Egads! What does it feel like to feel gifted and compelled and worthy of a voice?!
I tell you it feels like freedom and a little fear.
There are just too many things going on to explain it all, so I will just pick one thing and go with that. What should it be??? How about how I was a prisoner to anger and bitterness all of my life feeling like what I had to say didn't matter, and this stemming from being raped when I was eight years old and used my voice to tell them to stop, and they did it anyway leaving me feeling rage, and being unable to express it began a pattern of negative, hate filled dialogue in my head that continued on for 30 years stealing my ability to feel my life and any joy.
Yeah, like I said, Egads!
Now try this on for size.
Over the past 10 years, with the loving hand of God as my guide, I have been peeling back layer after layer of fear, addiction, and anxiety only to find anger underneath causing all kinds of mayhem in my mind and heart and after peeling back the layer of abuse begins the process of dealing with the actual events in which God has kindly and Kingly rewritten in my memory, mind, and heart freeing me to come out from under victim-hood and and feel the anger just before He defused it and gave me back my voice.
Hope, hope and more hope dear friends. But it does not come without the work. God is a God of if/then and you can claim promises all day until you are blue in the face and all you will get is a part in an episode of the Smurfs.
Let's see how this works...
I was sitting at church and we had broken into small groups to pray together and my group being made up of people who all know each other very well was discussing some things. I was sharing that having tapped into my root of anger had me a little worried that if it were to come out it would destroy the entire north end of Tacoma. I had enough anger to kill everyone and smash all of their stuff and burn all of their houses down so I could hurt them the way I had been hurt. My friend who is a fireman took a mental note I think.
Someone asked about dealing with anger and I said, and my sister agreed, that I would never encourage anyone to take on the process of healing if they did not first claim at least the faith of a mustard seed.
Another person in our circle was my friend Annie's 13 year old daughter Makenzie. When she heard this she said excitedly, "I have a scripture!" She picked up a bible and began looking for the verse. When she got to it she read it to herself and then closed her bible. I asked her what it had said and she said that it had been the wrong one. She said, "I was looking for one that said something about a mustard seed but I was wrong, all it said was something about prayer and fasting of food." I said for her to took it up and read it. She read us Matthew 17:21, "However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting of food." My fireman friend suggested that we rip that page our and throw it away. I laughed and agreed, but I knew God was using her to tell me that this was how I needed to deal with my anger. To pray and to fast from food. It is always food with me!
Annie, being practically a bible scholar, told Makenzie to read the rest of the scripture around this verse, but she said no and we all went back to our seats and continued with worship. But I knew what had happened, and I knew that God had given me an answer and saved the north end of Tacoma.
When I got home I looked up the verse and read the entire chapter. It's about Jesus curing a boy who suffered from seizures. The disciples had tried to help the boy but could not and when they asked Jesus why He said, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "Move from here to there," and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting."
Ha! She was right on top of the verse! But I needed the other part and God knew that. And if Makenzie had listened to the Spirit in her mother she would have seen that she was not wrong and found the verse she was looking for.
All things work together for God's glory my friends. The big and the small things. I got an answer I wasn't even really aware that I was looking for, Makenzie got to be used by God to help me, and my fireman friend got to sleep easier.
So fast from food, and pray I did and two days ago I spent my first anger free day in 30 years. I didn't wake up to bugles or fireworks. It was very subtle, yet very obvious. There was just something missing and it was something that I didn't miss. I'm not sure yet all of the ways this will effect me, but I know there will be many.
One way that has been so exciting already is the fact that I know what I have to say matters. And as a writer and a teacher that is an extraordinary thing.
Oh but a buyer beware tale... The day after I was done fasting and praying is the day that I lead a small group. Several things conspired that morning to get me angry and to make me feel like no one cared about what I had to say. Instead of racing through several angry speeches in my head I just sat down and asked God what was going on. I realized that I was being tested which made a lot of sense after what I had been going through. I just sat back and let the understanding wash over me and God revealed several things to me. One that the overflowing well of anger was dried up and there wasn't even enough for one angry speech. Two that it does matter what I have to say, but that awareness comes from my trust in Him and not from what and when I say anything. And third that without a test to prove these other two things, I might never have seen so clearly the freedom I had just newly walked into.
I love you Guys, and you guys too.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
As I have started to add some structure to my string of seemingly endless, God-centered days I have been given some tools to categorize things. I work better when things have a place and a label. (I realize this is not helping my case of not being obsessive compulsive.) Some of the labels are 'physical tasks,' 'relational tasks,' and the one I love most, 'ministry tasks.' Physical tasks are my stretching time in the morning and any other exercise I get in. Relational tasks are time I invest in the people God has put in my life to know and love and pastor. In the ministry task category falls reading and writing and teaching, all things that I find the least complicated. And the categories often overlap because sometimes I will go for a walk with someone I love and we get time to talk; then the physical and relational are both in play.
Two of my favorite ministry tasks right now are writing this blog and teaching what we call at Soma, the story of God. It is a condensed version of the bible taught with the intention of causing dialogue creating a familiar relationship with the people and stories and person of God for each person in the group. That sounds official doesn't it? I just made it up. But, it is the purpose and the way in which my pastor is growing me and mentoring me into whatever God has next is by having me lead it. I am passionate about it because I am only now after ten years of loving Jesus, living in the truth and fullness that this book, this ancient text, is an operators manual and a love letter to me from The Creator of everything.
Next week I am going to share with you the powerful way in which God has used the Song of Songs as a love letter to me, but today I have to share with you an idea that came up yesterday during our story of God discussion.
We are on week three and that is the story of Cain and Abel. The first week is of the creation and the second is of the disruption, or the fall, and if you get too far into the story without going back over each of them they can easily become disjointed, individual stories instead of the history of one family, and of us. For me that has been a big reason that it's hard to read the bible. I have not understood the flow of stories and their places in time. The usual Sunday school fare are stories taken out of context and asked to stand on their own which leaves out understanding of the cause and effect throughout history and of the layer upon layer of care, provision, and redemption God has offered us from day one.
