I've been watching Stranger Than Fiction again.
When I got here a year ago I watched it every
night as I fell asleep.
There is a love story and a writer and Will Ferrell.
All the parts of everything I need included.
Today as I watched I wondered about my own
story. I wondered if all of the details that I
consider to be embarrassing or hurtful or unique
or interesting were parts of what makes my
character me.
Like the fact that I can not eat all day and then
like to have food in the evening. According to
doctors that is a prescription for weight gain.
And what about the weight? What if it is instead
of a source of anger and frustration for me it was
just a part of what made my character different?
Made me unique and even more of an amazing
person because despite her size she was able
to find and create a serious sense of style.
And as for my fears and opinions and gifts and
talents, all of these are details that deepen my
character and propel us through the story
and keep us interested...
So my double chin is character in the story.
My funny way of walking while I am still hurt is
a character in the story.
An interesting fact - I love sugar!
My past comes in flashbacks that fill us in on why
the things that are happening now are so amazing.
All of the things in my life, all of the things about
me, all of the people around me are pieces of a
story. A story that matters. A story of real
interest. A story in which I write the pages and
I decide to love or hate, to go or stay, to live or
to die. For some reason this makes me happier.
This makes me feel more accepting of myself.
The idea that I am a character in a story that ties
my life to the lives of every person who lived a
life; a story that ties me to my own life and
for some reason encourages me to live my life.
Keeping in mind that I am who I am because my
character was written this way and all of the things,
good and bad that make me me and cause me
joy and pain, all of these things are mine.
And yours.
And His.
And they belong to history. Time before mine
and for the rest of time to come.
My life is a movie, a novel, a character driven
story. In it I am uneasy and I am excited.
Right now.
What happens next?
Turn the page.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
As I cried and cried and neared the end of The Red Tent; I
felt somehow tied to this story. Tied to the women and
to the history. It made me feel like my own story is just
a small part in a story that had begun the first moment
Eve drew her first breath. It continued in my life as in
hers as I was the assertive one who hastened the end of my
marriage. (Her actions of course created the end of life.)
I read in this book about women who were mothers and
daughters and sisters and wives. I saw myself in their
feelings and experiences.
This comparison was made wonderful by the fact that
this story takes place in biblical times. The times before
Jesus. In Jacob's day. It made these characters real
and gave me a woman's perspective on life, love, and
faith during that time.
I realize it is a work of fiction based on some real characters
in the Bible. I also realize that the intire Bible was
translated by men and usually for men since in the times
of the translations women were not educated for the
most part. That fact has always made the Bible read
as fiction for me. It has been a struggle to take in all
of the stories as more than tales. As an adult, and a
Christian by choice, I have chosen to believe them as
memories and factual accounts of the life and times of
God's chosen people which now includes me. And now
because of this book... the Bible is mine.
felt somehow tied to this story. Tied to the women and
to the history. It made me feel like my own story is just
a small part in a story that had begun the first moment
Eve drew her first breath. It continued in my life as in
hers as I was the assertive one who hastened the end of my
marriage. (Her actions of course created the end of life.)
I read in this book about women who were mothers and
daughters and sisters and wives. I saw myself in their
feelings and experiences.
This comparison was made wonderful by the fact that
this story takes place in biblical times. The times before
Jesus. In Jacob's day. It made these characters real
and gave me a woman's perspective on life, love, and
faith during that time.
I realize it is a work of fiction based on some real characters
in the Bible. I also realize that the intire Bible was
translated by men and usually for men since in the times
of the translations women were not educated for the
most part. That fact has always made the Bible read
as fiction for me. It has been a struggle to take in all
of the stories as more than tales. As an adult, and a
Christian by choice, I have chosen to believe them as
memories and factual accounts of the life and times of
God's chosen people which now includes me. And now
because of this book... the Bible is mine.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I am not a dancer; I do not need the body of a dancer
beautiful though they are.
I am not a supermodel therefore I do not need
(crazy beautiful though they are)
the body of a freak of nature.
I am not a rock climber and thus do not need
the muscles of a champion wrestler.
I am not marathon runner and though I envy
their high carb diet, this means I do not need
a runner's body.
I am a writer and from what I have seen
real writers lean to the heavy set
(which is where I naturally and most comfortably belong).
Writers sit and write.
We walk slowly and notice everything.
We read, which also involves a sedentary agreement.
I happen to enjoy having my cat in my lap
having a lap requires a seated position.
Am I psyched to be most comfortable in sweat pants?
No.
Do most writers probably wear sweat pants?
Yes.
I will learn to exude a serene confidence in my sweat pants.
The other option is to continue to be at war with my
body and use copious amounts of brain time considering
what was eaten, what is eaten, and what will be eaten.
I hope to land somewhere in between sweat pants in public
and continued pointless torture.
beautiful though they are.
I am not a supermodel therefore I do not need
(crazy beautiful though they are)
the body of a freak of nature.
I am not a rock climber and thus do not need
the muscles of a champion wrestler.
I am not marathon runner and though I envy
their high carb diet, this means I do not need
a runner's body.
I am a writer and from what I have seen
real writers lean to the heavy set
(which is where I naturally and most comfortably belong).
Writers sit and write.
We walk slowly and notice everything.
We read, which also involves a sedentary agreement.
I happen to enjoy having my cat in my lap
having a lap requires a seated position.
Am I psyched to be most comfortable in sweat pants?
No.
