So many things going on in my life creating so many things to think and pray about, but today I am just wondering what it is that we want to hear?
I have come to see that there are only a certain number of possible options for the human experience. We each have our own specific details, sometimes, but the themes of experiences and reactions are limited.
This is reflected most obviously in the fact that a document with pieces written 2000 years ago can still have very applicable lessons in our lives today.
So why then when someone says, "I know how you feel." Or, "I understand what you are going through." Why is that so hard to believe?
Maybe if we didn't feel so separate and individual... Society has built us, for several decades, to come to rely on ways of communicating that don't involve face time. We are taught to look out for number one. And this part of the country I am in is totally dedicated to the desires and ideas of the individual. There are men who are not gay and do not live with their mom and are over 35 and have never been married. They are married to their bike or their climbing gear or their passion for music. Not that having things you love isn't important to making life rich, but when things have not only replaced God as idols in our lives, but have also taken precedent over relationships with people, well maybe that is why we find it so hard to ask for and receive help and love. We have dismantled the fiber of community and we can no longer let ourselves ,or get ourselves, to believe that our experience is in now way unique to us.
I have a friend who is going though something that I walked through about 6 years ago. She is reacting the same way I did. I can feel the anxious energy and see the desired, hopeful outcome. And I know when I say to her that I know where she is and how it feels, it means nothing. She does not believe that we are alike, or I used to be like that, and therefore feels very alone and doesn't even realize it.
Now many things can stand in the way of offering this kind of advice. If your heart and motives are not pure you sound judgmental or condescending. But in this instance I just really want her to know how it works out in the end. If she would let me I could give her a glimpse of the future and it would relieve some of the stress and panic, I think.
I know I never allowed people to speak like that into my life. Another way she and I are alike.
So that is my question. What do we want to hear if it's not something that can let us know that we are not alone, and do not have to figure this out because it has already been done. And been done MANY times.
And if we can't hear it from each other, maybe that is a reason why so many people who claim to trust God don't have lives that prove that. By living in strife and confusion and shame and guilt, having the divinely inspired word right in their face, says that this Christianity thing just doesn't work. And that is a lie.
If we learn to see ourselves as part of something so much bigger our ego does take a hit, but our relationship with the one who created everything can then move from head knowledge to heart knowledge and out lives start to reflect the truth that God is real and mighty to save.
Feeling very much a part of my community on Sunday morning I was able to hear God speak through a song that made my freedom even more real than the day before. It said, "All her sins were cast on Me, so she must and shall go free." As I took that personally, I closed my eyes and my ears seemed to filter all others singing out but one man. I know this man and his heart for God and his respect for women and his love for his wife, and in that moment he was Jesus for me confirming that it's not only possible or an option, but that because of what He did, I MUST and SHALL go FREE!
That is what I needed to hear. That Jesus had been there, my brother had been there, my savior had been there, and by what He chose to do I am going to be completely free.
Maybe that's the answer. To not compare my life with hers, but to just remind her of His love for her. And as God showed me on Sunday, we do that by being Jesus for one another. Just like that moment during the song. As part of a community that man allowed himself to be Jesus for me by singing out loudly, and feeling safe and a part of the community I received that.
Now I am going to close this laptop where I can spend all day doing very productive things and go be Jesus for my friend who needs some help around her house. Who can you be Jesus for today?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I started doing this very responsible thing in honor of being committed and faithful with this blog idea. I was even encouraged by a friend of mine to focus on this avenue of writing which confirmed for me what I had been feeling about it. So with new intention in mind I started to keep notes on things I wanted to write about and then instead of going with whatever was on my mind at the moment I have been going back and digging deeper into things that had been percolating for a while. This seemed not only an easier way, but a better way to make sure my thoughts were fully processed, and it has kept me writing each week because I don't have to try and come up with something on the spot.
But... today I have to share something I learned yesterday. It is such an overwhelming truth that I hope every single person in the world reads it.
I was meeting with Abe, my pastor/mentor/teacher/small group leader. And yes, his life reflects that he wears all of those hats in that he is super busy. We talked about a lot of things that concern our small group and our church. We also talked about how I am feeling about being a woman, and a single one at that, who is called to teach and pastor.
