After choosing to believe that God was real I dug in deep. I went to church 3 times a week, I sold all of my ‘secular’ CDs (which I still regret to this day), and I started my own bible study searching out the character of God. It is that last one I’m thinking about today. Well I am always thinking about my forever lost trance CD I got in Amsterdam, but that never nagged at my soul the way the character study of God did.
I fell head over heels in love with this Guy. I had been heart broken by my divorce, addicted to many things including the approval of people, and didn’t even have kids or a college degree at 30! When I read how loving and caring and forgiving God was, well at first I just wanted to know Him better.
A funny thing happened though. As I read more and more about how great and powerful He was I began to feel resentful and neglected. I could not understand why He, who claimed to love me so much that He sent His Son to die, could let all of these awful things happen to me. I knew that all of the things that happened as adult I was partially responsible for. But the abuse I suffered as a child, I was blameless in that, and He let it happen.
Why would He do that? How could He allow that? If He is who the bible says He is then He could have protected me by stopping those things before they happened! And it would have spared me, possibly, most of the hurt I caused for myself! They kept telling me at church that He loved me and that when I loved Him in return I was forgiven, a new creation. I did not feel like a new creation. I felt like the same old beat up mess, only now I had someone to blame.
That new creation bit for those of us with painful pasts is hard to wrap our minds around, and we often feel undeserving of any good in our lives. Those of you who met Jesus as children sometimes do not have trouble with this idea. You all seem to get into trouble with the idea that because you have ‘been good’ then life should be pretty good to you, taking a tone of entitlement in a way. Whatever your past choices, suffering comes to us all, and if we are finding ourselves unworthy because of our past or confused because we thought we deserve better because of our past, we often find hopelessness. We all need to be reminded, especially in the hard times, that He indeed does love us, and that we are totally unworthy of that love. And yet we get it anyway. Everyday. Forever. The fact is that whenever you go to ‘why me?’ you are claiming that you somehow deserve better. And you do. But not because you have done anything that merits it. Simply because He created us in His image. That is all. We are His creation and His greatest love. We can do nothing to increase or decrease that love. Love offered unconditionally regardless of your wrong choices, and your right choices.
Usually after you surrender to hopelessness you find the victim mentality waiting for you at every turn; lurking around in the dark corners of your mind playing old tapes of regret and blame. The truth is God will not protect us from all of the sin in the world. He was removed from that authority the moment Adam and Eve chose to question who they were as image bearers of God. The truth is that God could have changed your circumstances and He didn't, but He is not to blame. The sin of the human heart is responsible for all it. And that means that whatever the details of your specific hurt, as a part of the human race you are not a victim, but are responsible for it. Thankfully as a child of God you are given the tools to overcome it. Any road out of hurt is a hard one. And most often, a long one, but there is an inherent tie to the gracious God of all creation that if given the chance will move you forward step by healing step into a greater freedom than you ever dreamed possible. All you have to do is chose to let Him lead you every single day. With the pain of healing comes freedom for the soul.
But don’t take my word for it. Read any story in the bible and ask God to show you His redemptive theme. He is all about redeeming what was lost, even the times when we were not protected, and especially our hope.
Press in and press on. Long suffering is not easily learned and is a place that satan is perched and waiting to kill you. he wants nothing more than to lock you in the prison of living like a helpless victim, and leave you hopeless and doubting who you are as the image bearer of God. It is his original lie and it still kills God's children all of the time.
I pray for strength in Him and supernatural healing for you. May you see Him for who He is, your Daddy.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I spent last week at school. I love school. I love learning new things and challenging old ideas. This school was put on by my church, SOMA. It's called SOMA school, go figure, and it started because the elders of the church, after having moved here for the Midwest (sounds familiar) were finding that their friends from around the world were interested in the way they had begun to do things here in Tacoma. It got to the point that so many people wanted to learn, and they couldn't keep doing it one on one, so they created SOMA school.
