Today I noticed that other people were having a bad
day. I have been considering what makes a bad day
for me and have realized that my thought patterns
have made every day a bad day in some way. The
most prominent being that the nagging, negative,
nuisance robs me of enjoyment.
Having discovered this some days ago in the midst
of a hands down royally bad day I have been freed
somehow of this. Not only has the specific situation
begun to clear up, but I just don't seem to be weighted
down by it or the thought of what is coming next.
I think I have lived from one crisis to another and
possibly created some of them to feed the monster
of comfort and old habit. Being afraid to stay on
top of my finances being a biggie.
Right after I got here I was flooded one evening with
several ideas and questions that I could flesh out into
a book. One of them was, "Why bother?" Why bother
to be a Christian I mean.
Seeing these other people today struggle with issues
and understanding the fear and pain I felt moved.
As I am being freed of the sadness and anxiety of
letting my emotions run me into a hopeless place I
realize that if I did not have a relationship with each
individual of the Trinity I would be consumed again.
I would not have worked through some darkness
that kept me tied to ignorance and I would not at
that moment have been experiencing freedom
which can only be brought about through the
peace that passes understanding.
I did not feel sorry for them, I felt desperate for them.
I felt their emptiness that comes from having no
where to go, no one to turn to, no hope that my
life is at best a reflection of something greater and
at worst the life of a loved child.
Tonight I tucked my Stella Grace into bed and prayed
over her. My circumstances tonight are great and I
feel them weightlessly without any dread knocking
In what can be the long process of healing it is easy
to get tot he pont of 'why bother.'
This is why I bother.
This is why He bothers.

His ways are higher

I was thinking today about writing. I love it. I always
have. I love reading. I love all the shapes and sizes
the written word comes in: poems, letters, novels,
short stories, informative, entertaining, compelling etc...
I was also thinking about how I am only ok when my
circumstances are ok. That I'm happy if things are
going the way I want. If these are not so, my attitude
suffers, as do the people around me.
I imagined Paul. His life was full of pain and suffering.
He wrote most of the new testament and shared the
news of salvation for the gentiles (us).
If things were the way I want them,
I would have nothing to write and my faith would be
about an inch deep.

Today I thank God for my sister.

She is my support.

She considers the calling on

my life greater than her own,

and when I see myself retreating

from the battle,

I see her charging ahead of me,

sword drawn.

She would carry my armor.

She extends her hand when I fall.

She will be there for the final victory.

Her name is Jennifer and

we are more than just sisters.

We are soldiers in a fox hole,

we are friends who do not judge,

we are brides of the King.

ah martha

Well I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.
I hope you were well fed and thankful for it.
I was. I ate my fill while being surrounded by
my family, and then I took a nap.
I realized something about myself too...
I'm Martha. You know in the story of the
two sisters who have Jesus over for dinner, Mary
and Martha. One of them is rushing around the
kitchen worrying about the food and making sure
everything is done at the same time and that
the house is clean. The other is just sitting with
Jesus and talking. When Martha asks Jesus to tell
her sister to help her out Jesus says that Mary
has chosen well. Meaning that what was
important was to enjoy the presence of the
Savior, not worry about what He thinks of
her house.
I always pictured myself as a Mary type. Surely
I would be so deep in spiritual conversation with
Jesus that I wouldn't even notice there was work
to be done.
Thanksgiving day proved me a Martha for sure!
My schedule got thrown off by not being able to
get in the bathroom in time, and in the middle
of prep work my sister had apparently run off to
the store. She also did not have many of the
utensils I needed to prepare the dishes I was
responsible for. She warned me to shape up my
attitude. I tried.
I never relaxed though. Even when it was all
done and it was so good and my immediate
family, who is never together, were all around
the table, I just wasn't there. Then everyone
fell asleep and I went to my room for a nap
and when I came down it was over.
I have control issues. I wonder if they
influenced Martha's life choices as much as
they seem to have influenced mine.

control = fear of failure = pride

I keep wondering what it is that makes you feel at home.
It most definitely involves people, like friends and family,
and comfort, like your stuff, but what else?
The landscape? I mean like lakes and rivers, or mountains
and ocean? Open spaces versus skyscrapers. (i'm psyched i got
to use that word. skyscrapers. ha.)
Warm and balmy or cool and rainy?
And how much do these things factor in to making us feel
welcome?
As I grow into my skin I begin to think that it's not so much
what's gong on outside as it is what's going on inside.
If you have people that love you, they love you no matter
where you are.
If you enjoy being outside, you will go outside no matter what
the details of your surroundings are.
And I'm not sure at all that it matters what you like.
I HATE hot weather! And yet I call Oklahoma home.
I LOVE forested areas! And yet I call Oklahoma home.
My sister is raising my niece in Washington. And yet I...
My Dad got here yesterday, and my mom is down the street,
and my sister is across the hall asleep with my niece, and my
heart morns the loss of that simplicity because the truth is
these worlds are 2000 miles apart. It can never be right.
So I find myself right back where I started.

Today I thank God

for Amy Brown!

Never has there been such a friend.

