. Getting to know him and he us. She is very
concerned about his sleeping outside when she has
a perfectly warm, DRY place. (it's her hospitality
gift kicking in)
Anyway one night she and I were talking and she
wondered if Demetri felt like he was receiving
abundantly from God? This God he had given his whole
life over to, a life of complete surrender. Did he
feel like he was being abundantly provided for when
he sleeps outside?!
I wondered that too.
We asked him about it last night during art night
in which we all were painting and colleaguing, and
as soon as the words came out of my mouth I realized
true abundance isn't about stuff. Duh. But, it isn't
even about comfort.
I think that living in abundance we imagine is
separate from those who live sacrificially. Like
you give up your abundance for the greater good?
You do receive treasures in heaven, but on earth
in order to live in abundance you have stuff that makes
life more comfortable.
I think of Joyce Meyer or Craig Groschel, they have been
abundantly blessed. They use their gifts to minister
to God's people and it also provides them with a
comfortable lifestyle.
What I realized last night was that that kind of
abundance not only will be eaten by moths but, you can
not have true abundance unless you understand the
heart of God, and what he would consider abundantly
blessed.
There are a lot of things going through my head and
heart right now. It feels like an awakening of myself
with things even bigger than this understanding, but
if anyone in the world is abundantly blessed,
it is me.
The driving force of His being, the desire of His heart,
God at His core is Relational.
Above all else love.
Without neighbors love is useless, it takes at least two
to experience and express love.
Oh, relationally I am SO blessed.
I am abundantly blessed.
I have no job, no husband, no kids.
I don't own a home and my car is lame.
I haven't bought new clothes in 2 months.
I don't own land or jewelry or have a 401k.
I don't have health insurance.
I'm not famous or thin.
I AM abundantly blessed because I have all of you,
and this Christmas I get it.
I am overwhelmed by the abundance of love and support
and encouragement I receive from you all.
I am astounded at the experiences you all allow
me to be part of by being in each other's lives.
I can not put in words the value each of you adds to
the total abundance I experience daily.
Each of you is God's gift of abundance to me and I
am eternally thankful, to you, and to Him.

So I'm realizing that as my relationship with
God becomes more intimate it also becomes
more real. It seems to be in me instead of
around me.
I know we all agree that as Christians we have
the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, but I think
that leaves us feeling like God and Jesus are
outside. Up in heaven. Removed by the distance
of our skin.
(speaking of skin... tattoo update. it hurts!)
I mean that until now, which has felt very real
and complete to me, I have depended on a
feeling of joy or praise or comfort that came
from a source outside of myself. It was brought
on by singing or reading or praying.
I said a few weeks ago that my way of receiving
from God was changing. I didn't feel swept
away by the music. I hadn't felt relieved of
burden by prayer. I hadn't been made strong in
my weakness. It is scary.
It turned right away to doubt, but not like, "I
doubt if You exist." More like, "There are so
versions of You I feel interested."
I have always hated the idea that I have to
believe that my way is the only way and all
others are going to hell. Now I know a lot
of religions believe in my God, they don't believe
in Jesus. Others believe in other Gods. And
still others have no higher being.
I have felt for a long time that what I believed
was the infallible word of God and He is
the only God and it's His way or the highway.
To me now, that sounds like it comes from a
place of control which is based in fear.
So it's a weird place here.
I am questioning things and it's good to do that.
And I wonder if a person can be so surrendered
to God that the source no longer is outside of
them, but in them? That the things that used to
be my only source of connection to God are now
only part of it, and not even the part that brings
intimacy. Has my relationship with Him become
who I am, not what I am?
It has lost it's place as my religion. It is not
longer something I do because it makes me
feel better. He is not just my resource for the
coping mechanisms I need to get through.
He is everything. I am in Him and He is in me.
The only thing that remains external is what
He and I do with my environment.
Hmmm.

