Further notes on dating me through
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
My Uncle Bob always treated me like
I was special. He would make sure that
in the midst of what was sometimes more
than 50 people, that I felt noticed.
He lit up when I came in the room and
within the time it took for him to make
his way over to hug me, he'd be fully
into the second verse of Julie.
I can't remember now exactly how it went
but I think it was something like, "Truly
Julie I love you," and then something about
how everyone does.
I can still feel him bending over and giving
me the best and most appropriate side hug.
I would smile so big my eyes would disappear.
I felt shy and ecstatic about the attention.
I would tuck my head a little and let it
rest on his shoulder and feel more complete
and more special than any other day of the
year.
He never lingered too long making it too
obvious or uncomfortable. He would go back
to my Aunt Normie and sit and talk, or go
watch the game with the boys, but I would
continue to feel loved even with out his
direct attention.
I have no idea what made my Uncle Bob see
me in a special light. As far as I know
he did not do this to any other kids.
Maybe he saw my great spirit and how it was
afraid. Maybe he could feel the insecurity
of being in a group. Maybe God just told
him I needed special attention.
I don't know, but I wish I could say that
it kept me from treating myself and allowing
others to treat me without respect.
I wish I had understood what he was trying
to tell me, and let it spare me some pain.
I can see him now, as I will see him on that
day, with his big brown afro, and dark brown
skin. He will probably be wearing some double
knit poly pants with a flared leg, also in
brown, and a long sleeved, yellow shirt with
snaps.
I hope he knows that I get it now. That I see
my worth. Through the eyes of God and through
the eyes of my Uncle Bob.
I hope that my future husband sees me like that
too.

Some further thoughts on dating...
(keeping in mind that the end result would
be marriage.)
I used to wake up looking refreshed. Now even
mid morning there are still pillow lines on my
face.
I never had a tight, small body so that is no
loss to me, but it really is not all that fun to
look at in the mirror.
I can be sarcastic and standoffish when I am
nervous and I am definitely going to be
nervous on a date.
I have been this way so long that, afraid of
real intimacy I mean, that I can't see any
other way of being.
I like my space, and I am selfish about it.
I have put out the "I'm not interested," vibe
for so long I don't know if I can turn it off.
And by 'not interested' I mean "I am desperate
for you to notice and want me, but I know
you will not love me, so bitter, bitter, bitter."
Ha- made myself laugh with that one.
I have decided I know what kind of man I want
and let go of what kind of man I think I
want and I am left with wondering if there is
any kind of man who will want me.
I have scars from past abuse. I have scars
from past choices. I have awareness of most
of these things.
I get bloated easily.
I struggle with food (and it usually ends up
all over my clothes.)
I don't always practice what I preach.
I only exercise in spurts.
When I am afraid I close down and go hide
somewhere leaving a very clear message of,
"Leave me alone!"
I don't like to think of others before myself,
though I do, I usually require an animal
sacrifice.
I am terrified of letting someone know all of
these things and letting him judge me.
I am terrified there are more things that I
don't even know that a man sees instantly and
makes him want to run away.
I am most afraid that I will fall in love with
someone and he will fall in love with me and
I will have to let him in.
Or not.
And that is the worst pain of all.

