I keep wondering what it is that makes you feel at home.
It most definitely involves people, like friends and family,
and comfort, like your stuff, but what else?
The landscape? I mean like lakes and rivers, or mountains
and ocean? Open spaces versus skyscrapers. (i'm psyched i got
to use that word. skyscrapers. ha.)
Warm and balmy or cool and rainy?
And how much do these things factor in to making us feel
welcome?
As I grow into my skin I begin to think that it's not so much
what's gong on outside as it is what's going on inside.
If you have people that love you, they love you no matter
where you are.
If you enjoy being outside, you will go outside no matter what
the details of your surroundings are.
And I'm not sure at all that it matters what you like.
I HATE hot weather! And yet I call Oklahoma home.
I LOVE forested areas! And yet I call Oklahoma home.
My sister is raising my niece in Washington. And yet I...
My Dad got here yesterday, and my mom is down the street,
and my sister is across the hall asleep with my niece, and my
heart morns the loss of that simplicity because the truth is
these worlds are 2000 miles apart. It can never be right.
So I find myself right back where I started.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
F%@K! and also the peace that passes understanding
Dude yesterday sucked!
Like I wrote a few days ago I feel like things are changing in the way I receive from Jesus. I also wrote that I had been under attack in some areas.
All hell rained down yesterday in the form of a bounced check! I hate! hate! hate! financial issues! I hate that I still fail at that level! I hate feeling helpless and knowing It's my own fault!
It's a good thing I was already suited up in my full body armor or that might have taken me down. It was a big deal from the get go and when I started trying to deal with it the mess got bigger and bigger. This thing pulled me off course and sent me spinning in the direction of 'this changes everything'.
After I cussed and yelled some...I took a step back and got some perspective. I realized all that had really changed were my circumstances. The lessons and the time and the purpose and the peace are still intact. It feels good and kind of weirds me out. I'm not used to that kind of peace. It's outside of effort.
So are the forgiveness and understanding and humbleness I feel today.
Like I wrote a few days ago I feel like things are changing in the way I receive from Jesus. I also wrote that I had been under attack in some areas.
All hell rained down yesterday in the form of a bounced check! I hate! hate! hate! financial issues! I hate that I still fail at that level! I hate feeling helpless and knowing It's my own fault!
It's a good thing I was already suited up in my full body armor or that might have taken me down. It was a big deal from the get go and when I started trying to deal with it the mess got bigger and bigger. This thing pulled me off course and sent me spinning in the direction of 'this changes everything'.
After I cussed and yelled some...I took a step back and got some perspective. I realized all that had really changed were my circumstances. The lessons and the time and the purpose and the peace are still intact. It feels good and kind of weirds me out. I'm not used to that kind of peace. It's outside of effort.
So are the forgiveness and understanding and humbleness I feel today.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
In my skin
There is history here. Blah, blah, blah. We all have our story of insecurity.
Over the past few months I have been ecstatic to learn that with healing comes being comfortable with who I am. In my own skin as it were.
As I become more at ease just being me I see the discomfort of others more easily. Not in a judgmental way, in an, "Oh my! I was not the only one!" kind of way.
In dealing with a difficult situation the other day I reacted to something someone said to me with hurt and anger. I felt unjustly accused and judged. This person questioned my trustworthiness and my dependability.
Over the next few days as i processed how i was feeling, and the facts of the situation, I began to realize something. Even though the situation did not warrant these accusations... they were true nonetheless.
As I fall into the trap of gossip at historical levels - I am not trustworthy.
The fact that I am human - makes me not dependable.
Not things I am proud of, but, I'm ok with it. Because I am ok with me.
I feel like the person acted according to a sense that these things were true. Not true in the situation at hand, but true in general.
I've dug and dug at roots. I have been open and honest and humiliated by what I found.
Now... I am at peace with what's inside.
Healed. Whole. Humble. Fallible. And doing the best I can.
Over the past few months I have been ecstatic to learn that with healing comes being comfortable with who I am. In my own skin as it were.
As I become more at ease just being me I see the discomfort of others more easily. Not in a judgmental way, in an, "Oh my! I was not the only one!" kind of way.
In dealing with a difficult situation the other day I reacted to something someone said to me with hurt and anger. I felt unjustly accused and judged. This person questioned my trustworthiness and my dependability.