I cannot tell you how much it has changed me and challenged me and made me feel almost embarrassed that God loves me so much that I get to live here and live out this mission with a front row seat and individual face time with the elders and leaders, and their wives, which I must say are some of the most amazing women I have met here.
This SOMA school had about 40 people from all over the world. Many people from Romania, one from Ireland, and a couple from Japan. The Japanese couple were so sweet. She did not speak very much English and he sat the whole week and translated what was being said by typing it on his computer; and during conversation times he just talked to her about what we were talking about. It was such a great picture of love.
In the Romanian group there were 3 single girls in their early twenties. I was so excited to see single girls there! Most of the time it is made up of married couples or the husband or wife part of a couple. I so often feel like the gift of singleness is wasted by 'the body' and all we ever talk about is how to get prepared to not be single anymore.
I got to go to lunch with those girls and they asked me all kinds of questions and I got to ask them some. It was wonderful. They are such bright and loving ladies, and they blessed me more than they know by desiring my time and wisdom.
There were several others I got to spend time with discussing our lives and our individual parts in our communities. It is great to see this vision I am now so out to being spread all over the place. It is such an important understanding and set of teachings. All of the people there seemed rocked by what they had learned and I imagine they left with as many questions as they had when they came, just different ones.
In the next few blogs I am going to share with you the things I learned at SOMA school and try and give you just a glimpse of what is going on out here. So stay tuned. Next week I'll discuss my "Where's mine?!" mentality and the new revelation on that, since the prodigal son story came up for the THIRD time lately. Then I'll share with you how we are sinful and blameless at the same time, which for me has been a real stumbling point to forgiveness of myself. Noah is my teacher in that lesson.
After that maybe some more on the vision here and what it looks like to intentionally be living it out.
Love you guys.
I cannot tell you how much it has changed me and challenged me and made me feel almost embarrassed that God loves me so much that I get to live here and live out this mission with a front row seat and individual face time with the elders and leaders, and their wives, which I must say are some of the most amazing women I have met here.
This SOMA school had about 40 people from all over the world. Many people from Romania, one from Ireland, and a couple from Japan. The Japanese couple were so sweet. She did not speak very much English and he sat the whole week and translated what was being said by typing it on his computer; and during conversation times he just talked to her about what we were talking about. It was such a great picture of love.
In the Romanian group there were 3 single girls in their early twenties. I was so excited to see single girls there! Most of the time it is made up of married couples or the husband or wife part of a couple. I so often feel like the gift of singleness is wasted by 'the body' and all we ever talk about is how to get prepared to not be single anymore.
I got to go to lunch with those girls and they asked me all kinds of questions and I got to ask them some. It was wonderful. They are such bright and loving ladies, and they blessed me more than they know by desiring my time and wisdom.
There were several others I got to spend time with discussing our lives and our individual parts in our communities. It is great to see this vision I am now so out to being spread all over the place. It is such an important understanding and set of teachings. All of the people there seemed rocked by what they had learned and I imagine they left with as many questions as they had when they came, just different ones.
In the next few blogs I am going to share with you the things I learned at SOMA school and try and give you just a glimpse of what is going on out here. So stay tuned. Next week I'll discuss my "Where's mine?!" mentality and the new revelation on that, since the prodigal son story came up for the THIRD time lately. Then I'll share with you how we are sinful and blameless at the same time, which for me has been a real stumbling point to forgiveness of myself. Noah is my teacher in that lesson.
After that maybe some more on the vision here and what it looks like to intentionally be living it out.
Love you guys.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I'm not exactly sure what you do when all of the pieces come together.
I remember watching the A Team when I was a kid. The old guy who
was in charge, Hannibal if my memory for all things useless serves, would
always say, "I love it when a plan comes together." This of course was
said in each show after they miraculously created a monster truck from
some two by fours they found laying around and had used it to defeat the
bad guy in the town. The plan always came together. Because they had a
script. I didn't get my lines for this part of my life. I was not issued the script,
nor was I consulted as to how this would all play out.
I have been feeling at loose ends for a while now knowing that everything
was changing, but again, not having it in writing, I was clueless as to
how to respond.
