So the suspense is over! As you can see by the pictures I decided to go to the reunion. I took along a friend from church as an anchor in case I went blank and forgot who I was, and to keep me from reverting naturally back to that loud, insecure, silly girl.
The moment I walked in the door I realized I did not need a reminder of who I am. I have now been this person longer than I was that high school girl, and weight issue aside, I felt very comfortable as me.
We all talked an hugged and caught up on life. What I had not realized is that in a restaurant bar, with 75 people you are trying to talk to, the conversation does not get deep. So my answer to the question was... drum roll please... "My sister and I have our own wedding photography business." End of story. It was great. I did feel like I wanted to share more with a few people, but as happens with 80's teenagers we were drawn on to the dance floor with the baiting sounds of Guns and Roses and Prince.
Still though the idea of how I got here and what I am doing has grown much bigger than just trying to find an answer to a question or a justifiable list of reasons for my existence.
It has caused me to consider with perspective all that I have been through, all that God has seen me through, and what that means for you. You whom God has given me to. You who are the fulfillment of a promise He made to me saying that, "None of your pain will be wasted." This being said during my struggle to decide if life was worth living or not.
So, since my pain is not wasted and it has made me who I am, a teacher of the word and work of God, I am going to use this place to share how He and I got here.
And by the way, here is a place so very near absolute and total freedom that I can smell it. You want to know what freedom smells like???
Check back next week!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
My 20th high school reunion was 2 weeks ago. I talked to many people who each had an opinion on either thier own experience or whether or not I should attend mine. I had decided at one point not to go because I had gotten caught up in trying to figure out what I would say to people when they asked me what I was doing now. Every time I imagined the scene, "So Julia, what do you do?" asks someone I am struggling to recognize through all of the self-tanner and sagging skin - "I am a Christian!" is the answer I blurt. Here I imagine they judge me and write me off as a feeble minded idiot who is at any moment going to tell them what a miserable sinner they are and try to save their soul.
The other option, same question- this time I go into detail... "Well I live with my sister and she has a daughter, Stella, and we have two other single girls who live with us and it is part of our ministry. I also teach, and right now am leading a group of ladies through the story of God. And I have traveled all over the world on mission trips, most recently to the Czech Republic, and..." I trail off as I see their eyes glaze over and they start to search the room for another recognizable face to use as an excuse to escape.
It's not whether or not I have a big house or a fancy car or kids or even a husband that I feel like I needed to justify my existence, but at least I need to have an good answer as to just what it is that I spend my days doing. Not too much to ask I don't think. Of myself, and of God.
My life since deciding to follow Jesus has been an extraordinary case of of strange requests. I have often been in a season that required some real thought as to how to explain what I 'do.' Having inherited my dads predisposition for pride I have not felt very concerned about what others thought about that answer, when I have been able to come up with one, until the reunion began looming in the near future.
The other option, same question- this time I go into detail... "Well I live with my sister and she has a daughter, Stella, and we have two other single girls who live with us and it is part of our ministry. I also teach, and right now am leading a group of ladies through the story of God. And I have traveled all over the world on mission trips, most recently to the Czech Republic, and..." I trail off as I see their eyes glaze over and they start to search the room for another recognizable face to use as an excuse to escape.
It's not whether or not I have a big house or a fancy car or kids or even a husband that I feel like I needed to justify my existence, but at least I need to have an good answer as to just what it is that I spend my days doing. Not too much to ask I don't think. Of myself, and of God.
My life since deciding to follow Jesus has been an extraordinary case of of strange requests. I have often been in a season that required some real thought as to how to explain what I 'do.' Having inherited my dads predisposition for pride I have not felt very concerned about what others thought about that answer, when I have been able to come up with one, until the reunion began looming in the near future.
Honestly the only thing I was bummed about is the fact that over the last year or so I have gained back some weight I lost and that would have been really nice to walk into that bar looking smokin', 38 year old, hot. So with that to accept and the explanation of my existence to figure out, I leaned heavily toward the 'no I will not attend' box.
How do you sum up 20 years without those pretty normal things to show for it? And even though most of the time I do not feel like my life is less full because I do not have those things, considering the explanation of what I have been doing caused me to spend some time thinking about what I have been through and how I got here.
Come back next week and I'll tell you what I discovered and what I decided.
Friday, August 14, 2009
In the story of Abraham and God, after God promises to make Abraham the father of many nations through his own, as yet un-conceived son, God comes for a visit on His way to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.
I had read this story many times and each time the idea of the conversation between God and Abraham was the outstanding thing for me. How Abe had talked to God is suggesting and seemingly getting God to change His mind. I don’t think God does that so I see it as God setting up this scenario to teach Abraham how to talk to Him and to give him confidence as to how to approach Him. He lets Abe talk Him down in an almost harassing way. Abe says over and over again, “What about this many…” And each time God goes, “OK.”