The conversation in our group has been interesting and deep and many questions have been asked and some answers have been uncovered. It is so exciting for me to lead people though discovery of of His love and adoration for us. It's a totally new way of leading for me, and it is totally based on the way God and Jesus both teach. They ask questions so that you have to think and as a result you own and can claim the answer. There is power in that like no other. Power enough to change your life. They have all gone away from the discussion asking more questions than we had time to discuss, and that has lead them to do some digging on their own. We have talked about the big questions, the ones that seemingly have no answers. Like, why did God put us here with Satan on the prowl? And why did He tempt us with the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? And why didn't Adam and Eve trust God and not eat the fruit? I have gone though this story before and heard some of the smartest teachers I know leave those questions unanswered. So I was shocked for my little group to put together something of an answer, and a satisfactory one at that.
We were discussing why they, meaning Cain, Adam, and Eve, didn't trust Him and applying that to our own lives. The comment then was the fact that Adam and Even had no reason not to trust God. Their lives had been perfect and in perfect union with their Creator. They had known no abuse or pain or doubt and still they didn't heed His warning. We all shared some of our areas that have caused us pain and that keep us from trusting God. Areas like not being modeled trust or being betrayed and finding it hard to trust again. But in the garden these things were not present. We have reasons not to trust, they had none. And still they didn't. Usually that is as far as that discussion gets. It's sometimes interesting, but a waste of time to speculate too much. But in that moment for me God began to draw connecting lines that explained more.
From even just the first little bit of the bible, the creation, the disruption, and Cain and Abel, we see that God is a relational God. That is one of things that is always discussed during these stories. He walks with Adam and Eve. He desires their company and comes looking for them in the cool of the day. He has a heartfelt conversation with Cain about his offering. So, if the angels were only created to praise and we were created in His image, He must have been desiring a more balanced connection, and that is reflected in His interactions with us.
At first He sets us up in the prefect environment. Everything provided and His attention included. But there is the deal of the tree... Why would He even tempt us to chose wrongly and ruin everything? My new thought was what if the garden was not the perfect scenario? What if it was just the perfect beginning, and knowing that if He gave us free will the pain of us choosing wrongly would be devastating, but having the option to chose and choosing rightly would bring even greater joy and satisfaction than even the pain of death could destroy.
God created us as His image bearers and in that we were given the power to choose. It seems that they chose wrong when they ate the fruit because it brought about so much pain and suffering to come. But what if the garden was not ideal for a relationship with God? It was beautiful and everything needed was there, but there was no need for choice. There was nothing that compelled us to chose Him. Nothing that caused us to desire and pursue a relationship with Him. That would never have been His reason for creating us. To live this perfect, clean, easy life with all of the power of free will just sitting idle. What if what we have now is the perfect set up? The garden of Eden was a womb experience and never intended to last forever, and this grand adventure of struggle and toil and victory and defeat was waiting to be lived once we were moved outside the protection of the Father in the garden.
His desire to have a real and chosen relationship from us is His driving motivation or else why would He have given us the power to love and understand and discuss beyond the capabilities of the animals and even the angels? Because being chosen is the reward for giving us the option to choose. This means that we are not suffering terrible consequences from our broken moment in the garden. We are living out the God intended purpose of glory in relationship with Him and it is only our inability to see that that keeps us from enjoying fully a healing and restorative relationship with our Creator and Father.
I don't know about you but having this new thought makes the light in my room seem brighter and the fears of my day unsubstantial. And it makes smile because I know He told this to me so that would happen. So my joy would be increased. And I know He is pleased by my desire to know Him and by my choice to love Him. This is the perfect scenario.
Two of my favorite ministry tasks right now are writing this blog and teaching what we call at Soma, the story of God. It is a condensed version of the bible taught with the intention of causing dialogue creating a familiar relationship with the people and stories and person of God for each person in the group. That sounds official doesn't it? I just made it up. But, it is the purpose and the way in which my pastor is growing me and mentoring me into whatever God has next is by having me lead it. I am passionate about it because I am only now after ten years of loving Jesus, living in the truth and fullness that this book, this ancient text, is an operators manual and a love letter to me from The Creator of everything.
Next week I am going to share with you the powerful way in which God has used the Song of Songs as a love letter to me, but today I have to share with you an idea that came up yesterday during our story of God discussion.
We are on week three and that is the story of Cain and Abel. The first week is of the creation and the second is of the disruption, or the fall, and if you get too far into the story without going back over each of them they can easily become disjointed, individual stories instead of the history of one family, and of us. For me that has been a big reason that it's hard to read the bible. I have not understood the flow of stories and their places in time. The usual Sunday school fare are stories taken out of context and asked to stand on their own which leaves out understanding of the cause and effect throughout history and of the layer upon layer of care, provision, and redemption God has offered us from day one.
The conversation in our group has been interesting and deep and many questions have been asked and some answers have been uncovered. It is so exciting for me to lead people though discovery of of His love and adoration for us. It's a totally new way of leading for me, and it is totally based on the way God and Jesus both teach. They ask questions so that you have to think and as a result you own and can claim the answer. There is power in that like no other. Power enough to change your life. They have all gone away from the discussion asking more questions than we had time to discuss, and that has lead them to do some digging on their own. We have talked about the big questions, the ones that seemingly have no answers. Like, why did God put us here with Satan on the prowl? And why did He tempt us with the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? And why didn't Adam and Eve trust God and not eat the fruit? I have gone though this story before and heard some of the smartest teachers I know leave those questions unanswered. So I was shocked for my little group to put together something of an answer, and a satisfactory one at that.
We were discussing why they, meaning Cain, Adam, and Eve, didn't trust Him and applying that to our own lives. The comment then was the fact that Adam and Even had no reason not to trust God. Their lives had been perfect and in perfect union with their Creator. They had known no abuse or pain or doubt and still they didn't heed His warning. We all shared some of our areas that have caused us pain and that keep us from trusting God. Areas like not being modeled trust or being betrayed and finding it hard to trust again. But in the garden these things were not present. We have reasons not to trust, they had none. And still they didn't. Usually that is as far as that discussion gets. It's sometimes interesting, but a waste of time to speculate too much. But in that moment for me God began to draw connecting lines that explained more.
