Today I did what many families do-
I went to see a movie.
Lacey, Amy and I went to see Brad Pitt's
new film The Curious Case of Benjamin
Button. I suggest you go see it.
I think I started crying about 5 minutes
in and stopped by the time we got back
to the car.
I have traditionally held in my tears.
Sometimes for prideful reasons, sometimes
for fear that I couldn't handle feeling so
deeply.
Today I just let it all out. It turns out I am
quite the cry baby. And I loved it.
It feels good to feel. It feels good to know
that it is only going to hurt for a minute.
It feels good to be sucked in to something
and let yourself get lost in the moment and
go where ever the actor/writer/scene takes
you.
In response to that I write this-
Dear Mr. Pitt.
I realize that you do this thing we call acting
for a living. That you consider it your job.
I realize that you wake up every day and
look in the mirror at those beautiful blue eyes
and only see your own face looking back at you.
I realize that people look to you for distraction
and escape- and some seem fascinated by
your daily goings on.
I just thought that you should know that there
are some of us who love movies for more
that what they bring to us. To us who consider
theater art, we also see your contribution on a
grander scale.
There are films that take you to places you
might never see otherwise. Ones that take
us out of our everyday and give us rest from
our own worries. Ones that excite and thrill
us. Ones that make us laugh until we cry.
And then there are ones like your latest work
that cause us to think. Not about earth issues
or world problems, but about our own existence.
Indeed this movie is a love story, and a wonderful
version of one, but it is also a chance to see
someone doing what he was created to do.
And by your doing this it inspires us to consider
our own purpose of creation.
Not only did the move cause me to think about
love and choices and life, your performance in
it made me feel more in love with the thing
that I do. It made me want to reach the level
of interaction with my craft that compels
people to let go and dive in and experience
what I do. What I love.
The story is heart breaking and joy filled. It
takes you and gently brings you back down.
Your part in it as an actor makes it bearable.
You cause us to trust you by your innate sense
of your art, and after we do you are allowed
to make us feel.
It was sheer joy watching you do this in such
a well written role.
Mr Pitt I do not care to whom you are married.
Nor do I care what your political, economical,
or world views are. Those are your personal
items.
I am just glad that at some point in your life
you realized you had a gift and you chose to
share it with me.
Thanks Brad.
Julia

I had an 'acceptance of truth' the other day. This is the moment
when, after knowing something in my head, that it finally reaches
my heart.
Most of my life I have been traveling back and forth between
Washington and Oklahoma.
All of my life my weight has been what I considered 'an issue.'
Before I would go from one place to the next, like to Ok for the
summer or back to Wa after the summer, I dreamed that I
would be thinner.
That during my stay in that place I would lose weight and everyone
would be wowed by the new, thinner me.
As I am writing this I actually do remember this happening a couple
of times in my life. Once after I had moved to Ok to go to college, I
flew to Wa for a visit and I had lost so much weight that my own mother
and best friend (who were at the airport waiting for me) didn't even
recognize me. I was smiling and smiling and the were looking
right through me. When I was inches from their faces I said their
names... and that was one of those moments.
I should have learned then, because of the fact that it didn't make
me feel better or even good.
So a few weeks before coming to Ok for Christmas I started having
my traditional thoughts, "If I stop eating now I can lose 10 or 15 lbs.
before I get there." And to continue with the tradition it did not happen.
As I was sitting on my bed the other day in the middle of a conversation
that had nothing to do with this I realized that no one cared about my
weight gain but me. I figured that most people wouldn't even notice.
I mean all of my weight obsessed friends, and myself, keep track of
every one's gains and losses, but that most people did not care
and really only wanted to see me. Because they love me. They love
my humor and my laugh and my wisdom and encouragement and
they love the way I love them.
This morning I realized that even if they did notice that it would not
affect the way they feel about me. You would all still love me all the
same, size 18 or size 8.
This may seem obvious, and like I said in the beginning, I have had
these thoughts in my head. I know this is true.
This year I let it sink into my heart because I am seeing myself
through the eyes of a heavenly father who also does not care
as long as I am healthy and happy and spending time with Him.
This year I am loved my a Papa that cares more about my joy than
my wieght.

There are a lot of things I want to talk about. Today
I'll start with what God told me on Sunday.
My pastor at Frontline was giving this great teaching
about Christmas and how none of the people that were
alerted to Jesus' birth would have been impressed with
a cute baby being born.

He talked about the fact that for the

kings and the shepherds to even care what was happening

that night it was something big. Something that they

knew in some way changed everything. And that

knowledge should be why we take back our hijacked

Christmas. Pointing out our insatiable desire for

more and more money and stuff. And the truth that

it will never be enough.