I loved this. I was a major piece in my learning how to see God in my life as active participant and loving Father.
But this last time I stopped on the part in which God is sitting outside of Abraham’s tent and He asks where Sarah is and Abe says that she is in the tent. He had just asked her to prepare some things for their guests. God promises again; for what I think is the third time, that they will have a child. This time though He gives a time frame. A year from now, He says. And Sarah in the kitchen hears this and laughs. When she comes out with things to serve them I assume, God asks her why she laughed. And her response is ridiculous. She denies that she laughed. And God says, “Yes you did.”
It is such a strange little piece to put in there. They don’t get into a fight and God does not call her a liar. There is no further mention of it at all.
I am learning that in bible study, when something sticks out like that for you, it is not just a strange thing God put in there for some strange reason; it is the Spirit calling you deeper exploration. And it was sticking out for me; because this is my ridiculous response too.
In all of the healing going on for me… I am having trouble letting God see me. And for some ridiculous reason, I think He can’t. In my shame, I am hiding something from Him? Well, I am trying to. I am afraid that if He sees it all He will take away the things I love and I will be rejected and worthless.
So when God confronts Sarah with her disbelief, in fear, she denies it. As if she is able to hide this from God! And God responds by stating clearly and plainly and without judgment that He knows.
To my surprise, this is a great relief to me! I am not afraid because He knows, I am set free from hiding! I am set free not only from trying to keep part of myself hidden from God which is impossible, and tiring, I am relieved because if He does already know… and He hasn’t cast me out as useless and ugly, then… then what? Then He must actually approve of me and love me. If He really sees me, even the things I think He can’t see because I am keeping them inside the tent, if He sees even those things too… then I am free from shame.
Sarah had an honest response of disbelief in that moment. God had made this promise years before also. I would have giggled a little too. But when He asked her why she laughed, meaning to have her answer for her lack of trust and or faith, she was afraid, and I think, ashamed. So she denied it like she believed she could hide something from God. And He told her straight out, you cannot. “Yes you did.” This was not meant to shame her, but to free her. I don’t know if it did or not. But it freed me. 2000 years later, that moment God knew would be recorded and I would see and be freed to let Him see me. Thank you God.
I had read this story many times and each time the idea of the conversation between God and Abraham was the outstanding thing for me. How Abe had talked to God is suggesting and seemingly getting God to change His mind. I don’t think God does that so I see it as God setting up this scenario to teach Abraham how to talk to Him and to give him confidence as to how to approach Him. He lets Abe talk Him down in an almost harassing way. Abe says over and over again, “What about this many…” And each time God goes, “OK.”
I loved this. I was a major piece in my learning how to see God in my life as active participant and loving Father.
But this last time I stopped on the part in which God is sitting outside of Abraham’s tent and He asks where Sarah is and Abe says that she is in the tent. He had just asked her to prepare some things for their guests. God promises again; for what I think is the third time, that they will have a child. This time though He gives a time frame. A year from now, He says. And Sarah in the kitchen hears this and laughs. When she comes out with things to serve them I assume, God asks her why she laughed. And her response is ridiculous. She denies that she laughed. And God says, “Yes you did.”
It is such a strange little piece to put in there. They don’t get into a fight and God does not call her a liar. There is no further mention of it at all.
I am learning that in bible study, when something sticks out like that for you, it is not just a strange thing God put in there for some strange reason; it is the Spirit calling you deeper exploration. And it was sticking out for me; because this is my ridiculous response too.
In all of the healing going on for me… I am having trouble letting God see me. And for some ridiculous reason, I think He can’t. In my shame, I am hiding something from Him? Well, I am trying to. I am afraid that if He sees it all He will take away the things I love and I will be rejected and worthless.
So when God confronts Sarah with her disbelief, in fear, she denies it. As if she is able to hide this from God! And God responds by stating clearly and plainly and without judgment that He knows.
To my surprise, this is a great relief to me! I am not afraid because He knows, I am set free from hiding! I am set free not only from trying to keep part of myself hidden from God which is impossible, and tiring, I am relieved because if He does already know… and He hasn’t cast me out as useless and ugly, then… then what? Then He must actually approve of me and love me. If He really sees me, even the things I think He can’t see because I am keeping them inside the tent, if He sees even those things too… then I am free from shame.
Sarah had an honest response of disbelief in that moment. God had made this promise years before also. I would have giggled a little too. But when He asked her why she laughed, meaning to have her answer for her lack of trust and or faith, she was afraid, and I think, ashamed. So she denied it like she believed she could hide something from God. And He told her straight out, you cannot. “Yes you did.” This was not meant to shame her, but to free her. I don’t know if it did or not. But it freed me. 2000 years later, that moment God knew would be recorded and I would see and be freed to let Him see me. Thank you God.
