i have just completed my first week of work.
the first week that most people would consider
that i have worked in almost an entire year.
i am a teacher at a college.
the students are trying to get their g.e.d.s having not
gotten a high school diploma for what ever reason,
and one of those reasons at some point landed
them in jail.
i have felt freaked out and inept.
i have felt blessed and excited.
turns out i'm pretty much suited to this.
i wasn't sure i would be able to figure out what
to do, but it's only the first week and i've got
the framework of the class in hand i believe.
and as much as i love it and see all of my gifts and
passions and experiences being used,
i know that this is only temporary.
there is still some adventure that calls me deeper.
some 'thing' that puts the lid on my years of
infancy.
some place that feels more like home.

i'm afraid to lean to that side
i don't trust that it will hold me.
the other side is much stronger
from years of being the only thing
that held me.
i hold myself up with this other side
using my own strength to stand.
i heard very clearly today
do all that i can do
then stand.
even with that side out front
if all of the weight is on the other side
i'm still standing in my own strength.
if i fearfully put pressure on that side
and trust that it will hold
and move the other side to the back a little
and choose for it to let go;
then all i am really doing is acting in line with
the truth.
and i know just enough about You to know
that You will hold.
under the greatest pressure
You will hold.
after immaturity is
doubt.
after doubt is
proof.
proof sometimes hurts.
guide me gently into maturity
as i learn the new way of walking
right foot first.

As the anger subsides and I learn to incorporate new
information into an old life, I find there is extra space.
Like somehow the new stuff takes us less room than
the old.
It might sound nice, but it feels strange. It feels like
something is missing and I'm not quite sure what to do
with all of this extra room.
I believe it will allow me to do new things, more things,
that I had previously found kind of out of my realm of
ability. I feel the energy to take these things on, for
example putting real effort into writing a book, and I
almost feel capable of doing it.
I had a conversation with a close friend yesterday and
she has just gotten to the point of staring down her own
darkness and hearing what God has to say and she said
very seriously that she didn't want to go any further.
I shared my experience with those moments from my
own path and assured her that it is possible to quit, but
that nothing in her was probably going to allow her to do
that.
Once the spirit gets a glimpse of freedom it takes an
absolute abandonment of faith to cease moving forward.
I know what if feels like to quit. I've done it all of my
life every time something got too hard or scary (much to
the chagrin of my risk taking father who so desperately
wanted us to be water sports, snow skiing, motorcycle riding,
kids.)
The first time a boy laughed as I ran the mile, my mom got
me out of ever having to run the mile again. The day that
I was trying out for dance team and saw people watching
me, I left and never went back. Every time I get close to
a healthier weight I get scared of the attention and I
sabotage my exercise efforts...
It's actually an endless list.
But really if I hadn't at some point been in touch with the
Spirit of God that lives in me this would have never changed.
At some point when it came time to quit again, and this time
the stakes were much higher, it being my freedom, there was
a knowing-ness in me that even as the words, "I want to quit,"
were coming out of my mouth, even in that very same moment,
I knew that what was in me would not let me quit.
It wasn't something I did, or found, or learned, or preformed,
or read, or heard. It just was. Just this thing inside of my
own spirit that had gained strength from another source and
was able to slowly and gently move me into and through each
new, scary season.
Today the darkest and scariest of all secrets is out and in full
view of God and the trusted people I have chosen to tell are
being loving and caring as they always have been and the
relationship with that unknown source has a clear and defined
name and purpose, today I am free.
I try to tell everyone God sends me to encourage that their
path is their own. Perfectly outfitted to their life and
exactly specific to who they are. I hope that they find
peace in this as looking at what my path has been I can very
clearly see why people would not want to go further.
It will not look like mine or anyone else's. It will be your own.
And even though I am still dealing with the consequences of
some things, and it is hard to see what comes next since I
have never been here before, even though, it is absolute
freedom I am after and nothing inside of me is going to
allow me to fall one bit short or the prefect life He has for me.

what do you do?
when 30 years of anger rushes to the surface?
i can cry.
i can pray.
i can write.
i can break things.
it does matter.
it does need to be heard.
everyone sucks
and everything sucks
and i am so angry.
an unrefined, all over anger that fills my stomach.
makes me want my hair to stand on end.
it feels twitchy.
what i don't care to say, but know that i can
is that it does not control me any longer.
i know what it is. i know why it is.
now...
i just get to be angry.
that is awesome.
i think i'll go throw some beer bottles off the bridge.

i was lying here this morning and thinking about this new
guy that my roommate is dating. he was in the army and
had been stationed in iraq. some things happened there
that are only his to tell, but they are bizarre things, things
i can not imagine facing.
he is a very nice guy, with good manners, and a kind voice.
he is smart and funny and yet something is missing.
as i lay here it dawned on me. i had described him as 'duh'
the other day. it was not a lack of intelligence duh it was
a lack of soul that i sense.
the war has stolen this mans soul.
and it made me so sad.
it's a strange concept since i feel like you can no more live
without a soul than you can your lungs, but when i see him
in my minds eye there is a dark emptiness where his soulful
energy should be. it's kind of like a vacuum in space. all
dark and quiet like not only is something missing but there
is a void left that absorbs sound and light and air.
it sounds strange. it feels strange for me too.
i am not a very politically minded person. and being a
Christian i know God uses fighting and death to judge and
regulate us. but seriously we should have outgrown this by
now. as a race of beings i mean.
the fact that we still subject our friends and sons and daughters
to the dark place of killing someone.
and being afraid of getting killed.
it is just so far beyond me and my ability to understand.
what i do understand is people and there is this young man
in front of me and he has lost his connection to his spirit and i can
feel it. feel something missing from inside of this rather normal
looking, acting guy. and because he seems normal, the thing i
feel will go unaddressed and i'm not sure where the human
psyche will take him.
as i get closer and closer to understanding God's heart my own
heart is much more easily broken. my head spins when i hear the
story of what this man was subject to at the hands of another and
what he did in return. i cringe when i hear that my favorite steven
has signed up to face the same things as a marine. my stomach
turns when i think about all they see and do and face when at war.
as i get closer to God's heart, my heart also has a greater capacity
to love. the ability to accept and not judge.
the inclination to include instead of exclude.
the hope that each person on earth will hear Him whisper sweetly
their name in their ear and be lovingly drawn deeper into
understanding Him and one another.
i hate war. i hate anything that pits one man against another and
causes him to choose between his humanity and his life.
to all of you who do it... thank you.
and i'm sorry we are in a world that you have to. and my God is
sorry about that too.