Well since most of you who read this are either part of my email
or myspace group you already know what's going on here.
It's so strange to be in this place finally. I have discussed and
prayed and dreamed of how it would be and I, of course, never
imagined it like this.
There are still so many unanswered questions, but unlike my
past experiences I am not finding it hard to rest in the lack of
control I am feeling. It's such a place of dependence that I really
don't have much of a choice and I feel that, for me, I couldn't do
it any other way.
I couldn't get to complete surrender if I still made my own plans
for each day.
I couldn't get to complete dependence if I had a job that
provides security and safety.
I couldn't get to complete trust if I had health insurance and a
401k.
So for as strange as it feels this is it for me. My flesh is getting
used to all the changes, my spirit is miles ahead.
Something interesting I realized today is that I have been hung up
on, among other things, having to do this by myself. I mean
traveling to distant lands or even here in the states is not something
I felt as a woman I could do alone.
To add to the issue I have met someone who's own path with God
is so similar to mine that I considered whether or not he was
the one to keep me from going alone. Today I realized I don't
care either way.
I mean I am a little afraid to go alone. I am also a little afraid that
if I don't I will miss something. Like the ability to be alone in a
strange land. Or the freedom to hear His voice for myself and to
respond to it. The strength and courage of this season comes
from just that I think. And the opportunity to write my own story
instead of somebodyelse's.
It makes me nervous to think this way but again it also brings me
peace.
This space I am in has also brought me something I have been
desiring for many years now. The ability to be present fully
in every moment and to appreciate everything in it. If you have
your whole day planned down to each minute, when that gets
interrupted it is irritating. When you are struggling to control
your environment and things happen that you did not plan for, it
pulls the rug out from underneath you. When you are trying to
figure out tomorrow, you miss today.
I was beginning to wonder if I just had unreal expectations for
'being in the moment.'
Today I realize if your are dependent on someone other than
yourself for each moment, to define and order, and fill each
moment, you are very in it.
When you don't know how long you will be in a place you find
yourself enjoying everything more. When you don't know
when you will see a person again you find yourself, instead of
getting irritated, loving even the things that get on your nerves.
When you don't know how you will stay warm or get fed, you
are so thankful to find those needs met.
I know it's a lot. It is for me too.
So tonight I go to sleep with all of these feeling and I wait
for the sun to rise tomorrow and bring new things.
I have no idea what they will be. And it surprises me to say
that I am ok with that.
I love you all.