My Filing Cabinet is in God's Throne Room
So many things are running through my head again.
How I loved the movie Julie/Julia and am wondering if I need a 'hook' as it were, to get more people to read this.
I am going to my high school reunion tonight, my 20 year, and I'm wondering if I will remember all of the people I am supposed to, and if facebook is any indicator, I will not.
I am thinking about Erin and Amy and Roberta and Brandt and Pavel and Ales and Alca.
Thoughts of yesterday's story of God group and how Emily asked me what the biggest blessing for me was about teaching it and in the middle of my people pleasing answer she interjected that it is the fact that I am getting to have my calling confirmed and fulfilled and isn't that the best, and I swear I wanted to cry.
(As organized as I feel sometimes I wish life came with a schedule and a filing system.)
I live in what is, without biased opinion, one of the most beautiful places on the earth and I don't feel like I could ever soak in enough of it.
I am wondering how much longer this road toward healing with my mom is.
I am realizing that one of the things that God has given me to tell people has to do with responsibility of owning your own junk and then teaching them to walk through that with Him.
(Btw- the basis for the freedom is the work in the area of bitter root issues.)
I am enjoying being free of anger and constantly surprised at how people are again responding to this increased softness in me. (Thank you Jennifer, Matt, Brandon, Erika, and Erin for being part of that.)
I am overwhelmed with all of the things I could pray about today.
Maybe my filing cabinet is in God's throne room. I think I'll go in there and have Him help me go over some of these things.
May each of you recognize that today you are right where you are supposed to be and that, all by itself, is the greatest experience of love by our Daddy. Take time today to look around and soak in your life. It's happening right in front of you.
Now, rest.
P.S.
Thank all of you who made comments and had ideas about the last blog. Keep those coming. It is what keeps me going. And this time- tell me what you think about this thing. Is it too long? Do I need a cute tag line or a more structured purpose? How often should I update the writing? The pictures? Any ideas.
How I loved the movie Julie/Julia and am wondering if I need a 'hook' as it were, to get more people to read this.
I am going to my high school reunion tonight, my 20 year, and I'm wondering if I will remember all of the people I am supposed to, and if facebook is any indicator, I will not.
I am thinking about Erin and Amy and Roberta and Brandt and Pavel and Ales and Alca.
Thoughts of yesterday's story of God group and how Emily asked me what the biggest blessing for me was about teaching it and in the middle of my people pleasing answer she interjected that it is the fact that I am getting to have my calling confirmed and fulfilled and isn't that the best, and I swear I wanted to cry.
(As organized as I feel sometimes I wish life came with a schedule and a filing system.)
I live in what is, without biased opinion, one of the most beautiful places on the earth and I don't feel like I could ever soak in enough of it.
I am wondering how much longer this road toward healing with my mom is.
I am realizing that one of the things that God has given me to tell people has to do with responsibility of owning your own junk and then teaching them to walk through that with Him.
(Btw- the basis for the freedom is the work in the area of bitter root issues.)
I am enjoying being free of anger and constantly surprised at how people are again responding to this increased softness in me. (Thank you Jennifer, Matt, Brandon, Erika, and Erin for being part of that.)
I am overwhelmed with all of the things I could pray about today.
Maybe my filing cabinet is in God's throne room. I think I'll go in there and have Him help me go over some of these things.
May each of you recognize that today you are right where you are supposed to be and that, all by itself, is the greatest experience of love by our Daddy. Take time today to look around and soak in your life. It's happening right in front of you.
Now, rest.
P.S.
Thank all of you who made comments and had ideas about the last blog. Keep those coming. It is what keeps me going. And this time- tell me what you think about this thing. Is it too long? Do I need a cute tag line or a more structured purpose? How often should I update the writing? The pictures? Any ideas.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Egads! What does it feel like to feel gifted and compelled and worthy of a voice?!
I tell you it feels like freedom and a little fear.
There are just too many things going on to explain it all, so I will just pick one thing and go with that. What should it be??? How about how I was a prisoner to anger and bitterness all of my life feeling like what I had to say didn't matter, and this stemming from being raped when I was eight years old and used my voice to tell them to stop, and they did it anyway leaving me feeling rage, and being unable to express it began a pattern of negative, hate filled dialogue in my head that continued on for 30 years stealing my ability to feel my life and any joy.
Yeah, like I said, Egads!
Now try this on for size.
Over the past 10 years, with the loving hand of God as my guide, I have been peeling back layer after layer of fear, addiction, and anxiety only to find anger underneath causing all kinds of mayhem in my mind and heart and after peeling back the layer of abuse begins the process of dealing with the actual events in which God has kindly and Kingly rewritten in my memory, mind, and heart freeing me to come out from under victim-hood and and feel the anger just before He defused it and gave me back my voice.
