Further notes on dating me through
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
My Uncle Bob always treated me like
I was special. He would make sure that
in the midst of what was sometimes more
than 50 people, that I felt noticed.
He lit up when I came in the room and
within the time it took for him to make
his way over to hug me, he'd be fully
into the second verse of Julie.
I can't remember now exactly how it went
but I think it was something like, "Truly
Julie I love you," and then something about
how everyone does.
I can still feel him bending over and giving
me the best and most appropriate side hug.
I would smile so big my eyes would disappear.
I felt shy and ecstatic about the attention.
I would tuck my head a little and let it
rest on his shoulder and feel more complete
and more special than any other day of the
year.
He never lingered too long making it too
obvious or uncomfortable. He would go back
to my Aunt Normie and sit and talk, or go
watch the game with the boys, but I would
continue to feel loved even with out his
direct attention.
I have no idea what made my Uncle Bob see
me in a special light. As far as I know
he did not do this to any other kids.
Maybe he saw my great spirit and how it was
afraid. Maybe he could feel the insecurity
of being in a group. Maybe God just told
him I needed special attention.
I don't know, but I wish I could say that
it kept me from treating myself and allowing
others to treat me without respect.
I wish I had understood what he was trying
to tell me, and let it spare me some pain.
I can see him now, as I will see him on that
day, with his big brown afro, and dark brown
skin. He will probably be wearing some double
knit poly pants with a flared leg, also in
brown, and a long sleeved, yellow shirt with
snaps.
I hope he knows that I get it now. That I see
my worth. Through the eyes of God and through
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
I hope that my future husband sees me like that
too.

Some further thoughts on dating...
(keeping in mind that the end result would
be marriage.)
I used to wake up looking refreshed. Now even
mid morning there are still pillow lines on my
face.
I never had a tight, small body so that is no
loss to me, but it really is not all that fun to
look at in the mirror.
I can be sarcastic and standoffish when I am
nervous and I am definitely going to be
nervous on a date.
I have been this way so long that, afraid of
real intimacy I mean, that I can't see any
other way of being.
I like my space, and I am selfish about it.
I have put out the "I'm not interested," vibe
for so long I don't know if I can turn it off.
And by 'not interested' I mean "I am desperate
for you to notice and want me, but I know
you will not love me, so bitter, bitter, bitter."
Ha- made myself laugh with that one.
I have decided I know what kind of man I want
and let go of what kind of man I think I
want and I am left with wondering if there is
any kind of man who will want me.
I have scars from past abuse. I have scars
from past choices. I have awareness of most
of these things.
I get bloated easily.
I struggle with food (and it usually ends up
all over my clothes.)
I don't always practice what I preach.
I only exercise in spurts.
When I am afraid I close down and go hide
somewhere leaving a very clear message of,
"Leave me alone!"
I don't like to think of others before myself,
though I do, I usually require an animal
sacrifice.
I am terrified of letting someone know all of
these things and letting him judge me.
I am terrified there are more things that I
don't even know that a man sees instantly and
makes him want to run away.
I am most afraid that I will fall in love with
someone and he will fall in love with me and
I will have to let him in.
Or not.
And that is the worst pain of all.

As I start thinking seriously about dating, and yes I said dating,
I have some new thoughts on this.
First of all the idea of meeting strangers is so weird. I know that
everyone who is a friend now at one time was a stranger, but
I haven't looked to any of them with romantic interest, and that is
what seems weird.
That it's not anyone I already know. And I do believe that it is not
anyone I already know. And that is because the men I do know are
barely datable. (and none of them read this so I feel free to be honest,
and a little rude.)
As most of you know who know me; in my
past I have done things that if it were not for the saving grace of Jesus
Christ, the forgiving adoration of my Father God, and the sweet,
calling voice of the Holy Spirit, I would not have survived dealing with.
I wonder how to tell, with the literal tagging of one's sins gone from
acceptable practice, how do I tell what kind of a person he is?
And at what point do I reveal my stuff?
I have been so terrified to even have a man look at me that the idea of
seeking one out to marry is feeling very strange right now.
But also very possible.
I used to fall back on the idea that I was not thin enough to attract the
kind of guy I wanted to marry. Then I started watching men who are
physically attracted to a friend of mine, and it brought up all the fear I
have where this is concerned.
I've never dealt well with being thin. It usually gets me into trouble,
and that kind of trouble I just don't do any more. Again, thanks to
the Three.
But! This was not supposed to be about that. It is about me realizing
that I have no idea how to do this. First of all, there are no eligible men
in my circle of friends, as I mentioned before.
So... that leaves Internet dating. Or does it?
I have never wanted to date, so the idea was no even an option for me.
I also rely very heavily on someones energy to decide if they are for
real. And I know that God is in control of this, and does it say that I
don't trust Him with this.
But all excuses aside, is this a viable option for me now?
I have decided, after the year and a half that I have been given to
decide this, that what I want is to be married and have a family.
I also want to write and teach etc., but after having the most perfect
job fall into my lap (and then out of) I realize that none of the
things I think I want are going to be fulfilling.
I mean I LOVED that job. It was all that I had asked for, even since
I was a kid. It incorporated all of the passions and gifts I posses and
have been given, and it was great, but it didn't fill me.
It didn't satisfy something deeper in me.
Now I know, only God brings true satisfaction, and I am 100% on
board with that. I know it to be true.
I also know that this life was meant to be shared with a person. I mean
it was that way from day one.
I cannot however wrap my mind around how that will happen, and I
can't help but be excited about it. Just a little.

ARGH!!!!! My spirit is in such an uproar! I have stepped out onto
a limb I am unfamiliar with and it could break!
I sent some writings that I have done to a paper today, one which
I had already been rejected, by the way. Last time I sent things
that represented me only. This time I sent things they might
actually want to use. Learning is great. Failure is too.
And that brings me to today's topic.
Trust.
What do failure and trust have to with each other? you might
ask. Or you might not if you've been where I have. And I imagine
most people have.
But! here is what I learned today.
Well first here is what I know about me yesterday-
Yesterday I was afraid to move forward. I was afraid to try and to
fail. The last time I failed it filled me with anger. Looking back
I recognize that fear of failure has kept me from doing a lot of things.
Things I wish I'd done. Now don't get into regret here. These things
would have made my life different, but not necessarily better.
I mean if I had decided to pursue acting and singing which I have
loved and done since a very young age I might be rich and famous
right now getting to do something that I really enjoy. Or I might have
moved to LA or NY and picked up a serious drug habit, leaving
me sick and sad.
So... it would be different, but who is to say better?
So having accepted this I can only look forward and chose with God's
guidance to not be afraid. To chose to try and to succeed. And to fail.
If I believe that I am the only one. The only one that matters, the only
one responsible for me, the only on making the choices, then failing
is terrifying.
It is a direct reflection on me, and I Failed.
(with a capital F)
If instead... I trust... Trust that God is who He says He is, and
He has told me that he has plans to prosper and not to harm me.
He promised He will finish the good work He started in me.
He is about me and for me and in love with me and delighted by me.
If this is true, and I trust that it is, then failure is just an opportunity
to try again. To fine tune. To reevaluate.
So before I emailed this man my best, I prayed and commended the work,
and the result to His hands.
And then I laid down about 20 other stress filled fears.
I feel then scratching at the back of my neck right now. They want back in.
I'm going to go take a shower.
They can't stick to water apparently.