From even just the first little bit of the bible, the creation, the disruption, and Cain and Abel, we see that God is a relational God. That is one of things that is always discussed during these stories. He walks with Adam and Eve. He desires their company and comes looking for them in the cool of the day. He has a heartfelt conversation with Cain about his offering. So, if the angels were only created to praise and we were created in His image, He must have been desiring a more balanced connection, and that is reflected in His interactions with us.
At first He sets us up in the prefect environment. Everything provided and His attention included. But there is the deal of the tree... Why would He even tempt us to chose wrongly and ruin everything? My new thought was what if the garden was not the perfect scenario? What if it was just the perfect beginning, and knowing that if He gave us free will the pain of us choosing wrongly would be devastating, but having the option to chose and choosing rightly would bring even greater joy and satisfaction than even the pain of death could destroy.
God created us as His image bearers and in that we were given the power to choose. It seems that they chose wrong when they ate the fruit because it brought about so much pain and suffering to come. But what if the garden was not ideal for a relationship with God? It was beautiful and everything needed was there, but there was no need for choice. There was nothing that compelled us to chose Him. Nothing that caused us to desire and pursue a relationship with Him. That would never have been His reason for creating us. To live this perfect, clean, easy life with all of the power of free will just sitting idle. What if what we have now is the perfect set up? The garden of Eden was a womb experience and never intended to last forever, and this grand adventure of struggle and toil and victory and defeat was waiting to be lived once we were moved outside the protection of the Father in the garden.
His desire to have a real and chosen relationship from us is His driving motivation or else why would He have given us the power to love and understand and discuss beyond the capabilities of the animals and even the angels? Because being chosen is the reward for giving us the option to choose. This means that we are not suffering terrible consequences from our broken moment in the garden. We are living out the God intended purpose of glory in relationship with Him and it is only our inability to see that that keeps us from enjoying fully a healing and restorative relationship with our Creator and Father.
I don't know about you but having this new thought makes the light in my room seem brighter and the fears of my day unsubstantial. And it makes smile because I know He told this to me so that would happen. So my joy would be increased. And I know He is pleased by my desire to know Him and by my choice to love Him. This is the perfect scenario.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I am so tired! I feel like I have been going nonstop for weeks. I guess I have gotten used to having a lot of down time. I think I like it that way better and am pretty sure I am willing to give up the extra perks that I could afford if I gave it up.
I found out that my dear friend and accountability partner is having another baby. That is exciting. She and her husband already have the cutest baby boy. It's nice of them to keep adding beauty to the world.
My sweet Amy is keeping her lovely foster daughter for a few more months, and that is good news. We talked for a while the other day about how broken the system is and the ways we would like to change it. It seems to be more geared toward protecting the parents rights than the rights of child. I told her about my wanting to have a huge house where I adopt all of the kids between the ages of 13 and 18 and give them a family and find people to pay for them to got to college. Or maybe after I finish a book, I will pay for it. :)
We spent time in California with our family there. It was 100 degrees. Not my favorite. We don't see them very often so it was good to catch up. It seems that at a certain point in life situations don't change much. A job change here. A new husband there...
I have been working on the stuff my friends will use to teach at the Czech camp this year. I am not going, but still wanted to be as involved as possible. It's my first time doing work and not going. Not my favorite either. I love those people and hope I get to see them at some point this year. I just needed to be here and intentional with this summer.
My Stella Grace is growing like a weed. Or more like a flower really, she is so pretty. She is funny and smart and so easy to get along with. I am impressed with her every day. I was thinking the other day about how much she has changed and grown and that it would have been so sad to miss seeing it. To have been here for only small parts, and to be shocked at how much she had changed each time I saw her, would never have been ok with me. I am so blessed to know her the way I do. And so blessed that my sister is willing to share her with me.
Jen is a full time artist now. She has us booked through the fall shooting weddings. I am being her second shooter, another reason for no Czech trip this year. I really want to help her get this thing off of the ground, and besides it is so fun working with her, and the money ain't bad either. :)
I am teaching a small group once a week here at the house. It is the best thing I know how to do and the one thing that makes me fully alive. Last week we not only got to have really great discussion about the bible, but we got to spend over an hour praying Frontline hot seat style. It was so powerful it made me realize that I have to learn how to prepare for that kind of thing better and how to recharge after.
I spent the 4th at my friend's house eating steak and corn on the cob. Then I watched the big fireworks show from my bathroom window. I giggled thinking how those things must look from heaven. I felt grateful for this amazing place we call home and the history of how it got to be here. When the show was over I could hear the several thousand people cheering from down the hill. I thought you gotta love that God. We are so creative and happy right now. It was beautiful.
I have not been writing my stuff for a few weeks being busy with travel and Czech stuff. I really miss it. I'm almost done with a children's story so I think I'll try and finish that this week. I was thinking about C.S. Lewis and how most people only read his fantasy stuff. His Christian teachings are some of the most wonderful things ever written on the subject. In my opinion. Makes me wonder.
I am reading several books given to me by my pastor. They are interesting and such a blessing. So many people are sewing into my life right now. It's impossible to believe. I am feeling more free and enjoying the day to day journey like I never have before. That my friends... is what is at the end of the rainbow.
Love you all.
j-
I found out that my dear friend and accountability partner is having another baby. That is exciting. She and her husband already have the cutest baby boy. It's nice of them to keep adding beauty to the world.
My sweet Amy is keeping her lovely foster daughter for a few more months, and that is good news. We talked for a while the other day about how broken the system is and the ways we would like to change it. It seems to be more geared toward protecting the parents rights than the rights of child. I told her about my wanting to have a huge house where I adopt all of the kids between the ages of 13 and 18 and give them a family and find people to pay for them to got to college. Or maybe after I finish a book, I will pay for it. :)
We spent time in California with our family there. It was 100 degrees. Not my favorite. We don't see them very often so it was good to catch up. It seems that at a certain point in life situations don't change much. A job change here. A new husband there...