Over the next few days as i processed how i was feeling, and the facts of the situation, I began to realize something. Even though the situation did not warrant these accusations... they were true nonetheless.
As I fall into the trap of gossip at historical levels - I am not trustworthy.
The fact that I am human - makes me not dependable.
Not things I am proud of, but, I'm ok with it. Because I am ok with me.
I feel like the person acted according to a sense that these things were true. Not true in the situation at hand, but true in general.
I've dug and dug at roots. I have been open and honest and humiliated by what I found.
Now... I am at peace with what's inside.
Healed. Whole. Humble. Fallible. And doing the best I can.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
There has been a lot of talk lately of a deeper relationship with Jesus.
A more intimate relationship.
When I think of intimacy I think of married people. Knowing each other's dreams and desires. Sharing common values and goals. Seeing each other first thing in the morning, and being ok with that. Stuff like that.
What is intimacy with God?
I have always felt a certain level of familiarity with Him because He talks to me. I assumed everyone had this experience. When I found out they didn't it made me feel, well special, but also connected to Him.
As He has pursued me, and I Him, there has been a same-ness to the experiences. The way He handles me and ministers to me and blesses me.
There has been a pattern of worship and prayer and pressing in from me to Him.
I'm discovering that to be more intimate means things change.
I mean if allowing someone to fillet your heart and piece it back together isn't the deepest level of intimacy I'm not sure I get it.
I guess that's what I'm getting at. I don't get it. I mean I'm not getting it now.
What used to "work" doesn't feel the same.
What used to comfort no longer does.
What used to draw me close to Him falls short.
I'm kind of surprised I'm not more nervous about it...
A more intimate relationship.
When I think of intimacy I think of married people. Knowing each other's dreams and desires. Sharing common values and goals. Seeing each other first thing in the morning, and being ok with that. Stuff like that.
What is intimacy with God?
I have always felt a certain level of familiarity with Him because He talks to me. I assumed everyone had this experience. When I found out they didn't it made me feel, well special, but also connected to Him.
As He has pursued me, and I Him, there has been a same-ness to the experiences. The way He handles me and ministers to me and blesses me.
There has been a pattern of worship and prayer and pressing in from me to Him.
I'm discovering that to be more intimate means things change.
I mean if allowing someone to fillet your heart and piece it back together isn't the deepest level of intimacy I'm not sure I get it.
I guess that's what I'm getting at. I don't get it. I mean I'm not getting it now.
What used to "work" doesn't feel the same.
What used to comfort no longer does.
What used to draw me close to Him falls short.
I'm kind of surprised I'm not more nervous about it...
Monday, November 12, 2007
it's been a week i know!
I know! It has been a whole week! I was staying with Tom and Tasha and have since moved to my sisters home and I was unable to get on the internet. But it's fixed now, thanks Tom, and we can start again.
I want to thank those of you who shared words of encouragement. I appreciate the feedback and being able to see myself through the eyes of people who love me strengthens my resolve to allow Him to make me more like Him.
This week has been hectic and brought about some surprising conflicts. Ones with my self, I guess between my flesh and spirit, and ones with others.
I have heard from more than one source the seed of wisdom that when you start to press in to your dreams there will be obstacles. The part of that that has always worried me is not the struggle or the obstacles themselves; it's the knowledge that some of the obstacles will be people whom I expected to support and trust me.
It's those left field things that pull you down into fret and anger, and for me, making up speeches in my head in which I cuss them out. (the speeches are also full of valid points of protest.)
It's funny how one day you can read the scripture in 2 Cor. about the war not being against flesh and blood and turn around the next day and someones flesh has cut you and it's all you see, and it takes you three days to realize that you read that passage for a reason. You read it to prepare you for what was going to happen. To hopefully alleviate the stress and strife it would bring. To focus you on what is really going on, that darkness wants to kill you and the flesh of others, while no doubt able to do harm, is not what the battle is about.
I'm still unsure of the balance between expressing your anger when you have been wronged and allowing the Holy Spirit to heal the hurt and extend forgiveness. I am sure though that healing in that area has taken place... I haven't actually delivered any of those scathing speeches in a long time. Now I'm ready to be able to stand up for myself with pure motives and a gracious heart and get my stomach to stop hurting.
