Last night I was watching The Rookie. It
stars Dennis Quaid and he is a baseball player
who had high hopes for a major league career
until he hurt his elbow.
When the movies starts we find him coaching
his local high school team, with most of his
dreams having been replaced by the daily
duties of having a wife and children.
At some point he allows himself to really throw
the baseball again and realizes that he is
throwing better and faster than when he was
young.
These kinds of movies always get to me. Like
Field of Dreams and Bull Durham, both staring
Kevin Costner. They are about unfulfilled dreams
and the process of realizing them against all odds.
They inspire me. As they were meant to.
This time though, what caught my attention was the
relationship Dennis' character has with his father.
His parents have been divorced a long time and
he has been angry at his dad for a lot of things
since then; making their relationship strained
and all but nonexistent.
These movies are considered 'dude' movies and
have all of the things necessary to interest dudes.
Sports, struggle, past ambitions, and fatherly
relations.
There were several scenes of the father and son
characters trying to interact and being uncomfortable.
One scene has the son going to the father for advice
and leaving frustrated and angry by what he heard.
At one point the mother and son talk about the son's
anger toward the father and she suggests he own
his part of the damage in the relationship and try
to forgive his father.
Well, as all inspirational movies do, he has his moment
in 'the majors.' He successfully strikes out the winning
run and is, again as usual, the humble, and momentary
hero. As he leaves the locker room he sees his dad.
They make a start toward reconciliation by admitting
their part in the mistakes of the past. You can see regret
in both their eyes and the desire for relationship.
At this moment I wondered what it was that I loved
about this movie, it being for dudes and all.
The thought occurred to me that sons crave the approval
of their fathers.
And every little girls wants to be the apple of her daddy's
eye.
In those next few moments I identified with that character;
having my own divorced parents and strained relationship
with my dad. I have often been angry with him and felt
like I lacked the precious love I so craved.
And also in that moment I owned my own part of that as
an adult and then something wonderful happened.
Instead of remembering all of the ways I have been
hurt, I remembered all of the times when I was the apple
of his eye.
The one memory I recalled as plain as day was when
he would come home from work and throw me over his
shoulder and carry me around calling me his 'sack of
potatoes.' I could hear him calling me pumpkin just
like he used to. And in that moment I remembered the
feeling. Not the detached adult feeling, but the actual
childlike, honest feeling I really felt in that moment.
Of he and I being the only people in the whole world,
and there alone with my daddy I was valued and loved
and very much his precious daughter.
Several waves of joy and love passed over me and then
and there I let the reality of a happy childhood take the
place forever of the lies to the contrary.
I love you Daddy.
Thank you for a past and present full of love and joy.
Your apple.

I was talking to my cat, Oscar, the other day and I said, "Things
with me will always change up, but I will always love you." God
piped in and said, "Me too."
I was speaking to my cat out of the things I had going on in my
own head. Again facing the issue of not having a job which means
there is an issue with income which leads to all kinds of worry and
pointless figuring. These times always make me start looking for
the next thing. Not only in the job area but the living area and the
area of which continent to live on.
I have had what to the eyes of the world (and my family) seems
to be a wandering life. Moving from job to job and state to state.
Traveling all over the world sharing His love. I never quite seem
to have a plan or a purpose. Until it's over that is.
I had thought that having been through this exact thing so many times
it would be easier to deal with. But when you lose a job, and by the
way it was the best job I had ever had, you feel that loss. I was sad
not only for me this time, but for the people who had been helped by
that program. I had felt some ease where money was concerned and
that I can tell you is not easy to let go of. I had started to feel like a
productive member of society again. And then it was gone.
I know, because I have lived it, that God is the ultimate provider. He
is the ultimate care taker. He is the the lover of my soul and the joy
of my spirit. Even with all of this experience and belief and new founded
trust it is still a hard thing to face; this being without a job.
I was assuring my beloved cat that no mattes what happens I will look
after him and always love him.
It's nice to be reminded by The big guy himself that He feels the same
way about me.