it's funny how things change.
how we change.
i think this is the focus for my first
book. actually, the way we refuse
to change.
according to His will and direction.
often it is too painful and too dark
and we run.
sometimes we seek and seek and
we never find the right tools to help.
i sit here as living proof that if
you let Him... you can change.
i feel balanced in a time of uncertianty
and change. and that is a miracle.
balance does not mean everything is
comfortable or that i have answers
about what tomorrow holds.
i do know that if i get to wake up
i'm going to lunch with my mom and
i'm looking forward to it and 2 weeks
ago that would not have been the case.
balance is being healed and having
relationships restored and all i did
was to heed His advice.
balance is having one of those thorns
come up AGAIN and it makes you want
to puke, but only for a minute, and
then instead of losing sleep, you let
it go.
balance is allowing yourself the time
to crash and lie on your face and then
allowing Him to lift you up and give you
the energy to carry on with a light heart.
balance is having dreams and hoping in
them and continuing with everyday as if
you were already living your dream.
balance is having people who know you
encourage you and listen to you groan
and then pray for your joy and peace.
from the first entry here until today
these things read like a roller coaster.
i guess that is part of the balance.

ah well. it's another day and my shoulder has been
hurting for like a month now and the money from the
holidays is running low and all of my dreams and hopes
are on the verge of coming true-
or disappearing before my eyes.
fatalistic? no. burned? yes.
i just wish that it made sense to me. the reason for
the trials. i comprehend the necessity for them, it's
just my heart and mind want things and i know i have
this amazing connection to the creator of everything
and still i just can't let loose the reigns.
(that metaphor is for you d)
i can't seem to love each day no matter what it holds
and let tomorrow happen as it will and leave yesterday
in the past.
the same stupid things from yesterday pop up over and
over.
i can't sit in today and not try and figure out what to
do tomorrow.
when i got here i was in a great place of peace and
excitement and i felt very confident in my skin.
today i feel restless and afraid and unsure of who i am
and how on earth i'm gonna get where i want to be.
it's such a roller coaster and i don't feel designed to
take all of the ups and downs.
i also feel like something less terrifying would suck
the life out of me.
if the 9 to 5 job crushes my spirit
and so does the adventurous unknown...
what then?
i feel paralyzed.
pray for me.

What is it to pour your heart out?
I am at an uncomfortable place right now and
instead of asking God to take away the things
that are making me uncomfortable, I'm simply
pouring my heart out to Him.
The other day Corey told me that God wanted
me to pour my heart out to Him and asked if
what I was holding on to was worth more than
what I might get if I let go.
It all sounded too emotional to deal with so...
I put it off.
And like Dani and I both learned this week,
sometimes it takes something that seems
like bad timing to push you into breaking as
to allow healing.
So a very irritating money issue came up and
I broke.
I had been feeling depressed for a couple of
days and today I told God what I wanted and
what my heart was feeling and I allowed Him
to comfort me.
The situations are not comfortable, but His
ability to listen to me and speak words of
love and concern comforted my soul.
So what did I say?
What do I want?
You'll have to read the book!

It's interesting where I find myself now. Please don't ask
me to tell you where that is. That involves a definition and
I just don't have one. It is beyond my capability to describe
where I am right now.
I felt very centered and on task and purposeful. And then
I had to open my heart and feel, and that has taken my
mind all over the map. Literally and figuratively.
I can tell you that i really like the idea of being at home
right now.
I also know I will be here for at least another day.
A lot of amazing things are happening and I see my
reason for being here coming to fruition every day.
I will have to share them with you in hindsight as the
idea of writing about them now just doesn't feel right.
I love you guys.

It's funny how we can pick up a tone of voice through
the written word.
I have gotten several messages from people reading this
that celebrate my happiness, and I don't remember being
especially happy when I wrote what they responded to.
I guess maybe I don't understand or I think I even dislike
the word happy.
My Dad has told me many times; when being confronted
by my judgemental allegations that our family was full
of the most unhappy Christians I had ever met, that
happiness was not a goal for a Christian, nor was it a guarantee
that the life of a Christian would be a happy one. So I guess
my view of it is tainted. (I should say here that I disagree
with my Dad based on the fact that depression and anxiety
are most certainly not an exchange for happiness in the
life of a Christian.)
I discovered on my own that happiness, while temporal and
worldly, had a supernatural counterpart - joy.
I heard but never experienced until recently, that joy was
mine no matter how I was feeling! I believed this to be
true, but I think most Christians believe it and I don't see
it a lot in our lives.
Most of you know a lot of my story and you know how hard
and fast things move for me. The lessons and tests never
seem to let up, and we have all watched as God made great
strides and went to great lengths to bring me down this
healing path.
Lately, even though I don't feel happy there is an underlying
peace and appreciation for my life and all that it contains
on a daily basis.
I attribute this to the muscle building He and I have done
in the area of trust. Now that I do really trust He has my
best interest at heart it is something I live, this knowing
that no matter what I'm feeling my emotions are not
the indicator of how I am. They are also not the only thing
to base my assessment of a situation on.
I still worry. I still have anxiety about stuff. I may even
lose sleep if it's really upsetting me.
However, I now firmly rely on the fact that this to shall
pass and trust that whatever is going to happen is what
is supposed to happen because I listen to and operate in
a constant state of grace provided me by the only being
who has a better view than I do.
I was down at the waterfront again today and when I
got within about 20 feet I could see that it was very choppy.
The wind was really blowing in off the ocean and huge
waves were crashing against the rocks. Giant white caps
charging onto the shore and ending in a drenching spray
of white foamy water.
I thought that I probably wouldn't see those cute birds
there today, the conditions being what they were.
I looked to the left and behind a large cement wall that
is about 10 feet off shore, and 5 feet showing out of
the water, were the birds.
They had found a place that provided some comfort
from the storm, but their situation was still effected
by what was going on in their environment and it was
totally out of their control. What I couldn't see but know
for sure is true... just under the surface, where they
spend most of their time, things were calm .
It's under the water that they find food and that's what
they spend most of the day doing, searching for
nourishment. But, they have to trust that under the
turbulent waves is a place of safety or they wouldn't
even get in the water. And then they would starve to
death.
Draw your own conclusions.