I want to thank those of you who shared words of encouragement. I appreciate the feedback and being able to see myself through the eyes of people who love me strengthens my resolve to allow Him to make me more like Him.
This week has been hectic and brought about some surprising conflicts. Ones with my self, I guess between my flesh and spirit, and ones with others.
I have heard from more than one source the seed of wisdom that when you start to press in to your dreams there will be obstacles. The part of that that has always worried me is not the struggle or the obstacles themselves; it's the knowledge that some of the obstacles will be people whom I expected to support and trust me.
It's those left field things that pull you down into fret and anger, and for me, making up speeches in my head in which I cuss them out. (the speeches are also full of valid points of protest.)
It's funny how one day you can read the scripture in 2 Cor. about the war not being against flesh and blood and turn around the next day and someones flesh has cut you and it's all you see, and it takes you three days to realize that you read that passage for a reason. You read it to prepare you for what was going to happen. To hopefully alleviate the stress and strife it would bring. To focus you on what is really going on, that darkness wants to kill you and the flesh of others, while no doubt able to do harm, is not what the battle is about.
I'm still unsure of the balance between expressing your anger when you have been wronged and allowing the Holy Spirit to heal the hurt and extend forgiveness. I am sure though that healing in that area has taken place... I haven't actually delivered any of those scathing speeches in a long time. Now I'm ready to be able to stand up for myself with pure motives and a gracious heart and get my stomach to stop hurting.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Something New
Today I want to start adding something new here. I want to be thankful for the people in my life. (btw, yellow is the color of thankfulness)
I am sitting propped on a bed in a room that rivals any fine hotel suite. It has down blankets, giant whirlpool bathtub, big, flat screen TV with cable. It is the master suite belonging to Tom and Tasha Owen,
They are family friends from my childhood who are more like an extension of my family. I get to stay in this room because Tom has been in Ireland, and they are both is gracious and giving. I could list all day the ways they bless my family, in the past, and currently, but I'm thinking of one day in particular.
It was many years ago now and they were well in to renovating this house. They have fabulous taste and a style that I love. I was visiting here and in the new house for the first time. Tom was showing me the dining room chandelier he was hanging. It is a beautiful antique with like 5 arms and from each rests a ridged, frosted glass shade in an earthy
peach hue. Tom handed me one to look at and I missed it and it fell
and broke. It also cut my hand. He immediately said, "Oh no! Your hand, it's bleeding!" Not, "Oh shit you broke it! It's irreplaceable!" Which is what i was thinking. The energy in the room never changed.
They were calm and concerned for my well being.
It meant more to me than I can say. It modeled grace, and forgiveness, and consideration for me. All of those things were unfamiliar to me then.
They continue that in my life today and every time I see that crack where Tom glued it back together it reminds me of how blessed I am to know them and to witness the grace for others that flows from their lives.
I love you T&T
I am sitting propped on a bed in a room that rivals any fine hotel suite. It has down blankets, giant whirlpool bathtub, big, flat screen TV with cable. It is the master suite belonging to Tom and Tasha Owen,
They are family friends from my childhood who are more like an extension of my family. I get to stay in this room because Tom has been in Ireland, and they are both is gracious and giving. I could list all day the ways they bless my family, in the past, and currently, but I'm thinking of one day in particular.
It was many years ago now and they were well in to renovating this house. They have fabulous taste and a style that I love. I was visiting here and in the new house for the first time. Tom was showing me the dining room chandelier he was hanging. It is a beautiful antique with like 5 arms and from each rests a ridged, frosted glass shade in an earthy
peach hue. Tom handed me one to look at and I missed it and it fell
and broke. It also cut my hand. He immediately said, "Oh no! Your hand, it's bleeding!" Not, "Oh shit you broke it! It's irreplaceable!" Which is what i was thinking. The energy in the room never changed.
They were calm and concerned for my well being.
It meant more to me than I can say. It modeled grace, and forgiveness, and consideration for me. All of those things were unfamiliar to me then.
They continue that in my life today and every time I see that crack where Tom glued it back together it reminds me of how blessed I am to know them and to witness the grace for others that flows from their lives.
I love you T&T
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