As I start thinking seriously about dating, and yes I said dating,
I have some new thoughts on this.
First of all the idea of meeting strangers is so weird. I know that
everyone who is a friend now at one time was a stranger, but
I haven't looked to any of them with romantic interest, and that is
what seems weird.
That it's not anyone I already know. And I do believe that it is not
anyone I already know. And that is because the men I do know are
barely datable. (and none of them read this so I feel free to be honest,
and a little rude.)
As most of you know who know me; in my
past I have done things that if it were not for the saving grace of Jesus
Christ, the forgiving adoration of my Father God, and the sweet,
calling voice of the Holy Spirit, I would not have survived dealing with.
I wonder how to tell, with the literal tagging of one's sins gone from
acceptable practice, how do I tell what kind of a person he is?
And at what point do I reveal my stuff?
I have been so terrified to even have a man look at me that the idea of
seeking one out to marry is feeling very strange right now.
But also very possible.
I used to fall back on the idea that I was not thin enough to attract the
kind of guy I wanted to marry. Then I started watching men who are
physically attracted to a friend of mine, and it brought up all the fear I
have where this is concerned.
I've never dealt well with being thin. It usually gets me into trouble,
and that kind of trouble I just don't do any more. Again, thanks to
the Three.
But! This was not supposed to be about that. It is about me realizing
that I have no idea how to do this. First of all, there are no eligible men
in my circle of friends, as I mentioned before.
So... that leaves Internet dating. Or does it?
I have never wanted to date, so the idea was no even an option for me.
I also rely very heavily on someones energy to decide if they are for
real. And I know that God is in control of this, and does it say that I
don't trust Him with this.
But all excuses aside, is this a viable option for me now?
I have decided, after the year and a half that I have been given to
decide this, that what I want is to be married and have a family.
I also want to write and teach etc., but after having the most perfect
job fall into my lap (and then out of) I realize that none of the
things I think I want are going to be fulfilling.
I mean I LOVED that job. It was all that I had asked for, even since
I was a kid. It incorporated all of the passions and gifts I posses and
have been given, and it was great, but it didn't fill me.
It didn't satisfy something deeper in me.
Now I know, only God brings true satisfaction, and I am 100% on
board with that. I know it to be true.
I also know that this life was meant to be shared with a person. I mean
it was that way from day one.
I cannot however wrap my mind around how that will happen, and I
can't help but be excited about it. Just a little.

ARGH!!!!! My spirit is in such an uproar! I have stepped out onto
a limb I am unfamiliar with and it could break!
I sent some writings that I have done to a paper today, one which
I had already been rejected, by the way. Last time I sent things
that represented me only. This time I sent things they might
actually want to use. Learning is great. Failure is too.
And that brings me to today's topic.
Trust.
What do failure and trust have to with each other? you might
ask. Or you might not if you've been where I have. And I imagine
most people have.
But! here is what I learned today.
Well first here is what I know about me yesterday-
Yesterday I was afraid to move forward. I was afraid to try and to
fail. The last time I failed it filled me with anger. Looking back
I recognize that fear of failure has kept me from doing a lot of things.
Things I wish I'd done. Now don't get into regret here. These things
would have made my life different, but not necessarily better.
I mean if I had decided to pursue acting and singing which I have
loved and done since a very young age I might be rich and famous
right now getting to do something that I really enjoy. Or I might have
moved to LA or NY and picked up a serious drug habit, leaving
me sick and sad.
So... it would be different, but who is to say better?
So having accepted this I can only look forward and chose with God's
guidance to not be afraid. To chose to try and to succeed. And to fail.
If I believe that I am the only one. The only one that matters, the only
one responsible for me, the only on making the choices, then failing
is terrifying.
It is a direct reflection on me, and I Failed.
(with a capital F)
If instead... I trust... Trust that God is who He says He is, and
He has told me that he has plans to prosper and not to harm me.
He promised He will finish the good work He started in me.
He is about me and for me and in love with me and delighted by me.
If this is true, and I trust that it is, then failure is just an opportunity
to try again. To fine tune. To reevaluate.
So before I emailed this man my best, I prayed and commended the work,
and the result to His hands.
And then I laid down about 20 other stress filled fears.
I feel then scratching at the back of my neck right now. They want back in.
I'm going to go take a shower.
They can't stick to water apparently.

After having a rough morning with God and Corey
yesterday in which I had to confess that I have been
angry, again, with God and was struggling with trusting
Him, again; I also had to ask forgiveness for the rebellion
in my heart that was causing the roadblock of anger
and mistrust.
Now that was hard. "I'm the victim here!" "I was the one
who was hurt while You just stood there!" "It's not my fault!"
All things that are hard to admit that I think, and even harder
to admit that I feel. But I do, and it causes me to harden my
heart, which creates space between me and God where none
should be. The consequences of that space are: freaking out,
confusion, anger, stress, fear, loneliness...
As things begin to take shape in this new season for me I come
to the point all rebellious spirit's dread - structure.
I was reading in Habakkuk this morning and relating to his
questioning God, as I always do when I read this, and after I
read God's answer (I love that He answers!), I noticed the
little printed note in the corner.
"Feelings come and feeling leave you, but the disciplines of life
are what get you where you want to go." Anne Ortlund
I am deciding right now where it is that I want to go like I have
never done before. I didn't decide to go to college. I just ended
up there. I didn't decide I wanted to get married. I said yes
because I loved him and he asked me. I didn't decide to move
here. I came to visit and God has told me to stay.
My rebellion has done more than just keep me from being close to
those I love, and to God. I has kept me from a disciplined life.
A life of choice, and hope, and direction. A life of safety and
ease and peace.
May we each see through the lie that structure and discipline
are beyond our reach and out of our control and realize that
God is a god of order and He is that for a reason, and that
reason is because He knows without it we get not the freedom
we imagine, but the chaos we deserve.
And who wants what they deserve?