I have been working on the stuff my friends will use to teach at the Czech camp this year. I am not going, but still wanted to be as involved as possible. It's my first time doing work and not going. Not my favorite either. I love those people and hope I get to see them at some point this year. I just needed to be here and intentional with this summer.
My Stella Grace is growing like a weed. Or more like a flower really, she is so pretty. She is funny and smart and so easy to get along with. I am impressed with her every day. I was thinking the other day about how much she has changed and grown and that it would have been so sad to miss seeing it. To have been here for only small parts, and to be shocked at how much she had changed each time I saw her, would never have been ok with me. I am so blessed to know her the way I do. And so blessed that my sister is willing to share her with me.
Jen is a full time artist now. She has us booked through the fall shooting weddings. I am being her second shooter, another reason for no Czech trip this year. I really want to help her get this thing off of the ground, and besides it is so fun working with her, and the money ain't bad either. :)
I am teaching a small group once a week here at the house. It is the best thing I know how to do and the one thing that makes me fully alive. Last week we not only got to have really great discussion about the bible, but we got to spend over an hour praying Frontline hot seat style. It was so powerful it made me realize that I have to learn how to prepare for that kind of thing better and how to recharge after.
I spent the 4th at my friend's house eating steak and corn on the cob. Then I watched the big fireworks show from my bathroom window. I giggled thinking how those things must look from heaven. I felt grateful for this amazing place we call home and the history of how it got to be here. When the show was over I could hear the several thousand people cheering from down the hill. I thought you gotta love that God. We are so creative and happy right now. It was beautiful.
I have not been writing my stuff for a few weeks being busy with travel and Czech stuff. I really miss it. I'm almost done with a children's story so I think I'll try and finish that this week. I was thinking about C.S. Lewis and how most people only read his fantasy stuff. His Christian teachings are some of the most wonderful things ever written on the subject. In my opinion. Makes me wonder.
I am reading several books given to me by my pastor. They are interesting and such a blessing. So many people are sewing into my life right now. It's impossible to believe. I am feeling more free and enjoying the day to day journey like I never have before. That my friends... is what is at the end of the rainbow.
Love you all.
j-
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
So many things going on in my life creating so many things to think and pray about, but today I am just wondering what it is that we want to hear?
I have come to see that there are only a certain number of possible options for the human experience. We each have our own specific details, sometimes, but the themes of experiences and reactions are limited.
This is reflected most obviously in the fact that a document with pieces written 2000 years ago can still have very applicable lessons in our lives today.
So why then when someone says, "I know how you feel." Or, "I understand what you are going through." Why is that so hard to believe?
Maybe if we didn't feel so separate and individual... Society has built us, for several decades, to come to rely on ways of communicating that don't involve face time. We are taught to look out for number one. And this part of the country I am in is totally dedicated to the desires and ideas of the individual. There are men who are not gay and do not live with their mom and are over 35 and have never been married. They are married to their bike or their climbing gear or their passion for music. Not that having things you love isn't important to making life rich, but when things have not only replaced God as idols in our lives, but have also taken precedent over relationships with people, well maybe that is why we find it so hard to ask for and receive help and love. We have dismantled the fiber of community and we can no longer let ourselves ,or get ourselves, to believe that our experience is in now way unique to us.
I have a friend who is going though something that I walked through about 6 years ago. She is reacting the same way I did. I can feel the anxious energy and see the desired, hopeful outcome. And I know when I say to her that I know where she is and how it feels, it means nothing. She does not believe that we are alike, or I used to be like that, and therefore feels very alone and doesn't even realize it.
Now many things can stand in the way of offering this kind of advice. If your heart and motives are not pure you sound judgmental or condescending. But in this instance I just really want her to know how it works out in the end. If she would let me I could give her a glimpse of the future and it would relieve some of the stress and panic, I think.
I know I never allowed people to speak like that into my life. Another way she and I are alike.
So that is my question. What do we want to hear if it's not something that can let us know that we are not alone, and do not have to figure this out because it has already been done. And been done MANY times.
And if we can't hear it from each other, maybe that is a reason why so many people who claim to trust God don't have lives that prove that. By living in strife and confusion and shame and guilt, having the divinely inspired word right in their face, says that this Christianity thing just doesn't work. And that is a lie.
If we learn to see ourselves as part of something so much bigger our ego does take a hit, but our relationship with the one who created everything can then move from head knowledge to heart knowledge and out lives start to reflect the truth that God is real and mighty to save.
Feeling very much a part of my community on Sunday morning I was able to hear God speak through a song that made my freedom even more real than the day before. It said, "All her sins were cast on Me, so she must and shall go free." As I took that personally, I closed my eyes and my ears seemed to filter all others singing out but one man. I know this man and his heart for God and his respect for women and his love for his wife, and in that moment he was Jesus for me confirming that it's not only possible or an option, but that because of what He did, I MUST and SHALL go FREE!
That is what I needed to hear. That Jesus had been there, my brother had been there, my savior had been there, and by what He chose to do I am going to be completely free.
Maybe that's the answer. To not compare my life with hers, but to just remind her of His love for her. And as God showed me on Sunday, we do that by being Jesus for one another. Just like that moment during the song. As part of a community that man allowed himself to be Jesus for me by singing out loudly, and feeling safe and a part of the community I received that.
Now I am going to close this laptop where I can spend all day doing very productive things and go be Jesus for my friend who needs some help around her house. Who can you be Jesus for today?
I have come to see that there are only a certain number of possible options for the human experience. We each have our own specific details, sometimes, but the themes of experiences and reactions are limited.
This is reflected most obviously in the fact that a document with pieces written 2000 years ago can still have very applicable lessons in our lives today.