God said, "You were not meant to carry this burden.
You are supposed to flit around weightless pouring
out the joy and love I have given you." I felt lighter.
My burden, as with many, many other people right
now is financial. I have always had very negative
emotional responses to money.
My parents, rightly or wrongly, are on opposite ends
of the money handling scale. It left me with confusion
and fear about it. I realized this year that when I have
money I worry.
When I don't have money I worry.
When satan wants to get me- he whispers about money.
The being a good steward thing is something
I beat myself up about- a lot. Believing I am a failure,
and the lie that God is a withholding father come into
play here.
In God's words to me He reminded me that He is who
I hope He is. He is every bit as powerful as I need Him
to be. And He will carry my burdens. All of them.
Including the financial one.
He has often told me when I am going through hard things
that He is much more interested in my character than my comfort.
Sunday He told me that He is much more interested in my
joy than He is in my finances.
That clicking sound you just heard was your paradigm
shifting.

I would be hard pressed to find anything more
sad than eating my entire birthday cake
unless it was sitting in the cold, by myself,
watching Bridget Jones' Diary, eating my entire
birthday cake.
Well here it is again. The season all singletons
dread. The season when the weather conditions
of the earth itself call for coupling. And here I
find myself again alone and the only human prospects
for keeping warm are so obviously inappropriate for
me there is no room for confusion on that point.
While I do not miss the old days of having no
morals to stand in my way of finding a manly
chest to cuddle I must say I look back on them
now rather fondly.
Ah do I go through the list of names? Maybe
just their faces. Each of the lovely in their own
way. Some of them just plain sexy.
Years ago I was at an event at my church and we
had guys who were doing motorcycle tricks in the
parking lot. Well there was this one guy...
I posed as a church photographer and took many
pictures of him. Tall, blond, dangerous. All I can
ask for. I never did talk to him. I remember having
a moment where he was riding over to me and I
smiled and failed to wave him over so he drove away.
I am sure that I might have been able to procure a
date and maybe even some attachment free sex, but
I was glad I was past that. Oh so mature me. Oh so
lonely me.
Well I took one of those pictures and put it in a place
that I keep my hopes and dreams. There is also a
wedding ring. A clean bill of health. And a paid off
credit card.
I hadn't seen those things for over a year. Funny how
so many things change and so many things don't. I'd
still love to meet him. At this point I might step down
from my steed of morality for just one evening of
warm hands on my face. On my waist. On my...
Or maybe I wouldn't. Either way- Merry Christmas to
all and to all who are alone - a good night.

I'm not pro fat. I'm not pro thin either.
I'm pro people.
I'm for everyone, no matter where they find
themselves at this exact moment, feeling
comfortable in their own skin. Today. Right
now. Everyone being ok with how they are.
Fat people want to be thinner. No matter what
is said it is not a healthy condition, nor a natural
one. Neither is skeletal thin obviously.
Everyone is unique to some degree and has a
place where they naturally fit. Maybe a size
4. Maybe a size 14. It needs to be ok just to be.
If I'm ok at my size 16, but feel like I want or
need to lose weight because of reasons based on
how I feel. How I feel about my body and my
health and my clothes and my future...
Not about how boys will like me better or...
Well I'm not sure what other reason people get
thin. Says a lot about me.
But you know what I am getting at.
It should be ok just to be.
Not to have to prove that where you are
right now is justifiable and worthy of respect
as a this or a that weight or job or relationship
status.
You are loved today. And today you are on your
way to change. Just because that is part of life.

There have been many times in my life when I
cried out to God saying, "How much more can
I be broken?!" Feeling, and rightly so, in that
moment that I had endured brokenness many,
many times. I guess believing that there was
a bottom, or an end, to which one can be
broken.
This scenario played out again recently only
this time I did not question God. I simply
agreed, "Again."
In that moment He told me something.
"There is a difference between brokenness
and vulnerability."
As I unpacked that over the next week I had
to agree and not only look on this new experience
with fresh eyes, but also look again at some
past moments.
You see, brokenness is easy. Especially in
the Christian community. Christians love a
good redemptive story. I don't literally mean
it is easy to share your deepest failures with
people, but in the safety of a group of believers
those stories are well received.
vulnerability on the other hand is something all
together different. It requires you to open
yourself up to be hurt. Your defenses have to
be off and you have to be ready to feel anything.
It is as scary as hell. For me anyway.
That point I was looking for, waiting on, praying
about is here. I have been as broken as I could
ever be. I have rooted out the evil in me and
shared it with faithful people. I have taken time
to address and readdress all the hurts and wrongs
done to me. I have gone down the long road of
forgiving others; and the even longer road to
forgiving myself. I have cried an ocean full of
tears for the loss and regrets of my past.
That is what brokenness looks like. And I have
been there and back.
Now as to vulnerability...
you all have still been at arms length.
And to those of you who never held me from
your heart I apologize. My inability to trust has
made me gossipy and mean and closed off.
Today I feel like going naked in front of all of you.
I want so badly to feel trust-ing and trust-ed.