Through hell and back

we have been,

somebody give this lady a crown

(or a husband)

I stand back and applaud.

I love you.

F%@K! and also the peace that passes understanding

Dude yesterday sucked!
Like I wrote a few days ago I feel like things are changing in the way I receive from Jesus. I also wrote that I had been under attack in some areas.
All hell rained down yesterday in the form of a bounced check! I hate! hate! hate! financial issues! I hate that I still fail at that level! I hate feeling helpless and knowing It's my own fault!
It's a good thing I was already suited up in my full body armor or that might have taken me down. It was a big deal from the get go and when I started trying to deal with it the mess got bigger and bigger. This thing pulled me off course and sent me spinning in the direction of 'this changes everything'.
After I cussed and yelled some...I took a step back and got some perspective. I realized all that had really changed were my circumstances. The lessons and the time and the purpose and the peace are still intact. It feels good and kind of weirds me out. I'm not used to that kind of peace. It's outside of effort.
So are the forgiveness and understanding and humbleness I feel today.

In my skin

There is history here. Blah, blah, blah. We all have our story of insecurity.
Over the past few months I have been ecstatic to learn that with healing comes being comfortable with who I am. In my own skin as it were.
As I become more at ease just being me I see the discomfort of others more easily. Not in a judgmental way, in an, "Oh my! I was not the only one!" kind of way.
In dealing with a difficult situation the other day I reacted to something someone said to me with hurt and anger. I felt unjustly accused and judged. This person questioned my trustworthiness and my dependability.
Over the next few days as i processed how i was feeling, and the facts of the situation, I began to realize something. Even though the situation did not warrant these accusations... they were true nonetheless.
As I fall into the trap of gossip at historical levels - I am not trustworthy.
The fact that I am human - makes me not dependable.
Not things I am proud of, but, I'm ok with it. Because I am ok with me.
I feel like the person acted according to a sense that these things were true. Not true in the situation at hand, but true in general.
I've dug and dug at roots. I have been open and honest and humiliated by what I found.
Now... I am at peace with what's inside.
Healed. Whole. Humble. Fallible. And doing the best I can.

There has been a lot of talk lately of a deeper relationship with Jesus.
A more intimate relationship.
When I think of intimacy I think of married people. Knowing each other's dreams and desires. Sharing common values and goals. Seeing each other first thing in the morning, and being ok with that. Stuff like that.
What is intimacy with God?
I have always felt a certain level of familiarity with Him because He talks to me. I assumed everyone had this experience. When I found out they didn't it made me feel, well special, but also connected to Him.
As He has pursued me, and I Him, there has been a same-ness to the experiences. The way He handles me and ministers to me and blesses me.
There has been a pattern of worship and prayer and pressing in from me to Him.
I'm discovering that to be more intimate means things change.
I mean if allowing someone to fillet your heart and piece it back together isn't the deepest level of intimacy I'm not sure I get it.
I guess that's what I'm getting at. I don't get it. I mean I'm not getting it now.
What used to "work" doesn't feel the same.
What used to comfort no longer does.
What used to draw me close to Him falls short.
I'm kind of surprised I'm not more nervous about it...

it's been a week i know!

I know! It has been a whole week! I was staying with Tom and Tasha and have since moved to my sisters home and I was unable to get on the internet. But it's fixed now, thanks Tom, and we can start again.
I want to thank those of you who shared words of encouragement. I appreciate the feedback and being able to see myself through the eyes of people who love me strengthens my resolve to allow Him to make me more like Him.
This week has been hectic and brought about some surprising conflicts. Ones with my self, I guess between my flesh and spirit, and ones with others.
I have heard from more than one source the seed of wisdom that when you start to press in to your dreams there will be obstacles. The part of that that has always worried me is not the struggle or the obstacles themselves; it's the knowledge that some of the obstacles will be people whom I expected to support and trust me.
It's those left field things that pull you down into fret and anger, and for me, making up speeches in my head in which I cuss them out. (the speeches are also full of valid points of protest.)
It's funny how one day you can read the scripture in 2 Cor. about the war not being against flesh and blood and turn around the next day and someones flesh has cut you and it's all you see, and it takes you three days to realize that you read that passage for a reason. You read it to prepare you for what was going to happen. To hopefully alleviate the stress and strife it would bring. To focus you on what is really going on, that darkness wants to kill you and the flesh of others, while no doubt able to do harm, is not what the battle is about.
I'm still unsure of the balance between expressing your anger when you have been wronged and allowing the Holy Spirit to heal the hurt and extend forgiveness. I am sure though that healing in that area has taken place... I haven't actually delivered any of those scathing speeches in a long time. Now I'm ready to be able to stand up for myself with pure motives and a gracious heart and get my stomach to stop hurting.

