I've been watching Stranger Than Fiction again.
When I got here a year ago I watched it every
night as I fell asleep.
There is a love story and a writer and Will Ferrell.
All the parts of everything I need included.
Today as I watched I wondered about my own
story. I wondered if all of the details that I
consider to be embarrassing or hurtful or unique
or interesting were parts of what makes my
character me.
Like the fact that I can not eat all day and then
like to have food in the evening. According to
doctors that is a prescription for weight gain.
And what about the weight? What if it is instead
of a source of anger and frustration for me it was
just a part of what made my character different?
Made me unique and even more of an amazing
person because despite her size she was able
to find and create a serious sense of style.
And as for my fears and opinions and gifts and
talents, all of these are details that deepen my
character and propel us through the story
and keep us interested...
So my double chin is character in the story.
My funny way of walking while I am still hurt is
a character in the story.
An interesting fact - I love sugar!
My past comes in flashbacks that fill us in on why
the things that are happening now are so amazing.
All of the things in my life, all of the things about
me, all of the people around me are pieces of a
story. A story that matters. A story of real
interest. A story in which I write the pages and
I decide to love or hate, to go or stay, to live or
to die. For some reason this makes me happier.
This makes me feel more accepting of myself.
The idea that I am a character in a story that ties
my life to the lives of every person who lived a
life; a story that ties me to my own life and
for some reason encourages me to live my life.
Keeping in mind that I am who I am because my
character was written this way and all of the things,
good and bad that make me me and cause me
joy and pain, all of these things are mine.
And yours.
And His.
And they belong to history. Time before mine
and for the rest of time to come.
My life is a movie, a novel, a character driven
story. In it I am uneasy and I am excited.
Right now.
What happens next?
Turn the page.

I am not a dancer; I do not need the body of a dancer
beautiful though they are.
I am not a supermodel therefore I do not need
(crazy beautiful though they are)
the body of a freak of nature.
I am not a rock climber and thus do not need
the muscles of a champion wrestler.
I am not marathon runner and though I envy
their high carb diet, this means I do not need
a runner's body.
I am a writer and from what I have seen
real writers lean to the heavy set
(which is where I naturally and most comfortably belong).
Writers sit and write.
We walk slowly and notice everything.
We read, which also involves a sedentary agreement.
I happen to enjoy having my cat in my lap
having a lap requires a seated position.
Am I psyched to be most comfortable in sweat pants?
No.
Do most writers probably wear sweat pants?
Yes.
I will learn to exude a serene confidence in my sweat pants.
The other option is to continue to be at war with my
body and use copious amounts of brain time considering
what was eaten, what is eaten, and what will be eaten.
I hope to land somewhere in between sweat pants in public
and continued pointless torture.