I decided that what was needed to re-secure the foundation was more
of me. I needed to buckle down and get to work and make some things
happen. These ideas belonged to other people. The anxiety and confusion
they created belonged only to me.
While listening to a teaching this week I was reminded that God is great
so I don't have to be in control. I realized that it was not more of me that
was called for. It was not less faith and more obedient acts.
What I actually need to move forward is less of me and deeper dependence
on God.
To they eyes of man it appears lazy or fearful or unwise. I was also reminded
that God is Gracious so I don't have to prove myself. All I can do is chose to
move deeper in intimacy and surrender than ever before.
This week a lot of things seemed to come together for me about what
the future might hold. I have waited for a long time, in my eyes, to find
these things out. I am blown away by what I know now and as the pieces
of the puzzle of my life come together before my very eyes all I can say
is... I'm glad I found those two by fours laying around.
I remember watching the A Team when I was a kid. The old guy who
was in charge, Hannibal if my memory for all things useless serves, would
always say, "I love it when a plan comes together." This of course was
said in each show after they miraculously created a monster truck from
some two by fours they found laying around and had used it to defeat the
bad guy in the town. The plan always came together. Because they had a
script. I didn't get my lines for this part of my life. I was not issued the script,
nor was I consulted as to how this would all play out.
I have been feeling at loose ends for a while now knowing that everything
was changing, but again, not having it in writing, I was clueless as to
how to respond.
I decided that what was needed to re-secure the foundation was more
of me. I needed to buckle down and get to work and make some things
happen. These ideas belonged to other people. The anxiety and confusion
they created belonged only to me.
While listening to a teaching this week I was reminded that God is great
so I don't have to be in control. I realized that it was not more of me that
was called for. It was not less faith and more obedient acts.
What I actually need to move forward is less of me and deeper dependence
on God.
To they eyes of man it appears lazy or fearful or unwise. I was also reminded
that God is Gracious so I don't have to prove myself. All I can do is chose to
move deeper in intimacy and surrender than ever before.
This week a lot of things seemed to come together for me about what
the future might hold. I have waited for a long time, in my eyes, to find
these things out. I am blown away by what I know now and as the pieces
of the puzzle of my life come together before my very eyes all I can say
is... I'm glad I found those two by fours laying around.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
And again when I think I am going through something completely
new, God gives me the original as my example.
I've been aware that the new season I am in is so very different than
anything I have ever been through before, and it has changed all
of the rules. How I live, how I make decisions, how I communicate
with God... everything has changed. Including my location.
And even though I am far away I live in a time of mass communication
and the water for my soul this week was at Lifechurch.
The sermon was about Elijah and it said so many things I needed to
hear including the fact that after God took him through a lot of
pain (ouch been there) and some time of being alone (even though Jen
and Stella have been here, without my roots, I have been very much
alone.) God then dried up his river. The one meager source of life for
Elijah in that ravine, and God takes it away too.
God changed all of the rules and Elijah had to step out, again, into
obedience with even his daily needs now going unmet.
I get easily caught up in the, "Seriously?! What are You doing?!"
attitude with God. I can lose sight of the fact that He and I have spent
years building trust and fall into the pit of self pity wondering,
"why it is so hard?" and "what purpose does any of this have?"
Lately I have been provided with the opportunity, like Elijah, to obey in new
and old ways. And after making right choices about some of them I get to feel
a heart change. I notice something that before would have been met with the
"where is mine?" and instead I think "it does my heart good for this person
to be blessed." It reminds me of who He really is and how much He loves us.
After being obedient Elijah got the opportunity to save the life of a woman
and her son by having their little bit of flour and oil stretch out for months as
God provided for them and Elijah just enough for each day.
There have been many of these opportunities to notice change lately and
just like Elijah, even though in the world's eyes and in comparison to
the way it was before I am getting less and less, God is at work.
He is at work in me so He can do work though me.
Just like Elijah.