So why then when someone says, "I know how you feel." Or, "I understand what you are going through." Why is that so hard to believe?
Maybe if we didn't feel so separate and individual... Society has built us, for several decades, to come to rely on ways of communicating that don't involve face time. We are taught to look out for number one. And this part of the country I am in is totally dedicated to the desires and ideas of the individual. There are men who are not gay and do not live with their mom and are over 35 and have never been married. They are married to their bike or their climbing gear or their passion for music. Not that having things you love isn't important to making life rich, but when things have not only replaced God as idols in our lives, but have also taken precedent over relationships with people, well maybe that is why we find it so hard to ask for and receive help and love. We have dismantled the fiber of community and we can no longer let ourselves ,or get ourselves, to believe that our experience is in now way unique to us.
I have a friend who is going though something that I walked through about 6 years ago. She is reacting the same way I did. I can feel the anxious energy and see the desired, hopeful outcome. And I know when I say to her that I know where she is and how it feels, it means nothing. She does not believe that we are alike, or I used to be like that, and therefore feels very alone and doesn't even realize it.
Now many things can stand in the way of offering this kind of advice. If your heart and motives are not pure you sound judgmental or condescending. But in this instance I just really want her to know how it works out in the end. If she would let me I could give her a glimpse of the future and it would relieve some of the stress and panic, I think.
I know I never allowed people to speak like that into my life. Another way she and I are alike.
So that is my question. What do we want to hear if it's not something that can let us know that we are not alone, and do not have to figure this out because it has already been done. And been done MANY times.
And if we can't hear it from each other, maybe that is a reason why so many people who claim to trust God don't have lives that prove that. By living in strife and confusion and shame and guilt, having the divinely inspired word right in their face, says that this Christianity thing just doesn't work. And that is a lie.
If we learn to see ourselves as part of something so much bigger our ego does take a hit, but our relationship with the one who created everything can then move from head knowledge to heart knowledge and out lives start to reflect the truth that God is real and mighty to save.
Feeling very much a part of my community on Sunday morning I was able to hear God speak through a song that made my freedom even more real than the day before. It said, "All her sins were cast on Me, so she must and shall go free." As I took that personally, I closed my eyes and my ears seemed to filter all others singing out but one man. I know this man and his heart for God and his respect for women and his love for his wife, and in that moment he was Jesus for me confirming that it's not only possible or an option, but that because of what He did, I MUST and SHALL go FREE!
That is what I needed to hear. That Jesus had been there, my brother had been there, my savior had been there, and by what He chose to do I am going to be completely free.
Maybe that's the answer. To not compare my life with hers, but to just remind her of His love for her. And as God showed me on Sunday, we do that by being Jesus for one another. Just like that moment during the song. As part of a community that man allowed himself to be Jesus for me by singing out loudly, and feeling safe and a part of the community I received that.
Now I am going to close this laptop where I can spend all day doing very productive things and go be Jesus for my friend who needs some help around her house. Who can you be Jesus for today?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I started doing this very responsible thing in honor of being committed and faithful with this blog idea. I was even encouraged by a friend of mine to focus on this avenue of writing which confirmed for me what I had been feeling about it. So with new intention in mind I started to keep notes on things I wanted to write about and then instead of going with whatever was on my mind at the moment I have been going back and digging deeper into things that had been percolating for a while. This seemed not only an easier way, but a better way to make sure my thoughts were fully processed, and it has kept me writing each week because I don't have to try and come up with something on the spot.
But... today I have to share something I learned yesterday. It is such an overwhelming truth that I hope every single person in the world reads it.
I was meeting with Abe, my pastor/mentor/teacher/small group leader. And yes, his life reflects that he wears all of those hats in that he is super busy. We talked about a lot of things that concern our small group and our church. We also talked about how I am feeling about being a woman, and a single one at that, who is called to teach and pastor.
In my life, being a woman has been something that I have been ashamed of. First as a part of a world where "you throw like a girl" is an insult. Second by being raised in a religious environment that does not know that women are God's most beautiful creation with all of the gifts and inheritance afforded to men. And third because we have accepted the absurd notion that all women are supposed to look similar in shape to be considered valued and desired.
These things have caused in me not only a war against who I was created to be, but also a shame based way of thinking about myself.
Abe told me he believes, and I agree, that there are 3 voices that can contribute to the negative tapes of self hate. The voice of the flesh, the voice of the devil, and the voice of the world.
Here is the part that knocked the wind out of me yesterday.
He said that he read in a John Eldridge book the idea that as we hear each of those voices reminding us of lies we believe about ourselves like, you are stupid, or fat, or boring, and the corresponding feeling begins to surface of shame, or fear, or guilt, that as the tape plays, others hear it and respond to it. The idea is that while I am hearing those things and believing them, another person who I am interacting with can hear those things also and start to believe them about me and react as if they are true. For example I feel like I am being overlooked because I am a woman. During a conversation with Abe he begins to think that he can't give me a certain responsibility because I am a woman. In essence agreeing with me about my own negative self talk. In the world it is called self fulfilling prophecy or manifestation of negative self talk, but that makes it all about, and all up to, us. This idea, like all of Jesus' ideas, makes us responsible for and to each other. If while I am talking with a friend of mine and I find myself thinking, "Man you really are not smart," then I get the opportunity to stop and realize they already feel that way about themselves and I am hearing their inner evil voice tear them apart from the inside out.
OH MY GOD! The weight and responsibility of that set heavily on me as the awareness of whom I had done that exact thing with came to mind. I had agreed with their hate filled inner voice and thought and acted on it! OH MY GOD! Heartbreaking! And encouraging to know that I can stop that from effecting others; and that when I leave those voices of mine behind for good, well it will be different I am sure.
My friend Dani reminded me, after I shared this with her, that we are told to pray for more gifts of the spirit. Those of you that have a mercy gift may not find yourself being judgmental or critical as often, but those of us who don't share in that naturally, need more grace and kindness. I have prayed for that, and now have another thread woven ever so precisely into the fabric I call my life. All of the sudden it is a carpet of flowers in soft, pastel colors and thick, deep pile that makes for a safe place to land. For me, and for you.
