So I'm realizing that as my relationship with
God becomes more intimate it also becomes
more real. It seems to be in me instead of
around me.
I know we all agree that as Christians we have
the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, but I think
that leaves us feeling like God and Jesus are
outside. Up in heaven. Removed by the distance
of our skin.
(speaking of skin... tattoo update. it hurts!)
I mean that until now, which has felt very real
and complete to me, I have depended on a
feeling of joy or praise or comfort that came
from a source outside of myself. It was brought
on by singing or reading or praying.
I said a few weeks ago that my way of receiving
from God was changing. I didn't feel swept
away by the music. I hadn't felt relieved of
burden by prayer. I hadn't been made strong in
my weakness. It is scary.
It turned right away to doubt, but not like, "I
doubt if You exist." More like, "There are so
versions of You I feel interested."
I have always hated the idea that I have to
believe that my way is the only way and all
others are going to hell. Now I know a lot
of religions believe in my God, they don't believe
in Jesus. Others believe in other Gods. And
still others have no higher being.
I have felt for a long time that what I believed
was the infallible word of God and He is
the only God and it's His way or the highway.
To me now, that sounds like it comes from a
place of control which is based in fear.
So it's a weird place here.
I am questioning things and it's good to do that.
And I wonder if a person can be so surrendered
to God that the source no longer is outside of
them, but in them? That the things that used to
be my only source of connection to God are now
only part of it, and not even the part that brings
intimacy. Has my relationship with Him become
who I am, not what I am?
It has lost it's place as my religion. It is not
longer something I do because it makes me
feel better. He is not just my resource for the
coping mechanisms I need to get through.
He is everything. I am in Him and He is in me.
The only thing that remains external is what
He and I do with my environment.
Hmmm.

So I got a tattoo. I got my first one on my ankle like
10 years ago, and the one on my back 7 or so.
I somehow managed to get 2 without really ever
getting one. I mean small, outline, no color.
The one on my ankle was of symbols based in
astrology and since becoming a Christian I hated
having to explain it because it's just dumb. So I
covered it up on Thursday. I got an ancient Christian
solider symbol called the labarum.
Anyway so on Friday I'm dealing with the pain,
and the remorse of scaring my body and the
disappointment of it being exactly what I asked for,
and I meet Demetri.
I mean I met him on Monday at church. I noticed
him on the very first Sunday. My first impression
pretty much sums it up... I thought well either
he's crazy and homeless or he's an artist. He
had paint all over his pants and like 4 layers of
fleece. His hair is shoulder length and brown
with big curls. He's tall and slender. The wrinkles
around his eyes show not age, but experience.
He just stands out. He's very friendly and positive
and that can mean meds or Jesus.
Monday at church he was cleaning up around the
area I had been sitting, and he asked if the cups
and things were trash. I said yes and before
I left he had told me he saw a quality person in
me and I had invited him to my birthday party
for the next night.
He came, as did 2 other people from the church
(and all of my friends and family from this area),
and it was interesting. I have never felt less
of a presence from someone and noticed them
more.
He asked if I wanted to hang out and said he'd
like to be friends and I said we were friends and
sure, give me a call. The other 2 people there
from the church are pastors and were glad
to see him, so I thought how great, these people
take care of their crazy homeless. They get it
too. I had realized by then that he is
homeless because when he came in the door he
was wearing a backpack with a tarp and bed
roll attached. I still wondered about the crazy
part, but was glad to bless him with warmth and
company and good beer.
Now let me say here that I am not afraid nor put
off by nor sit in judgment of 'crazy.' I use it to
mean emotionally or chemicaly unstabel and
know that there are a host of reasons a person
becomes that. I consider all people worthy of
love and respect and my brothers and sisters
I am commaded to bless.
That being said, I was soon to find out that
Demetri is in no way 'crazy,' in fact quite
the opposite. He's the most sane breath of
fresh air I have ever met.
He called me yesterday, during my convalessing
due to the tattoo trauma, and came over. I
swear to you if I have my way I will write it
all down, all of the things he told me, and it
will either be a movie or a really good story to
read. His family history is the American
immigrant story and his story is so wild
it made me feel excited and confused and
challenged. I can still hardly believe all of the
things and places and faces he has seen.
My head swims right now trying to even
remeber all that he said.
I realized at some point that he is the male
version of me in so many ways. We are both 37.
Born in 1970. We speak truth and love and realize
it's God that inspires us to do so. We love travel
and praise and people. We both usually eat later
in the day and love to walk and run. We have
strong family ties, we have family in California and
his sister, like mine, lives here in Tacoma. He likes
good beer. It has been 7 years exactly since
either of us have had a relationship, but even in all
of the similarity I also realized that he is so far
beyond me. I honestly felt that following him
through Starbucks I was walking behind a rabbi.
People want him to see them. They gaze at him
like he is glowing. They listen while he talks and
he never fails to mention Christ. With a kindness
that makes people want to admit they are
Christians too. He says amen all the time and
not in a way that draws attention to himself. I
can not explain what I saw. I can tell you that it
was like being in someone's presence. God's.
He hung out with me the rest of the afternoon
and then into the evening with Jen and
Stella and by 10 o'clock when we dropped him
off I was exhausted and irritated. He had
disrupted by comfort and my new found
plans with his wild tales of adventure
and travel and love and people. He has thrown
a wrench into my feeling of security and
controll. He has held a mirror up to me and
shown me what is possible.
I went to bed with my tattoo throbbing and
my heart heavy. His stories made my spirit
feel airborne. A sense of soaring and freedom
I have never felt surrounded me when he
talked. Lying there in bed my plans for the
future made me feel fat and content.
This morning I realize how fascinating this all
is and how blow me away God is and I have
no idea what will happen next.
I came here with decisions to make and I
made them without all of the info.
This new piece causes me to pause and
consider further. (Argh!!!)
I'm scared.
Pray that God will protect my heart and mind
and that only the doors He opens will I go
through.
I am at a crossroads and God and Demetri
and I all know it. God has interupted me.
Like Scott Bowen taught me to, I told Him
He could.

