Today I noticed that other people were having a bad
day. I have been considering what makes a bad day
for me and have realized that my thought patterns
have made every day a bad day in some way. The
most prominent being that the nagging, negative,
nuisance robs me of enjoyment.
Having discovered this some days ago in the midst
of a hands down royally bad day I have been freed
somehow of this. Not only has the specific situation
begun to clear up, but I just don't seem to be weighted
down by it or the thought of what is coming next.
I think I have lived from one crisis to another and
possibly created some of them to feed the monster
of comfort and old habit. Being afraid to stay on
top of my finances being a biggie.
Right after I got here I was flooded one evening with
several ideas and questions that I could flesh out into
a book. One of them was, "Why bother?" Why bother
to be a Christian I mean.
Seeing these other people today struggle with issues
and understanding the fear and pain I felt moved.
As I am being freed of the sadness and anxiety of
letting my emotions run me into a hopeless place I
realize that if I did not have a relationship with each
individual of the Trinity I would be consumed again.
I would not have worked through some darkness
that kept me tied to ignorance and I would not at
that moment have been experiencing freedom
which can only be brought about through the
peace that passes understanding.
I did not feel sorry for them, I felt desperate for them.
I felt their emptiness that comes from having no
where to go, no one to turn to, no hope that my
life is at best a reflection of something greater and
at worst the life of a loved child.
Tonight I tucked my Stella Grace into bed and prayed
over her. My circumstances tonight are great and I
feel them weightlessly without any dread knocking
In what can be the long process of healing it is easy
to get tot he pont of 'why bother.'
This is why I bother.
This is why He bothers.