I started doing this very responsible thing in honor of being committed and faithful with this blog idea. I was even encouraged by a friend of mine to focus on this avenue of writing which confirmed for me what I had been feeling about it. So with new intention in mind I started to keep notes on things I wanted to write about and then instead of going with whatever was on my mind at the moment I have been going back and digging deeper into things that had been percolating for a while. This seemed not only an easier way, but a better way to make sure my thoughts were fully processed, and it has kept me writing each week because I don't have to try and come up with something on the spot.
But... today I have to share something I learned yesterday. It is such an overwhelming truth that I hope every single person in the world reads it.
I was meeting with Abe, my pastor/mentor/teacher/small group leader. And yes, his life reflects that he wears all of those hats in that he is super busy. We talked about a lot of things that concern our small group and our church. We also talked about how I am feeling about being a woman, and a single one at that, who is called to teach and pastor.
In my life, being a woman has been something that I have been ashamed of. First as a part of a world where "you throw like a girl" is an insult. Second by being raised in a religious environment that does not know that women are God's most beautiful creation with all of the gifts and inheritance afforded to men. And third because we have accepted the absurd notion that all women are supposed to look similar in shape to be considered valued and desired.
These things have caused in me not only a war against who I was created to be, but also a shame based way of thinking about myself.
Abe told me he believes, and I agree, that there are 3 voices that can contribute to the negative tapes of self hate. The voice of the flesh, the voice of the devil, and the voice of the world.
Here is the part that knocked the wind out of me yesterday.
He said that he read in a John Eldridge book the idea that as we hear each of those voices reminding us of lies we believe about ourselves like, you are stupid, or fat, or boring, and the corresponding feeling begins to surface of shame, or fear, or guilt, that as the tape plays, others hear it and respond to it. The idea is that while I am hearing those things and believing them, another person who I am interacting with can hear those things also and start to believe them about me and react as if they are true. For example I feel like I am being overlooked because I am a woman. During a conversation with Abe he begins to think that he can't give me a certain responsibility because I am a woman. In essence agreeing with me about my own negative self talk. In the world it is called self fulfilling prophecy or manifestation of negative self talk, but that makes it all about, and all up to, us. This idea, like all of Jesus' ideas, makes us responsible for and to each other. If while I am talking with a friend of mine and I find myself thinking, "Man you really are not smart," then I get the opportunity to stop and realize they already feel that way about themselves and I am hearing their inner evil voice tear them apart from the inside out.
OH MY GOD! The weight and responsibility of that set heavily on me as the awareness of whom I had done that exact thing with came to mind. I had agreed with their hate filled inner voice and thought and acted on it! OH MY GOD! Heartbreaking! And encouraging to know that I can stop that from effecting others; and that when I leave those voices of mine behind for good, well it will be different I am sure.
My friend Dani reminded me, after I shared this with her, that we are told to pray for more gifts of the spirit. Those of you that have a mercy gift may not find yourself being judgmental or critical as often, but those of us who don't share in that naturally, need more grace and kindness. I have prayed for that, and now have another thread woven ever so precisely into the fabric I call my life. All of the sudden it is a carpet of flowers in soft, pastel colors and thick, deep pile that makes for a safe place to land. For me, and for you.

What a freaking week!
What a disaster the last 2 months have been!
I was thinking tonight that I don't think I ever felt
like Jesus ever really needed to die for my sins.
I believe that He did and that His blood has
covered my past in forgiveness, but I don't think in
the shallow layers of my consciousness that I ever
felt like I had done anything that was necessary for
Him to die for.
I think deep down. Down farther than I have ever
cared to let myself see, let alone anyone else,
down there I have secretly felt I was and still am
such a cheating, lying, thieving, hateful, worthless,
looser that His death couldn't possibly cover it all.
Believing this lie has tainted every aspect of my life.
May God renew my mind tonight as I sleep, a deep,
peaceful sleep, about exactly what He has done for
me and just who it is that I am to Him.
May He do the same for you.

2008 hu? I wonder what happens next?
It's hard to figure out what it looks like.
I'm in this place that I don't really know
how to navigate through because it's new
and I have to learn a new language and
how to hear and how to respond to it.
I just read this book called "the alchemist."
A friend of mine gave it to me for my bday.
I've read it before. I mean what I read
before is called "the dream catcher" by irwin
mcmannus but it's the same story. This book
just doesn't use such explicit christian
words so it makes it more for the embittered
masses.
Either way, it's a story we all know and one
that we all read, and then what?
It's about finding your dream and becoming
what you were put here to become.
It is an adventure story and a romance
and for me part comedy. There is loss and
gain. There are people met on the way that
bless us and those that do us harm.
We face set backs that make us want to turn
back and there are moments of great clarity
that encourage us to go forward.
There is a great love. There is treasure.
There is a person that you are going to be
that is not who you are today and who you
will not ever be if you don't leave it all
and go where you have to.
And yes... you do have to leave it all to
get to that place. There is just no way
around that. Read these stories or read
the bible and the stories of the disciples.
They left all to follow Him.
I used to wonder if He called or required
each of us to different levels of surrender
or commitment or passion. I wondered if
it looked unique for each of us as to allow
the possibility that some of us didn't have
to go as far as others.
Now... I don't think so. I think He wants
each of us to follow this path and what is
different are the details of where and when
but not if.
The deal is that only a few of us accept this
challenge and even fewer of us allow Him to
take us through to it's end.
Not the end like death end, but the end of
the journey that fills us with freedom and
wisdom that serves us until the death end.
At the end of that season, the season of
travel and surrender and complete dependence,
there is:
time in the new place where you do the thing that
you were created to do and it fills your entire
being with purpose and completion.
treasure at the end that then allows you to
return to your love and live life with the
reward of the journey.
a job to be done after your rabbi is gone and
you go on alone to talk about the things He
told you and the miracles you saw Him do.
Those are the details that will differ from
person to person. Not the option to just not
go.
I know not many of us will. In fact, most of
us don't. I get it. We want comfort and to
do what pleases others and ourselves. We feel
like we need these other experiences in the
time allowed by our human understanding.
This does not make us failures.
It does make us less dangerous.
All of these stories so far have men as the
hero. All of the classic myths and truths
are of men that are called to go on these types
of journeys. I felt like it couldn't be that
He was calling me because I am a woman, but
He did. He is.
I'm not going to make up a story and give the
characters fake names. You don't need another
fantasy to dream about or another legend or
tale of something impossible.
I'm going to go do this for real and I'm
gonna talk about it as plainly as possible
and as truthfully as possible.
This is not optional for us as His children. It
is required and we have been dumbed down
as to not step out and therefore we are losing
the war because we have let the truth become
watery and we are not dangerous as warriors not
because we no longer know how to use our
sword but because we no longer hear nor heed
the voice of our commander.
It's not fantasy or a tale or a myth. It's a real
path and a real purpose.
It's not for everyone.
But what if it was?