Hope, hope and more hope dear friends. But it does not come without the work. God is a God of if/then and you can claim promises all day until you are blue in the face and all you will get is a part in an episode of the Smurfs.
Let's see how this works...
I was sitting at church and we had broken into small groups to pray together and my group being made up of people who all know each other very well was discussing some things. I was sharing that having tapped into my root of anger had me a little worried that if it were to come out it would destroy the entire north end of Tacoma. I had enough anger to kill everyone and smash all of their stuff and burn all of their houses down so I could hurt them the way I had been hurt. My friend who is a fireman took a mental note I think.
Someone asked about dealing with anger and I said, and my sister agreed, that I would never encourage anyone to take on the process of healing if they did not first claim at least the faith of a mustard seed.
Another person in our circle was my friend Annie's 13 year old daughter Makenzie. When she heard this she said excitedly, "I have a scripture!" She picked up a bible and began looking for the verse. When she got to it she read it to herself and then closed her bible. I asked her what it had said and she said that it had been the wrong one. She said, "I was looking for one that said something about a mustard seed but I was wrong, all it said was something about prayer and fasting of food." I said for her to took it up and read it. She read us Matthew 17:21, "However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting of food." My fireman friend suggested that we rip that page our and throw it away. I laughed and agreed, but I knew God was using her to tell me that this was how I needed to deal with my anger. To pray and to fast from food. It is always food with me!
Annie, being practically a bible scholar, told Makenzie to read the rest of the scripture around this verse, but she said no and we all went back to our seats and continued with worship. But I knew what had happened, and I knew that God had given me an answer and saved the north end of Tacoma.
When I got home I looked up the verse and read the entire chapter. It's about Jesus curing a boy who suffered from seizures. The disciples had tried to help the boy but could not and when they asked Jesus why He said, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "Move from here to there," and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting."
Ha! She was right on top of the verse! But I needed the other part and God knew that. And if Makenzie had listened to the Spirit in her mother she would have seen that she was not wrong and found the verse she was looking for.
All things work together for God's glory my friends. The big and the small things. I got an answer I wasn't even really aware that I was looking for, Makenzie got to be used by God to help me, and my fireman friend got to sleep easier.
So fast from food, and pray I did and two days ago I spent my first anger free day in 30 years. I didn't wake up to bugles or fireworks. It was very subtle, yet very obvious. There was just something missing and it was something that I didn't miss. I'm not sure yet all of the ways this will effect me, but I know there will be many.
One way that has been so exciting already is the fact that I know what I have to say matters. And as a writer and a teacher that is an extraordinary thing.
Oh but a buyer beware tale... The day after I was done fasting and praying is the day that I lead a small group. Several things conspired that morning to get me angry and to make me feel like no one cared about what I had to say. Instead of racing through several angry speeches in my head I just sat down and asked God what was going on. I realized that I was being tested which made a lot of sense after what I had been going through. I just sat back and let the understanding wash over me and God revealed several things to me. One that the overflowing well of anger was dried up and there wasn't even enough for one angry speech. Two that it does matter what I have to say, but that awareness comes from my trust in Him and not from what and when I say anything. And third that without a test to prove these other two things, I might never have seen so clearly the freedom I had just newly walked into.
I love you Guys, and you guys too.
I tell you it feels like freedom and a little fear.
There are just too many things going on to explain it all, so I will just pick one thing and go with that. What should it be??? How about how I was a prisoner to anger and bitterness all of my life feeling like what I had to say didn't matter, and this stemming from being raped when I was eight years old and used my voice to tell them to stop, and they did it anyway leaving me feeling rage, and being unable to express it began a pattern of negative, hate filled dialogue in my head that continued on for 30 years stealing my ability to feel my life and any joy.
Yeah, like I said, Egads!
Now try this on for size.
Over the past 10 years, with the loving hand of God as my guide, I have been peeling back layer after layer of fear, addiction, and anxiety only to find anger underneath causing all kinds of mayhem in my mind and heart and after peeling back the layer of abuse begins the process of dealing with the actual events in which God has kindly and Kingly rewritten in my memory, mind, and heart freeing me to come out from under victim-hood and and feel the anger just before He defused it and gave me back my voice.
Hope, hope and more hope dear friends. But it does not come without the work. God is a God of if/then and you can claim promises all day until you are blue in the face and all you will get is a part in an episode of the Smurfs.
Let's see how this works...
I was sitting at church and we had broken into small groups to pray together and my group being made up of people who all know each other very well was discussing some things. I was sharing that having tapped into my root of anger had me a little worried that if it were to come out it would destroy the entire north end of Tacoma. I had enough anger to kill everyone and smash all of their stuff and burn all of their houses down so I could hurt them the way I had been hurt. My friend who is a fireman took a mental note I think.