And in case you didn't know... he is the first recorded person in the
Bible to raise someone from the dead. That kind of trial and trust
brings a very strong version of our faith.
Bring it on God. The river is dry and I am obedient.
new, God gives me the original as my example.
I've been aware that the new season I am in is so very different than
anything I have ever been through before, and it has changed all
of the rules. How I live, how I make decisions, how I communicate
with God... everything has changed. Including my location.
And even though I am far away I live in a time of mass communication
and the water for my soul this week was at Lifechurch.
The sermon was about Elijah and it said so many things I needed to
hear including the fact that after God took him through a lot of
pain (ouch been there) and some time of being alone (even though Jen
and Stella have been here, without my roots, I have been very much
alone.) God then dried up his river. The one meager source of life for
Elijah in that ravine, and God takes it away too.
God changed all of the rules and Elijah had to step out, again, into
obedience with even his daily needs now going unmet.
I get easily caught up in the, "Seriously?! What are You doing?!"
attitude with God. I can lose sight of the fact that He and I have spent
years building trust and fall into the pit of self pity wondering,
"why it is so hard?" and "what purpose does any of this have?"
Lately I have been provided with the opportunity, like Elijah, to obey in new
and old ways. And after making right choices about some of them I get to feel
a heart change. I notice something that before would have been met with the
"where is mine?" and instead I think "it does my heart good for this person
to be blessed." It reminds me of who He really is and how much He loves us.
After being obedient Elijah got the opportunity to save the life of a woman
and her son by having their little bit of flour and oil stretch out for months as
God provided for them and Elijah just enough for each day.
There have been many of these opportunities to notice change lately and
just like Elijah, even though in the world's eyes and in comparison to
the way it was before I am getting less and less, God is at work.
He is at work in me so He can do work though me.
Just like Elijah.
And in case you didn't know... he is the first recorded person in the
Bible to raise someone from the dead. That kind of trial and trust
brings a very strong version of our faith.
Bring it on God. The river is dry and I am obedient.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
When life gets real you get to make real decisions.
I started to write this blog yesterday, and the day before.
It started with an exclamation of frustration and then came
several lines about how hard it is to make hard decisions.
Well today I am right on top of having a realistic view of
all of the pros and cons to this choice, and it all boils down
to... what do I want?
This is not the selfish kind of want. In fact it is the God ordained
kind. Did you know that existed?
After you are done being baby fed by The Holy Spirit, God will
call you to a deeper level of obedience in your relationship
with Him. The great part is the fact that with greater
obedience comes greater intimacy and connection with The
Creator of ALL things. BTW- that is where true love and
validation are found.
But, for me, and I know a lot of you, obedience sounds
dreadful, heavy, burdensome, and even scary.
It can be, but if you are on the path that God has set before you
and you are allowing God to actively participate in your life
then obedience is FREEDOM.
And it allows you to have discernment about choices you get
to make.
Now no one hates to be told what to do more than me. Unless
of course it is my father, or my sister. But, if you have been
participating with God, He will at some point have earned your
trust and you will believe that He wants greater things for you
than you could ever dream for yourself. He wants you so free
and so healed, and so fulfilled that no matter your circumstances,
your life is still filled with peace and joy.
I mean seriously? We have The God on our side and He is willing
to endure our tantrums and wrong choices until we get to the
point of trust?
Simply put- yes.
And in our obedience we find that our choices line up with our
dreams and that our dreams fill our lives to the fullest of our
potential and that in the end glorifies God.
It's a perfect system and we get to chose to participate,
or not to, and make all of the decisions in between.
The immature relationship has prepared you with all of the
tools you will need to make all of these decisions. The
mature relationship hinges on whether you make the right
ones. Thankfully, the right ones are the ones you actually
really want.
May you be finding what it is that He put in you to desire, and
realize that those are the things your dreams are made of, and
may He give you the discernment and endurance to see them
come true.
I started to write this blog yesterday, and the day before.
It started with an exclamation of frustration and then came
several lines about how hard it is to make hard decisions.