Wow it's been a week already!
i've been in a place that has me writing things
that are not for mass consumption so my
journal is full of things from this last seven days
and i've wanted to write things here, just
hadn't found the words to share it.
so... i am going to write this one last thing
about dimitri because i know everyone is
curious and that will be that.
he has been an amazing and important part
of my time here.
i have learned so much about men and God
and myself through our time together.
i have never met anyone i could see my path
aligning so closely with before.
he leaves tomorrow for several weeks and
as i don't know how long i will be here i may
not see him again. for a while anyway.
i have felt sad and cried thinking about not
having him around and i wondered if i had
given too much of my heart and had become
needy and distracted and what i realized
is that i love deeply so i feel deeply and that
is who i am. if i move 100 times i will cry when
i leave every time and that is because i will
have fallen in love with the people and that
is what i do. that is what He built me for.
i have never felt so safe and so healed to be
able to be myself and be honest and transparent
with a man and with him i was.
it is a great gift God has given me and i love
Him and him for it.
i drove him to his sisters tonight and i laughed
as i pulled up realizing that this had become a
regular part of my life for the last month. i
could never have guessed that all of this would
happen and isn't that always what people say?
we hugged and i kissed his cheek and said,
"go with God my friend," as the cd played
i can't keep my eyes off of you by james blundt
i think and he got out of the car and i drove away.
it was so perfectly romantic and so
dramatic in a lovely way that suits me, and then
i drove down to the ocean and listened to more
love songs and smoked a cigarette.
so- that's it.
tomorrow we are doing a prayer walk around the
neighborhood here with some people from
our missional community and friday visual artists
are coming here to paint and sunday there is
a concert i'm going to in seattle...
I LOVE MY LIFE!
thank you Daddy.

so this is knew

Today I choose purple because it is the color of
royalty and today I have a better understanding
of what that means. Of what it means to be the
daughter of The King. To have self respect and
self love not because of what I do or who I know
or even because of the things I am good at but
because He made me and He loves me and that
in and of itself makes me special and worthy of
respect. Toward myself and from others.
I have most often disrespected myself in the
area of relationships specifically with men. I
have given away my heart and my body to feel
loved and beautiful and valid. I have desired
sexual attention from them above all else and
would lose myself in that space. I would surrender
all of what I was doing or becoming in order to
persue and to please. And the sad part is it
only felt good for a minute and the toll it takes
in the end was always painful and empty.
So I find myself in a new space where this is
concerned and I am daily learning new things
from this healed space. New things about me
and men in general and in how I act and think
and feel.
Finding myself getting to know someone and
not having lustful feelings or the desire to
nail down a definition of the friendship has
allowed me to explore the truth of an appropriate
relationship.
I had a revelation today while I was reading a
book about Paul. It was a scripture I have read
a thousand times and heard a thousand more.
This part of the book wasn't even really detailing
this idea it just mentioned the scripture. I'm not
sure where it is in the bible but it's about wives
submitting yourself to your husbands as to the Lord.
I have 3 times considered not being fiends with my
accountability partner because she asked me a
specific question. The same one all 3 times. She
would ask if I was ready to be married again and
out of fear of it not happening I would quickly
reply yes and then she'd hit me with it. Are you
ready to serve someone else?
My response... F YOU!
I was raised in the 70s by a single mom who would
be considered a feminist and the idea of serving
a man was horrible. The word serve had a lot of
negative connotations and I wanted no part of that.
Since meeting someone that I could actually see
myself spending the rest of my life with I have been
rethinking a lot of stuff and finding myself healed
in areas I was not aware that it had happened.
I have always hoped that I would meet someone
whose path was parallel to mine and we would
continue on it together because we are better
together for the kingdom than apart.
Well I met someone who fits that criteria
and besides all of my usual twisted feeling not
being there I also found a new sense of self.
I had asked that God not make me go out alone
like to Africa or Tibet. I could not see taking that
step alone.
I also have wanted to surrender certain things
to a man, like my finances, but not my whole self.
I think we think we want a man but for what reason?
So I actually felt in the midst of this that I wanted
to do this next season alone as to not miss my
special time of growth with God. If I am with
someone else it will be about them or us and I might
not get all of the experience that would certainly
change me in to an independent and surrendered
individual capable and worthy of marriage. A woman
with my own purpose and strength to try anything.
So to my surprise I was not only willing to go out
alone, even to England, I wanted it.
Then this morning I read that reference.
I realized that coming from a healthy place puts
you in a space to submit yourself to a man that
doesn't take away your growth or plan but it brings
them together. Both continuing on the path God
has you on as individuals and on a new path as
a couple. And this would be submitting my plans
that God has given me to be one with the plans
of my husband. Not letting go of them but seeing
that being 2 as 1 is now part of the plan for me.
If I am sure of who I am in God and I trust this is
the person for me then I am safe to serve him and
Him.
I submit all of my plans to the Lord knowing that
He has my best interest at heart and that He wants
continued growth and peace for me. I allow Him
to interrupt me with things and to take me through
things that change and heal me.
If I submit to my husband like I do to God then
the plans are ours and the path is ours and I
am free to serve him because I am still me in Him.
I'm still getting my head around all of it. It's
such a foreign idea to me right now, but it feels
like home.