But... today I have to share something I learned yesterday. It is such an overwhelming truth that I hope every single person in the world reads it.
I was meeting with Abe, my pastor/mentor/teacher/small group leader. And yes, his life reflects that he wears all of those hats in that he is super busy. We talked about a lot of things that concern our small group and our church. We also talked about how I am feeling about being a woman, and a single one at that, who is called to teach and pastor.
In my life, being a woman has been something that I have been ashamed of. First as a part of a world where "you throw like a girl" is an insult. Second by being raised in a religious environment that does not know that women are God's most beautiful creation with all of the gifts and inheritance afforded to men. And third because we have accepted the absurd notion that all women are supposed to look similar in shape to be considered valued and desired.
These things have caused in me not only a war against who I was created to be, but also a shame based way of thinking about myself.
Abe told me he believes, and I agree, that there are 3 voices that can contribute to the negative tapes of self hate. The voice of the flesh, the voice of the devil, and the voice of the world.
Here is the part that knocked the wind out of me yesterday.
He said that he read in a John Eldridge book the idea that as we hear each of those voices reminding us of lies we believe about ourselves like, you are stupid, or fat, or boring, and the corresponding feeling begins to surface of shame, or fear, or guilt, that as the tape plays, others hear it and respond to it. The idea is that while I am hearing those things and believing them, another person who I am interacting with can hear those things also and start to believe them about me and react as if they are true. For example I feel like I am being overlooked because I am a woman. During a conversation with Abe he begins to think that he can't give me a certain responsibility because I am a woman. In essence agreeing with me about my own negative self talk. In the world it is called self fulfilling prophecy or manifestation of negative self talk, but that makes it all about, and all up to, us. This idea, like all of Jesus' ideas, makes us responsible for and to each other. If while I am talking with a friend of mine and I find myself thinking, "Man you really are not smart," then I get the opportunity to stop and realize they already feel that way about themselves and I am hearing their inner evil voice tear them apart from the inside out.
OH MY GOD! The weight and responsibility of that set heavily on me as the awareness of whom I had done that exact thing with came to mind. I had agreed with their hate filled inner voice and thought and acted on it! OH MY GOD! Heartbreaking! And encouraging to know that I can stop that from effecting others; and that when I leave those voices of mine behind for good, well it will be different I am sure.
My friend Dani reminded me, after I shared this with her, that we are told to pray for more gifts of the spirit. Those of you that have a mercy gift may not find yourself being judgmental or critical as often, but those of us who don't share in that naturally, need more grace and kindness. I have prayed for that, and now have another thread woven ever so precisely into the fabric I call my life. All of the sudden it is a carpet of flowers in soft, pastel colors and thick, deep pile that makes for a safe place to land. For me, and for you.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Something interesting came up during Soma school while we were discussing the story of Noah. The story goes that after Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden, and there were many, many people on the earth, all of the people were out of control and were full of selfishness and violence. It was so bad that it caused God to regret even making us. I wonder how often He has felt that way since then, but has to be reminded of His promise no to kill us all. I can see Jesus and some of the angels getting together for coffee and talking about how they have to go to Him again and remind Him of the promise He made to Noah, maybe Noah is even there. Michael would be like, "Hey Jesus, I know it keeps coming up, but You guys seem especially angry today..." And Gabriel would jump in and say, "And it's true, they are despicable, but did you see that today Amy opened her home to a foster baby, and it's Tula Banks' first day on earth!" Then they would all vote to send Noah into see God, because well, it had worked before.
But the first time it happened, everyone was doing evil, and God saw that only Noah was blameless. Now if everyone was doing what was good in their own eyes, then how is Noah blameless? It doesn't say everyone except Noah. It says everyone was sinful, but one, Noah, was blameless. So somehow Noah, while still being sinful, was also blameless.
I have had trouble, because of my past, accepting this new creation I was supposed to have become after deciding to follow Jesus. It is said that you become that new person immediately, but it is obvious that to actually live as that person there is a time of healing and learning that has to come first. And even as I have learned and healed, I still knew that I was always going to be making wrong choices and doing things that were only good in my eyes. So it never made sense as to how I could be sinful and yet a blameless new creation. Until that day at Soma when someone pointed out that what had made Noah different, even though he was sinful and obviously being included in the 'all of the people were filled with evil day and night,' was the fact that he had a close relationship with God.
The conversation led to the fact that what makes a close relationship with God, and the only thing that made Noah worth saving, was his heart posture. He believed in God and his heart was one of obedience and trust.
I couldn't believe how all of the sudden it seemed so clear to me how we are able to be a new creation in Jesus, and still be our flawed, human selves. With Noah as our example we can see how as Christians, all of the works and deeds of good can not bring us one bit closer to God, and even though our love of Him is not always reflected in our lives through our choices and our voices, that what God wants is for our heart to be listening only to Him, and for us to be obedient to the things we hear.
I wonder if God questioned if Noah would build the ark? I know that He knows all things, but He did give us free will and it was quite a task God asked him to do. I can't even imagine the level of faith and trust Noah had, that pleased God so much that He chose him of all the people to save. And to know and hear God's voice in such a familiar way that when God said I'm going to kill everyone except you and your family, and I need you to build this giant boat so I can do it, Noah's response was to do it.
I love that. I love that they knew each other that way. Intimately. And that even though Noah was sinful, remember even after God saves them from the flood and everyone else is dead, Noah gets drunk and naked, his heart was open to and filled by the Creator. They had a close relationship.
In the next few moments God opened my eyes to what was keeping me from having that kind of relationship with Him, and it didn't have anything to do with what I was or was not doing. I was unable to live as the new creation He had made me to be almost 10 years ago because my heart posture was that of a grumbler. My sad, little wounded heart had grumbled and complained for so long that I was unable to see it clearly as a heart issue. Until that day. And immediately I asked Him to forgive me for allowing anger and bitterness to be my heart posture, and just as immediately did His forgiveness fill me with a sense of ease I didn't have before.
