That's Stella Grace in all her blinging glory! Such a wonderful girl. She is funny and smart and sensitive and loves more than anything to laugh. What an amazing addition to our lives. It's hard sometimes in the daily grind of it all to keep in mind how truly amazing she is and to treat her with the respect and care she deserves. She is in no way lacking anything, you parents know what I mean, it is the hardest job in the world to teach another person how to be a person. Even with much success we remember the ways we come up short more often. I've decided to try intercessory prayer to help protect her from the things we as family can't help but pass on to her. I've never hoped God was listening more.

So Corey and Brandon left today. There were here for a few days and we saw lots of things. They are amazing and I love them dearly. Part of the calling on Corey is to minister to those in ministry and though I have yet to feel called in an official capacity to 'ministry' I get the privilege of being one of those people.

They brought with them a reminder of clarity and certainty about my faith that had faded here in this dark place. They restored my commitment to allowing God to move me into the next season. And they brought with them the protection of home which I was sad to see go.

After taking them to the airport I cried because, well one, I was exhausted, and two I felt prepared to move on. I had been holding back still my full commitment to being available to God here, and I just felt this peace to pray, "Lord I am willing to go. I am ready." The remaining fear about how and when to do what next left me and I am starting to feel a little excited.

I hope all of you remember all of the things I have been through since coming here. I've tried to keep this as updated as possible so that when we finally got here you could all share with me the gratefulness of answered prayer.

I can not give details as I do not have anymore, nor can I give times and dates. I am solidly and fully in His hands on His time and we will all just have to learn to live with the open-ended, unanswered questions that leaves us with.

I love you all.

This is a photo from Jen's bday. That's her in the foreground with the
cute white dress. The lady in the back (I believe I took this just as she
was putting something in her mouth, sorry) is Tina. It was her home and she
hosted the party and made all of the food. She and her husband are amazing people. I will be traveling with them to the Czech Republic to teach English to youth and twenty-somethings from June 23rd to July 27th. How's that for getting to the point?
I had been so focused on joining the Peace Corps that it wasn't until after the interview that I realized that God had used it to to get me across a road. A road of bitterness and doubt concerning missions and fund raising that was keeping me from moving into the next season of my life. Of course I had no idea what the next season held so I chose not address those issues. This is where God graciously gave me the Peace Corps process which was something to sink my teeth into while he preformed minor surgeries without anesthetic. When this missions opportunity came up I had no doubt about participating because He had helped redefine, again, not only what I thought I wanted, and how I imagined myself, but had replaced the fear and doubt with trust and healing. There is no way to accurately explain what has gone on here. Not yet anyway. That is the best I can do so far.
Anyway- be looking for the support letters I'm sending. It explains more about what the trip is and why I need to go. And as far as the Peace Corps goes I am leaving that up to God. If they call me in January and ask me if I want to go teach English to teachers in Honduras... I might say yes.
I love you guys.

This is a door that I painted. It's like a 5 frame story board. It tells the story of One. One realizes it's a little different. In a world full of squares, One is round. Someday something new enters One's life. Two is also round. One and Two share ideas and dreams and One learns some new things from Two. The new things encourage One to go and so it takes the new information and goes. Two stays behind in the land of the squares. One will come back.

I went to the interview on Thursday. I was anxious about finding the place and parking in Seattle. I kept telling myself to calm down. Be anxious for nothing. And asking myself why I was so freaked out. Nothing bad was happening. Yes I am out on a limb, but I'm not afraid. So why the chaotic energy?

I found the place with plenty of time left so I went to the restroom and prayed. Prayed for peace and calm.

The first thing I learned was that it would be Jan. of '09 before I went anywhere. For some reason this kind of left me speechless which isn't good when you are supposed to spend the next 90 minutes talking. The man asked me if that was ok and I just said that a lot can happen in a year.

He asked and I answered for the next hour. Some things he said didn't sit well with me.

What if you can't take a bath everyday? What if you have to boil your water to bathe? Are you ok with being the only one like you and you are on display everyday? Are you ok if you can't have a bible or go to a church? Are you ok with being alone for extended periods of time?

I answered as honestly as I could. Until he asked I didn't realize that I might not be ok with all of that.

I left there feeling beat up and freaked out.