So I got a tattoo. I got my first one on my ankle like
10 years ago, and the one on my back 7 or so.
I somehow managed to get 2 without really ever
getting one. I mean small, outline, no color.
The one on my ankle was of symbols based in
astrology and since becoming a Christian I hated
having to explain it because it's just dumb. So I
covered it up on Thursday. I got an ancient Christian
solider symbol called the labarum.
Anyway so on Friday I'm dealing with the pain,
and the remorse of scaring my body and the
disappointment of it being exactly what I asked for,
and I meet Demetri.
I mean I met him on Monday at church. I noticed
him on the very first Sunday. My first impression
pretty much sums it up... I thought well either
he's crazy and homeless or he's an artist. He
had paint all over his pants and like 4 layers of
fleece. His hair is shoulder length and brown
with big curls. He's tall and slender. The wrinkles
around his eyes show not age, but experience.
He just stands out. He's very friendly and positive
and that can mean meds or Jesus.
Monday at church he was cleaning up around the
area I had been sitting, and he asked if the cups
and things were trash. I said yes and before
I left he had told me he saw a quality person in
me and I had invited him to my birthday party
for the next night.
He came, as did 2 other people from the church
(and all of my friends and family from this area),
and it was interesting. I have never felt less
of a presence from someone and noticed them
more.
He asked if I wanted to hang out and said he'd
like to be friends and I said we were friends and
sure, give me a call. The other 2 people there
from the church are pastors and were glad
to see him, so I thought how great, these people
take care of their crazy homeless. They get it
too. I had realized by then that he is
homeless because when he came in the door he
was wearing a backpack with a tarp and bed
roll attached. I still wondered about the crazy
part, but was glad to bless him with warmth and
company and good beer.
Now let me say here that I am not afraid nor put
off by nor sit in judgment of 'crazy.' I use it to
mean emotionally or chemicaly unstabel and
know that there are a host of reasons a person
becomes that. I consider all people worthy of
love and respect and my brothers and sisters
I am commaded to bless.
That being said, I was soon to find out that
Demetri is in no way 'crazy,' in fact quite
the opposite. He's the most sane breath of
fresh air I have ever met.
He called me yesterday, during my convalessing
due to the tattoo trauma, and came over. I
swear to you if I have my way I will write it
all down, all of the things he told me, and it
will either be a movie or a really good story to
read. His family history is the American
immigrant story and his story is so wild
it made me feel excited and confused and
challenged. I can still hardly believe all of the
things and places and faces he has seen.
My head swims right now trying to even
remeber all that he said.
I realized at some point that he is the male
version of me in so many ways. We are both 37.
Born in 1970. We speak truth and love and realize
it's God that inspires us to do so. We love travel
and praise and people. We both usually eat later
in the day and love to walk and run. We have
strong family ties, we have family in California and
his sister, like mine, lives here in Tacoma. He likes
good beer. It has been 7 years exactly since
either of us have had a relationship, but even in all
of the similarity I also realized that he is so far
beyond me. I honestly felt that following him
through Starbucks I was walking behind a rabbi.
People want him to see them. They gaze at him
like he is glowing. They listen while he talks and
he never fails to mention Christ. With a kindness
that makes people want to admit they are
Christians too. He says amen all the time and
not in a way that draws attention to himself. I
can not explain what I saw. I can tell you that it
was like being in someone's presence. God's.
He hung out with me the rest of the afternoon
and then into the evening with Jen and
Stella and by 10 o'clock when we dropped him
off I was exhausted and irritated. He had
disrupted by comfort and my new found
plans with his wild tales of adventure
and travel and love and people. He has thrown
a wrench into my feeling of security and
controll. He has held a mirror up to me and
shown me what is possible.
I went to bed with my tattoo throbbing and
my heart heavy. His stories made my spirit
feel airborne. A sense of soaring and freedom
I have never felt surrounded me when he
talked. Lying there in bed my plans for the
future made me feel fat and content.
This morning I realize how fascinating this all
is and how blow me away God is and I have
no idea what will happen next.
I came here with decisions to make and I
made them without all of the info.
This new piece causes me to pause and
consider further. (Argh!!!)
I'm scared.
Pray that God will protect my heart and mind
and that only the doors He opens will I go
through.
I am at a crossroads and God and Demetri
and I all know it. God has interupted me.
Like Scott Bowen taught me to, I told Him
He could.

