As I start thinking seriously about dating, and yes I said dating,
I have some new thoughts on this.
First of all the idea of meeting strangers is so weird. I know that
everyone who is a friend now at one time was a stranger, but
I haven't looked to any of them with romantic interest, and that is
what seems weird.
That it's not anyone I already know. And I do believe that it is not
anyone I already know. And that is because the men I do know are
barely datable. (and none of them read this so I feel free to be honest,
and a little rude.)
As most of you know who know me; in my
past I have done things that if it were not for the saving grace of Jesus
Christ, the forgiving adoration of my Father God, and the sweet,
calling voice of the Holy Spirit, I would not have survived dealing with.
I wonder how to tell, with the literal tagging of one's sins gone from
acceptable practice, how do I tell what kind of a person he is?
And at what point do I reveal my stuff?
I have been so terrified to even have a man look at me that the idea of
seeking one out to marry is feeling very strange right now.
But also very possible.
I used to fall back on the idea that I was not thin enough to attract the
kind of guy I wanted to marry. Then I started watching men who are
physically attracted to a friend of mine, and it brought up all the fear I
have where this is concerned.
I've never dealt well with being thin. It usually gets me into trouble,
and that kind of trouble I just don't do any more. Again, thanks to
the Three.
But! This was not supposed to be about that. It is about me realizing
that I have no idea how to do this. First of all, there are no eligible men
in my circle of friends, as I mentioned before.
So... that leaves Internet dating. Or does it?
I have never wanted to date, so the idea was no even an option for me.
I also rely very heavily on someones energy to decide if they are for
real. And I know that God is in control of this, and does it say that I
don't trust Him with this.
But all excuses aside, is this a viable option for me now?
I have decided, after the year and a half that I have been given to
decide this, that what I want is to be married and have a family.
I also want to write and teach etc., but after having the most perfect
job fall into my lap (and then out of) I realize that none of the
things I think I want are going to be fulfilling.
I mean I LOVED that job. It was all that I had asked for, even since
I was a kid. It incorporated all of the passions and gifts I posses and
have been given, and it was great, but it didn't fill me.
It didn't satisfy something deeper in me.
Now I know, only God brings true satisfaction, and I am 100% on
board with that. I know it to be true.
I also know that this life was meant to be shared with a person. I mean
it was that way from day one.
I cannot however wrap my mind around how that will happen, and I
can't help but be excited about it. Just a little.