It has been several weeks since that day and I did not do any striving or working to live more fully as this new creation, God just simply gave me new eyes to see and the trust to let it go.
Many more things have come of this as you could imagine. And when He tells me to, I will share them with you. But next week I am going to share with you a new revelation I had, again at Soma school, when for the third time in a month I heard the story of the prodigal son. As they say, the third time is a charm, and for me it certainly was.
But the first time it happened, everyone was doing evil, and God saw that only Noah was blameless. Now if everyone was doing what was good in their own eyes, then how is Noah blameless? It doesn't say everyone except Noah. It says everyone was sinful, but one, Noah, was blameless. So somehow Noah, while still being sinful, was also blameless.
I have had trouble, because of my past, accepting this new creation I was supposed to have become after deciding to follow Jesus. It is said that you become that new person immediately, but it is obvious that to actually live as that person there is a time of healing and learning that has to come first. And even as I have learned and healed, I still knew that I was always going to be making wrong choices and doing things that were only good in my eyes. So it never made sense as to how I could be sinful and yet a blameless new creation. Until that day at Soma when someone pointed out that what had made Noah different, even though he was sinful and obviously being included in the 'all of the people were filled with evil day and night,' was the fact that he had a close relationship with God.
The conversation led to the fact that what makes a close relationship with God, and the only thing that made Noah worth saving, was his heart posture. He believed in God and his heart was one of obedience and trust.
I couldn't believe how all of the sudden it seemed so clear to me how we are able to be a new creation in Jesus, and still be our flawed, human selves. With Noah as our example we can see how as Christians, all of the works and deeds of good can not bring us one bit closer to God, and even though our love of Him is not always reflected in our lives through our choices and our voices, that what God wants is for our heart to be listening only to Him, and for us to be obedient to the things we hear.
I wonder if God questioned if Noah would build the ark? I know that He knows all things, but He did give us free will and it was quite a task God asked him to do. I can't even imagine the level of faith and trust Noah had, that pleased God so much that He chose him of all the people to save. And to know and hear God's voice in such a familiar way that when God said I'm going to kill everyone except you and your family, and I need you to build this giant boat so I can do it, Noah's response was to do it.
I love that. I love that they knew each other that way. Intimately. And that even though Noah was sinful, remember even after God saves them from the flood and everyone else is dead, Noah gets drunk and naked, his heart was open to and filled by the Creator. They had a close relationship.
In the next few moments God opened my eyes to what was keeping me from having that kind of relationship with Him, and it didn't have anything to do with what I was or was not doing. I was unable to live as the new creation He had made me to be almost 10 years ago because my heart posture was that of a grumbler. My sad, little wounded heart had grumbled and complained for so long that I was unable to see it clearly as a heart issue. Until that day. And immediately I asked Him to forgive me for allowing anger and bitterness to be my heart posture, and just as immediately did His forgiveness fill me with a sense of ease I didn't have before.
It has been several weeks since that day and I did not do any striving or working to live more fully as this new creation, God just simply gave me new eyes to see and the trust to let it go.
Many more things have come of this as you could imagine. And when He tells me to, I will share them with you. But next week I am going to share with you a new revelation I had, again at Soma school, when for the third time in a month I heard the story of the prodigal son. As they say, the third time is a charm, and for me it certainly was.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
For all intents and purposes.
Morning talk shows for women are awful! I was watching during my breakfast this morning. Flipping back and forth between The View and the Today show with Kathy Lee and Hobua. It felt like chaos with all of those voices going on and on at the same time, and there seemed to be this kind of frantic energy that made me want to turn it off. I fear that that energy is comforting to so many women, and why they watch that stuff, because it is the state most of us find ourselves living in. A sort of controlled chaos.
That in itself confirmed in me the things God is teaching me about being a woman, and the need for it to be taught to others, but before I turned the madness off they said something else that literally shouted, because they all seem to be talking at top volume, confirmation about something I realized at Soma school.
It was the Today show and they were talking about a study done over the last 20+ years in which women were asked questions that gaged their happiness. The findings from the most recent test showed that women are less happy today than they were before the women's liberation movement of the 1970s.
Now I have personally felt this was true for many years having lived through it as a child. A child who was given a green ERA button to wear by her mother and who's father promptly removed it from my shirt and threw it away. I think it started out with good intentions because, of course if a man and a woman are equally qualified and doing the same job, then they get the same pay. Duh. But at some point it went beyond trying to make us equal to men and has in many ways turned us into men. Teaching us that we have to 'have it all' implying that we don't have it all no matter what we have chosen or been given.
It is no longer adequate to raise you kids and provide a home, you have to fill all of your moments with either a job or endless activities or both. And God forbid that you are still single, you have to create such a circus of activity to not only prove that you are at least making something of your life, but you also have to prove your worth as a woman having entered obvious spinsterhood by the ancient age of 27.
It has led to a disconnect as to how to be a woman, even sometimes the desire to be one. It has emasculated men by confusing their roles as provider and protector, even to the point of it being a distasteful idea to need either of those things.
It has left women exhausted and empty and confused and desperate.
During my last visit to OKC I was blessed to hear several teachings by my pastor Josh Kouri. On Easter Sunday, after he had commissioned and confirmed my mission in Tacoma, he spoke about intentionality. Doing all things with intent, or on purpose. It gave me great clarity and joy to see so
clearly how that applied to this next season of my life.
Part of that intentionality led me to attend Soma school. Several days into it I found myself so captivated by the vision, that it was truly overwhelming to then have God begin to piece together my purpose there, and to actually show me how I was going to get to be involved. He pulled pieces from all parts of my past began to weave big sections of the tapestry of my life together for the first time.
While I was soaking in this joy of getting to do not only what God has created me to do, but what after years of seeking and listening and growing, I now knew I wanted to do, I realized...
that I would not only be ok if I never got married, but I might even choose, with intent, God over marriage.