Someone asked about dealing with anger and I said, and my sister agreed, that I would never encourage anyone to take on the process of healing if they did not first claim at least the faith of a mustard seed.
Another person in our circle was my friend Annie's 13 year old daughter Makenzie. When she heard this she said excitedly, "I have a scripture!" She picked up a bible and began looking for the verse. When she got to it she read it to herself and then closed her bible. I asked her what it had said and she said that it had been the wrong one. She said, "I was looking for one that said something about a mustard seed but I was wrong, all it said was something about prayer and fasting of food." I said for her to took it up and read it. She read us Matthew 17:21, "However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting of food." My fireman friend suggested that we rip that page our and throw it away. I laughed and agreed, but I knew God was using her to tell me that this was how I needed to deal with my anger. To pray and to fast from food. It is always food with me!
Annie, being practically a bible scholar, told Makenzie to read the rest of the scripture around this verse, but she said no and we all went back to our seats and continued with worship. But I knew what had happened, and I knew that God had given me an answer and saved the north end of Tacoma.
When I got home I looked up the verse and read the entire chapter. It's about Jesus curing a boy who suffered from seizures. The disciples had tried to help the boy but could not and when they asked Jesus why He said, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "Move from here to there," and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting."
Ha! She was right on top of the verse! But I needed the other part and God knew that. And if Makenzie had listened to the Spirit in her mother she would have seen that she was not wrong and found the verse she was looking for.
All things work together for God's glory my friends. The big and the small things. I got an answer I wasn't even really aware that I was looking for, Makenzie got to be used by God to help me, and my fireman friend got to sleep easier.
So fast from food, and pray I did and two days ago I spent my first anger free day in 30 years. I didn't wake up to bugles or fireworks. It was very subtle, yet very obvious. There was just something missing and it was something that I didn't miss. I'm not sure yet all of the ways this will effect me, but I know there will be many.
One way that has been so exciting already is the fact that I know what I have to say matters. And as a writer and a teacher that is an extraordinary thing.
Oh but a buyer beware tale... The day after I was done fasting and praying is the day that I lead a small group. Several things conspired that morning to get me angry and to make me feel like no one cared about what I had to say. Instead of racing through several angry speeches in my head I just sat down and asked God what was going on. I realized that I was being tested which made a lot of sense after what I had been going through. I just sat back and let the understanding wash over me and God revealed several things to me. One that the overflowing well of anger was dried up and there wasn't even enough for one angry speech. Two that it does matter what I have to say, but that awareness comes from my trust in Him and not from what and when I say anything. And third that without a test to prove these other two things, I might never have seen so clearly the freedom I had just newly walked into.
I love you Guys, and you guys too.
Friday, July 17, 2009
As I have started to add some structure to my string of seemingly endless, God-centered days I have been given some tools to categorize things. I work better when things have a place and a label. (I realize this is not helping my case of not being obsessive compulsive.) Some of the labels are 'physical tasks,' 'relational tasks,' and the one I love most, 'ministry tasks.' Physical tasks are my stretching time in the morning and any other exercise I get in. Relational tasks are time I invest in the people God has put in my life to know and love and pastor. In the ministry task category falls reading and writing and teaching, all things that I find the least complicated. And the categories often overlap because sometimes I will go for a walk with someone I love and we get time to talk; then the physical and relational are both in play.
Two of my favorite ministry tasks right now are writing this blog and teaching what we call at Soma, the story of God. It is a condensed version of the bible taught with the intention of causing dialogue creating a familiar relationship with the people and stories and person of God for each person in the group. That sounds official doesn't it? I just made it up. But, it is the purpose and the way in which my pastor is growing me and mentoring me into whatever God has next is by having me lead it. I am passionate about it because I am only now after ten years of loving Jesus, living in the truth and fullness that this book, this ancient text, is an operators manual and a love letter to me from The Creator of everything.
Next week I am going to share with you the powerful way in which God has used the Song of Songs as a love letter to me, but today I have to share with you an idea that came up yesterday during our story of God discussion.
We are on week three and that is the story of Cain and Abel. The first week is of the creation and the second is of the disruption, or the fall, and if you get too far into the story without going back over each of them they can easily become disjointed, individual stories instead of the history of one family, and of us. For me that has been a big reason that it's hard to read the bible. I have not understood the flow of stories and their places in time. The usual Sunday school fare are stories taken out of context and asked to stand on their own which leaves out understanding of the cause and effect throughout history and of the layer upon layer of care, provision, and redemption God has offered us from day one.
