After having a rough morning with God and Corey
yesterday in which I had to confess that I have been
angry, again, with God and was struggling with trusting
Him, again; I also had to ask forgiveness for the rebellion
in my heart that was causing the roadblock of anger
and mistrust.
Now that was hard. "I'm the victim here!" "I was the one
who was hurt while You just stood there!" "It's not my fault!"
All things that are hard to admit that I think, and even harder
to admit that I feel. But I do, and it causes me to harden my
heart, which creates space between me and God where none
should be. The consequences of that space are: freaking out,
confusion, anger, stress, fear, loneliness...
As things begin to take shape in this new season for me I come
to the point all rebellious spirit's dread - structure.
I was reading in Habakkuk this morning and relating to his
questioning God, as I always do when I read this, and after I
read God's answer (I love that He answers!), I noticed the
little printed note in the corner.
"Feelings come and feeling leave you, but the disciplines of life
are what get you where you want to go." Anne Ortlund
I am deciding right now where it is that I want to go like I have
never done before. I didn't decide to go to college. I just ended
up there. I didn't decide I wanted to get married. I said yes
because I loved him and he asked me. I didn't decide to move
here. I came to visit and God has told me to stay.
My rebellion has done more than just keep me from being close to
those I love, and to God. I has kept me from a disciplined life.
A life of choice, and hope, and direction. A life of safety and
ease and peace.
May we each see through the lie that structure and discipline
are beyond our reach and out of our control and realize that
God is a god of order and He is that for a reason, and that
reason is because He knows without it we get not the freedom
we imagine, but the chaos we deserve.
And who wants what they deserve?