a great present

So yesterday was my 37th birthday. I got up late and
then got dressed and Jen and I walked down to the
Starbucks by the ocean. It's down the 30th street hill
which is a very steep hill that runs for about half a mile
or more. Then we walked up it. It's quite the task.
Just after beginning the walk up I realized that I needed
to pace myself here. Jen had gotten out ahead of me and
the competitor in me wanted to keep up if not pass
her. I have walked this before, she hadn't, and I know
my limits. If I go more quickly now I will run out of steam
before I get to the top and then the half mile to the
house after that will really suck.
This was the first of many times yesterday where I was so
present in the moment I was able to make a self aware
choice that suited me. It may not sound like a big deal
unless you know that this is a first for me. My mind was
right where my body was, not in the past or future.
I know myself and my limitations and boundaries.
And I love who I am and want to make choices that
allow me to experience this joyous life, including that
moment.
So I did. I kept a steady pace and 2 blocks from the top
Jen slowed way down (I passed her) and I made it
to the top with plenty of energy left to jog the rest
of the way home. (I didn't though, but I could have:))
There were a few more opportunities during the day that
a few weeks ago I would have done differently, and that
choice would have pulled me out of the moment and
left me with a heavy feeling the rest of the day.
They were all decisions that not only benefited me
in a non-selfish way, but also brought to light the
awareness that I am fully present in my life for the
first time. I am attached to each moment and working
from a place of restoration and freedom and
acceptance.
WOW! Yeah, I know, it's big.
The whole day I felt peace and joy and in the evening
we had family and old friends and new friends and
great food and my favorite beers and the best
present I have ever gotten was the God given ability
to BE present.
Like Amy Brown said when I told her,
"Yeah!!! Finally!"
My sentiments exactly!

On the eve of my 37th birthday i use this green because it
is my favorite color and i share with you some observations.
Last week after running down the ravine i walked across the
street to the ocean. There i saw a female seagull floating near
the rocky cliff i was overlooking. i surprised her and she
swam out a little to get a better look at me, friend or foe kind
of thing. i said hello, really i did, i said it out loud, and after
a minute she resumed her search for a snack.
As i watched her i took notice of the many different shades
of brown her feathers were. i observed how she gracefully
floated over the waves and guided herself in the current.
She pecked at some sea kelp that was attached to a rock
and went on her way.
In a moment of revelation i realized that in comparison to
the other birds say eagles, or even in comparison to the
other seagulls, she was plain. She was brown, not grey
and blue and black like the male of her species. She is
full bodied and round, unlike the streamlined body of an
eagle. She's just a seagull, most people here hate them,
she doesn't soar, she doesn't migrate, she doesn't have
a beautiful song.
In comparison, she is less than.
I loved her. I thought she was beautiful and I admired
all of her abilities that made her what she is.
I realized that I am not good at some things.
I am good at a lot of things that make me what I am.
Spending time 'in comparison' has had me focused on
my flaws and faults and stolen the joy of experiencing
my gifts.
I was in that same place today. The seagull wasn't there
but 2 ladies walked by with strollers. i assumed their
judgment of me and judged in return. All of this took
less than one second and then I realized...
I am not in competition with the other beings on this
planet. I am in cahoots with them.
I am ok. Everything is ok. Even when it's not, it is.
I smiled at the ladies.
They hadn't even noticed me.