I needed to get quiet so I drove to the ocean the next day. I lay in the back of an SUV and listened to the waves and looked out at the nothing but water between me and China.

This time here was for me to decide what I wanted.

This is what I know now.

I am not afraid to say that I want to be married. Half the fun of having adventure is to look over at someone and say, "Did you see that?!" The adventure that I crave, that was put in me by God is to be shared with someone. I am not afraid to do it alone. I just don't have to. Nor do I want to. I think if there were someone else with me I could be ok with all of those things that bothered me when I was dealing with them all alone.

I also know that how it all plays out is on Him. I know what I want, and that was what He wanted me to decide. I'll leave the details to Him and if nothing else, I now have put together a sweet resume.

This is me and the troll underneath the Freemont bridge. This was a fun day.

I know it's not Sunday yet but...

Do you ever run from God?

It's strange to be in tune with Him to the point that when you are running or something is amiss, you feel weird.

I've been feeling this way for a couple of weeks.

I thought it was about the anger issue and not wanting to endure the emotional breakthrough.

I thought it was about being afraid of the change and commitment that comes with joining the peace corps.

I thought it might be the worry of coming home, being forgotten, losing my bathing suit (one of the naked people at the y took it).

Tonight talking to Corey I realized it wasn't any of that.

I realized that I don't want to go out there alone and I thought it was because I was afraid of going alone, and now that I'm not afraid of it, I know it is because I want to share that with someone special. And God put that desire in my heart.

So joining the peace corps sets me up to do just that, go out alone.

I don't think I'm going to do that.

God willing I am going to the interview tomorrow... that is all I know.

Just think of it was a word puzzle.

I can't seem to fix it!

These are two images of the Tacoma sky line downtown. I swear it is one of the best cities to photograph. There are so many beautiful buildings and areas of interest. The dome is the old train station, the slanted cone is the hot shop for the glass museum, and that's the Tacoma bridge and of course mt. rainier in the back. I just love this town and if I ever have the opportunity to make a movie or write a fictional book I will use it as my setting. I wish all of you could come see it. Amy came with me years ago and Lacey a few weeks ago and in a couple of weeks from now Cory and Brandon will be here. That is amazing to me. I love getting to share this with some of you.

Anyway-

Most of you already know but, I have an interview set up with someone in the peace corps office for next Thursday. I'm kind of excited and kind of freaked out.

See the thing for me is finishing things. I hardly ever do. By finishing

this I open myself up to be vulnerable and rejected or if I do get accepted, then I have the responsibility to pull off whatever I made them believe I could. And in this case... it's move to another country and learn the language and help them in some way.

I have started writing a book also. And I have stopped. Again... finishing, being rejected, responsibility...

It's such an interesting time of growth for me. I'm so glad that He is so careful with us. If I hadn't gone through my bitter root healing before this all came up it would be same story, different verse. This time, like Amy keeps telling me, it's my time.

Just last night I allowed God, finally, to break through my inability to express anger. I discovered months ago that I was taught that expressing anger was not ok so I didn't, and instead I have bottled it all up, 37 years worth!, and it has shown itself physically instead. Being uptight and inflexible and tense are not things I am naturally, for me not knowing how to appropriately express when I was angry or hurt and defending myself created that in me.

This revelation also explains my fascination with Italian gangsters! I still want to be one. I'M GONNA YELL ALL THE TIME!

My point today though, because everyone has different issues, is the fact that if I had not been spending time talking to Him, I might never have gotten to the bottom of the issue. I have grown to be very in tune with how I feel, and man is that an amazing statement coming from someone who at one point didn't even have words to express emotions, and I could feel something wasn't kosher. I'm just wondering if you guys know when something is off? Do you realize that you feel weird because something is trying to get out? That you don't sleep at night when you can't shut your mind off because He is trying to tell you something? Are you self aware enough to get the message?

I know as life long Christians most of you feel guilty about your insufficient bible reading and prayer time. Maybe some of you have lots of it, but nothing seems to really come from it. It's not about God requiring time from you. It's about you needing time with Him.

Time with Him to get in touch with your emotions, to hear His heart for you, to be given peace and comfort and insight and correction.

Take the time guys! In whatever form it looks like.

Don't be rigid. Be sensitive to His voice.

It will change your life.

Which admittedly is good and scary.