As I cried and cried and neared the end of The Red Tent; I
felt somehow tied to this story. Tied to the women and
to the history. It made me feel like my own story is just
a small part in a story that had begun the first moment
Eve drew her first breath. It continued in my life as in
hers as I was the assertive one who hastened the end of my
marriage. (Her actions of course created the end of life.)
I read in this book about women who were mothers and
daughters and sisters and wives. I saw myself in their
feelings and experiences.
This comparison was made wonderful by the fact that
this story takes place in biblical times. The times before
Jesus. In Jacob's day. It made these characters real
and gave me a woman's perspective on life, love, and
faith during that time.
I realize it is a work of fiction based on some real characters
in the Bible. I also realize that the intire Bible was
translated by men and usually for men since in the times
of the translations women were not educated for the
most part. That fact has always made the Bible read
as fiction for me. It has been a struggle to take in all
of the stories as more than tales. As an adult, and a
Christian by choice, I have chosen to believe them as
memories and factual accounts of the life and times of
God's chosen people which now includes me. And now
because of this book... the Bible is mine.

I am not a dancer; I do not need the body of a dancer
beautiful though they are.
I am not a supermodel therefore I do not need
(crazy beautiful though they are)
the body of a freak of nature.
I am not a rock climber and thus do not need
the muscles of a champion wrestler.
I am not marathon runner and though I envy
their high carb diet, this means I do not need
a runner's body.
I am a writer and from what I have seen
real writers lean to the heavy set
(which is where I naturally and most comfortably belong).
Writers sit and write.
We walk slowly and notice everything.
We read, which also involves a sedentary agreement.
I happen to enjoy having my cat in my lap
having a lap requires a seated position.
Am I psyched to be most comfortable in sweat pants?
No.
Do most writers probably wear sweat pants?
Yes.
I will learn to exude a serene confidence in my sweat pants.
The other option is to continue to be at war with my
body and use copious amounts of brain time considering
what was eaten, what is eaten, and what will be eaten.
I hope to land somewhere in between sweat pants in public
and continued pointless torture.

i'm beginning to wonder if i'm cut out
for this lifestyle.
i mean i'm kinda late on the whole what
do you wanna be when you grow up thing,
and i'm wondering if i'm making the right
choices.
i realize i have had designs on a certain
kind of life. one full of adventure and
travel and service.
i think deep down i've had the desire to
be known. thinking that it would make
me special or important. or both.
i guess i'm coming to terms with my
motives for choosing what i am.
i can not survive on my own in some foreign
land if i went there because it wasn't boring.
the idea of being known scares me now.
i was talking with a new friend of mine here
and he had very strong opinions about well
basically what i am writing the book about.
i didn't say outright that i was talking
about that, but we ended up on a subject
close to my whole point and he was 100%
against it. sort of. it was in the context
of sharing the info in a large group versus
my writing it in a book, but it still shook
me.
because i feel like it should be said in
every place and to everyone because by not
saying it we do ourselves a great disservice
and continue the path of least resistance
that has gotten us nowhere and created a bunch
of pew riding, inherited religion, close minded
people claiming God's name.
i guess i feel pretty strongly about that.
and with those opinions i can not just sit
back and espouse them from the comfort of my
living room sofa.
those kind of ideas need substance to support
them.
so i have to go.
right?