a great present

So yesterday was my 37th birthday. I got up late and
then got dressed and Jen and I walked down to the
Starbucks by the ocean. It's down the 30th street hill
which is a very steep hill that runs for about half a mile
or more. Then we walked up it. It's quite the task.
Just after beginning the walk up I realized that I needed
to pace myself here. Jen had gotten out ahead of me and
the competitor in me wanted to keep up if not pass
her. I have walked this before, she hadn't, and I know
my limits. If I go more quickly now I will run out of steam
before I get to the top and then the half mile to the
house after that will really suck.
This was the first of many times yesterday where I was so
present in the moment I was able to make a self aware
choice that suited me. It may not sound like a big deal
unless you know that this is a first for me. My mind was
right where my body was, not in the past or future.
I know myself and my limitations and boundaries.
And I love who I am and want to make choices that
allow me to experience this joyous life, including that
moment.
So I did. I kept a steady pace and 2 blocks from the top
Jen slowed way down (I passed her) and I made it
to the top with plenty of energy left to jog the rest
of the way home. (I didn't though, but I could have:))
There were a few more opportunities during the day that
a few weeks ago I would have done differently, and that
choice would have pulled me out of the moment and
left me with a heavy feeling the rest of the day.
They were all decisions that not only benefited me
in a non-selfish way, but also brought to light the
awareness that I am fully present in my life for the
first time. I am attached to each moment and working
from a place of restoration and freedom and
acceptance.
WOW! Yeah, I know, it's big.
The whole day I felt peace and joy and in the evening
we had family and old friends and new friends and
great food and my favorite beers and the best
present I have ever gotten was the God given ability
to BE present.
Like Amy Brown said when I told her,
"Yeah!!! Finally!"
My sentiments exactly!

On the eve of my 37th birthday i use this green because it
is my favorite color and i share with you some observations.
Last week after running down the ravine i walked across the
street to the ocean. There i saw a female seagull floating near
the rocky cliff i was overlooking. i surprised her and she
swam out a little to get a better look at me, friend or foe kind
of thing. i said hello, really i did, i said it out loud, and after
a minute she resumed her search for a snack.
As i watched her i took notice of the many different shades
of brown her feathers were. i observed how she gracefully
floated over the waves and guided herself in the current.
She pecked at some sea kelp that was attached to a rock
and went on her way.
In a moment of revelation i realized that in comparison to
the other birds say eagles, or even in comparison to the
other seagulls, she was plain. She was brown, not grey
and blue and black like the male of her species. She is
full bodied and round, unlike the streamlined body of an
eagle. She's just a seagull, most people here hate them,
she doesn't soar, she doesn't migrate, she doesn't have
a beautiful song.
In comparison, she is less than.
I loved her. I thought she was beautiful and I admired
all of her abilities that made her what she is.
I realized that I am not good at some things.
I am good at a lot of things that make me what I am.
Spending time 'in comparison' has had me focused on
my flaws and faults and stolen the joy of experiencing
my gifts.
I was in that same place today. The seagull wasn't there
but 2 ladies walked by with strollers. i assumed their
judgment of me and judged in return. All of this took
less than one second and then I realized...
I am not in competition with the other beings on this
planet. I am in cahoots with them.
I am ok. Everything is ok. Even when it's not, it is.
I smiled at the ladies.
They hadn't even noticed me.