Well today I am right on top of having a realistic view of
all of the pros and cons to this choice, and it all boils down
to... what do I want?
This is not the selfish kind of want. In fact it is the God ordained
kind. Did you know that existed?
After you are done being baby fed by The Holy Spirit, God will
call you to a deeper level of obedience in your relationship
with Him. The great part is the fact that with greater
obedience comes greater intimacy and connection with The
Creator of ALL things. BTW- that is where true love and
validation are found.
But, for me, and I know a lot of you, obedience sounds
dreadful, heavy, burdensome, and even scary.
It can be, but if you are on the path that God has set before you
and you are allowing God to actively participate in your life
then obedience is FREEDOM.
And it allows you to have discernment about choices you get
to make.
Now no one hates to be told what to do more than me. Unless
of course it is my father, or my sister. But, if you have been
participating with God, He will at some point have earned your
trust and you will believe that He wants greater things for you
than you could ever dream for yourself. He wants you so free
and so healed, and so fulfilled that no matter your circumstances,
your life is still filled with peace and joy.
I mean seriously? We have The God on our side and He is willing
to endure our tantrums and wrong choices until we get to the
point of trust?
Simply put- yes.
And in our obedience we find that our choices line up with our
dreams and that our dreams fill our lives to the fullest of our
potential and that in the end glorifies God.
It's a perfect system and we get to chose to participate,
or not to, and make all of the decisions in between.
The immature relationship has prepared you with all of the
tools you will need to make all of these decisions. The
mature relationship hinges on whether you make the right
ones. Thankfully, the right ones are the ones you actually
really want.
May you be finding what it is that He put in you to desire, and
realize that those are the things your dreams are made of, and
may He give you the discernment and endurance to see them
come true.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Further notes on dating me through
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
My Uncle Bob always treated me like
I was special. He would make sure that
in the midst of what was sometimes more
than 50 people, that I felt noticed.
He lit up when I came in the room and
within the time it took for him to make
his way over to hug me, he'd be fully
into the second verse of Julie.
I can't remember now exactly how it went
but I think it was something like, "Truly
Julie I love you," and then something about
how everyone does.
I can still feel him bending over and giving
me the best and most appropriate side hug.
I would smile so big my eyes would disappear.
I felt shy and ecstatic about the attention.
I would tuck my head a little and let it
rest on his shoulder and feel more complete
and more special than any other day of the
year.
He never lingered too long making it too
obvious or uncomfortable. He would go back
to my Aunt Normie and sit and talk, or go
watch the game with the boys, but I would
continue to feel loved even with out his
direct attention.
I have no idea what made my Uncle Bob see
me in a special light. As far as I know
he did not do this to any other kids.
Maybe he saw my great spirit and how it was
afraid. Maybe he could feel the insecurity
of being in a group. Maybe God just told
him I needed special attention.
I don't know, but I wish I could say that
it kept me from treating myself and allowing
others to treat me without respect.
I wish I had understood what he was trying
to tell me, and let it spare me some pain.
I can see him now, as I will see him on that
day, with his big brown afro, and dark brown
skin. He will probably be wearing some double
knit poly pants with a flared leg, also in
brown, and a long sleeved, yellow shirt with
snaps.
I hope he knows that I get it now. That I see
my worth. Through the eyes of God and through
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
I hope that my future husband sees me like that
too.
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
My Uncle Bob always treated me like
I was special. He would make sure that
in the midst of what was sometimes more
than 50 people, that I felt noticed.
He lit up when I came in the room and
within the time it took for him to make
his way over to hug me, he'd be fully
into the second verse of Julie.
I can't remember now exactly how it went
but I think it was something like, "Truly
Julie I love you," and then something about
how everyone does.
I can still feel him bending over and giving
me the best and most appropriate side hug.
I would smile so big my eyes would disappear.
I felt shy and ecstatic about the attention.
I would tuck my head a little and let it
rest on his shoulder and feel more complete
and more special than any other day of the
year.