Last night I was watching The Rookie. It
stars Dennis Quaid and he is a baseball player
who had high hopes for a major league career
until he hurt his elbow.
When the movies starts we find him coaching
his local high school team, with most of his
dreams having been replaced by the daily
duties of having a wife and children.
At some point he allows himself to really throw
the baseball again and realizes that he is
throwing better and faster than when he was
young.
These kinds of movies always get to me. Like
Field of Dreams and Bull Durham, both staring
Kevin Costner. They are about unfulfilled dreams
and the process of realizing them against all odds.
They inspire me. As they were meant to.
This time though, what caught my attention was the
relationship Dennis' character has with his father.
His parents have been divorced a long time and
he has been angry at his dad for a lot of things
since then; making their relationship strained
and all but nonexistent.
These movies are considered 'dude' movies and
have all of the things necessary to interest dudes.
Sports, struggle, past ambitions, and fatherly
relations.
There were several scenes of the father and son
characters trying to interact and being uncomfortable.
One scene has the son going to the father for advice
and leaving frustrated and angry by what he heard.
At one point the mother and son talk about the son's
anger toward the father and she suggests he own
his part of the damage in the relationship and try
to forgive his father.
Well, as all inspirational movies do, he has his moment
in 'the majors.' He successfully strikes out the winning
run and is, again as usual, the humble, and momentary
hero. As he leaves the locker room he sees his dad.
They make a start toward reconciliation by admitting
their part in the mistakes of the past. You can see regret
in both their eyes and the desire for relationship.
At this moment I wondered what it was that I loved
about this movie, it being for dudes and all.
The thought occurred to me that sons crave the approval
of their fathers.
And every little girls wants to be the apple of her daddy's
eye.
In those next few moments I identified with that character;
having my own divorced parents and strained relationship
with my dad. I have often been angry with him and felt
like I lacked the precious love I so craved.
And also in that moment I owned my own part of that as
an adult and then something wonderful happened.
Instead of remembering all of the ways I have been
hurt, I remembered all of the times when I was the apple
of his eye.
The one memory I recalled as plain as day was when
he would come home from work and throw me over his
shoulder and carry me around calling me his 'sack of
potatoes.' I could hear him calling me pumpkin just
like he used to. And in that moment I remembered the
feeling. Not the detached adult feeling, but the actual
childlike, honest feeling I really felt in that moment.
Of he and I being the only people in the whole world,
and there alone with my daddy I was valued and loved
and very much his precious daughter.
Several waves of joy and love passed over me and then
and there I let the reality of a happy childhood take the
place forever of the lies to the contrary.
I love you Daddy.
Thank you for a past and present full of love and joy.
Your apple.

I was talking to my cat, Oscar, the other day and I said, "Things
with me will always change up, but I will always love you." God
piped in and said, "Me too."
I was speaking to my cat out of the things I had going on in my
own head. Again facing the issue of not having a job which means
there is an issue with income which leads to all kinds of worry and
pointless figuring. These times always make me start looking for
the next thing. Not only in the job area but the living area and the
area of which continent to live on.
I have had what to the eyes of the world (and my family) seems
to be a wandering life. Moving from job to job and state to state.
Traveling all over the world sharing His love. I never quite seem
to have a plan or a purpose. Until it's over that is.
I had thought that having been through this exact thing so many times
it would be easier to deal with. But when you lose a job, and by the
way it was the best job I had ever had, you feel that loss. I was sad
not only for me this time, but for the people who had been helped by
that program. I had felt some ease where money was concerned and
that I can tell you is not easy to let go of. I had started to feel like a
productive member of society again. And then it was gone.
I know, because I have lived it, that God is the ultimate provider. He
is the ultimate care taker. He is the the lover of my soul and the joy
of my spirit. Even with all of this experience and belief and new founded
trust it is still a hard thing to face; this being without a job.
I was assuring my beloved cat that no mattes what happens I will look
after him and always love him.
It's nice to be reminded by The big guy himself that He feels the same
way about me.