"Most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never
feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."
This line is the last line spoken by Baby to Johnny before she
is no longer a baby.
I grew up with movies like Dirty Dancing and Pretty in Pink and
the movies that put romance before sex. There is a feeling of
heat and excitement and passion and love. These movies made
my young heart fill with emotion, and unfortunately they made
me think this was part of life.
I fully expected to be swept off of my feet by a beautiful man
who was not good enough for me but who was so full of life
and passion that it would be enough to sustain us forever.
This is not what happened to me.
And it makes me sad.
When Jennifer Gray says that to Patrick Swayze I feel that fear.
The fear that this moment will stop and real life will flood
back and steal that feeling and you'll never have it again.
I feel the womanly heart in me longing for that moment that
fills every sense and allows your mind just stop. It takes you to
a place where all you do is feel the physical bliss because you have
trusted your heart and you body to someone.
It's steamy.
It's passion.
It's only in the movies.

I went to church tonight

You know at first it was such a surprise to me that
when I went to church the pastor seemed to have
had bugs put in my house. He somehow got in
and placed hidden microphones throughout, and
was listening to everything I said. The sermons
always hit me exactly where I was at the moment.
I think out of all of the messages I have heard, and
this is seven years very consistently, I remember 2
times that I got little from what was coming from
the pulpit.
Tonight I was so tired and had been on the go all
day. I also have begun to feel like at any moment
the flu is going to slap me right across the face and
take me down for a week. I did not want to go to
church and at this juncture in my walk I know
exactly what that means... GO!
I did and I tell you what the music started and I
didn't recognize it, and I know Christian
music, and it refreshed my soul. The third song in
I knew this guy had written it and it was blowing
me away!
Then the pastor started talking about my life and
confirming everything I was doing and feeling.
He had a short video to play and it was set to One
by U2 and up came the brown faces. Then the
black faces, and the shrouded Muslim ones, and
then foreign landscapes and bring on the tears.
I do not cry for them, but for me. My heart aches
for them and it craves the time to see them.
Several years ago God told me I was called to
missions. Today I said I would go and asked
simply to not go alone.

The wind is really howling today. Especially on the second
floor of this ancient house. The windows rattle with each
gust that blows by reminding us of the winter season at
hand. I don't know if it's cabin fever or my recently
realized desire for a routine, but I feel on edge.
I am daily reminding myself of the perpetual 'grass is
always greener' thorn in my side to allow myself the
enjoyment of each moment, and still there is a feeling
of restlessness.
Several weeks ago someone commented on one of my
blogs that at some point in this adventure I would start
to have the thought, "Oh. I forgot how good this feels."
I assumed it would be about things here that I don't
get to do at home. Like run in the woods, and breathe
in the ocean air, and take Stella to school, and have
coffee with my mom.
I have discovered other things entirely.
I miss solitude. I miss endless hours of quiet time
only disturbed by my music or my voice if I want.
I forgot how great it was to have my own agenda
based on my interests and my friends.
I forgot how great it is to be surrounded by a group
of people so big it qualifies as a community.
I never realized how great it is to have a community
of very different people whom you love like family.
I forgot I love my family.
I forgot how much I love having plans and places
I'm expected to be.
I forgot how much I love having freedom for
spontaneity.
I didn't know I loved being accountable for the
important things and also doing what ever the hell
I want.
In finding freedom to love my life I find freedom
to enjoy this experience. I guess underneath we
all knew I was going to decide if I was moving to
Washington or not. I have wanted to be a bigger
part of the lives of the people I love here, and now
I have been.
I realize that a lot of the things I miss are parts
of being single and without kids. I have wondered
if the constant chatter would bother me less if it
were my kid... not sure. I wonder if it were my
husband that were around everyday and not my
sister would it matter? I don't know.
I do know that I love every one of you and am
missing you very much right now.
I also know that for now Oklahoma is where I
live, and I forgot how good that feels.

