My 20th high school reunion was 2 weeks ago. I talked to many people who each had an opinion on either thier own experience or whether or not I should attend mine. I had decided at one point not to go because I had gotten caught up in trying to figure out what I would say to people when they asked me what I was doing now. Every time I imagined the scene, "So Julia, what do you do?" asks someone I am struggling to recognize through all of the self-tanner and sagging skin - "I am a Christian!" is the answer I blurt. Here I imagine they judge me and write me off as a feeble minded idiot who is at any moment going to tell them what a miserable sinner they are and try to save their soul.
The other option, same question- this time I go into detail... "Well I live with my sister and she has a daughter, Stella, and we have two other single girls who live with us and it is part of our ministry. I also teach, and right now am leading a group of ladies through the story of God. And I have traveled all over the world on mission trips, most recently to the Czech Republic, and..." I trail off as I see their eyes glaze over and they start to search the room for another recognizable face to use as an excuse to escape.
It's not whether or not I have a big house or a fancy car or kids or even a husband that I feel like I needed to justify my existence, but at least I need to have an good answer as to just what it is that I spend my days doing. Not too much to ask I don't think. Of myself, and of God.
My life since deciding to follow Jesus has been an extraordinary case of of strange requests. I have often been in a season that required some real thought as to how to explain what I 'do.' Having inherited my dads predisposition for pride I have not felt very concerned about what others thought about that answer, when I have been able to come up with one, until the reunion began looming in the near future.

Honestly the only thing I was bummed about is the fact that over the last year or so I have gained back some weight I lost and that would have been really nice to walk into that bar looking smokin', 38 year old, hot. So with that to accept and the explanation of my existence to figure out, I leaned heavily toward the 'no I will not attend' box.

How do you sum up 20 years without those pretty normal things to show for it? And even though most of the time I do not feel like my life is less full because I do not have those things, considering the explanation of what I have been doing caused me to spend some time thinking about what I have been through and how I got here.

Come back next week and I'll tell you what I discovered and what I decided.

In the story of Abraham and God, after God promises to make Abraham the father of many nations through his own, as yet un-conceived son, God comes for a visit on His way to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.
I had read this story many times and each time the idea of the conversation between God and Abraham was the outstanding thing for me. How Abe had talked to God is suggesting and seemingly getting God to change His mind. I don’t think God does that so I see it as God setting up this scenario to teach Abraham how to talk to Him and to give him confidence as to how to approach Him. He lets Abe talk Him down in an almost harassing way. Abe says over and over again, “What about this many…” And each time God goes, “OK.”
I loved this. I was a major piece in my learning how to see God in my life as active participant and loving Father.
But this last time I stopped on the part in which God is sitting outside of Abraham’s tent and He asks where Sarah is and Abe says that she is in the tent. He had just asked her to prepare some things for their guests. God promises again; for what I think is the third time, that they will have a child. This time though He gives a time frame. A year from now, He says. And Sarah in the kitchen hears this and laughs. When she comes out with things to serve them I assume, God asks her why she laughed. And her response is ridiculous. She denies that she laughed. And God says, “Yes you did.”
It is such a strange little piece to put in there. They don’t get into a fight and God does not call her a liar. There is no further mention of it at all.
I am learning that in bible study, when something sticks out like that for you, it is not just a strange thing God put in there for some strange reason; it is the Spirit calling you deeper exploration. And it was sticking out for me; because this is my ridiculous response too.
In all of the healing going on for me… I am having trouble letting God see me. And for some ridiculous reason, I think He can’t. In my shame, I am hiding something from Him? Well, I am trying to. I am afraid that if He sees it all He will take away the things I love and I will be rejected and worthless.
So when God confronts Sarah with her disbelief, in fear, she denies it. As if she is able to hide this from God! And God responds by stating clearly and plainly and without judgment that He knows.
To my surprise, this is a great relief to me! I am not afraid because He knows, I am set free from hiding! I am set free not only from trying to keep part of myself hidden from God which is impossible, and tiring, I am relieved because if He does already know… and He hasn’t cast me out as useless and ugly, then… then what? Then He must actually approve of me and love me. If He really sees me, even the things I think He can’t see because I am keeping them inside the tent, if He sees even those things too… then I am free from shame.
Sarah had an honest response of disbelief in that moment. God had made this promise years before also. I would have giggled a little too. But when He asked her why she laughed, meaning to have her answer for her lack of trust and or faith, she was afraid, and I think, ashamed. So she denied it like she believed she could hide something from God. And He told her straight out, you cannot. “Yes you did.” This was not meant to shame her, but to free her. I don’t know if it did or not. But it freed me. 2000 years later, that moment God knew would be recorded and I would see and be freed to let Him see me. Thank you God.