In my life, being a woman has been something that I have been ashamed of. First as a part of a world where "you throw like a girl" is an insult. Second by being raised in a religious environment that does not know that women are God's most beautiful creation with all of the gifts and inheritance afforded to men. And third because we have accepted the absurd notion that all women are supposed to look similar in shape to be considered valued and desired.
These things have caused in me not only a war against who I was created to be, but also a shame based way of thinking about myself.
Abe told me he believes, and I agree, that there are 3 voices that can contribute to the negative tapes of self hate. The voice of the flesh, the voice of the devil, and the voice of the world.
Here is the part that knocked the wind out of me yesterday.
He said that he read in a John Eldridge book the idea that as we hear each of those voices reminding us of lies we believe about ourselves like, you are stupid, or fat, or boring, and the corresponding feeling begins to surface of shame, or fear, or guilt, that as the tape plays, others hear it and respond to it. The idea is that while I am hearing those things and believing them, another person who I am interacting with can hear those things also and start to believe them about me and react as if they are true. For example I feel like I am being overlooked because I am a woman. During a conversation with Abe he begins to think that he can't give me a certain responsibility because I am a woman. In essence agreeing with me about my own negative self talk. In the world it is called self fulfilling prophecy or manifestation of negative self talk, but that makes it all about, and all up to, us. This idea, like all of Jesus' ideas, makes us responsible for and to each other. If while I am talking with a friend of mine and I find myself thinking, "Man you really are not smart," then I get the opportunity to stop and realize they already feel that way about themselves and I am hearing their inner evil voice tear them apart from the inside out.
OH MY GOD! The weight and responsibility of that set heavily on me as the awareness of whom I had done that exact thing with came to mind. I had agreed with their hate filled inner voice and thought and acted on it! OH MY GOD! Heartbreaking! And encouraging to know that I can stop that from effecting others; and that when I leave those voices of mine behind for good, well it will be different I am sure.
My friend Dani reminded me, after I shared this with her, that we are told to pray for more gifts of the spirit. Those of you that have a mercy gift may not find yourself being judgmental or critical as often, but those of us who don't share in that naturally, need more grace and kindness. I have prayed for that, and now have another thread woven ever so precisely into the fabric I call my life. All of the sudden it is a carpet of flowers in soft, pastel colors and thick, deep pile that makes for a safe place to land. For me, and for you.
But... today I have to share something I learned yesterday. It is such an overwhelming truth that I hope every single person in the world reads it.
I was meeting with Abe, my pastor/mentor/teacher/small group leader. And yes, his life reflects that he wears all of those hats in that he is super busy. We talked about a lot of things that concern our small group and our church. We also talked about how I am feeling about being a woman, and a single one at that, who is called to teach and pastor.
In my life, being a woman has been something that I have been ashamed of. First as a part of a world where "you throw like a girl" is an insult. Second by being raised in a religious environment that does not know that women are God's most beautiful creation with all of the gifts and inheritance afforded to men. And third because we have accepted the absurd notion that all women are supposed to look similar in shape to be considered valued and desired.
These things have caused in me not only a war against who I was created to be, but also a shame based way of thinking about myself.
Abe told me he believes, and I agree, that there are 3 voices that can contribute to the negative tapes of self hate. The voice of the flesh, the voice of the devil, and the voice of the world.
Here is the part that knocked the wind out of me yesterday.
He said that he read in a John Eldridge book the idea that as we hear each of those voices reminding us of lies we believe about ourselves like, you are stupid, or fat, or boring, and the corresponding feeling begins to surface of shame, or fear, or guilt, that as the tape plays, others hear it and respond to it. The idea is that while I am hearing those things and believing them, another person who I am interacting with can hear those things also and start to believe them about me and react as if they are true. For example I feel like I am being overlooked because I am a woman. During a conversation with Abe he begins to think that he can't give me a certain responsibility because I am a woman. In essence agreeing with me about my own negative self talk. In the world it is called self fulfilling prophecy or manifestation of negative self talk, but that makes it all about, and all up to, us. This idea, like all of Jesus' ideas, makes us responsible for and to each other. If while I am talking with a friend of mine and I find myself thinking, "Man you really are not smart," then I get the opportunity to stop and realize they already feel that way about themselves and I am hearing their inner evil voice tear them apart from the inside out.