Today I noticed that other people were having a bad
day. I have been considering what makes a bad day
for me and have realized that my thought patterns
have made every day a bad day in some way. The
most prominent being that the nagging, negative,
nuisance robs me of enjoyment.
Having discovered this some days ago in the midst
of a hands down royally bad day I have been freed
somehow of this. Not only has the specific situation
begun to clear up, but I just don't seem to be weighted
down by it or the thought of what is coming next.
I think I have lived from one crisis to another and
possibly created some of them to feed the monster
of comfort and old habit. Being afraid to stay on
top of my finances being a biggie.
Right after I got here I was flooded one evening with
several ideas and questions that I could flesh out into
a book. One of them was, "Why bother?" Why bother
to be a Christian I mean.
Seeing these other people today struggle with issues
and understanding the fear and pain I felt moved.
As I am being freed of the sadness and anxiety of
letting my emotions run me into a hopeless place I
realize that if I did not have a relationship with each
individual of the Trinity I would be consumed again.
I would not have worked through some darkness
that kept me tied to ignorance and I would not at
that moment have been experiencing freedom
which can only be brought about through the
peace that passes understanding.
I did not feel sorry for them, I felt desperate for them.
I felt their emptiness that comes from having no
where to go, no one to turn to, no hope that my
life is at best a reflection of something greater and
at worst the life of a loved child.
Tonight I tucked my Stella Grace into bed and prayed
over her. My circumstances tonight are great and I
feel them weightlessly without any dread knocking
In what can be the long process of healing it is easy
to get tot he pont of 'why bother.'
This is why I bother.
This is why He bothers.

His ways are higher

I was thinking today about writing. I love it. I always
have. I love reading. I love all the shapes and sizes
the written word comes in: poems, letters, novels,
short stories, informative, entertaining, compelling etc...
I was also thinking about how I am only ok when my
circumstances are ok. That I'm happy if things are
going the way I want. If these are not so, my attitude
suffers, as do the people around me.
I imagined Paul. His life was full of pain and suffering.
He wrote most of the new testament and shared the
news of salvation for the gentiles (us).
If things were the way I want them,
I would have nothing to write and my faith would be
about an inch deep.

Today I thank God for my sister.

She is my support.

She considers the calling on

my life greater than her own,

and when I see myself retreating

from the battle,

I see her charging ahead of me,

sword drawn.

She would carry my armor.

She extends her hand when I fall.

She will be there for the final victory.

Her name is Jennifer and

we are more than just sisters.

We are soldiers in a fox hole,

we are friends who do not judge,

we are brides of the King.

ah martha

Well I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.
I hope you were well fed and thankful for it.
I was. I ate my fill while being surrounded by
my family, and then I took a nap.
I realized something about myself too...
I'm Martha. You know in the story of the
two sisters who have Jesus over for dinner, Mary
and Martha. One of them is rushing around the
kitchen worrying about the food and making sure
everything is done at the same time and that
the house is clean. The other is just sitting with
Jesus and talking. When Martha asks Jesus to tell
her sister to help her out Jesus says that Mary
has chosen well. Meaning that what was
important was to enjoy the presence of the
Savior, not worry about what He thinks of
her house.
I always pictured myself as a Mary type. Surely
I would be so deep in spiritual conversation with
Jesus that I wouldn't even notice there was work
to be done.
Thanksgiving day proved me a Martha for sure!
My schedule got thrown off by not being able to
get in the bathroom in time, and in the middle
of prep work my sister had apparently run off to
the store. She also did not have many of the
utensils I needed to prepare the dishes I was
responsible for. She warned me to shape up my
attitude. I tried.
I never relaxed though. Even when it was all
done and it was so good and my immediate
family, who is never together, were all around
the table, I just wasn't there. Then everyone
fell asleep and I went to my room for a nap
and when I came down it was over.
I have control issues. I wonder if they
influenced Martha's life choices as much as
they seem to have influenced mine.

control = fear of failure = pride