So I'm realizing that as my relationship with
God becomes more intimate it also becomes
more real. It seems to be in me instead of
around me.
I know we all agree that as Christians we have
the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, but I think
that leaves us feeling like God and Jesus are
outside. Up in heaven. Removed by the distance
of our skin.
(speaking of skin... tattoo update. it hurts!)
I mean that until now, which has felt very real
and complete to me, I have depended on a
feeling of joy or praise or comfort that came
from a source outside of myself. It was brought
on by singing or reading or praying.
I said a few weeks ago that my way of receiving
from God was changing. I didn't feel swept
away by the music. I hadn't felt relieved of
burden by prayer. I hadn't been made strong in
my weakness. It is scary.
It turned right away to doubt, but not like, "I
doubt if You exist." More like, "There are so
versions of You I feel interested."
I have always hated the idea that I have to
believe that my way is the only way and all
others are going to hell. Now I know a lot
of religions believe in my God, they don't believe
in Jesus. Others believe in other Gods. And
still others have no higher being.
I have felt for a long time that what I believed
was the infallible word of God and He is
the only God and it's His way or the highway.
To me now, that sounds like it comes from a
place of control which is based in fear.
So it's a weird place here.
I am questioning things and it's good to do that.
And I wonder if a person can be so surrendered
to God that the source no longer is outside of
them, but in them? That the things that used to
be my only source of connection to God are now
only part of it, and not even the part that brings
intimacy. Has my relationship with Him become
who I am, not what I am?
It has lost it's place as my religion. It is not
longer something I do because it makes me
feel better. He is not just my resource for the
coping mechanisms I need to get through.
He is everything. I am in Him and He is in me.
The only thing that remains external is what
He and I do with my environment.
Hmmm.