OH MY GOD! The weight and responsibility of that set heavily on me as the awareness of whom I had done that exact thing with came to mind. I had agreed with their hate filled inner voice and thought and acted on it! OH MY GOD! Heartbreaking! And encouraging to know that I can stop that from effecting others; and that when I leave those voices of mine behind for good, well it will be different I am sure.
My friend Dani reminded me, after I shared this with her, that we are told to pray for more gifts of the spirit. Those of you that have a mercy gift may not find yourself being judgmental or critical as often, but those of us who don't share in that naturally, need more grace and kindness. I have prayed for that, and now have another thread woven ever so precisely into the fabric I call my life. All of the sudden it is a carpet of flowers in soft, pastel colors and thick, deep pile that makes for a safe place to land. For me, and for you.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Something interesting came up during Soma school while we were discussing the story of Noah. The story goes that after Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden, and there were many, many people on the earth, all of the people were out of control and were full of selfishness and violence. It was so bad that it caused God to regret even making us. I wonder how often He has felt that way since then, but has to be reminded of His promise no to kill us all. I can see Jesus and some of the angels getting together for coffee and talking about how they have to go to Him again and remind Him of the promise He made to Noah, maybe Noah is even there. Michael would be like, "Hey Jesus, I know it keeps coming up, but You guys seem especially angry today..." And Gabriel would jump in and say, "And it's true, they are despicable, but did you see that today Amy opened her home to a foster baby, and it's Tula Banks' first day on earth!" Then they would all vote to send Noah into see God, because well, it had worked before.
But the first time it happened, everyone was doing evil, and God saw that only Noah was blameless. Now if everyone was doing what was good in their own eyes, then how is Noah blameless? It doesn't say everyone except Noah. It says everyone was sinful, but one, Noah, was blameless. So somehow Noah, while still being sinful, was also blameless.
I have had trouble, because of my past, accepting this new creation I was supposed to have become after deciding to follow Jesus. It is said that you become that new person immediately, but it is obvious that to actually live as that person there is a time of healing and learning that has to come first. And even as I have learned and healed, I still knew that I was always going to be making wrong choices and doing things that were only good in my eyes. So it never made sense as to how I could be sinful and yet a blameless new creation. Until that day at Soma when someone pointed out that what had made Noah different, even though he was sinful and obviously being included in the 'all of the people were filled with evil day and night,' was the fact that he had a close relationship with God.
The conversation led to the fact that what makes a close relationship with God, and the only thing that made Noah worth saving, was his heart posture. He believed in God and his heart was one of obedience and trust.
I couldn't believe how all of the sudden it seemed so clear to me how we are able to be a new creation in Jesus, and still be our flawed, human selves. With Noah as our example we can see how as Christians, all of the works and deeds of good can not bring us one bit closer to God, and even though our love of Him is not always reflected in our lives through our choices and our voices, that what God wants is for our heart to be listening only to Him, and for us to be obedient to the things we hear.
I wonder if God questioned if Noah would build the ark? I know that He knows all things, but He did give us free will and it was quite a task God asked him to do. I can't even imagine the level of faith and trust Noah had, that pleased God so much that He chose him of all the people to save. And to know and hear God's voice in such a familiar way that when God said I'm going to kill everyone except you and your family, and I need you to build this giant boat so I can do it, Noah's response was to do it.
I love that. I love that they knew each other that way. Intimately. And that even though Noah was sinful, remember even after God saves them from the flood and everyone else is dead, Noah gets drunk and naked, his heart was open to and filled by the Creator. They had a close relationship.
