here we are with purple again.
you know what that means...
royal revelations!
so one day while talking with dimitri i shared
how sickening it was to be constantly looking
for 'the one' and trying on every guy, and i mean
every, in a mental game of 'could it be him?'
as i said this i felt sick to my stomach.
literally. he even asked "really?" when i said i
could throw up. i almost did.
not only is it desperate, but so sad.
sad that there is this hole in my life that will be
constantly nagging at me until it is filled with a
man. keeping me from living my dreams at this
moment and holding me hostage in some absurd
game of relationship poker. who has the best
'hand' and does he like what my 'hand' looks like
in this shirt?
so i've been playing around with the idea that i
may have met 'him' and even allowed myself to
hope (which i never do) for a future of grand
adventure and love perfectly suited to me. and
the part of it that has opened me up to love and
hope in that area is good...
the desire for that still makes me nauseaus.
so last night our artist group met here at jen's
and there are a couple of guys i adore in it and
we started talking about all of this stuff. love and
relationships and all.
a very wise kenny shared this with me.
he said that he could see how it would be harder
for women because guys get to decide when they
get married and then they go out and chose.
women just kind of have to wait for it to happen to
them.
i was so angry! that is the victim mentality that
has kept women oppressed for centuries. and
the one's who fought it turned it into a feminist
thing and tried to make us men which only made
things worse.
so again i was faced with calling out a lie.
that i am uninvloved in the chosing and destined to
wait on the man's decision to chose, or not chose, me.
that is a lie. and i believed it with everything in me.
then kenny topped it off by reminding me that what
my heart is really built to desire is relationship with
God and that my desire has been misplaced by a
society who puts too great an importance on
marriage by a certian age, and sex, and does not
at all understand solitude or the spirit.
i have always know this, but last night after calling out
the lie- i could see the truth.
i have been trying to settle for a relationship that
will never be as romantic and full and deep as the one
i can have with my creator
and i was doing it because i felt i had no say so and
that i had to just wait for it to happen to me.
as i walked down the street today i considered that
if i saw 'him' coming toward me,
i might just keep walking.
that's being impowered.