The conversation in our group has been interesting and deep and many questions have been asked and some answers have been uncovered. It is so exciting for me to lead people though discovery of of His love and adoration for us. It's a totally new way of leading for me, and it is totally based on the way God and Jesus both teach. They ask questions so that you have to think and as a result you own and can claim the answer. There is power in that like no other. Power enough to change your life. They have all gone away from the discussion asking more questions than we had time to discuss, and that has lead them to do some digging on their own. We have talked about the big questions, the ones that seemingly have no answers. Like, why did God put us here with Satan on the prowl? And why did He tempt us with the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? And why didn't Adam and Eve trust God and not eat the fruit? I have gone though this story before and heard some of the smartest teachers I know leave those questions unanswered. So I was shocked for my little group to put together something of an answer, and a satisfactory one at that.
We were discussing why they, meaning Cain, Adam, and Eve, didn't trust Him and applying that to our own lives. The comment then was the fact that Adam and Even had no reason not to trust God. Their lives had been perfect and in perfect union with their Creator. They had known no abuse or pain or doubt and still they didn't heed His warning. We all shared some of our areas that have caused us pain and that keep us from trusting God. Areas like not being modeled trust or being betrayed and finding it hard to trust again. But in the garden these things were not present. We have reasons not to trust, they had none. And still they didn't. Usually that is as far as that discussion gets. It's sometimes interesting, but a waste of time to speculate too much. But in that moment for me God began to draw connecting lines that explained more.
From even just the first little bit of the bible, the creation, the disruption, and Cain and Abel, we see that God is a relational God. That is one of things that is always discussed during these stories. He walks with Adam and Eve. He desires their company and comes looking for them in the cool of the day. He has a heartfelt conversation with Cain about his offering. So, if the angels were only created to praise and we were created in His image, He must have been desiring a more balanced connection, and that is reflected in His interactions with us.
At first He sets us up in the prefect environment. Everything provided and His attention included. But there is the deal of the tree... Why would He even tempt us to chose wrongly and ruin everything? My new thought was what if the garden was not the perfect scenario? What if it was just the perfect beginning, and knowing that if He gave us free will the pain of us choosing wrongly would be devastating, but having the option to chose and choosing rightly would bring even greater joy and satisfaction than even the pain of death could destroy.
God created us as His image bearers and in that we were given the power to choose. It seems that they chose wrong when they ate the fruit because it brought about so much pain and suffering to come. But what if the garden was not ideal for a relationship with God? It was beautiful and everything needed was there, but there was no need for choice. There was nothing that compelled us to chose Him. Nothing that caused us to desire and pursue a relationship with Him. That would never have been His reason for creating us. To live this perfect, clean, easy life with all of the power of free will just sitting idle. What if what we have now is the perfect set up? The garden of Eden was a womb experience and never intended to last forever, and this grand adventure of struggle and toil and victory and defeat was waiting to be lived once we were moved outside the protection of the Father in the garden.
His desire to have a real and chosen relationship from us is His driving motivation or else why would He have given us the power to love and understand and discuss beyond the capabilities of the animals and even the angels? Because being chosen is the reward for giving us the option to choose. This means that we are not suffering terrible consequences from our broken moment in the garden. We are living out the God intended purpose of glory in relationship with Him and it is only our inability to see that that keeps us from enjoying fully a healing and restorative relationship with our Creator and Father.
I don't know about you but having this new thought makes the light in my room seem brighter and the fears of my day unsubstantial. And it makes smile because I know He told this to me so that would happen. So my joy would be increased. And I know He is pleased by my desire to know Him and by my choice to love Him. This is the perfect scenario.
Two of my favorite ministry tasks right now are writing this blog and teaching what we call at Soma, the story of God. It is a condensed version of the bible taught with the intention of causing dialogue creating a familiar relationship with the people and stories and person of God for each person in the group. That sounds official doesn't it? I just made it up. But, it is the purpose and the way in which my pastor is growing me and mentoring me into whatever God has next is by having me lead it. I am passionate about it because I am only now after ten years of loving Jesus, living in the truth and fullness that this book, this ancient text, is an operators manual and a love letter to me from The Creator of everything.
Next week I am going to share with you the powerful way in which God has used the Song of Songs as a love letter to me, but today I have to share with you an idea that came up yesterday during our story of God discussion.
We are on week three and that is the story of Cain and Abel. The first week is of the creation and the second is of the disruption, or the fall, and if you get too far into the story without going back over each of them they can easily become disjointed, individual stories instead of the history of one family, and of us. For me that has been a big reason that it's hard to read the bible. I have not understood the flow of stories and their places in time. The usual Sunday school fare are stories taken out of context and asked to stand on their own which leaves out understanding of the cause and effect throughout history and of the layer upon layer of care, provision, and redemption God has offered us from day one.
