what on earth?

What on earth is going on here? I have felt since
becoming a Christ follower I had a different path.
Different than my family and most of the people I
know. Everyone around me has agreed this is true,
and it put me in a place to make decisions that
don't usually make sense to the world.
I've been ok, eventually, with each of those choices
and felt God's presence very strongly in them.
Today I am in a place to make another one that
doesn't make sense, and again I feel unsure.
Not in my spirit, I have complete peace there, but
in my heart and head I want something else.
I say I want something else, but the something else
is safe and comfortable, and I think that has a lot to
do with why I want it.
My imagination has been running wild since I met
Demitri. It was only a few days before I met him
that I asked God to not ask me to go out alone. So
of course when I met him I was excited by all of his
stories, but it goes deeper than that now.
After I got past my Midwestern, American judgement
of him I began to love him. I felt from day one that
he was fascinating and so loving, and I started dating
him in my head without any provocation from him.
I was going on and on one night and Jen said I
should stop that and just be friends. I was like, "oh
yeah, duh."
So I considered him as an amazing addition to my
community and left it at that. It hasn't stayed there.
He came to a Christmas party we invited him to at
Tasha and Tom's and I couldn't help but love that he
was there with me, all others being paired up. His
actions toward me gave others reason to question his
feelings for me. They wondered if he was in love with
me and even went as far as to ask if we were getting
married.
I feel sad today because I haven't seen him in a few
days, and have gotten used to having him around.
I have no idea what I feel, nor do I have a clue to his
feelings. All I know is that I may not be coming home
in Jan. and feel like I should go forward not back and
this makes me sad because I love my home and all of you,
and weird because I have no idea where to go.
I know most of this sounds lame, but it's how I'm
feeling and if I don't get it out it will pull me from
enjoying these last precious days here with Jen and
Stella.
So endure my girlish fantasies, and if you have any
word for me pray diligently about it, and then
give it to me.