The wind is really howling today. Especially on the second
floor of this ancient house. The windows rattle with each
gust that blows by reminding us of the winter season at
hand. I don't know if it's cabin fever or my recently
realized desire for a routine, but I feel on edge.
I am daily reminding myself of the perpetual 'grass is
always greener' thorn in my side to allow myself the
enjoyment of each moment, and still there is a feeling
of restlessness.
Several weeks ago someone commented on one of my
blogs that at some point in this adventure I would start
to have the thought, "Oh. I forgot how good this feels."
I assumed it would be about things here that I don't
get to do at home. Like run in the woods, and breathe
in the ocean air, and take Stella to school, and have
coffee with my mom.
I have discovered other things entirely.
I miss solitude. I miss endless hours of quiet time
only disturbed by my music or my voice if I want.
I forgot how great it was to have my own agenda
based on my interests and my friends.
I forgot how great it is to be surrounded by a group
of people so big it qualifies as a community.
I never realized how great it is to have a community
of very different people whom you love like family.
I forgot I love my family.
I forgot how much I love having plans and places
I'm expected to be.
I forgot how much I love having freedom for
spontaneity.
I didn't know I loved being accountable for the
important things and also doing what ever the hell
I want.
In finding freedom to love my life I find freedom
to enjoy this experience. I guess underneath we
all knew I was going to decide if I was moving to
Washington or not. I have wanted to be a bigger
part of the lives of the people I love here, and now
I have been.
I realize that a lot of the things I miss are parts
of being single and without kids. I have wondered
if the constant chatter would bother me less if it
were my kid... not sure. I wonder if it were my
husband that were around everyday and not my
sister would it matter? I don't know.
I do know that I love every one of you and am
missing you very much right now.
I also know that for now Oklahoma is where I
live, and I forgot how good that feels.