In the next few moments God opened my eyes to what was keeping me from having that kind of relationship with Him, and it didn't have anything to do with what I was or was not doing. I was unable to live as the new creation He had made me to be almost 10 years ago because my heart posture was that of a grumbler. My sad, little wounded heart had grumbled and complained for so long that I was unable to see it clearly as a heart issue. Until that day. And immediately I asked Him to forgive me for allowing anger and bitterness to be my heart posture, and just as immediately did His forgiveness fill me with a sense of ease I didn't have before.
It has been several weeks since that day and I did not do any striving or working to live more fully as this new creation, God just simply gave me new eyes to see and the trust to let it go.
Many more things have come of this as you could imagine. And when He tells me to, I will share them with you. But next week I am going to share with you a new revelation I had, again at Soma school, when for the third time in a month I heard the story of the prodigal son. As they say, the third time is a charm, and for me it certainly was.
But the first time it happened, everyone was doing evil, and God saw that only Noah was blameless. Now if everyone was doing what was good in their own eyes, then how is Noah blameless? It doesn't say everyone except Noah. It says everyone was sinful, but one, Noah, was blameless. So somehow Noah, while still being sinful, was also blameless.
I have had trouble, because of my past, accepting this new creation I was supposed to have become after deciding to follow Jesus. It is said that you become that new person immediately, but it is obvious that to actually live as that person there is a time of healing and learning that has to come first. And even as I have learned and healed, I still knew that I was always going to be making wrong choices and doing things that were only good in my eyes. So it never made sense as to how I could be sinful and yet a blameless new creation. Until that day at Soma when someone pointed out that what had made Noah different, even though he was sinful and obviously being included in the 'all of the people were filled with evil day and night,' was the fact that he had a close relationship with God.
The conversation led to the fact that what makes a close relationship with God, and the only thing that made Noah worth saving, was his heart posture. He believed in God and his heart was one of obedience and trust.
I couldn't believe how all of the sudden it seemed so clear to me how we are able to be a new creation in Jesus, and still be our flawed, human selves. With Noah as our example we can see how as Christians, all of the works and deeds of good can not bring us one bit closer to God, and even though our love of Him is not always reflected in our lives through our choices and our voices, that what God wants is for our heart to be listening only to Him, and for us to be obedient to the things we hear.
I wonder if God questioned if Noah would build the ark? I know that He knows all things, but He did give us free will and it was quite a task God asked him to do. I can't even imagine the level of faith and trust Noah had, that pleased God so much that He chose him of all the people to save. And to know and hear God's voice in such a familiar way that when God said I'm going to kill everyone except you and your family, and I need you to build this giant boat so I can do it, Noah's response was to do it.
I love that. I love that they knew each other that way. Intimately. And that even though Noah was sinful, remember even after God saves them from the flood and everyone else is dead, Noah gets drunk and naked, his heart was open to and filled by the Creator. They had a close relationship.
In the next few moments God opened my eyes to what was keeping me from having that kind of relationship with Him, and it didn't have anything to do with what I was or was not doing. I was unable to live as the new creation He had made me to be almost 10 years ago because my heart posture was that of a grumbler. My sad, little wounded heart had grumbled and complained for so long that I was unable to see it clearly as a heart issue. Until that day. And immediately I asked Him to forgive me for allowing anger and bitterness to be my heart posture, and just as immediately did His forgiveness fill me with a sense of ease I didn't have before.
It has been several weeks since that day and I did not do any striving or working to live more fully as this new creation, God just simply gave me new eyes to see and the trust to let it go.
Many more things have come of this as you could imagine. And when He tells me to, I will share them with you. But next week I am going to share with you a new revelation I had, again at Soma school, when for the third time in a month I heard the story of the prodigal son. As they say, the third time is a charm, and for me it certainly was.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
For all intents and purposes.
Morning talk shows for women are awful! I was watching during my breakfast this morning. Flipping back and forth between The View and the Today show with Kathy Lee and Hobua. It felt like chaos with all of those voices going on and on at the same time, and there seemed to be this kind of frantic energy that made me want to turn it off. I fear that that energy is comforting to so many women, and why they watch that stuff, because it is the state most of us find ourselves living in. A sort of controlled chaos.