"Most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never
feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."
This line is the last line spoken by Baby to Johnny before she
is no longer a baby.
I grew up with movies like Dirty Dancing and Pretty in Pink and
the movies that put romance before sex. There is a feeling of
heat and excitement and passion and love. These movies made
my young heart fill with emotion, and unfortunately they made
me think this was part of life.
I fully expected to be swept off of my feet by a beautiful man
who was not good enough for me but who was so full of life
and passion that it would be enough to sustain us forever.
This is not what happened to me.
And it makes me sad.
When Jennifer Gray says that to Patrick Swayze I feel that fear.
The fear that this moment will stop and real life will flood
back and steal that feeling and you'll never have it again.
I feel the womanly heart in me longing for that moment that
fills every sense and allows your mind just stop. It takes you to
a place where all you do is feel the physical bliss because you have
trusted your heart and you body to someone.
It's steamy.
It's passion.
It's only in the movies.

I went to church tonight

You know at first it was such a surprise to me that
when I went to church the pastor seemed to have
had bugs put in my house. He somehow got in
and placed hidden microphones throughout, and
was listening to everything I said. The sermons
always hit me exactly where I was at the moment.
I think out of all of the messages I have heard, and
this is seven years very consistently, I remember 2
times that I got little from what was coming from
the pulpit.
Tonight I was so tired and had been on the go all
day. I also have begun to feel like at any moment
the flu is going to slap me right across the face and
take me down for a week. I did not want to go to
church and at this juncture in my walk I know
exactly what that means... GO!
I did and I tell you what the music started and I
didn't recognize it, and I know Christian
music, and it refreshed my soul. The third song in
I knew this guy had written it and it was blowing
me away!
Then the pastor started talking about my life and
confirming everything I was doing and feeling.
He had a short video to play and it was set to One
by U2 and up came the brown faces. Then the
black faces, and the shrouded Muslim ones, and
then foreign landscapes and bring on the tears.
I do not cry for them, but for me. My heart aches
for them and it craves the time to see them.
Several years ago God told me I was called to
missions. Today I said I would go and asked
simply to not go alone.

The wind is really howling today. Especially on the second
floor of this ancient house. The windows rattle with each
gust that blows by reminding us of the winter season at
hand. I don't know if it's cabin fever or my recently
realized desire for a routine, but I feel on edge.
I am daily reminding myself of the perpetual 'grass is
always greener' thorn in my side to allow myself the
enjoyment of each moment, and still there is a feeling
of restlessness.
Several weeks ago someone commented on one of my
blogs that at some point in this adventure I would start
to have the thought, "Oh. I forgot how good this feels."
I assumed it would be about things here that I don't
get to do at home. Like run in the woods, and breathe
in the ocean air, and take Stella to school, and have
coffee with my mom.
I have discovered other things entirely.
I miss solitude. I miss endless hours of quiet time
only disturbed by my music or my voice if I want.
I forgot how great it was to have my own agenda
based on my interests and my friends.
I forgot how great it is to be surrounded by a group
of people so big it qualifies as a community.
I never realized how great it is to have a community
of very different people whom you love like family.
I forgot I love my family.
I forgot how much I love having plans and places
I'm expected to be.
I forgot how much I love having freedom for
spontaneity.
I didn't know I loved being accountable for the
important things and also doing what ever the hell
I want.
In finding freedom to love my life I find freedom
to enjoy this experience. I guess underneath we
all knew I was going to decide if I was moving to
Washington or not. I have wanted to be a bigger
part of the lives of the people I love here, and now
I have been.
I realize that a lot of the things I miss are parts
of being single and without kids. I have wondered
if the constant chatter would bother me less if it
were my kid... not sure. I wonder if it were my
husband that were around everyday and not my
sister would it matter? I don't know.
I do know that I love every one of you and am
missing you very much right now.
I also know that for now Oklahoma is where I
live, and I forgot how good that feels.