i had to come to terms with the fact that my desire to be
married is based in rejection. still.
my desire to be loved and accepted and adored.
i have said that i can do anything, i am strong, i am
independent - well i have acted as if i believed this anyway.
i realized that i did not want to be alone, not did i want
to move to some far away place by myself.
i of course imagined a husband would fit the bill.
the bad fruit that is still stinking up my daily life and all
of the fears keep me uncomfortable in each moment-
they hurt me physically now too.
i believe He is who He says He is.
Lord help me with my unbelief.
what i am looking for is agape love. it's not even human.
so it doesn't come with skin i can touch or arms that
can hold or lips that can kiss.
and no man will ever meet that need. i wonder how many
people would escape the death of a marriage if they knew this
first?
ladies, ladies, ladies - oh my beautiful Christ loving ladies -
you all know this.
we all know because the pastor said so.
i am here to tell you it is true and if i am correct in the
supernatural wisdom He has given me -
it feels like nothing i've ever felt before.
freedom from fear
acceptance instead of rejection
unconditional love
dreams realized
contentment and confidence
peace joy laughter.
the problem is that we never tell each other how to get here.
we pray and quote and study.
we pray and quote and study.
we pray less, we quote less, we study less.
we give up hope, or have it wrestled out of our knotted up fist.
there is much work to be done before we live in the place
He created us to live, before the restoration begins to take
shape in our daily lives.
beyond giving and praying, and reading and attending.
daily moment by moment surrender without effort and
with the reward of love.
He speaks this to you with the hope and foreknowledge that
you understand.
may you find moments each day to listen and may He
reveal to you the inner most hurts and fears so He may
lovingly and carefully hold them in His hand so you can be free.
by the way- being free of something doesn't mean it won't ever
come up again. it will. it just doesn't have the hold on you it once
did. you are not failing or moving backward, you are still free.