so this is knew

Today I choose purple because it is the color of
royalty and today I have a better understanding
of what that means. Of what it means to be the
daughter of The King. To have self respect and
self love not because of what I do or who I know
or even because of the things I am good at but
because He made me and He loves me and that
in and of itself makes me special and worthy of
respect. Toward myself and from others.
I have most often disrespected myself in the
area of relationships specifically with men. I
have given away my heart and my body to feel
loved and beautiful and valid. I have desired
sexual attention from them above all else and
would lose myself in that space. I would surrender
all of what I was doing or becoming in order to
persue and to please. And the sad part is it
only felt good for a minute and the toll it takes
in the end was always painful and empty.
So I find myself in a new space where this is
concerned and I am daily learning new things
from this healed space. New things about me
and men in general and in how I act and think
and feel.
Finding myself getting to know someone and
not having lustful feelings or the desire to
nail down a definition of the friendship has
allowed me to explore the truth of an appropriate
relationship.
I had a revelation today while I was reading a
book about Paul. It was a scripture I have read
a thousand times and heard a thousand more.
This part of the book wasn't even really detailing
this idea it just mentioned the scripture. I'm not
sure where it is in the bible but it's about wives
submitting yourself to your husbands as to the Lord.
I have 3 times considered not being fiends with my
accountability partner because she asked me a
specific question. The same one all 3 times. She
would ask if I was ready to be married again and
out of fear of it not happening I would quickly
reply yes and then she'd hit me with it. Are you
ready to serve someone else?
My response... F YOU!
I was raised in the 70s by a single mom who would
be considered a feminist and the idea of serving
a man was horrible. The word serve had a lot of
negative connotations and I wanted no part of that.
Since meeting someone that I could actually see
myself spending the rest of my life with I have been
rethinking a lot of stuff and finding myself healed
in areas I was not aware that it had happened.
I have always hoped that I would meet someone
whose path was parallel to mine and we would
continue on it together because we are better
together for the kingdom than apart.
Well I met someone who fits that criteria
and besides all of my usual twisted feeling not
being there I also found a new sense of self.
I had asked that God not make me go out alone
like to Africa or Tibet. I could not see taking that
step alone.
I also have wanted to surrender certain things
to a man, like my finances, but not my whole self.
I think we think we want a man but for what reason?
So I actually felt in the midst of this that I wanted
to do this next season alone as to not miss my
special time of growth with God. If I am with
someone else it will be about them or us and I might
not get all of the experience that would certainly
change me in to an independent and surrendered
individual capable and worthy of marriage. A woman
with my own purpose and strength to try anything.
So to my surprise I was not only willing to go out
alone, even to England, I wanted it.
Then this morning I read that reference.
I realized that coming from a healthy place puts
you in a space to submit yourself to a man that
doesn't take away your growth or plan but it brings
them together. Both continuing on the path God
has you on as individuals and on a new path as
a couple. And this would be submitting my plans
that God has given me to be one with the plans
of my husband. Not letting go of them but seeing
that being 2 as 1 is now part of the plan for me.
If I am sure of who I am in God and I trust this is
the person for me then I am safe to serve him and
Him.
I submit all of my plans to the Lord knowing that
He has my best interest at heart and that He wants
continued growth and peace for me. I allow Him
to interrupt me with things and to take me through
things that change and heal me.
If I submit to my husband like I do to God then
the plans are ours and the path is ours and I
am free to serve him because I am still me in Him.
I'm still getting my head around all of it. It's
such a foreign idea to me right now, but it feels
like home.