The conversation in our group has been interesting and deep and many questions have been asked and some answers have been uncovered. It is so exciting for me to lead people though discovery of of His love and adoration for us. It's a totally new way of leading for me, and it is totally based on the way God and Jesus both teach. They ask questions so that you have to think and as a result you own and can claim the answer. There is power in that like no other. Power enough to change your life. They have all gone away from the discussion asking more questions than we had time to discuss, and that has lead them to do some digging on their own. We have talked about the big questions, the ones that seemingly have no answers. Like, why did God put us here with Satan on the prowl? And why did He tempt us with the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? And why didn't Adam and Eve trust God and not eat the fruit? I have gone though this story before and heard some of the smartest teachers I know leave those questions unanswered. So I was shocked for my little group to put together something of an answer, and a satisfactory one at that.
We were discussing why they, meaning Cain, Adam, and Eve, didn't trust Him and applying that to our own lives. The comment then was the fact that Adam and Even had no reason not to trust God. Their lives had been perfect and in perfect union with their Creator. They had known no abuse or pain or doubt and still they didn't heed His warning. We all shared some of our areas that have caused us pain and that keep us from trusting God. Areas like not being modeled trust or being betrayed and finding it hard to trust again. But in the garden these things were not present. We have reasons not to trust, they had none. And still they didn't. Usually that is as far as that discussion gets. It's sometimes interesting, but a waste of time to speculate too much. But in that moment for me God began to draw connecting lines that explained more.
From even just the first little bit of the bible, the creation, the disruption, and Cain and Abel, we see that God is a relational God. That is one of things that is always discussed during these stories. He walks with Adam and Eve. He desires their company and comes looking for them in the cool of the day. He has a heartfelt conversation with Cain about his offering. So, if the angels were only created to praise and we were created in His image, He must have been desiring a more balanced connection, and that is reflected in His interactions with us.
At first He sets us up in the prefect environment. Everything provided and His attention included. But there is the deal of the tree... Why would He even tempt us to chose wrongly and ruin everything? My new thought was what if the garden was not the perfect scenario? What if it was just the perfect beginning, and knowing that if He gave us free will the pain of us choosing wrongly would be devastating, but having the option to chose and choosing rightly would bring even greater joy and satisfaction than even the pain of death could destroy.
God created us as His image bearers and in that we were given the power to choose. It seems that they chose wrong when they ate the fruit because it brought about so much pain and suffering to come. But what if the garden was not ideal for a relationship with God? It was beautiful and everything needed was there, but there was no need for choice. There was nothing that compelled us to chose Him. Nothing that caused us to desire and pursue a relationship with Him. That would never have been His reason for creating us. To live this perfect, clean, easy life with all of the power of free will just sitting idle. What if what we have now is the perfect set up? The garden of Eden was a womb experience and never intended to last forever, and this grand adventure of struggle and toil and victory and defeat was waiting to be lived once we were moved outside the protection of the Father in the garden.
His desire to have a real and chosen relationship from us is His driving motivation or else why would He have given us the power to love and understand and discuss beyond the capabilities of the animals and even the angels? Because being chosen is the reward for giving us the option to choose. This means that we are not suffering terrible consequences from our broken moment in the garden. We are living out the God intended purpose of glory in relationship with Him and it is only our inability to see that that keeps us from enjoying fully a healing and restorative relationship with our Creator and Father.
I don't know about you but having this new thought makes the light in my room seem brighter and the fears of my day unsubstantial. And it makes smile because I know He told this to me so that would happen. So my joy would be increased. And I know He is pleased by my desire to know Him and by my choice to love Him. This is the perfect scenario.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I am so tired! I feel like I have been going nonstop for weeks. I guess I have gotten used to having a lot of down time. I think I like it that way better and am pretty sure I am willing to give up the extra perks that I could afford if I gave it up.
I found out that my dear friend and accountability partner is having another baby. That is exciting. She and her husband already have the cutest baby boy. It's nice of them to keep adding beauty to the world.
My sweet Amy is keeping her lovely foster daughter for a few more months, and that is good news. We talked for a while the other day about how broken the system is and the ways we would like to change it. It seems to be more geared toward protecting the parents rights than the rights of child. I told her about my wanting to have a huge house where I adopt all of the kids between the ages of 13 and 18 and give them a family and find people to pay for them to got to college. Or maybe after I finish a book, I will pay for it. :)
We spent time in California with our family there. It was 100 degrees. Not my favorite. We don't see them very often so it was good to catch up. It seems that at a certain point in life situations don't change much. A job change here. A new husband there...
I have been working on the stuff my friends will use to teach at the Czech camp this year. I am not going, but still wanted to be as involved as possible. It's my first time doing work and not going. Not my favorite either. I love those people and hope I get to see them at some point this year. I just needed to be here and intentional with this summer.