My Filing Cabinet is in God's Throne Room

So many things are running through my head again.
How I loved the movie Julie/Julia and am wondering if I need a 'hook' as it were, to get more people to read this.
I am going to my high school reunion tonight, my 20 year, and I'm wondering if I will remember all of the people I am supposed to, and if facebook is any indicator, I will not.
I am thinking about Erin and Amy and Roberta and Brandt and Pavel and Ales and Alca.
Thoughts of yesterday's story of God group and how Emily asked me what the biggest blessing for me was about teaching it and in the middle of my people pleasing answer she interjected that it is the fact that I am getting to have my calling confirmed and fulfilled and isn't that the best, and I swear I wanted to cry.
(As organized as I feel sometimes I wish life came with a schedule and a filing system.)
I live in what is, without biased opinion, one of the most beautiful places on the earth and I don't feel like I could ever soak in enough of it.
I am wondering how much longer this road toward healing with my mom is.
I am realizing that one of the things that God has given me to tell people has to do with responsibility of owning your own junk and then teaching them to walk through that with Him.
(Btw- the basis for the freedom is the work in the area of bitter root issues.)
I am enjoying being free of anger and constantly surprised at how people are again responding to this increased softness in me. (Thank you Jennifer, Matt, Brandon, Erika, and Erin for being part of that.)
I am overwhelmed with all of the things I could pray about today.
Maybe my filing cabinet is in God's throne room. I think I'll go in there and have Him help me go over some of these things.
May each of you recognize that today you are right where you are supposed to be and that, all by itself, is the greatest experience of love by our Daddy. Take time today to look around and soak in your life. It's happening right in front of you.
Now, rest.
P.S.
Thank all of you who made comments and had ideas about the last blog. Keep those coming. It is what keeps me going. And this time- tell me what you think about this thing. Is it too long? Do I need a cute tag line or a more structured purpose? How often should I update the writing? The pictures? Any ideas.

Egads! What does it feel like to feel gifted and compelled and worthy of a voice?!
I tell you it feels like freedom and a little fear.
There are just too many things going on to explain it all, so I will just pick one thing and go with that. What should it be??? How about how I was a prisoner to anger and bitterness all of my life feeling like what I had to say didn't matter, and this stemming from being raped when I was eight years old and used my voice to tell them to stop, and they did it anyway leaving me feeling rage, and being unable to express it began a pattern of negative, hate filled dialogue in my head that continued on for 30 years stealing my ability to feel my life and any joy.
Yeah, like I said, Egads!
Now try this on for size.
Over the past 10 years, with the loving hand of God as my guide, I have been peeling back layer after layer of fear, addiction, and anxiety only to find anger underneath causing all kinds of mayhem in my mind and heart and after peeling back the layer of abuse begins the process of dealing with the actual events in which God has kindly and Kingly rewritten in my memory, mind, and heart freeing me to come out from under victim-hood and and feel the anger just before He defused it and gave me back my voice.
Hope, hope and more hope dear friends. But it does not come without the work. God is a God of if/then and you can claim promises all day until you are blue in the face and all you will get is a part in an episode of the Smurfs.
Let's see how this works...
I was sitting at church and we had broken into small groups to pray together and my group being made up of people who all know each other very well was discussing some things. I was sharing that having tapped into my root of anger had me a little worried that if it were to come out it would destroy the entire north end of Tacoma. I had enough anger to kill everyone and smash all of their stuff and burn all of their houses down so I could hurt them the way I had been hurt. My friend who is a fireman took a mental note I think.
Someone asked about dealing with anger and I said, and my sister agreed, that I would never encourage anyone to take on the process of healing if they did not first claim at least the faith of a mustard seed.
Another person in our circle was my friend Annie's 13 year old daughter Makenzie. When she heard this she said excitedly, "I have a scripture!" She picked up a bible and began looking for the verse. When she got to it she read it to herself and then closed her bible. I asked her what it had said and she said that it had been the wrong one. She said, "I was looking for one that said something about a mustard seed but I was wrong, all it said was something about prayer and fasting of food." I said for her to took it up and read it. She read us Matthew 17:21, "However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting of food." My fireman friend suggested that we rip that page our and throw it away. I laughed and agreed, but I knew God was using her to tell me that this was how I needed to deal with my anger. To pray and to fast from food. It is always food with me!
Annie, being practically a bible scholar, told Makenzie to read the rest of the scripture around this verse, but she said no and we all went back to our seats and continued with worship. But I knew what had happened, and I knew that God had given me an answer and saved the north end of Tacoma.
When I got home I looked up the verse and read the entire chapter. It's about Jesus curing a boy who suffered from seizures. The disciples had tried to help the boy but could not and when they asked Jesus why He said, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "Move from here to there," and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting."
Ha! She was right on top of the verse! But I needed the other part and God knew that. And if Makenzie had listened to the Spirit in her mother she would have seen that she was not wrong and found the verse she was looking for.
All things work together for God's glory my friends. The big and the small things. I got an answer I wasn't even really aware that I was looking for, Makenzie got to be used by God to help me, and my fireman friend got to sleep easier.
So fast from food, and pray I did and two days ago I spent my first anger free day in 30 years. I didn't wake up to bugles or fireworks. It was very subtle, yet very obvious. There was just something missing and it was something that I didn't miss. I'm not sure yet all of the ways this will effect me, but I know there will be many.
One way that has been so exciting already is the fact that I know what I have to say matters. And as a writer and a teacher that is an extraordinary thing.
Oh but a buyer beware tale... The day after I was done fasting and praying is the day that I lead a small group. Several things conspired that morning to get me angry and to make me feel like no one cared about what I had to say. Instead of racing through several angry speeches in my head I just sat down and asked God what was going on. I realized that I was being tested which made a lot of sense after what I had been going through. I just sat back and let the understanding wash over me and God revealed several things to me. One that the overflowing well of anger was dried up and there wasn't even enough for one angry speech. Two that it does matter what I have to say, but that awareness comes from my trust in Him and not from what and when I say anything. And third that without a test to prove these other two things, I might never have seen so clearly the freedom I had just newly walked into.
I love you Guys, and you guys too.