That in itself confirmed in me the things God is teaching me about being a woman, and the need for it to be taught to others, but before I turned the madness off they said something else that literally shouted, because they all seem to be talking at top volume, confirmation about something I realized at Soma school.
It was the Today show and they were talking about a study done over the last 20+ years in which women were asked questions that gaged their happiness. The findings from the most recent test showed that women are less happy today than they were before the women's liberation movement of the 1970s.
Now I have personally felt this was true for many years having lived through it as a child. A child who was given a green ERA button to wear by her mother and who's father promptly removed it from my shirt and threw it away. I think it started out with good intentions because, of course if a man and a woman are equally qualified and doing the same job, then they get the same pay. Duh. But at some point it went beyond trying to make us equal to men and has in many ways turned us into men. Teaching us that we have to 'have it all' implying that we don't have it all no matter what we have chosen or been given.
It is no longer adequate to raise you kids and provide a home, you have to fill all of your moments with either a job or endless activities or both. And God forbid that you are still single, you have to create such a circus of activity to not only prove that you are at least making something of your life, but you also have to prove your worth as a woman having entered obvious spinsterhood by the ancient age of 27.
It has led to a disconnect as to how to be a woman, even sometimes the desire to be one. It has emasculated men by confusing their roles as provider and protector, even to the point of it being a distasteful idea to need either of those things.
It has left women exhausted and empty and confused and desperate.
During my last visit to OKC I was blessed to hear several teachings by my pastor Josh Kouri. On Easter Sunday, after he had commissioned and confirmed my mission in Tacoma, he spoke about intentionality. Doing all things with intent, or on purpose. It gave me great clarity and joy to see so
clearly how that applied to this next season of my life.
Part of that intentionality led me to attend Soma school. Several days into it I found myself so captivated by the vision, that it was truly overwhelming to then have God begin to piece together my purpose there, and to actually show me how I was going to get to be involved. He pulled pieces from all parts of my past began to weave big sections of the tapestry of my life together for the first time.
While I was soaking in this joy of getting to do not only what God has created me to do, but what after years of seeking and listening and growing, I now knew I wanted to do, I realized...
that I would not only be ok if I never got married, but I might even choose, with intent, God over marriage.
I know saying it out loud frightens some of you. But my thinking is that if I really get to do this, if I really do get to teach and to write about who He is and what that means for us as His kids, then I would be so fulfilled and excited that I would want to be able to devote all of myself and my time to Him.
Like I might actually refuse to partake in the great gift of the marriage relationship, knowing that it would be wonderful, but it would never meet all of my needs and desires the way a life sold out to God would. (Now watch, I will have dudes knocking down my door tomorrow. :))
And not that you can't do both, but to avoid becoming overwhelmed and exhausted, I might consider choosing God only.
What was amazing to me was that I actually meant this. After years of hoping to be married again someday I could see that with intention I could choose. God has given us each the power that makes us like Him, and that is the power of our will. For every person, married, single, kids, no kids, stay at home, out of the home, whatever label we have chosen, it only becomes overwhelming if we let it limit us by making us feel like we have to do it all. If instead we are simply, and grandly, children of the King, then we can freely choose to do, and not to do, things that are set before us. And most of those things are good things.
It's not hard to chose not to eat mud pies. It is hard to find a place to leave your child/children so you can take an hour to have coffee with your girlfriend. It's not hard to chose not to stick your hand in an open flame (this only applies to women as men seem to have trouble with this around campfires). It is hard to say no to heading up the children's ministry at church. It's not hard to keep from poking your eye out with a pencil (again possibly for women only). It is hard to chose fruit instead of cake.
This idea applies to all the areas of our lives that when added together equal overwhelmed and exhausted. And there are many reasons we chose wrongly, and many layers to those reasons.
So for today let's just confess that we are confused by the noise and overwhelmed by the pressure and call on the name of God the creator of all things.
Let's ask Him to not only make us aware of the ways in which we can clear the clutter with intention and choice, but to supernaturally provide clarity and time to act.
May you find joy in your relationship with The Father and purpose in your mundane duties and peace in knowing that you are His most beautiful creation.