My Stella Grace is growing like a weed. Or more like a flower really, she is so pretty. She is funny and smart and so easy to get along with. I am impressed with her every day. I was thinking the other day about how much she has changed and grown and that it would have been so sad to miss seeing it. To have been here for only small parts, and to be shocked at how much she had changed each time I saw her, would never have been ok with me. I am so blessed to know her the way I do. And so blessed that my sister is willing to share her with me.
Jen is a full time artist now. She has us booked through the fall shooting weddings. I am being her second shooter, another reason for no Czech trip this year. I really want to help her get this thing off of the ground, and besides it is so fun working with her, and the money ain't bad either. :)
I am teaching a small group once a week here at the house. It is the best thing I know how to do and the one thing that makes me fully alive. Last week we not only got to have really great discussion about the bible, but we got to spend over an hour praying Frontline hot seat style. It was so powerful it made me realize that I have to learn how to prepare for that kind of thing better and how to recharge after.
I spent the 4th at my friend's house eating steak and corn on the cob. Then I watched the big fireworks show from my bathroom window. I giggled thinking how those things must look from heaven. I felt grateful for this amazing place we call home and the history of how it got to be here. When the show was over I could hear the several thousand people cheering from down the hill. I thought you gotta love that God. We are so creative and happy right now. It was beautiful.
I have not been writing my stuff for a few weeks being busy with travel and Czech stuff. I really miss it. I'm almost done with a children's story so I think I'll try and finish that this week. I was thinking about C.S. Lewis and how most people only read his fantasy stuff. His Christian teachings are some of the most wonderful things ever written on the subject. In my opinion. Makes me wonder.
I am reading several books given to me by my pastor. They are interesting and such a blessing. So many people are sewing into my life right now. It's impossible to believe. I am feeling more free and enjoying the day to day journey like I never have before. That my friends... is what is at the end of the rainbow.
Love you all.
j-
I found out that my dear friend and accountability partner is having another baby. That is exciting. She and her husband already have the cutest baby boy. It's nice of them to keep adding beauty to the world.
My sweet Amy is keeping her lovely foster daughter for a few more months, and that is good news. We talked for a while the other day about how broken the system is and the ways we would like to change it. It seems to be more geared toward protecting the parents rights than the rights of child. I told her about my wanting to have a huge house where I adopt all of the kids between the ages of 13 and 18 and give them a family and find people to pay for them to got to college. Or maybe after I finish a book, I will pay for it. :)
We spent time in California with our family there. It was 100 degrees. Not my favorite. We don't see them very often so it was good to catch up. It seems that at a certain point in life situations don't change much. A job change here. A new husband there...
I have been working on the stuff my friends will use to teach at the Czech camp this year. I am not going, but still wanted to be as involved as possible. It's my first time doing work and not going. Not my favorite either. I love those people and hope I get to see them at some point this year. I just needed to be here and intentional with this summer.
My Stella Grace is growing like a weed. Or more like a flower really, she is so pretty. She is funny and smart and so easy to get along with. I am impressed with her every day. I was thinking the other day about how much she has changed and grown and that it would have been so sad to miss seeing it. To have been here for only small parts, and to be shocked at how much she had changed each time I saw her, would never have been ok with me. I am so blessed to know her the way I do. And so blessed that my sister is willing to share her with me.
Jen is a full time artist now. She has us booked through the fall shooting weddings. I am being her second shooter, another reason for no Czech trip this year. I really want to help her get this thing off of the ground, and besides it is so fun working with her, and the money ain't bad either. :)
I am teaching a small group once a week here at the house. It is the best thing I know how to do and the one thing that makes me fully alive. Last week we not only got to have really great discussion about the bible, but we got to spend over an hour praying Frontline hot seat style. It was so powerful it made me realize that I have to learn how to prepare for that kind of thing better and how to recharge after.
I spent the 4th at my friend's house eating steak and corn on the cob. Then I watched the big fireworks show from my bathroom window. I giggled thinking how those things must look from heaven. I felt grateful for this amazing place we call home and the history of how it got to be here. When the show was over I could hear the several thousand people cheering from down the hill. I thought you gotta love that God. We are so creative and happy right now. It was beautiful.
I have not been writing my stuff for a few weeks being busy with travel and Czech stuff. I really miss it. I'm almost done with a children's story so I think I'll try and finish that this week. I was thinking about C.S. Lewis and how most people only read his fantasy stuff. His Christian teachings are some of the most wonderful things ever written on the subject. In my opinion. Makes me wonder.
I am reading several books given to me by my pastor. They are interesting and such a blessing. So many people are sewing into my life right now. It's impossible to believe. I am feeling more free and enjoying the day to day journey like I never have before. That my friends... is what is at the end of the rainbow.
Love you all.
j-
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