it's 5 am!

Often God has to wake me at what normally would be
obscene hours for me in order to get me to listen.
This morning is one of those mornings. It doesn't
get anymore obscene that 5 a.m.
I have been awake since 4. My stomach was hurting.
Not a surprise since the last few bites of Stella's cheese
cake, which I ate after I ate my piece, felt like too much.
But, I also have been feeling very distant from Jesus
this last week so I laid here in bed, and opened my
ears and heart.
The conversation started with my confessing that
I knew He didn't want me to get this tattoo, and that
I did it anyway and I was sorry, but I could not believe
that He was holding it against me and it was separating
me from Him. In the matter of a few moments, in which
my brow was so furrowed I could feel it, I came to
understand that the tattoo was not the issue, it was
the worshipfulness of my body it displayed.
I do not embody the body of what we would normally
consider one who worships their body. I am not ripped
or stacked or built like a 'brick house.'
I am obsessed and always have been with my weight
and how it causes others to treat me. Even while I have
been here it has pervaded my motivation to run in the
woods, and I love that. It taints my passion for that.
That separates me from God, not the tattoo.
Ya know I often have feared the desert places. He
also uses the wilderness for the same analogy, but
I don't fear the wilderness, so I go with that hot,
nasty desert. There are several songs that use that
imagery along with the cry "how long Lord?" How long
will you let me be in this place?
I am more confident tonight than ever that we are
solely responsible for the time in and duration of our
stays on those places removed from Him.
EVERYONE! You don't have a sleep disorder!
You don't have restless leg syndrome!
You are not anxious or depressed.
YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!
You are also not stranded in the desert for "He will
never leave you nor forsake you." Period!
I knew tonight that for Him to be holding holding
a grudge because I got a tattoo, even though I felt
Him give me peace not to get it, would be against His
character. That meant it was something deeper
and even though I hate 5 a.m. I made time to listen.
Discovering, or I guess becoming involved in (because
I already knew there was imbalance here), the
idea of worshiping myself led me to see many things.
I can't be uncomfortable physically like being cold
or hot or in pain without it making me emotionally
unhappy.
I can't love a man with small hands (or whatever)
because I have decided I like the opposite.
I can't find a balance in my food and body image
because what really matters is how people see me.
It is the most selfish thing I have ever heard.
It keeps me from being gentle with myself and others.
It keeps my in a place of judgement of myself
and others.
It keeps me at a distance from God and that keeps
me from feeling truly accepted and loved.
That is what was hurting my stomach tonight.
Not the cheese cake.

P.S.
(For those of you concerned, though none of you
said I felt it too, about my doubt about Him being
the only way... He said it and I believe it (to quote
a horrible summer camp saying). I do not however
presume to be the judge of what is right for anyone
other than myself. I do not cling to the idea that
I am right as to make myself feel superior or
safe. People will come to Jesus through the Father,
not through my insistence they are wrong if
they don't. I will be used by God to reveal His
patience and grace and mercy, just like Jesus
told me to.)

Usually I feel better after this kind of moment.
I don't feel better right now...