i want to be comfortable
in my jeans.
ya know the space you get in
where as soon as you get home
you put on pants with an
elastic waistband?
because the jeans, while standing,
look good and aren't too
uncomfortable,
but there is no sitting without
air being constricted.
and not because you are fat
but because maybe you once
were fat
and the chub hangs over the jeans.
or because you are in your 30's and
you have a gut, like everyone
else, right or wrong,
that gets cut in half when you sit
in the jeans.
i want to put them on in the morning
and be so comfortable in them i
curl up on my bed in them and write.
just like i am now.
and guess what...
it's not about the gut or its reason
for being.
it's about the cut and fit of the jeans.
yay gap!

you know, as i sit here and wait
i question everything
and nothing.
i know my heart and i know
Your heart and i
trust You.
ever since the day we met i
have struggled
with the idea that insisting that everyone know You like i do is what is right.
i struggle with terms
like missions
and evangelism.
i can't help but feel
that You have a hand on
all of the people - all of the time.
so what is my part
in my life and beyond?
all i know to share is that my life before you was a prison of sadness, rejection, and destruction.
since i met you i am a sparrow with eagles wings.

i felt so cute in this outfit! of course i can see now that it is not flattering at all and indeed if you took away my hair and my fashion sense, well let's just say that maybe if the michelin man had better fashion he would look better too.

i got to go with tom to the hospital here where he had been hired to photograph their new da vinci machine. it's amazing. and expensive. the dr. sits at the controls, which are behind me, and the patient is on a table across the room.

speaking of expensive...the support letters are out. i'm nervous! i have so often been worried about money that even when the most exciting things are going on in my life and God is right with my world... i can always worry about money.

i come from a line of people who control their money and in some ways of course the money controls them. on the other side of the line there is lack of control and loss of credit. i have managed to fall somewhere in the middle but i never feel quite free of the worry. like i am never doing it right enough. and this is just so stupid!

God has had my back in every occasion where money is concerned! even when He didn't give it to me he gave it to my dad and sister and mom and amy and dani and ang and ash and chris and tasha and tom and... seriously that is just a few off the top of my head! what in heaven's name is there to worry about?!

so today i claim to all of you that i refuse to allow satan to steal my joy in this time of my life and i plead the blood of Jesus over my finances and humbly ask forgiveness for my past financial mistakes, stinginess, and lack of obedience and stewardship (and my future ones). i pray for a clean slate in which he cannot bring to mind those past issues or future worries and bind the ones sent to use that against me.

i give thanks to the most high God who has not only said in His word that He would provide, but has proved time and again in my life that it is true. i thank Him for my finances now and the ones i need for the future and for the opportunity to depend even more deeply on Him.

i rejoice with the ones i love for the times he has already provided and wait hopefully and expectantly for Him to do it over and over again in the future.

AND when it doesn't look the way i thought it would or come in the time i think it should i, in advance, choose to praise His name and look without fear for His perfect plan instead of doubting and worrying!

therefore now there is no condemnation.

oh thank God for that.

love you all.

these are photos of the mural that dimitri has done for the nativity house. he's been working on it for a month now and i've gotten to help out some! it is so fun. the nativity house is like a soup kitchen. people can go there and get food during the day when they have to be out of the shelters. they have a chapel and an art room and storage and rest rooms and the most loving staff. the trunk of the tree has all the names of the donors that helped build this building.

this is what d does. all over the world he does this. i am honored to not only know him, but to to get to help bless these people with art... God is so good.

d and i have started going to their chapel service on Thurs morning. we walk about 3 miles from our favorite coffee place to downtown. it's so interesting. while we were walking yesterday i asked him what he thought people thought when they saw us. i said, "oh look at that nice lady taking that homeless guy somewhere." we laughed and i asked if i could be homeless looking also. he said no. i was too clean. i was like, "well homeless people get clean. maybe i just got clean." and he said it was a different kind of clean. deep clean. and my shoes were a dead give away. way too clean.

anyway- yesterday was the second time d and i had gone to the service and the staff rotates who leads it and it was paulette's day. she is a wonderful black woman and every bit of powerful christian that great stereotype has. bold and loving and in the moment. these services have gotten small lately but d did invite a young man who was waiting outside for the kitchen to open. so there were 4 of us.

paulette looked at me and with a tired voice asked if i was prayed up. and i say yes and she tells me that this is mine. i'm going to lead it. now normally that would not intimidate me but i have been here 6 months and this season has been one of learning to listen and not speak and to love openly and vulnerably. there is no self or pride in my teaching or leading now and in fact i feel nervous and ill-equipped. so i start to pray and God (of course) takes over and it's powerful and He brings a scripture to mind to talk about and that feeling of being out of my body while He uses it is so strong and i can feel the spirit in the room and i am blown away.

we have great discussion and encourage david, the young man there, and it is obvious that paulette has been refreshed and ministered to and she says she is loving this and... i feel high.

then d and i go outside and talk to some of the people in line waiting to get in and i want to hug all of them but i refrain and we all talk and laugh for a few minutes and then d and i start our walk back home.

ok let me go back for a minute and tell you that that morning, yesterday morning, i was worried and anxious before my eyes opened. i couldn't decide what to do. i had overlapping obligations and when i showed up for coffee i didn't know if we needed to go to nativity house at all. d was so supportive and said he wanted me to take time and pray and choose, that he felt no compulsion to go but he would support my choice. we, of course, didn't know what was going to happen, and i'm still not sure he gets what happened for me fully although i explained some of it to him on the way home.

i can't even explain to myself all that went down in the right order to make it what it was but it was soooooooooooooooo God!

then i got home and Corey (my accountability partner) had sent me this word via email:

"This season is a season to claim your voice, your heart and your life. Others have spoken for you and know it will be your season to live YOUR life and to express it without shame, bitterness or regret. but with boldness, grace, love, acceptance and in freedom. Let the dividing barrier come down!"

AND ALL HIS PEOPLE SAID?

AMEN!!!!!

I am so tired right now.
I don't really feel like writing.
I will though in the spirit of fulfilling my commitment to doing this every Sunday...
I went to Seattle with my mom today to a peace corps meeting. I was hoping to be either be encouraged or discouraged about joining. I am pleased to say that I was encouraged. I got to hear lots of stories from people who had done this and all of them say it was hard and so worth it. There was a lady there who went in in her 50's as a single woman. It was good to hear a perspective close to my own. I also was pleased to hear that stuck in a grass hut in Africa is not the only option.
Tonight I feel completely incapable of doing anything about what I need to do and feel like I am on the verge of not caring what happens.
I feel overwhelmed and free.
I'm going to sleep now.