I bought a candle this color yesterday. It smells like fake evergreen.
Not like fake pine which smell like a bathroom from the 1980's, but
like one of those gigantic trees outside my window. Only fake.
I was thinking today about the fact that it's hard for me to reconcile
the loving Father God, and the disciplinarian Father God. I can almost
always see quickly the purpose of the pain in my life whether it be
emotional or spiritual. Having been confronted with 3 full months of
debilitating pain i had to look for a deeper purpose than suffering.
Right from the beginning, well after I started to take it seriously, I
became aware of many things which i have already written about.
Then I started to see it effect other people. Drawing them closer to
God and causing us to all be more vulnerable with one another.
(which I resisted all the way.)
It seems inevitable that at some point we ask, "Why did You let this
happen to me?" I know You are more interested in my character than
my comfort, but that knowledge increases my discomfort. If I struggle
with trust allowing that to continually taint my everyday life, and by this
I mean trying to take care of things that are better left to God and
worrying and making sure I get mine... how am I ever going to
get past that if when I need you most I find more pain?
I mean do You love and protect me or not?
We all know the answer to that. I am just really feeling tried and
pressed and left out to dangle in the wind. I want the protective Daddy
to rally when things go wrong and to honor my faith when I ask Him
to heal me. I want my ability to trust Him to be more important than
my learning lessons and bringing others closer to Him. I want to be
His most precious daughter and for nothing to get past His ever
watchful eye.
That's what I want.

It seems the answers these days are always
found in vulnerability.
Deeper and deeper levels of vulnerability.
I do so hate this.

What a freaking week!
What a disaster the last 2 months have been!
I was thinking tonight that I don't think I ever felt
like Jesus ever really needed to die for my sins.
I believe that He did and that His blood has
covered my past in forgiveness, but I don't think in
the shallow layers of my consciousness that I ever
felt like I had done anything that was necessary for
Him to die for.
I think deep down. Down farther than I have ever
cared to let myself see, let alone anyone else,
down there I have secretly felt I was and still am
such a cheating, lying, thieving, hateful, worthless,
looser that His death couldn't possibly cover it all.
Believing this lie has tainted every aspect of my life.
May God renew my mind tonight as I sleep, a deep,
peaceful sleep, about exactly what He has done for
me and just who it is that I am to Him.
May He do the same for you.