I know saying it out loud frightens some of you. But my thinking is that if I really get to do this, if I really do get to teach and to write about who He is and what that means for us as His kids, then I would be so fulfilled and excited that I would want to be able to devote all of myself and my time to Him.
Like I might actually refuse to partake in the great gift of the marriage relationship, knowing that it would be wonderful, but it would never meet all of my needs and desires the way a life sold out to God would. (Now watch, I will have dudes knocking down my door tomorrow. :))
And not that you can't do both, but to avoid becoming overwhelmed and exhausted, I might consider choosing God only.
What was amazing to me was that I actually meant this. After years of hoping to be married again someday I could see that with intention I could choose. God has given us each the power that makes us like Him, and that is the power of our will. For every person, married, single, kids, no kids, stay at home, out of the home, whatever label we have chosen, it only becomes overwhelming if we let it limit us by making us feel like we have to do it all. If instead we are simply, and grandly, children of the King, then we can freely choose to do, and not to do, things that are set before us. And most of those things are good things.
It's not hard to chose not to eat mud pies. It is hard to find a place to leave your child/children so you can take an hour to have coffee with your girlfriend. It's not hard to chose not to stick your hand in an open flame (this only applies to women as men seem to have trouble with this around campfires). It is hard to say no to heading up the children's ministry at church. It's not hard to keep from poking your eye out with a pencil (again possibly for women only). It is hard to chose fruit instead of cake.
This idea applies to all the areas of our lives that when added together equal overwhelmed and exhausted. And there are many reasons we chose wrongly, and many layers to those reasons.
So for today let's just confess that we are confused by the noise and overwhelmed by the pressure and call on the name of God the creator of all things.
Let's ask Him to not only make us aware of the ways in which we can clear the clutter with intention and choice, but to supernaturally provide clarity and time to act.
May you find joy in your relationship with The Father and purpose in your mundane duties and peace in knowing that you are His most beautiful creation.
That in itself confirmed in me the things God is teaching me about being a woman, and the need for it to be taught to others, but before I turned the madness off they said something else that literally shouted, because they all seem to be talking at top volume, confirmation about something I realized at Soma school.
It was the Today show and they were talking about a study done over the last 20+ years in which women were asked questions that gaged their happiness. The findings from the most recent test showed that women are less happy today than they were before the women's liberation movement of the 1970s.
Now I have personally felt this was true for many years having lived through it as a child. A child who was given a green ERA button to wear by her mother and who's father promptly removed it from my shirt and threw it away. I think it started out with good intentions because, of course if a man and a woman are equally qualified and doing the same job, then they get the same pay. Duh. But at some point it went beyond trying to make us equal to men and has in many ways turned us into men. Teaching us that we have to 'have it all' implying that we don't have it all no matter what we have chosen or been given.
It is no longer adequate to raise you kids and provide a home, you have to fill all of your moments with either a job or endless activities or both. And God forbid that you are still single, you have to create such a circus of activity to not only prove that you are at least making something of your life, but you also have to prove your worth as a woman having entered obvious spinsterhood by the ancient age of 27.
It has led to a disconnect as to how to be a woman, even sometimes the desire to be one. It has emasculated men by confusing their roles as provider and protector, even to the point of it being a distasteful idea to need either of those things.
It has left women exhausted and empty and confused and desperate.
During my last visit to OKC I was blessed to hear several teachings by my pastor Josh Kouri. On Easter Sunday, after he had commissioned and confirmed my mission in Tacoma, he spoke about intentionality. Doing all things with intent, or on purpose. It gave me great clarity and joy to see so
clearly how that applied to this next season of my life.
Part of that intentionality led me to attend Soma school. Several days into it I found myself so captivated by the vision, that it was truly overwhelming to then have God begin to piece together my purpose there, and to actually show me how I was going to get to be involved. He pulled pieces from all parts of my past began to weave big sections of the tapestry of my life together for the first time.
While I was soaking in this joy of getting to do not only what God has created me to do, but what after years of seeking and listening and growing, I now knew I wanted to do, I realized...
that I would not only be ok if I never got married, but I might even choose, with intent, God over marriage.
I know saying it out loud frightens some of you. But my thinking is that if I really get to do this, if I really do get to teach and to write about who He is and what that means for us as His kids, then I would be so fulfilled and excited that I would want to be able to devote all of myself and my time to Him.
Like I might actually refuse to partake in the great gift of the marriage relationship, knowing that it would be wonderful, but it would never meet all of my needs and desires the way a life sold out to God would. (Now watch, I will have dudes knocking down my door tomorrow. :))
And not that you can't do both, but to avoid becoming overwhelmed and exhausted, I might consider choosing God only.
What was amazing to me was that I actually meant this. After years of hoping to be married again someday I could see that with intention I could choose. God has given us each the power that makes us like Him, and that is the power of our will. For every person, married, single, kids, no kids, stay at home, out of the home, whatever label we have chosen, it only becomes overwhelming if we let it limit us by making us feel like we have to do it all. If instead we are simply, and grandly, children of the King, then we can freely choose to do, and not to do, things that are set before us. And most of those things are good things.
It's not hard to chose not to eat mud pies. It is hard to find a place to leave your child/children so you can take an hour to have coffee with your girlfriend. It's not hard to chose not to stick your hand in an open flame (this only applies to women as men seem to have trouble with this around campfires). It is hard to say no to heading up the children's ministry at church. It's not hard to keep from poking your eye out with a pencil (again possibly for women only). It is hard to chose fruit instead of cake.
This idea applies to all the areas of our lives that when added together equal overwhelmed and exhausted. And there are many reasons we chose wrongly, and many layers to those reasons.
So for today let's just confess that we are confused by the noise and overwhelmed by the pressure and call on the name of God the creator of all things.
Let's ask Him to not only make us aware of the ways in which we can clear the clutter with intention and choice, but to supernaturally provide clarity and time to act.
May you find joy in your relationship with The Father and purpose in your mundane duties and peace in knowing that you are His most beautiful creation.
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