Something New

Today I want to start adding something new here. I want to be thankful for the people in my life. (btw, yellow is the color of thankfulness)
I am sitting propped on a bed in a room that rivals any fine hotel suite. It has down blankets, giant whirlpool bathtub, big, flat screen TV with cable. It is the master suite belonging to Tom and Tasha Owen,
They are family friends from my childhood who are more like an extension of my family. I get to stay in this room because Tom has been in Ireland, and they are both is gracious and giving. I could list all day the ways they bless my family, in the past, and currently, but I'm thinking of one day in particular.
It was many years ago now and they were well in to renovating this house. They have fabulous taste and a style that I love. I was visiting here and in the new house for the first time. Tom was showing me the dining room chandelier he was hanging. It is a beautiful antique with like 5 arms and from each rests a ridged, frosted glass shade in an earthy
peach hue. Tom handed me one to look at and I missed it and it fell
and broke. It also cut my hand. He immediately said, "Oh no! Your hand, it's bleeding!" Not, "Oh shit you broke it! It's irreplaceable!" Which is what i was thinking. The energy in the room never changed.
They were calm and concerned for my well being.
It meant more to me than I can say. It modeled grace, and forgiveness, and consideration for me. All of those things were unfamiliar to me then.
They continue that in my life today and every time I see that crack where Tom glued it back together it reminds me of how blessed I am to know them and to witness the grace for others that flows from their lives.
I love you T&T

wow.

So is this blog honest or what?

My last post came from another moment of my fear

and my desire

meeting head on.

I fully realize why I am here in Washington.

I also know what I want to do with my life.

It just seems too easy.

I feel almost spoiled, if the definition of spoiled is

to receive one's hearts desire.

As I sit here in bed this afternoon

doing research and reading my bible

I wonder why it is so hard to accept.

To accept the ease and lightness of the life of a Christian.

Why do we make it about condemnation and strife?

If we truly understood love, even our most feeble human

form of it, couldn't that give us at least a glimpse of what His

truth really is?

As I research the history of my belief system, my life choice,

I find room for doubt.

Doubt that it is the one and only right view of God.

Doubt that the bible is infallible.

Doubt that what I experience as religion is not man made.

Now I have chosen to follow Jesus

and all that that entails as I understand it.

I also embrace the doubt.

I embrace my failures.

I embrace my inability to do what is right.

I do not dwell on them but maybe, just maybe,

this understanding underscores what God has given

me to say

and if more of "us" did it,

it wouldn't make it so hard for "them"

to believe.

Let's Open This Up... Unpack It, If You Will

Ok, I need your help...

Since I am on this journey of discovery,

that, by the way, has me in the most beautiful place,

(the fall leaves are pink, red, orange, yellow, brown)

I have begun to make a list of things I have

been prepared for.

I have discovered my

gifts, talents, and passions before,

and headed in the direction of pursuing them

only to find i was not prepared.

I had not done the preparation work

that would put me in a place to be able to do them.

After the third time this happened,

I began to lose hope that my

heart's desire was known by God.

I have since learned about preparation,

having done the work

and had the experience that puts you in a

place to not only do the thing but

succeed at it.

Hope has returned ten fold

encouraged by His attentiveness

to the healing of my heart and soul

and the freeing of my mind and body.

So...

I know what I know.

I see what I see.

Tell me what you know about the

preparation God has taken me

through.

Tell me what you have seen

in me and the things

you think it has prepared me for.

If you can't comment here

send me an email

jd1970@hotmail.com

love you all so much

Soul Full

I got to do today what; to my surprise, feeds my soul.

I ran in the forest at Point Defiance Park.

I never saw myself as a runner, being that my mother got me excused from having to run the mile in gym class in high school.

It never seemed to agree with my body type.

Several years ago a dear friend and outdoor aficionado,

Adam Brown,took me running at the bike trails near Lake Hefner.

I fell in LOVE!

Today I found myself going off down this small path and there was a huge fallen tree with green moss all over it, and the sun was shining through the forest canopy and I just stoped and cried.

Not an, "Oh God you are so great, this wood is amazing!"

(though He is and it is)

Not an, "I am sad and broken and this is ministering to me!"

(though I have done that there before)

It was an, "I am fully here and there is no noise distracting me and

this clears my head and feeds my soul."

Before I get to pour out fully I have to be able to take in fully.

Today I took in as much as my head, heart, and spirit could handle.

How truly cared for am I?

I'm here. Where is here?

That old saying of no matter where you go there you are...

Lame but true.

For a "runner" like me there has always been this idea in the back of my head that if I was some place else it, and "it" has been a hundred different things, would be better.

If i were in Washington I would feel better about myself because people there are more accepting of you the way you are.

If I were in Oklahoma, following God would be easier and more fulfilling because there is a church on every corner. (meaning that finding strong Christian people to share life with is easier.)

If I were in England everything would be better because I'd be living part of my dream, and wouldn't that certainly bring to life other dreams of a handsome British husband, and plenty of time and inspiration to write a book.

If I were in Honduras life would be easier because I would have found my purpose in the Kingdom, and be fulfilling the calling on my life.

As I sit here in Washington today, with all of my remaining baggage in tact, and the whole world seemingly open to me, I start to feel a pull toward my dreams.

Knowing what I know now about being who you are no matter where you are, I feel able and desirous of my adventurous dreams.

And more uncertain about what those are than ever.