That in itself confirmed in me the things God is teaching me about being a woman, and the need for it to be taught to others, but before I turned the madness off they said something else that literally shouted, because they all seem to be talking at top volume, confirmation about something I realized at Soma school.
It was the Today show and they were talking about a study done over the last 20+ years in which women were asked questions that gaged their happiness. The findings from the most recent test showed that women are less happy today than they were before the women's liberation movement of the 1970s.
Now I have personally felt this was true for many years having lived through it as a child. A child who was given a green ERA button to wear by her mother and who's father promptly removed it from my shirt and threw it away. I think it started out with good intentions because, of course if a man and a woman are equally qualified and doing the same job, then they get the same pay. Duh. But at some point it went beyond trying to make us equal to men and has in many ways turned us into men. Teaching us that we have to 'have it all' implying that we don't have it all no matter what we have chosen or been given.
It is no longer adequate to raise you kids and provide a home, you have to fill all of your moments with either a job or endless activities or both. And God forbid that you are still single, you have to create such a circus of activity to not only prove that you are at least making something of your life, but you also have to prove your worth as a woman having entered obvious spinsterhood by the ancient age of 27.
It has led to a disconnect as to how to be a woman, even sometimes the desire to be one. It has emasculated men by confusing their roles as provider and protector, even to the point of it being a distasteful idea to need either of those things.
It has left women exhausted and empty and confused and desperate.
During my last visit to OKC I was blessed to hear several teachings by my pastor Josh Kouri. On Easter Sunday, after he had commissioned and confirmed my mission in Tacoma, he spoke about intentionality. Doing all things with intent, or on purpose. It gave me great clarity and joy to see so
clearly how that applied to this next season of my life.
Part of that intentionality led me to attend Soma school. Several days into it I found myself so captivated by the vision, that it was truly overwhelming to then have God begin to piece together my purpose there, and to actually show me how I was going to get to be involved. He pulled pieces from all parts of my past began to weave big sections of the tapestry of my life together for the first time.
While I was soaking in this joy of getting to do not only what God has created me to do, but what after years of seeking and listening and growing, I now knew I wanted to do, I realized...
that I would not only be ok if I never got married, but I might even choose, with intent, God over marriage.
I know saying it out loud frightens some of you. But my thinking is that if I really get to do this, if I really do get to teach and to write about who He is and what that means for us as His kids, then I would be so fulfilled and excited that I would want to be able to devote all of myself and my time to Him.
Like I might actually refuse to partake in the great gift of the marriage relationship, knowing that it would be wonderful, but it would never meet all of my needs and desires the way a life sold out to God would. (Now watch, I will have dudes knocking down my door tomorrow. :))
And not that you can't do both, but to avoid becoming overwhelmed and exhausted, I might consider choosing God only.
What was amazing to me was that I actually meant this. After years of hoping to be married again someday I could see that with intention I could choose. God has given us each the power that makes us like Him, and that is the power of our will. For every person, married, single, kids, no kids, stay at home, out of the home, whatever label we have chosen, it only becomes overwhelming if we let it limit us by making us feel like we have to do it all. If instead we are simply, and grandly, children of the King, then we can freely choose to do, and not to do, things that are set before us. And most of those things are good things.
It's not hard to chose not to eat mud pies. It is hard to find a place to leave your child/children so you can take an hour to have coffee with your girlfriend. It's not hard to chose not to stick your hand in an open flame (this only applies to women as men seem to have trouble with this around campfires). It is hard to say no to heading up the children's ministry at church. It's not hard to keep from poking your eye out with a pencil (again possibly for women only). It is hard to chose fruit instead of cake.
This idea applies to all the areas of our lives that when added together equal overwhelmed and exhausted. And there are many reasons we chose wrongly, and many layers to those reasons.
So for today let's just confess that we are confused by the noise and overwhelmed by the pressure and call on the name of God the creator of all things.
Let's ask Him to not only make us aware of the ways in which we can clear the clutter with intention and choice, but to supernaturally provide clarity and time to act.
May you find joy in your relationship with The Father and purpose in your mundane duties and peace in knowing that you are His most beautiful creation.
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