He never lingered too long making it too
obvious or uncomfortable. He would go back
to my Aunt Normie and sit and talk, or go
watch the game with the boys, but I would
continue to feel loved even with out his
direct attention.
I have no idea what made my Uncle Bob see
me in a special light. As far as I know
he did not do this to any other kids.
Maybe he saw my great spirit and how it was
afraid. Maybe he could feel the insecurity
of being in a group. Maybe God just told
him I needed special attention.
I don't know, but I wish I could say that
it kept me from treating myself and allowing
others to treat me without respect.
I wish I had understood what he was trying
to tell me, and let it spare me some pain.
I can see him now, as I will see him on that
day, with his big brown afro, and dark brown
skin. He will probably be wearing some double
knit poly pants with a flared leg, also in
brown, and a long sleeved, yellow shirt with
snaps.
I hope he knows that I get it now. That I see
my worth. Through the eyes of God and through
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
I hope that my future husband sees me like that
too.
Some further thoughts on dating...
(keeping in mind that the end result would
be marriage.)
I used to wake up looking refreshed. Now even
mid morning there are still pillow lines on my
face.
I never had a tight, small body so that is no
loss to me, but it really is not all that fun to
look at in the mirror.
I can be sarcastic and standoffish when I am
nervous and I am definitely going to be
nervous on a date.
I have been this way so long that, afraid of
real intimacy I mean, that I can't see any
other way of being.
I like my space, and I am selfish about it.
I have put out the "I'm not interested," vibe
for so long I don't know if I can turn it off.
And by 'not interested' I mean "I am desperate
for you to notice and want me, but I know
you will not love me, so bitter, bitter, bitter."
Ha- made myself laugh with that one.
I have decided I know what kind of man I want
and let go of what kind of man I think I
want and I am left with wondering if there is
any kind of man who will want me.
I have scars from past abuse. I have scars
from past choices. I have awareness of most
of these things.
I get bloated easily.
I struggle with food (and it usually ends up
all over my clothes.)
I don't always practice what I preach.
I only exercise in spurts.
When I am afraid I close down and go hide
somewhere leaving a very clear message of,
"Leave me alone!"
I don't like to think of others before myself,
though I do, I usually require an animal
sacrifice.
I am terrified of letting someone know all of
these things and letting him judge me.
I am terrified there are more things that I
don't even know that a man sees instantly and
makes him want to run away.
I am most afraid that I will fall in love with
someone and he will fall in love with me and
I will have to let him in.
Or not.
And that is the worst pain of all.
(keeping in mind that the end result would
be marriage.)
I used to wake up looking refreshed. Now even
mid morning there are still pillow lines on my
face.
I never had a tight, small body so that is no
loss to me, but it really is not all that fun to
look at in the mirror.
I can be sarcastic and standoffish when I am
nervous and I am definitely going to be
nervous on a date.
I have been this way so long that, afraid of
real intimacy I mean, that I can't see any
other way of being.
I like my space, and I am selfish about it.
I have put out the "I'm not interested," vibe
for so long I don't know if I can turn it off.
And by 'not interested' I mean "I am desperate
for you to notice and want me, but I know
you will not love me, so bitter, bitter, bitter."
Ha- made myself laugh with that one.
I have decided I know what kind of man I want
and let go of what kind of man I think I
want and I am left with wondering if there is
any kind of man who will want me.
I have scars from past abuse. I have scars
from past choices. I have awareness of most
of these things.
I get bloated easily.
I struggle with food (and it usually ends up
all over my clothes.)
I don't always practice what I preach.
I only exercise in spurts.
When I am afraid I close down and go hide
somewhere leaving a very clear message of,
"Leave me alone!"
I don't like to think of others before myself,
though I do, I usually require an animal
sacrifice.
I am terrified of letting someone know all of
these things and letting him judge me.
I am terrified there are more things that I
don't even know that a man sees instantly and
makes him want to run away.
I am most afraid that I will fall in love with
someone and he will fall in love with me and
I will have to let him in.
Or not.
And that is the worst pain of all.
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