Do most writers probably wear sweat pants?
Yes.
I will learn to exude a serene confidence in my sweat pants.
The other option is to continue to be at war with my
body and use copious amounts of brain time considering
what was eaten, what is eaten, and what will be eaten.
I hope to land somewhere in between sweat pants in public
and continued pointless torture.
Wow. It has been a while. It turns out that
I am afraid to move forward in this. This
being my idea that I can be a writer and be
published and read by people numbering more
than just the total of my friends and family.
I created in my head a perfect scenario for me
to write a book and it involved being alone with
no interruptions in some dreamy land where no one
would bother me and all I had to do was write
and go to the pub for a beer with the locals
every once in a while. I realized yesterday
that I may not actually be able to write very
well in a vacuum knowing how inspired and
influenced I am by all that goes on around me.
Or maybe it is a dream that comes later with
success. Something I work my way up to.
Either way- I've just stoped writing and that
can't be a good thing considering what my dreams
are currently.
So I stand paralyzed by fear now looking at so
many questions of how to move forward. I want
to be published... how? Do I write during the
day when I have time or at night when I feel most
inspired? How successful am I going to be at
slowing down even further with all of these
questions?
I guess what I really want to know is why I am
so afraid. I can call on many many reasons that
inspired fear in me from issues in the past.
Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of being
no good. Those don't seem to fit.
As I sit here and feel this moment of truth I
plead with God to tell me that it just doesn't
simply boil down to laziness and old habits!
And deep down I know that is a big part of it.
Well.
It's ok. Determination was never something I
understood.
I don't really have an end to this. I will
share one more thing though. Writing on my
laptop has become extremely frustrating since
as I am writing the cursor moves itself into
other parts of the sentence and or disappears
completely leaving me with one thought in the
middle of a previous one or no record of it
ever being typed. Quite a nerve to pinch on
a writer!
I am afraid to move forward in this. This
being my idea that I can be a writer and be
published and read by people numbering more
than just the total of my friends and family.
I created in my head a perfect scenario for me
to write a book and it involved being alone with
no interruptions in some dreamy land where no one
would bother me and all I had to do was write
and go to the pub for a beer with the locals
every once in a while. I realized yesterday
that I may not actually be able to write very
well in a vacuum knowing how inspired and
influenced I am by all that goes on around me.
Or maybe it is a dream that comes later with
success. Something I work my way up to.
Either way- I've just stoped writing and that
can't be a good thing considering what my dreams
are currently.
So I stand paralyzed by fear now looking at so
many questions of how to move forward. I want
to be published... how? Do I write during the
day when I have time or at night when I feel most
inspired? How successful am I going to be at
slowing down even further with all of these
questions?
I guess what I really want to know is why I am
so afraid. I can call on many many reasons that
inspired fear in me from issues in the past.
Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of being
no good. Those don't seem to fit.
As I sit here and feel this moment of truth I
plead with God to tell me that it just doesn't
simply boil down to laziness and old habits!
And deep down I know that is a big part of it.
Well.
It's ok. Determination was never something I
understood.
I don't really have an end to this. I will
share one more thing though. Writing on my
laptop has become extremely frustrating since
as I am writing the cursor moves itself into
other parts of the sentence and or disappears
completely leaving me with one thought in the
middle of a previous one or no record of it
ever being typed. Quite a nerve to pinch on
a writer!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
i've moved into a new season. it's new in a lot
of ways.
obviously the job is new and amazing, and some
thing i had to get to a point that my experience
and education added up to.
i have begun to let the softer side of me show a
little more. with the support and guidance of many
people who love me. i've felt softer on the inside
for a while, but my mind had to be renewed about
that before it could show on the outside.
and i can see the future. like see things i want that
are absolutely within my grasp and that i have
prepared to do and given some experience in so that
i am absolutely prepared to have them.
you wanna know???
i have to save it for a little while still. sorry.
anyway i guess the point is that random things that
we call our life can seem to add up to nothing, and in
fact if you are trying to run your life by and for yourself...
then it may indeed add up to nothing.
but God knew me. He knows me, and He, even when
i was by and for myself, He managed to put things in
place so that right now i'd be right here.
and right here is on the verge of all that i am passionate
about, have experience in, and am gifted for.
it takes time though. we all too often try and bail on
the preparation and long suffering part. because
admittedly that part sucks. but it's the part that strings
one part to another and then can it add up to...
whatever you want.
so... what do you want?
of ways.
obviously the job is new and amazing, and some
thing i had to get to a point that my experience
and education added up to.
i have begun to let the softer side of me show a
little more. with the support and guidance of many
people who love me. i've felt softer on the inside
for a while, but my mind had to be renewed about
that before it could show on the outside.
and i can see the future. like see things i want that
are absolutely within my grasp and that i have
prepared to do and given some experience in so that
i am absolutely prepared to have them.
you wanna know???
i have to save it for a little while still. sorry.
anyway i guess the point is that random things that
we call our life can seem to add up to nothing, and in
fact if you are trying to run your life by and for yourself...
then it may indeed add up to nothing.
but God knew me. He knows me, and He, even when
i was by and for myself, He managed to put things in
place so that right now i'd be right here.
and right here is on the verge of all that i am passionate
about, have experience in, and am gifted for.
it takes time though. we all too often try and bail on
the preparation and long suffering part. because
admittedly that part sucks. but it's the part that strings
one part to another and then can it add up to...
whatever you want.
so... what do you want?
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